Sometimes, I Just Can't Be Bothered!

Following four busy weeks of presentations conducted online, a common theme emerged from many messages to our Inbox - "How can I motivate myself just to get out of bed?" Without a doubt it is damn hard to get out of bed for many people at the moment, even if we are able to work fully from home or work in a limited capacity.

The main cause of this lack of motivation and the accompanying feelings of lethargy is the current situation that we face each day, will I be safe? Not consciously, subconsciously. I referenced the effects of the preconscious (more commonly called the subconscious) on our current behaviour in a recent post - a dry mouth most of the day, eating more than usual, feeling tired around midday, a small headache that won't go away, random thoughts of our past interrupting out thoughts, waking up three or more times each night, having unusual dreams, wondering if you slept at all - the list goes on. Referenced here.

The purpose of our subconscious is to assist us by working on what we are consciously concerned about, for most people it is looking for something positive in our future. The subconscious takes onboard all of the conscious information and looks to our memory for reference material from our past before deciding what to bring to our consciousness thought. If it can't find the right information, the subconscious will keep working to find what might be helpful. Hence, many of us are having random thoughts from our past.

Currently, our subconscious is working on keeping us safe during the Covid-19 epidemic, it is searching to find solutions from our past. This additional work that the subconscious is undertaking, without our knowledge therefore uncontrolled, is burning valuable fuel. Fuel that is needed for us to get out of bed, to allow us to work across the entire day, and to bring focus to the present moment.

If you have tried the simple fixes to the above effects as per our suggestions and they haven't worked for you, it might be that you need something deeper. Something to motivate you. If the subconscious wants to work on the future then give it something positive to work on.

Motivation is intrinsic, it's about having something to look forward to. Currently, it is very hard to look forward too far ahead because of the amount of uncertainty in our future, or so our subconscious believes.

Apart from bringing back certainty through focusing on the basics of life according to the Maslow hierarchy of needs, (food, water, shelter, air, and sleep), we all need something worthwhile to get ourselves out of bed for. Sticking to regular timings, looking forward to something positive either in our day or at the end of the day, or finding ways to supply short-term boosts of energy, are also helpful.

Each of us are different in our desires and it is about finding the desire, or goal if you prefer, that motivates us enough to produce a shot of dopamine. Dopamine is a powerful positive neurotransmitter that rewards us, motivates us, and is highly addictive. Rather than looking to the future to what we can’t see, if we were to put something there to focus on each day will provide us with ample motivation.

For me, it is currently writing a third book. Prior to that it was looking at ways to expand the business, and prior to that it was establishing a business. Setting goals and working towards them provides us with the necessary motivation to get up, dress up, and front up. How you find that goal is up to you. Here are a few options you might want to consider:

  • Is there something that you have always wanted to do and found a way of not doing it?

  • Has there been something in the back of your mind that says to you “As soon as I have this, I will do such and such?”

  • Have you ever sat watching TV or reading a magazine and said to yourself “I would love to have a go at that”, or “I would love to visit there?”

  • Do you find yourself in a bit of a rut that you can’t seem to get out of and wish that there was a way to move forward and change your life for the better?

  • Is there an organisation that you want to support, or a company that you’ve always wanted to work for, or something that you wanted to build, or perhaps a challenge that seemed out of your reach?

The key to motivation is having the desire to get out of bed in the morning and achieve something. That desire comes from within us but can be something external to focus on. More importantly, that something needs to come from within our heart to truly inspire us. So, what does your heart tell you?

We tend to hold ourselves back because of fear, subconsciously mostly, fear of what could go wrong rather than what could go right. If we can swap that negative fear around and use it to encourage us to see what could actually happen when we succeed, it assists in providing us that motivational chemical.

If your plan doesn't work out the way you thought it might, you haven't failed. What did you learn along the way that you can use again for your next goal? It is far better to say “At least I gave it a go” rather than not trying at all because regret for not doing something can be terribly demotivating.

