Suicide, How Does It Start And Can We Do Something to Stop It?

The fifth and final post on suicide, how does it all start? For each of us it might be a different reason, but how our brain (mind) processes that reason that takes us down is often the same. It all starts with what we perceive to be a 'loss'.

The loss of a loved one (grief), the loss of a relationship (it's all over after giving so much), the loss of a job (I failed/am a failure), the loss of self-respect (I am worthless), the loss of self-esteem (others put me down or bully me), the loss of personal values (guilt and regret following an indiscretion), the loss of self-control (I can't cope with all that is happening), the loss of health (I have an incurable illness), the loss of a body's function (I will never be the same again), the loss of things being right (perfectionism), the loss of high expectations (I'm not as good as others), the loss of face (I embarrassed myself), the loss of identity (I aren't like them/ don't fit in), the loss of..........

Any loss takes a toll on us, the greater the sense of loss or the number of losses correlates to the greater chance that we will start to overthink the situation, start to repeat the loss, and continue to overthink things. As humans, most of us aren't programmed to tell ourselves that things will be okay, that we will adapt, that all we need is time.

We are programmed to find a solution to what occurred by repeating the event.

The more that we hold negative thoughts inside of our head, the more that we will catastrophise the loss - expand the negative aspect - until we start to blame ourselves and believe that there is no clear way forward.

We become lost in our loss; we have failed.

Here's a simple example of catastrophisation; you leave home and shout out to your partner "See you later", they shout back "Whatever!" You think, I will deal with this when I get home. What do you think about all day, that single word, 'Whatever'. By the time you get home, you are having a divorce, you are breaking up, it's all over. Inside your head that is. You ask your partner "When I left this morning, what did you shout back to me when I said, goodbye?" "Love you forever", what do you think that I said? "Nothing" you reply.

Our brains are continually looking for danger to keep us safe, more so today than any other time in history. Essentially, we have far greater information coming into our brain and more decisions to make than ever before which is making our brain run much faster than previously.

Evolutionarily, when our brains ran fast it meant that there was danger about.

Our brains have simply not adapted to keeping up with rapid advances in our environment, we are in fight-or-flight mode more than ever before in our living history. A fast brain equates to fight-or-flight equates to looking for danger equates to finding danger equates to finding a sense of loss to find the danger as to why our brain is going faster.

The sense of loss also leads us to believe that we have failed.

When we have a loss of any kind, and hold onto our negative thoughts about that loss, the negative aspect of the loss is exaggerated by the fight-or-flight phenomenon. We end up in a downward spiral of increasing and relentless negative thoughts. The negative thoughts forming neural pathways in our brain, superhighways of thoughts, so much so that everything seems to be overwhelming and we cannot seem to change our negative thoughts.

It becomes far easier to travel along the superhighway rather than conduct a U-turn and drive against the flow.

The downward spiral will continue and will take us down regardless of whether it is from worry or from rumination about the loss. If we allow our negative thoughts to take hold and don't stop them early enough, they will continue to the point where we end up with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. There is no way out and I can't control it, I have failed, I am a failure.

Worry, the inner critic, the imposter, the younger self, the voice inside of our head. All of these are the same thing, risk management tools designed to keep us safe from danger. Tools that are now running too fast, so fast that they are now finding danger where danger doesn't exist, tools that have now become our danger. Tools that will now take us down if we allow them too.

How do you stop these spirals? By taking action, by running to the fire, by not allowing our thoughts to take over our brain (mind). You see, physiology (our body) affects psychology (our mind) and psychology affects physiology. Hence, we know that doing something physical will make us feel better and changing our thoughts will empower us to take action. Bring both physiology and psychology together, you have a strong recipe for stopping the spiral.

Our brain never stops working and they are incredibly practical, that's how we have got to where we are today, using our brains to work on problems to come up with practical solutions. We can work at worrying or we can work at working on what is worrying us, our brains don't care which of these we choose to do. The latter is better for us.

Additionally, we are social creatures, our brains are hardwired to talk with others. What might happen if we were to join both socialisation (talking with others) and taking some practical action? The answer, a strong recipe for stopping the downward spiral. Join all three - talking, coming up with a plan of action, and working on that plan - a far stronger recipe for success.

