Hope Is In The Heart And The Head.

Hope, we all need it. Hope reduces our feelings of helplessness, hope increases our happiness, hope reduces stress, and hope improves our quality of life. Without hope we will just drift through our day without drive, without direction, without passion.

Hope helps us to stay calm and peaceful when something untoward occurs. We know that when people are down in the mire they often have feelings of hopelessness, even if they don't know how to express it as such. They feel that there is no future.

Hope is the belief that things will work out. Will they though?

Simply hoping that something will happen or hoping for the best is leaving it to chance. Hope is very much like dreams, like desires, like wishes. For me, hope is not enough by itself, there must be an accompanying action. To hope is to wish, to wish is to chance, to chance is to risk.

Martin Seligman researched helplessness which is closely linked to hope, when we believe that there is no hope we tend to feel helpless. Seligman strongly believes that hopelessness and helplessness are learned behaviours. When children need help but no one comes to help them they may be left feeling that nothing they do will ever change their situation. If repeated, these experiences support those feelings and can result in growing into adulthood feeling that there is nothing they can do to change their situation.

Common signs of learned helplessness and a lack of hope include failure to ask for help, frustration, giving up, a lack of effort, poor motivation, procrastination, and low self-esteem. These feelings will often lead to anxiety, depression, and even suicide.

There is hope to bring hope if we are feeling hopeless. It comes down to linking hope with passion, and passion is found in our hearts. Consequently, when we link our heart to passion we engage our head because our brains are action orientated. Brains love to work.

Just as you can work on feeling hopeless and helpless, you can also work on feeling impassioned and empowered.

If you are feeling that there is no hope, and many of us are feeling like that on occasion as we work through the pandemic, here are some ways to bring action with passion to achieve our hopes;

  1. Reflect on your past - Look back to what you have achieved over your life, no matter how small, you most definitely have achieved something. Another option is to look back to setbacks you've had and compare where you were immediately after your setback to where you are now.

  2. Run towards the fire - Always move forward for that is the way life is heading. One step at a time, just keep moving. The saying 'Nothing happens if nothing happens' isn't always correct, sometimes doing nothing results in regression.

  3. Break it down - Set yourself a long-term goal and break it down into smaller chunks then list each step of that chunk. When we achieve each step and tick it off our list, dopamine is released as a reward. Dopamine is a powerful motivator and can also rewire our brain, success becomes addictive.

  4. Follow role models - Look to people who inspire you and follow them. When we connect with other like-minded people, oxytocin is released that calms and energises us. Don't follow their path, make their path your own as you will never be them, nor should you ever want to be. Have a mindset where you would like them to feel that they want to follow you.

  5. Find your passion - Simply, find something that you are passionate about. Passion brings purpose and purpose provides us with a sense of being and of belonging.

The timing never seems right when we want to start something or to make a chnage. "I will do this when I have this", or "I will start when...". There is no right time except now. NOW is always the right time when you want to make a positive change.

We all need hope, without hope we are lost. Hoping is not enough by itself, linking hope with passion is essential if we want to achieve. So, what are you passionate about, what do you want to achieve, what have you been waiting for? Get on and do it, right now.

Let's talk!

Why Is Anger Our Seeming Default Setting?

There is no doubt that we find ourselves facing a range of emotions currently as we remain hypervigilant to danger. Our usual patterns have been thrown into disarray with so much uncertainty in our lives, both seen and unseen.

With so many restrictions placed on us we have been thrust into turmoil because of the many decisions we now to make to carry on as usual. What was once so simple now seems so challenging. The many small issues we once faced and dealt with are now magnified meaning we seem to be overwhelmed.

We are thirsty, hungry, moody, and tired. Sleep evades us as our brain remains hyperalert to a danger that is perceived to be everywhere. To sleep, perchance to dream, but oh those dreams are just so weird! What on earth is happening.

Results of a recent global study conducted by Gallup show that more people felt “stressed, sad, angry and worried in 2020 more than at any other point in their global tracking.” Gallup claims that it's not solely due to the worldwide pandemic; though, it is the major contributor. 

Why is it that anger is the most common emotion being openly displayed? Is it our natural default setting, is it what we have learned to do, is it the easiest emotion to find, is it....

Emotions can be triggered by both internal and external events and can also be managed internally or externally. The first thing to acknowledge is that emotions must be managed in some way with an action otherwise they increase and manifest with greater intensity.

Anger can be triggered by an underlying emotion such as fear, frustration, disgust, sadness, grief, the list seems endless. We are all familiar with anger being a part of the grief cycle, a very vital part of losing a loved one. Anger often occurs as part of our automatic fight-flight-freeze response, being more closely associated with fight.