There is a saying that goes - 'If you do something you’re passionate about you’ll never work a day in your life'. That's not quite true because you will have to work hard towards your goal, and we do all have to work. The harder we work the luckier that we get. And, the work that we find a passion for provides us with enthusiasm, inspiration, and motivation.

So, what are you passionate about? It's time to get lucky - get up, dress up, front up and find your passion.

Let's talk!

Get Curious, Not Defensive

There are many methods for overcoming adversity - meditation, hypnosis, cognitive behavioural therapy, neuro-linguistic programming, aversion therapy, desensitisation, or distraction - all of which have their merits.

No single method is better than the other, each technique has pros and cons, it depends on the person on which the technique is being used. It is finding the right one for our self that is important, perhaps more important though is to keep trying if one method does not work.

Just as we need to find the right therapist, the important point here is to find a therapist that you truly connect with, we also need to find the right technique that we truly connect with. The technique that I have been having great success with is something stemming from RAIN therapy. Nothing to do with the weather if that is what you are thinking.

RAIN is an acronym for: Recognise - the feeling you are having; Allow - the wave of emotion as it hits; Investigate - your sensations, thoughts, emotions; and Note - what is happening moment to moment.

Dr Judson Brewer has worked for over 20 years with people suffering from anxiety. And they do suffer from anxiety as it is debilitating for people who have it. He has been successfully using this technique with his clients over recent times with wonderful results and published the results in his latest book Unwinding Anxiety.

The premise is that we as a species are naturally born without fear, we learn most of our fears. Let me ask you this if you are doubtful about the premise. If you place a young child next to a swimming pool, what are the chances of the child going into the water? Very high, right. Next to an open fire, how high is the likelihood that the child will want to touch the flickering flame?

What we are, as a species, is curious. We are curious to know, curious to learn, curious to find our boundaries. Hence, we will go into the pool or touch the flame. Here's how simple our brain works - we want to know what is down by the river so we go down there a crocodile lunged at us. Don't go down to the river from now on because last time that you went down there a crocodile lunged at you is what we remember.

We learn not to go down to the river again because we now have a marker in our memory about that event, the crocodile lunging at us. What we seldom stop to think about though is that we got away, we managed to outrun the crocodile. Nor do we stop and think after the event that the crocodile may have moved on to another part of the river. We simply avoid the river entirely to stay safe.

Our curiosity has been satisfied - don't go near the river ever again! In fact, we may have lost our curiosity about all other unknown rivers. What might happen if we kept that curiosity going and used it to overcome our fear of visiting rivers again? Just like getting back onto the horse that threw us off to overcome that fear.

If you are having trouble moving on from something in your past, particularly if it is accompanied with a nervous feeling, try this technique.

As that nervous, sickly feeling arrives, get curious with it. Think to yourself - "Hmmm, I wonder why you are back, what are you doing here, what are you trying to tell me?" Why not go further by welcoming it back and focus completely on the feeling. How does it feel, what part of your stomach are you feeling it in, is it moving around or is it static, is it increasing or diminishing, how long is it here for?

Just as the brain holds on to memories of negative events, designed to do so to keep us safe from harm, it also holds on to the feelings and emotions which are attached to that memory. As shown in my last book - Dark Side of the Brain - thoughts, feelings and emotions are interconnected.

If we push a negative thought, feeling, or emotion away, our brain can tend to hold onto it more because that is what our subconscious is designed to do. By getting curious and welcoming the thought, feeling, or emotion, our subconscious simply lets it go. We remove the negative attachment, we embrace the fear, and our brain says, "Nothing to see here, let's move on to something else".

Get curious with it, not scared of it. Don't push it away, bring it closer. Embrace it, not step back from it.

Let's talk!

What Are Dreams?

There are two kinds of dreams, the ones at night while the brain goes through its natural defrag process, and the ones in which we look ahead to a future event that seems beyond our reach.