If you identify that a person is struggling with their thoughts, sit and talk with them. Talk about what happened, talk about how they are feeling, talk about what is the most important thing to them right now, and more essentially, talk with them about how they got to where they currently are.

What, how, and why, in that order.

Somewhere in the chat will be the trigger, the thing or things that started or continue to influence the downward spiral. Once the trigger or triggers are identified, list a few tasks that the person could do to move forward, practical activities to keep them focussed and busy. Number the tasks starting with the easiest task first, one that won't take much effort, the lowest hanging fruit, the one that will eventually lead to momentum.

When we succeed at something, we are rewarded with dopamine, a real gamechanger when it comes to chemically influencing our thoughts. It excites our brain.

That will make it a little easier to start on the next activity on the list. When we achieve the next activity, we again get rewarded which makes the next task easier still. Effort and excitement, E2 if you like, is how to break a negative pattern and to move forward.

Self-actualised neuroplasticity - the ability to self-promote an open mind, to complete the U-turn, to drive new neural pathways into our brain against the current flow.

If we keep doing this, something transformational may happen. We start to influence our genetic disposition by masking the genes. Epigenetics - https://www.whatisepigenetics.com/fundamentals/

The way in which suicidal ideations start is with negative thoughts, thoughts about a feeling of loss, negative thoughts leading to thoughts of death.

They are nothing more than thoughts, our thoughts, thoughts that we can change if we know what they are and how to control them. We control them with taking practical action to tell our brain that we are in control. Thoughts, thoughts that we must control as early as possible, if we wait too long then they seem to become someone else's thoughts.

They are our thoughts and only we can change them.

Our brain (mind) is very powerful, so powerful that it can get away on us to our demise. Controlling our thoughts is how we can get through this epidemic of suicide that is spreading around the world like a virus.

Our brain likes to continuously work whether we want them to or not, so let's get them working to our advantage by focussing on practical actions. To keep us safe, like they were originally designed to do.

Let's talk!

But They Seemed Okay?

The fourth topic in our series about suicide prevention relates to our initial post on how we might identify when a person is struggling - https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-coud-we-ever-have-known-lance-burdett/.

Another reason why it can be so difficult to identify when someone is having thoughts of suicide is a phenomenon where the person seems to have recovered. There is often a dramatic improvement in their behaviour - they seem happier, swiftly back to their old self, perhaps even better than before.

On many occasions when this rapid improvement occurs, the person has made up their mind to take their own life and is so clear in their thought process that they become relaxed and much happier. Why, they now have a defined goal; the difficult decision has been made.

They will often try to make amends for any wrongdoing that they have caused, they may give away very personal possessions, they may meet up with people who they haven't spoken with for many years, and they may start showing more affection than they once did.

Often, they will become much happier in a very short space of time.

As someone who has been there, in the mire and had suicidal ideations, it is more often a very long road back to being normal, whatever normal means. There is seldom such a thing as a dramatic recovery.

For the majority of suicidal people, they have had negative thoughts for some time. These thoughts form neural pathways that are very hard to break and recovery through forming new pathways can take quite a while, possibly months or even years to recover.

Negative thoughts become unrelenting, so much so that we start to have suicidal ideations - thoughts of suicide - as part of our fight-or-flight response. We have fought tirelessly to the point where we become overwhelmed, we can't stop nor control our negative thoughts, we become despondent, we become exhausted, we become suicidal to flee the situation.

'That voice' inside of our head that has taken us down with its relentless negative chatter, 'that voice' that has stopped us from reaching out for help, 'that voice' that gives us a glimmer of hope that things will be okay then slams us back down, 'that voice' that tells us that we have failed.

'That voice' no longer is our voice.

Just recently I have been contacted by people who have been suicidal, which by the way goes against what we are told to do by 'that voice', all have said that they no longer recognise their thoughts, they are the thoughts of someone else. One said, "There is something inside my head and I don't know what it is".

'That voice' continually repeats inside our heads until it becomes someone else's voice. 'That voice' tells us that we are okay, that 'it' has our backs, that everything will be okay, that all we have to do is to trust it.