According to a recent paper published in Frontiers In Psychology, anger is a natural part of human behaviour, our genetic survival mechanism. Advances in neuroscience has caused a rethink of the previously used basic emotion theory (BETs) and reveals that as our brain has developed in modern times, so too has our emotion systems.

Basic emotions such as anxiety, anger, and fear can be regarded as pieces of a wider pattern of behaviour that has evolved over time in response to environmental conditions involved in our survival. However, a more complex analysis of our survival systems now allows researchers to provide a more meaningful picture of the motivational processes underlying human behaviour.

Essentially, our basic emotions have evolved to become more specialised according to specific situations because we now live in a complex world. Like most things about our brain, there is a genetic component (nature) and an environmental component (nurture). Anger is both inherited as a self-survival mechanism and also influenced by those around us.

Neuroscience now provides us with detailed information to show the reason as to why many of us tend to find it easier to react with anger as a first response to a negative situation. It should not, however, be an excuse for us to use anger in an inappropriate way.

If we respond with anger towards another person we are forcing our own behaviour onto them and causing unnecessary angst and harm. Plus, we later have feelings of regret, another emotion we could do without as this also affects our heart.

Anger originates in the limbic system of our brain where the amygdala sit, two tiny neurotransmitters, one in each lobe, responsible for regulating all of our emotions but more commonly referred to as our flight-or-flight button. We need to get out of limbic system and connect with our logic brain, the pre-frontal cortex, the moderator of our emotions.

The good news is that we can learn to control our anger and the more that we do so the better that we feel and the less frequent anger will be used. Here are three steps to take to control our immediate reaction in a situation if anger is our go-to emotion;

  1. Plan for it - Think ahead to situations that are likely to cause you to become angry - shopping, a customer service inquiry, going to meet with your boss - and have a pre-planned reply to what they might say that would anger you. Have a new sentence such as - "I hear what you are saying" followed by your planned reply that is joined with the word "and", not the word "but". "I hear what you are saying and ..."

  2. Breathe out, not in - When we are angered, our breathing becomes short and shallow therefore we have too much oxygen which causes us to hyperventilate thus increasing our brain activity and increasing our anger. Breath out completely and hold for 3 seconds before resuming normal breathing. Breathing out reduces our heart rate and a low heart rate decreases our brain activity.

  3. Never say the first thing that comes into your head - When we are angered we go immediately go to our patterned learned reply that is often harsh and hurtful because we feel as though we are under attack. Think about your reply when you pause your breathing and soften the words.

Anger must come out. Once you have dealt with the immediate situation then introduce a second strategy to relieve any pent-up anger;

  1. Exercise - Go for a fast walk or run, hit the punch bag, lift some heavy weights, any form of intense exercise that releases your energy.

  2. Write - Write out how you feel and then destroy what you have written by burning, ripping, crushing, completely obliterating the piece of paper.

  3. Communicate - Celebrate your success of not getting angry by telling someone about what happened and how well you handled it. We learn by reward, dopamine, and we need to introduce dopamine if we want to reinforce the positive and to continue with our new pattern of behaviour.

Anger is seldom helpful in getting what we want, it often ends with the opposite result. Anger causes harm to others and to us in the long-term. Emotions must come out, do so in a positive way that will have a far greater benefit for everyone, particularly you.

Let's talk!

Finding Positives When There Seems None To Be Found!

Following on from my previous posts as to why people are finding it a challenge to get through each day in our new world, it seems that many people are truly struggling at the moment. A quick glimpse at social media will reveal that people are so frustrated currently and this is emerging outwardly as anger. No one is immune it seems.

Let's be honest, life as we once knew it seemed much easier than it is right now. When things went wrong we had the ability to resolve, delete, refund, absorb, or just move on. No longer is this the case. We tend to (over) react these days because our emotions are frayed and fragile.

Everyone is tired, tired of being tired, so tired that we now tend to focus on the negative in an attempt to make our life better. The quick fix if you like. The reason, we have a negativity bias, a leaning towards the danger. Focusing on the danger is how we once overcame our problems, fixing what's broken by working on the negative aspect.

The problem is, nothing is broken, it's just different to what we are accustomed to. There's nothing to fix except ourselves. We can fix ourselves by finding the positives in what we get annoyed with. I know, it does sound kind of trite, right? Then what do you have to lose by trying, except getting more tired!