The latter type of dream is really helpful in many ways. They excite us, they motivate us, they inspire us, and they give us direction or purpose. Dreams are more than just goals, they are beyond what we might otherwise think that we can achieve.

Goals are great, I am a very big proponent of setting goals, but not letting them restrict us. It is said goals should be SMART and that's okay for work, personal goals work far better if they stretch us and we dare to dream what we could truly achieve.

Sometimes, we achieve dreams without even realising that we had ever dreamed them. They come in moments of reflection. It happened to me last week when just about to go on stage.

I left school aged 15 without any qualifications, that's the earliest you were permitted to leave. I rose in my chosen career to become a construction manager with a bright future, then decided to join the police at the age of 35. Following a bout of depression mid-career, I rose to a very senior rank with another bright future only to leave at the age of 56 to start a business from scratch.

Last week, in front of the largest audience I had ever presented to, I had a moment of reflection. I was untrained as a keynote speaker yet here I was about to go on stage as the opening keynote to the largest conference of its kind in the country for the horticulture industry.

Dreams are not foolish, dreams are not for the dreamers, and dreams certainly are not a waste of energy. And, sometimes dreams come true without you even knowing that they we were ever a dream of yours.

How did I ever get here? In the same way that you can, keep moving forward. So, what is your dream, for they can indeed come true!

Disconnection Causes Anxiety.

For years we have known that people are becoming more and more reliant on our modern way of communicating. In many instances, it is far simpler to send a message than it is to talk. Talking is hardwired into our brain, and when we send a message electronically our brain does not register that we have 'talked' to someone. Thus, we don't feel the same satisfaction as if we had held an actual conversation.

For years we have also known the many adverse effects of using technology. The blue light used in our devices disrupt the melatonin sequencing breaking our sleep patterns and also increasing the risk of macular degeneration.

What is not so well known is that recent research indicates that our devices are severing the connection between the limbic and frontal lobes of our brain. The limbic system is where our emotions, memory, body temperature, sleep rhythms, and many of the essential 'alert' systems sit. Our frontal cortex is responsible for planning, reasoning, problem solving, and similar responsibilities.

In their book, Brain Wash, Doctors David and Austin Perlmutter explore the disconnection between the limbic and frontal lobes caused by our modern life. In summary, whenever we use our devices we receive shots of dopamine that reward us. Dopamine is highly addictive because it makes us feel so great.

Try sitting next to your device for two hours without looking at it!

The dopamine reward is not only addictive, but also severing the connection between the limbic system and the frontal lobes meaning we are no longer able to think things through fully before acting. Hence, we purchase things on the internet that we may not need, we post prolifically to get continual rewards, and we might make comments on social media that we wouldn't ordinarily say in person.

Furthermore, the more time that we spend on our devices the stronger the connection is to the pathways associated with impulse, anxiousness, and fear. Do you absolutely have to buy that item or make that comment right now, is it due to the fear that you will miss out or otherwise become anxious for not doing so, or is it the dopamine hit you crave? It's usually a double whammy - you don't want to miss out and you crave the dopamine hit.

That's not all. Dopamine is closely associated with addictive foods. Once you have brought that item or made a comment on social media, do you then celebrate with sweet foods?

With this disconnection, our impulses which are located in the limbic system, aren't being kept in check by the prefrontal lobe which is why we end in the spiral of anxiousness, worry, and anxiety.

The good news is that we can rebuild that broken connection, it just takes time. Restricting the use of technology is one option yet one that I least prefer. Technology has enhanced our lives and will continue to do so. Therefore, adaption is the key.

Learning how to use our smart devices more efficiently is a great start, limiting the time that we spend using them until we adapt properly. The most preferred method of adaptation is to exercise! Old fashioned, I know, but neuroscience confirms why exercise helps us reconnect between the two parts of our brain.