I have heard people say that they feared getting out of bed, of going outside, of going for a walk, because they knew that they would never return home. That irrational, negative, all-consuming voice become uncontrollable with only glimpses of rational noise that holds us back from taking our own life.

The key to suicide prevention seems simple, and it possibly might be, if we know what is going on inside of our heads.

Who do you talk to the most across your day, yourself, you are doing it right now as you read this. We all worry, we all have an inner critic, we all have a younger self, we all have an imposter, we all have 'that voice', all of which is simply inside our heads.

What are all of these things? They are nothing more than risk management tools that have evolved over time to keep us safe. We, who are here today, are the fittest. The worriers not the warriors. Life has become more complex than earlier times therefore our brain has more things to worry about, more decisions to make, and more (perceived) danger to consider.

What are all of these things truly? They are thoughts, our thoughts, our minds if you prefer to think that way. Therefore, who can change these thoughts, we can, and only us. The key is to start controlling our thoughts as early as possible.

It is you inside of your head, no one else, it is you! But, your voice tells you different.

Those who read my posts will know that words do mean something, more so when we repeat them to ourselves. Be kind, be gentle, be compassionate - with yourself. We all make mistakes, we all wish that we could do better, we all wish that things might have been different, at some time in our lives.

Know also that our brains are wired to look after others, that's how we have survived, as community creatures. looking after others.

I am becoming more and more in favour of changing the term 'suicide' to 'accidental death', or maybe back to one of the original terms for it, 'melancholia'. Early death certificates had that word to describe what a person died of when they took their own life, melancholia. Deep sadness. For, it is not us who takes our own life, it is our unrelenting negative thoughts that we are no longer in control of and that we no longer recognise as ours, that takes our life.

It is not who we are nor is it who we once were, it is the result of 'that voice'.

Let's talk!

The Trap of Working From Home.

Working from home (paying the bills), as opposed to working at home (paying the balance), is becoming more common in today's flexible work environment. Early results show that working from home for a company has many benefits for both the employer and employee. There is one major trap however in working from home, which can have a negative impact on our wellbeing.

The main challenge facing people who work from home is switching off from their work-life to their home-life.

For most of us, we leave home and go to a place of work, then return home. Each place has a specific designation in our minds which we adapt to. We switch on and off comfortably, or reasonably so, depending on whether we are at home or at work. Why is this transition easy, the location is different - home and work have different sights, different sounds, different smells, our senses pick up on these differences and automatically switch our thoughts.

NOTE: Not everyone can switch on and off dependant on the location, moreover some of us might have to work at both locations.

If we work for a company from our home, our home can easily become our work and we may find it harder to switch off in the evenings. There are ways to work from home and switch our brain on and off so that we can relax at home and not think about work, despite it also being our place of work.

Just like getting a good night's sleep, it is all about consistent patterns.

If you work from home, whether permanent or after you have left the office, have a single place that you call "the office". If you don't have an actual room designated as an office, it can be anywhere in your home, I suggest somewhere far away from where you relax or perhaps in the garage.

For those in the farming community or who actually live in the middle of their work, and don't have a physical office, choose a chair that is 'the work chair'.

When you enter that office/location or sit in that chair, say inside your head say - "Time for work!" When you have finished work and walk out of that office/location or stand up from that chair, inside your head say - "I'm home!"

Changing our patterns of behaviour can take a little time, often 60 to 80 days. However, if we bring together physiology (a physical action) and psychology (what we say or think inside our head), amazing things happen in a much shorter timeframe.

For those who come home from work, all you have to do to switch off is to walk inside your home taking a deep breath through your nose as you do so and say inside your head - "I'm home!" When you have to do work from home in the evenings, use the same technique described above. Note: our brain tends to switch on automatically at work without any actions whatsoever.

If you receive a work phone call while at home, go to that office or sit in that chair while doing so.

We once had clear delineation between work and home, those lines have now been eroded with advances in technology. Introducing them back is very effective in brining balance to our busy lives.

Let's talk!

I Survived, Now What?

When asked to write this post, it took me by surprise - "What do you say to someone who survived an attempt to take their own life". Why was I surprised, because this is sometimes overlooked because we expect the survivor to thrive as they are still alive.

We may have survived, but the situation that caused the event is still there.