Let's start with the easy things you can do to focus on the positives;

  • At least.... Start each sentence with "At least" and fill in the rest. Come up with as many sentences as possible. Do it with someone else and see how far you can take it. Get clever, get funny, get to the extreme.

  • Examine the parts - Write a list of what happened and examine each stage to see if you could have done something different, the smallest of things.

  • Resolve - Look at what you can do now about the situation. There's always something, even if it is not getting involved in the same situation again. Next, work on resolving the issue in as many ways as possible.

  • Keep it to yourself - There's no need to let the world know about your issue unless you are genuinely asking for help or support. Expressing how we feel to the world might cause us additional issues.

  • Move on - This is one that I once struggled with, not so much these days. It's about understanding our emotions so read on below....

Emotions have to come out, they must, otherwise they fester like a boil (apologies if you were eating while reading this). There are many ways to get emotions out, to let them go;

  • Physical exercise - A 30-minute walk is enough to burn off adrenaline and cortisol and dump the feel-good endorphins into our brain. A punch bag also works well!

  • Feel them - Sit and focus for five minutes on how you feel and what you are experiencing. Get angry, get annoyed, get frustrated, get whatever it takes to explore them all and feel the different sensations until you either run out or the five minutes is up.

  • Screaming as loud as you can - Always scream into a pillow otherwise you may frighten the neighbours and then you have more issues to deal with.

  • Writing - Writing gets the frustration out of your head and onto paper. Then tear, burn, or otherwise destroy the paper and the expressed emotions along with it.

  • Talking - Saving the best for last, talking with others to not only express how we are feeling but also to get ideas about what we can do about our situation.

If you are after a deeper level for finding the positives, get a notebook and write down as many things as you can that made you smile, that you did for someone else, that you are grateful for, that you enjoyed doing, that... Look for as many positives as you can each day across the day.

If none of these suggestions work then chances are you are in desperate need of some quality time out, some alone time. Time out from everything and everyone. Spending just 30 minutes a day alone doing something that you get completely lost in works wonders for your spiritual self. Art, music, reading, movies, whatever your choice might be. Go on, get lost!

There is so much uncertainty in the world causing so much anxiety causing so much anger that the world feels a bit wobbly. Doing nothing about the negative emotions is no longer an option. Taking positive action is the way forward.

Let's talk!

Reconnect With Your Logic Brain.

Uncertainty is hard for us all; it causes our pre-conscious (subconscious) to go into overdrive as it tries to figure out what the future holds. This global phenomenon is causing harm with violence increasing over 30% in the last six months. What's not being reported is that it is also causing extreme sadness and leading some to become anxious, to have anxiety, and to become depressed.

The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is the 'logic' part of our brain and is located at the front of the frontal lobe, hence its name. The PFC is commonly known as our executive function where problems are solved, where decisions are made, where logic sits and thus provides us with self-control.

The PFC doesn't fully develop until our mid-twenties which is when we fully connect with our limbic system, often referred to as our 'emotional brain'. Thus, a teenager who hasn't yet fully developed the PFC-limbic connection may act rashly under stress, even though they should technically know better because of their age. Without the full connection, teenagers learn by experiencing (experimenting) rather than thinking things through fully before acting.

Most of us behave the way as a teenager would when our brain cannot find certainty. The connection between the limbic system and the PFC is broken due to our automatic fight-or-flight (f-or-f) response therefore we remain in our emotional brain where our emotion regulator is found, the amygdala.

Cortisol, a chemical released in f-or-f, triggers a cascade of stress hormones that produce physiological changes such as an increased heart rate, breathing quickens, muscles tense and beads of sweat may appear. Cortisol heightens our emotions which in turn increases the f-or-f response therefore the cycle of 'stressed sate' continues!

The role of the PFC is to moderate our emotional brain, to bring logic to an emotional situation, to bring calm to the storm.

There are many activities that we can do to improve the operations within our PFC - gaming, learning something new, problem-solving activities, creative arts - the list is endless. These are fantastic mindfulness tools yet in our busy world they tend to hold us 'in the moment' for just the time that we are doing them.

Promoting long-term wellbeing often comes back to the very basics, and reconnecting with logic is no different. Three simple activities that we can all do without any cost or major effort to reduce f-or-f (whether conscious or subconscious) and stay connected to our PFC for much longer - walking, writing, and talking.

Walking - Exercise need only be a 20 to 30-minute medium to fast-paced walk that lifts our heart rate to pump oxygenated blood through our veins, to burn off adrenaline & cortisol, and to reconnect us to our PFC. That reconnection we get is why ideas tend to come to us whenever we exercise.

Plus, we get the bonus of pain-relieving endorphins to make us feel great.