Have you ever gone for a short walk when you've had something playing on your mind and you felt much better when you got back? Ever suddenly had an epiphany while out walking, an idea suddenly spring into your head?

When we exercise for just 15 to 20 minutes, a few things happen. We burn off adrenaline and cortisol which means we will sleep much better as both of those 'chemicals' heighten our state or alertness . Endorphins are also produced as we exercise. Endorphins reduce pain making us feel calmer, and also reconnect the limbic with the prefrontal thus giving us our aha moment.

Let's talk!

Faith, Trust, and Love.

Having still not come down two days later following a week on the road with people unknown to me, apart from my youngest daughter, it is time to reflect on how we need three things to align if we want to move forward from past trials.

The first time that Shelly Davies and I met was at a conference we were both presenters at. I knew of her work from following her on social media and was a little star-struck when she approached me. Why would this amazing person want to talk with me? A builder, who became a cop, who became a speaker.

We chatted only for only a few minutes ahead of my second presentation at the event. Then, seemingly from nowhere, I get a message asking if I wanted to go on a tour with herself and another person who I had never met, Alicia McKay. "Yes, of course", I said without hesitating for a second.

Crazy. Why crazy, because I am not someone who collaborates much these days as it never seems to work out for either party. I've had my intellectual property used without permission, had clients taken from behind my back using my relationship as the introduction, and I am sure they may feel that I have done the same to them.

So, why now? Because of faith, trust, and love. Faith that this time it was going to be great, trust that I can collaborate with others, love for the work that I do. That was my initial thought. It cannot be that surely, that's too superficial.

I had not seen either person perform on stage before or knew what either one of them were going to speak about. Extraordinarily, neither of them had seen me on stage either. They must have had faith in their judgement, trust that I would deliver, and a love for their work.

The first night was full of nerves but went so well that, for me, it was like the very first time that I was ever on stage. Unbelievably exciting. It was also like the first time I had jumped out of an airplane, the first time that I drove a car all by myself, the first time that I saw my wife. The excitement was like the first time of everything I had ever done in my life, rolled into one.

I never slept much that night, nor much for the preceding four nights. Each event for the next three nights felt just like the first night, but better. Each of us on stage having faith in the other, gaining trust in each other, loving what each of us do.

It wasn't until our flight was cancelled and we had to drive for five hours that I really knew the meaning of how having faith, trust, and love works when all three come together. I was asked if I was open to a suggestion about enhancing my presentation. At the age of 63 and set in my ways, I've never been one to readily accept help nor immediately take suggestions that well.

I said, "Yes" without hesitation. After being together in a pressure-cooker environment, I knew that the people who I have been working, eating, and sharing accommodation with for the last three days had something to offer. I had faith in their observations, trust in what they were about to tell me would be of real value and was given with all of their love.

Minutes before going on stage on our last night, I changed my presentation slides. No pictures, no bullet points, no colours. A black slide with a couple of words. Who does that when things have been going really well? A person who has faith, trust, and love in those around them and in themselves.

It is hard to tell when on stage as to how well one does, and I am not one to pass judgement on myself, but it felt unbelievably rewarding to have placed faith, trust, and love in others. I am told it was fantastic, the best yet.

I am humbled. Humbled that people who didn't know me had the faith to ask me if I was open to suggestions, humbled that they trusted I would accept their suggestions, and humbled that they showed me love so I could grow.

There are often people in our world who would like to help us. Often we don't take their advice because we have been hurt before or perhaps reject their help because we think we know better. Maybe it's because it doesn't feel right, the timing isn't great, or you are just hesitant.

If the help offered to you is given in good faith, if it is given in such a way that you trust them, and if done so with love, accept it. If you are someone wanting to help others: build their faith in you, gain their trust, and help them with all of your heart, with love.

Faith, trust, and love. When these three things come together, great things will happen. Have faith in what you can do, learn to trust others, and love yourself as much as you love others.

Let's talk!

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