The term used by professionals for those who take their own life is 'successful suicide', those who survive is termed an 'unsuccessful suicide' or sometimes 'an attempted suicide'. For those reading this who follow me will know that words are very important. So, why are we telling those who are still alive that they were unsuccessful or failed in their attempt! Insensitive.

As previously discussed in earlier posts, suicide is an extreme emotional response to a single or series of emotional events, most often with one of those events happening within the last 24 to 48 hours. The person has overwhelming feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, unable to see a way forward.

When we are under any emotional pressure, we all go into fight-or-flight. In fight-or-flight we can do two things, stay (fight) or go (flight). Freeze happens when we are so overcome with fright that our brain is unsure of what to do.

That's how to view suicide, our natural fight-or-flight response when emotionally overwhelmed.

So, what should you say and do when a loved one survives? The answer is not always that obvious. Yes, it is great to celebrate that they are still with you. Yes, it is fantastic that you can hug and kiss them. And, of course you need to show your true love for that person. But that's not enough.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. The circumstances that encouraged the person towards suicide is almost always still there. And that is the most important thing to remember, if the situation is the same for the survivor then the risk remains, probably an even greater risk following the event.

For those who I have intervened with as a crisis negotiator, all had feelings of being a failure. They view coming off the bridge/high place (or putting down the knife/firearm) as an inability to take their own life, this following their feelings of being unable to handle life. A double failure. Convincing someone not to go through with suicide is fraught with risk.

The most difficult part of any crisis negotiation is to convince the person that they are important, that they are valued, and that they will get through this.

That is what we, as those who have someone in our lives who wished to take their own life must do, tell the person that they are important. Tell them that they are valued, tell them that you are so pleased that they are still here, tell them that there is no judgement, tell them that you will always be there for them no matter what.

Hug them, cry with them, listen to them first. Then, tell them how you feel.

The survivor must get professional help, it is imperative. The next 24 to 48 hours after the event is the most dangerous period. But, what if they say no, what if they don't want to get professional help?

As mentioned earlier, the survivor has overwhelming feelings of helplessness (I can't help myself, no-one can help me) and hopelessness (there is nothing to look forward to). Giving the person those two things are what may help the most. How to do this is the key, and again it is different for each of us, so you know best what to do. Here are a few suggestions to consider;

Helplessness.

  • Ask them what they want - they have to feel as though they are in control and can help themselves so give them control. Get them to find a professional that suits their personal needs, they have to trust the professional therefore they should find them.

  • Validate their actions - when they come up with a suggestion, acknowledge and celebrate it. Don't dismiss the action or try to change it, it is theirs to choose.

  • Minimise any pressure - don't push them too hard nor too fast, just because they survived does not mean that things are now okay. Acknowledge each little step they make towards moving forward.

Hopelessness.

  • Validate what occurred - tell them that their feelings and their response are natural for them, that there is no guilt or shame as they had no control over their thoughts and actions at that time. They do have control now; they have a chance to now reset their life.

  • Look forward to good things coming up - get the person to set small milestones to look forward to, this will introduce dopamine to the brain and provide encouragement as each goal is reached.

  • Show them how far they have come - we seldom look back to see how far we have come. The steps may be small, however, they are steps in the right direction.

Changing the environment can have a massive impact on the way that we think. For example, you will recall where you were when you heard about a significant incident - the Christchurch events, the Twin Towers collapsing, the death of Princess Diana - our brain responds to the environment more than we give credit for.

Be honest, be sensitive, be caring. Continue to talk with the survivor whenever possible. And, keep encouraging them to get professional help.

Here are some other things that you can also try - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhV_cVphunw&t=113s

Nothing changes if nothing changes. We must change something if we want to truly help those who have survived.

Let's talk!

Will I Ever Get Over This?

The simple answer is that there is no simple answer, except that you will get through tragic events.

The loss of a loved one is hard to get over, no matter what the circumstances. If the person lost is elderly then it might be just a little bit easier than someone who passed much younger. The loss of a loved one from a tragic event is more challenging as we try to find out why, as we try to rationalise what has occurred. The loss of a young person in a tragic event is more so devastating for those left behind, unbelievably so for their parents.

