If I were to mention - heart attack, cancer, restructure, divorce, or mental health – one or more of those words would likely take you back to a memory, and your mood would change.
Our brain is wired to retain negative events across our lifetime to keep us alert should the same situation occur again. These are referred to as triggers.
You read a word, the amygdala tagged it with an emotion, and then you went to the hippocampus where memories are stored to think of the person or people associated with that word - meaning you did not connect with the prefrontal cortex where logic sits.
If you did connect with the PFC you would have thought – It's just a word I'm reading so there is no real danger – however, cortisol from the adrenal glands was released to bring full attention because of the reminder of that risk.
Should you ever be in a situation where you get triggered you have two options to reduce the effect. The first is to take a big deep breath and sigh, do it now and as soon as you sigh out try and think of something. Apart from food, it is usually difficult to think of anything.
When we are triggered we short breathe, our alveoli collapse, and we do not get sufficient oxygen into our brain for it to work correctly. When we sigh all the alveoli collapse then fully reinflate to purge the brain of cortisol.
When in front of a person, sighing is not an option - it's likely to have the opposite effect of what you want!
The second option is to breathe out fully as slowly as you can. Try it now, breathe out very slowly. Do you feel calmer?
When we breathe in our heart rate increases, when we breathe out our heart rate decreases.
The faster we breathe, the faster our heart beats, the faster our brain thinks. Breathing out first then breathing in and out slowly will control our rate of thoughts and reduce our negative reactions.
It does take time to practice this because we are working against the hardwiring in our brain, the stem – our natural fight or flight response.
It's taken me some practice, and that practice is ongoing. The more I practice, the better I become - just like anything else.
During a recent presentation with a district council on de-escalation and personal safety, someone said to me – “Why should I listen to an old white man!”
I had a lot of answers racing through my head of what I could say. Previously I would get into a long discussion about the type of work I do, and how it is based on current research on what neuroscience provides.
This time I looked away, breathed out slowly, and said – “You don't have to listen to me.” It was the best I could come up with at the time as it was such a surprise.
The person who made the comment then rejoined the conversation and it was one of the best workshops I have run despite being triggered earlier.
Breathing is the only thing we can do to reduce our thoughts in the immediate situation. Thinking comes after exhaling.
If I can do it, you can too. Just breathe out!
Do I Need A Specialist?
Regularly our posts mention techniques on how we can help ourselves. Helping ourselves empowers us, gives us a sense of control, and keeps us engaged in the process of overcoming our challenges.
There are numerous online tests to see if you have certain traits or conditions. I mentioned in a recent post about my undertaking an online ADHD test through the ADHD New Zealand website to see if I had ADHD for my last book on managing anxiety.
ADHD New Zealand is a verified website with validated information that is unlikely to publish inaccurate content. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean the test is an accurate measure, nor should I not seek expert assistance.
I choose not to have a formal diagnosis because I have lived my entire life knowing that I was different and I'm okay with it. I've learned to manage my traits.
What it did for me was give me a sense of certainty that I was not dumb, stupid, lacked focus, or many of the other suggestions made by people about me as I grew up.
It also provided me with something to focus on if I wanted to improve myself. It did not give me the right to suggest that online tests are accurate, online tests are nothing more than a guide.
All of us have some traits of many kinds and it is important to understand what these are so that we can be at our best.
A former colleague and now friend reminded me of the need to include a caveat when talking about diagnoses. I thanked him sincerely for the reminder and appreciated him reaching out. Good friends always have your back!
We all need to talk to a specialist when we suspect we might have any health issue. As I heard recently – specialists know a lot about a little which is preferable to knowing a little about a lot.
In the same way that writing down what happened to us when we have a setback can be beneficial, it will never replace speaking with a person. Well, not currently anyway!
Online tests are only meant as a guide and if you find comfort in them and are happy with the outcome then that is your choice. However, we must always seek expert help from a qualified professional who has the academic and experience to provide a formal diagnosis and support for your unique needs.
I came across a great description of our brain as described by ‘AI’:
"Remember, brains are like snowflakes—no two are exactly alike. 🧊These conditions often coexist, intertwine, and create a symphony of quirks and strengths. If you suspect any of these are doing the cha-cha in your mind, consider chatting with a friendly professional. They’ll help you sort out the dance steps! 💃🕺
And hey, if your brain ever feels like a crowded party, just remember: You’re not alone on the dance floor. We’re all figuring out our moves together! 🎶✨
Now, tell me—have you ever tried to organise your sock drawer while simultaneously composing a mental grocery list? Or perhaps you’ve perfected the art of daydreaming during important meetings? Let’s swap stories!😄"
Let’s talk!
Challenge Your Challenges!
I can't remember my first keynote presentation, it was all a blur. I paced the stage going through a presentation by simply following the slides. Apparently, it went okay - but I could not tell.
I got off stage thinking “How do people do this for a living?” And then the rush of adrenaline wore off, replaced by dopamine and endorphins which left me feeling elated.
Having always challenged myself to overcome my fears I saw it now as a challenge to continue keynote speaking alongside the workshops we were running for businesses.
We know now it is important to overcome our fears, or at least do our best to.