Writing - Writing occurs in our frontal lobe. We string letters together to make words, words to make phrases, and phrases to make every sentence. We place ideas logically while also checking spelling, punctuation, usage, and grammar using fine motor skills.

Plus, we get the bonus of getting the issue outside of our head and accessing our preconscious thus controlling its automatic overthinking function.

Talking - In general, the left hemisphere of the brain is responsible for language and speech. However, there is an area in the frontal lobe of the left hemisphere called Broca’s area. It is next to the region that controls the movement of facial muscles, tongue, jaw and throat. If this area is destroyed, a person will have difficulty producing the sounds of speech, because of the inability to move the tongue or facial muscles to form words. Thus, we are in part, in our PFC when talking.

Plus, as a bonus and more importantly, when we talk with others many positive things occur;

  • Talking gets things out of our head - the longer something stays inside our heads the worse it appears. Getting issues out of our head and into the open stops us from overthinking and catastrophising.

  • We get to compare our experiences - no two people have the same experiences therefore we can compare the experience of another person to that of ours and use it in our own situation.

  • We get to express how we feel - emotions will come out, the sooner they do so the better for us. Expressing an emotion disarms it, makes it less volatile.

  • Socialisation helps to normalise a situation - connecting with others helps us feel less alone.

Uncertainty is processed as adversity within our brain therefore reconnecting with logic helps us to manage this world of ours which is filled with so much uncertainty at the moment.

Imperatively, let's talk!

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Lance, a former police crisis negotiator and personnel development manager, now provides enhanced communication, safety management, and personal resilience support to businesses across all industries; http://www.warninternational.com/ 

Lance is the author of the bestsellers - Behind The Tape and Dark Side of the Brain - https://www.warninternational.com/products?category=Books has created a series of eLearning courses - https://elearning.warninternational.com/

Reaching Out For Help Can Be Our Greatest Challenge

As someone who struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts, I found it so hard to reach out for help. Fears were holding me back - what will people think, will I be judged, will they think I'm weak, what will happen to me if I do, what stigma is attached, what.... - so many fears to consider when we aren't in a good state to consider them rationally. Everyone knows that we can and should reach out for help, yet so many don't. Why, the reasons are many and differ for each of us.

While going through my emails this morning, a message stood out because is had so few words. No title, no explantion, just this....

Dark Side of the Brain - Page 108 saved my life last night 

I copied it here in bold and italics to stand out for you as you read that sentence because it stood out for me, it hit me, hard. I teared up. I immediately went and read page 108 of my last book - Dark Side of the Brain - and here's the first few words of that chapter titled; I am Thinking of Killing Myself.

If you are reading this and feeling suicidal right now, I implore you to reach out to someone for help. Don't go with your gut instinct - your gut isn't working properly. Don't try to work through it, it's much easier to have someone to help and support you. It need not be someone close that you reach out to. You might find it easier to speak with someone who knows you from a distance. If you can't think of anyone to reach to, phone or text a helpline - there's a list of them on page 259. In New Zealand, I recommend calling or texting 1737.

This person did reach out and was kind enough to allow me to post their message. My reply was simple - Oh my gosh {name removed}, what a wonderful and scary message to receive. I should have started my reply with, Thank you for your courage.

It does take courage to reach out, courage and determination to survive. Furthermore, we must also to be in a lucid state of mind to know that we must reach out. Although they are far between and only momentary, clarity does come to us when we are struggling with dark thoughts. That is the time to act fast, yet we seldom know that it is a short point of clarity.

Instead, we hold on to that little glimmer of hope that we are getting better. We aren't. It's just our mind in respite, having a rest before it starts again in its fruitless attempt to help us. We have to help our mind in these situations, our mind won't help us, its simply working on autopilot as it continues to remind us of our past.

To that person who reached out and connected, thank you for your bravery. Thank you also for messaging me with your heart-warming message, And, thank you for coming back to me again, twice more.

Know that as you get well, there is always someone willing to help. Know that you will work through this challenging time despite how hard it may seem right now. Know that you will no doubt go on to achieve wonderful things. You now know something that few get to know - that we are all stronger than we think that we are.

Know also, you have been given a gift, a gift of survival. It is our duty, those of us who had that lucid moment and courageously reached out for support, to pass on that gift to others. A gift that we all have, if we just had that lucid moment. If you are strugging right now, reach out.

If you have lost someone who was unable to reach out, know that's most likely because they never had that lucid moment, that glimmer of clarity. They were also brave and courageous because they fought so hard.

Let's talk! It is important that we all do so.

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