Perhaps the most devastating of all losses, the loss of a child through suicide, and even more so if it was an only child. Unthinkable, ungraspable, unfathomable.

In my experience as a police officer involved in managing numerous crisis events, the death of a child lost in a tragic event is the most difficult event that could ever happen to a parent. There simply aren't enough descriptive words to convey the pain a parent feels, it is indescribable.

The more emotional a situation, the greater the impact on us. If it is a negative event, the emotion felt remains much longer than if it were a positive event. The impact of a negative event on our long-term memory is likened to a scar, it never heals. And, it would be flippant of anyone to say that time heals all things, it simply won't in such a tragedy.

Just like all scars, scars on our memory remain forever. In the case of a physical scar we can use topical creams or have them surgically, both methods will still leave us with a lesser scar, but a scar nonetheless.

Unfortunately, we cannot do this with our memories.

The alternative to reducing a scar is to learn to look after it, to nurture it, to understand how the scar was made, to remember that we are scarred for a reason, and to remember that scars are nature's way of making the affected area harder to penetrate. To protect you forever.

We have all experienced grief in some form, and we have all read about the myriad of ways to recover from grief. May I suggest that none of us fully recover from grief, we just learn ways in which to live with it.

It is said that we go through five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance - which for some of us isn't that helpful as the stages aren't clearly defined and they don't have definitive timeframes because for each of us these are different.

Here is a way that you may find helpful in coming to terms with your overwhelming grief;

  1. Self-validate your emotions - You will be incredibly hurt; you may feel an enormous sense of loss, you may believe that you are in a nightmare from which you will soon awake from, you may feel completely overwhelmed and that you can't continue, you may feel surreal at times just like you are inside a movie, you may even feel numb. You will feel so many emotions. Know that what you are going through is how the majority of us are impacted by such a tragedy, it is abnormally normal.

  2. Show your emotions, proudly - fighting off emotions may only make them worse and delay things further. Cry, cry, and cry some more. Shout, scream, stamp, and get angry. Show the world that you are hurting, that this tragedy is not right, that you are not okay with what has happened, and that you are in incredible pain that no one else is feeling like you are.

  3. Guilt is normal too - Feelings of guilt and remorse are normal to feel, but they are like no other. They are not like simple emotions, they are more impactful. Why did this happen, why could I not see and prevent it, what if I had done something different, why, just why. In truth, there is often no clear answer. Guilt is possibly the only feeling that I suggest you dismiss and not feel, because it can be destructive. The tragedy happened, it was not your fault, it just happened.

  4. Don't rush things - Take your time to feel what you are feeling, except for guilt as mentioned. Allow your brain to absorb the tragic event before you even think about starting the rationalisation process. Time is what you need right now, time is very important, time does not matter and has no relevance so use it to your advantage. Don't rush, there's plenty of time, right now anyway.

  5. Get expert help - Initially, you may need to seek medical assistance to get through the pain and suffering. You will feel overwhelmed and sleep, an important part of dealing with tragic events, will be evasive. There is no shame in seeking medical help. In fact, the opposite is true, it is a sign that you want to get through this event to honour the person lost. Then, when you feel up to it, you should seek psychological counselling. Counselling from a qualified person who is skilled in the area of loss from tragedy, not from someone at a call centre or from an online chatroom. Socialisation helps, talking with real people about real events and real emotions.

  6. Keep going - No matter how you feel, no matter what happens, no matter how low you get, just keep going - breath by breath, second by second, minute by minute - keep going. In time, and that differs for us all, you will start to feel other things again. I promise you; you will begin to feel again.

  7. There will be setbacks - During times of remembrance such as anniversaries, birthdays, and regular celebrations you will be reminded of the one that you have lost. Take time to reflect on why this is happening, may I suggest that it is because the person lost meant so much to you.

In these tragic situations, and only if the circumstances are right to do so, it might be helpful to ask yourself if the person lost would want you to continue to feel down and/or guilty about what occurred.

Sure, they don't want you to forget them, and know that you won't, but would they truly want you to feel pain and hurt forever?

We are all much stronger than we believe that we are, you've got this, with a little help and support when needed.

Let's talk!

#personaldevelopment #solution #resilience #wellness

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