I had a fear of heights which, ironically, led me to take up skydiving. While it didn’t cure my fear, it was an extreme experience that taught me a lot about myself.
Perhaps it was the near-death experience of hurtling towards earth when all you can think about is pulling the ripcord that brings clarity to every sense.
As a crisis negotiator, undertaking suicide interventions was another fear I had to overcome. How will I start the conversation, how will I keep the conversation going, what if I say the wrong thing, what if they jump!
Fortunately, no one ever jumped, and I again learned a lot about myself and about others and how to hold a conversation no matter how intense it might be.
Keynote speaking hasn’t come naturally to me. Even after 11 years of speaking, I still get butterflies before every keynote. So why do I keep doing it?
Why do I keep putting myself up on stage under pressure, why don't I just focus on presenting our workshops in a controlled environment?
It is the challenge to overcome my fears that motivates me.
My largest audience to date for a keynote was over 2000 people where I was the opening address at a conference. I was told I was the opener just before going onstage. Awesome, that little rush of fear produced an amazing presentation.
These days I am often asked to open or close a conference which is truly an honour. I also love the most difficult time for keynotes, the first speaker after lunch! I refer to that slot as the graveyard shift, as most people are recovering from lunch.
There was a time early on when I decided to stop being a keynote presenter. I viewed the nerves as stress rather than what I should have viewed it as – being at my best to overcome the challenge.
As soon as I saw it differently it became easier. Excitement and anxiety are processed in the same part of the brain and share the same physical symptoms. Perhaps I was simply seeing it wrong.
Whilst I still get nervous before every keynote - it is those nerves that keep me focused, at my best and provide me with humility.
Stepping out of our comfort zone to overcome our fears is a powerful experience, seeing it differently can be even more powerful.
Let's talk!
Stop Arguing With Me!
I'm often asked if I'm able to provide advice about 'those' customers who continue to argue their points and do not accept what they are told by the service representative.
Some people just like to argue, regardless of what you tell them.
There are several ways to manage this type of person. The best way I have found is to make it all about them, more than you would with others. Use sentences like "You make a great point" or "I can see where you are coming from."
The difficulty arises when you can't actually help them. For example, company policy means you can't do what the customer is asking of you. Honesty is the best policy but with an explanation as to why. I call it 'the reason for the reason'.
Policies are developed for two reasons;
- To protect the company
- To protect the customer
Often we will say, "I'm sorry but I can't do what you are asking because it is our company policy". You know what the customer hears when we say this - "We have rules for situations like this and I can't change them".
Try explaining to the customer why the policies are in place, to protect them.
Something like, "Lance, I apologise that I cannot do any more for you. We value our customers and have policies in place which are designed to protect everyone".
Finish off the conversation by giving the customer something that they can take away, it need not be tangible although this would be more helpful. It could be as simple as “What I am going to do is to mention your situation to my supervisor as you raise a valid point”.
Always do what you say you are going to and don’t over-promise. Under-promise and over-deliver.
The bottom line, sometimes people will need a reality check!
Let's talk!
My Brain Is Working Hard, Too Hard It Seems!
2024 has been a tough year for many people, myself included. Whether it's rising costs, health, business or perhaps just nothing seeming like it's going to plan.
What's happening in this crazy world where everything seems more difficult, people appear more brittle, and life seems so overwhelming at times?
Neurologically it has been confirmed through research that all our brains are working hard.
We are not spending enough time thinking about the right things to solve our problems. Thinking is done in the prefrontal cortex where logic sits. If we don't start working on our problems, we stay within the limbic system - where it is ourselves talking to ourselves about ourselves.
I sometimes forget what I do for a job and just sit feeling despondent and wondering when this tough time will end. As I write this, I'm coming out of such a moment.
It ends for me right now, how about for you?
I'm not going to tell you that you need to go for a walk, to do something you enjoy, to think of three positive things, to do breathing techniques, or to connect with someone else. Not if you don't feel like doing those things.
They are all good for you, in fact they are very good for you, but sometimes we just need to focus on moving forward - one step at a time.
Writing this post has been incredibly helpful in bringing attention to what is happening inside my own head. Writing is great for us because it brings attention to the areas in our lives that need focus, it brings clarity of thought, it puts things into a detached perspective - it is as though another person is writing.
Writing will never replace talking with someone, with a real person, someone with whom we can share and care about our challenges. But what can you do if you don't feel up for talking, or don't know who to talk with?
If you feel like everything is overwhelming at the moment, write the answers to these questions on a piece of paper:
1️⃣ What are you going through?
2️⃣ How is it making you feel?
3️⃣ What can you do about it to move forward?
If you get to step 3 and can't think of anything to do about your challenge, then maybe your solution for now is simply to keep moving forward - step by step, day by day.
Picking yourself up and carrying on is not easy, in fact, some never can without continued support from something or someone. Finding a way back up is different for us all, the common ground is that you need to keep going. Keep reading, keep writing, keep talking, and work hard to find what will work for you.
Forward is the way we are heading and that is where we need to direct our focus. Always remember that.
What is in our past is in our past, it is the future that we should now focus on.
Let’s talk!