I am not good/strong enough.
I need to wait until...
When I get this done I can relax.
The person I talk to inside my head is much younger than I am.
I am getting old.
Life is passing me by way too fast.
I wish I had/hadn't...
Why can't I be like everyone else?
You've likely said or thought at least one of these in your lifetime. Here are a few tips to help you deal with them:
🧠 I am not good/strong enough - Imposter syndrome, you are good enough, you can always do better, and that's why you are where you are today.
I need to wait until - Your brain likes to run in patterns of behaviour, habits that may keep you where you are. There is no waiting, start today, right now, this instant.
🧠 When I get this done I can relax - You will never finish, there's always something else to do, there's another job to do. So, relax in the knowledge that you are working towards being a better person, helping others, and contributing to society.
🧠 The person I talk to inside my head is much younger than I am - Yes, we all have a much younger person as our inner guide. Acknowledge and validate him/her, just don't let him/her hold you back.
🧠 I am getting old - Reflection arrives with age, as does wisdom. Focus on the present, and embrace that you are currently alive by making the most of the time you have.
🧠 Life is passing me by way too fast - You are busy, which is a good thing, you simply aren't focusing on the here and now. Bring yourself back to the moment.
🧠 I wish I had/hadn't - Guilt and regret are designed to remind you of risks/danger and add to your learning pile. Instead, reflect on the good that you have done and add to your pile of good things.
🧠 Why can't I be like everyone else - You are, in many ways. There's about a 10% difference between all of us, the circumstances into which we were born. The rest is very similar, know that you are not alone.
What's a "negative" thought you frequently have? Let's talk!
Gaining Experience Can Be Uncomfortable!
A helpful way to learn how to cope with 'life' is to expose ourselves to situations that take us out of our comfort zone, to stretch us to do things that we never imagined we could, possibly frighten us a little.
Something to get us to feel our emotional response and learn how to process the feeling and reduce it.
The best time to start learning about managing our stress responses is as early as possible, beyond the first 1000 days when we have grown fully into our limbic system where our emotions are regulated.
There is a balance between empowering our young to prepare them for life's challenges and putting them under too much pressure. Maturity is an important aspect of managing emotions.
Too much pressure at too early an age where the brain hasn't developed adequately may reduce their ability to cope. Hopefully, this is helpful for you as an adult if you believe you aren't as resilient as others appear to be.
If you want to add to your level of resilience, there are some things that you can do to strengthen your ability to cope and adapt. We all know the benefits of having a support network, of believing in yourself, of being optimistic, of managing change.
Yet, how do we do that? Experientially is the best way.
Those who follow us know that we are fans of practical techniques. Don't dream it, don't think it, do it!
Try some of these tips to improve your ability to cope with 'life' when life happens to you:
🧗 Do something small that challenges you, often. Remember, small steps are better than no steps at all.
🎯 Set goals - goals need not be large nor long-term, but we all need something to work towards. A series of small goals is the way, layover points between each goal to rest, the mountain is yours to conquer.
🛠️ Start something new - Learning new skills keeps the brain interested, active, and alert. There are wonderful benefits in having a bucket list, remember to keep adding to it as you tick each one off.
🧩 Work on problem-solving skills - puzzles, online quizzes, a games night, wordle, whatever it takes to get you thinking.
We can become more adaptable, more able to cope with what life sends our way, we become more resilient. We all have the ability to change, this I promise you.
Let's talk!
Why Am I So Hard On Myself?
Most of us do it - overthink, overreact, over-worry, and over-analyse. I teach this stuff and even I can't think positively all of the time.
Why is that?
The truth is we can't stop the negative bias that is hardwired into our brain. I have met many positive people and when asked if they are positive all of the time the answer is always the same, no.
We need that negative bias to keep us safe, to keep us from making the same mistake that got us into trouble last time, to keep us from doing dumb things, to keep us on alert and to keep us at our best.
I challenge anyone to tell me that they have never had a negative thought, never sit and ponder over their mistakes, never have a thought of guilt or regret, and never wondered "What if" or "If only". History (evolution) ensures that we have these thoughts so that we can survive and thrive.
So what do "positive people" do differently?
They manage the negative thinking by;
👉 Making amends
👉 Dealing with it in some practical way
👉 Looking for the positives
👉 Moving forward if none of the first three options are available.
That's the secret in all of this, if you can't fix it then forget it (after acknowledging it).
As the over-thought comes into your head - acknowledge it, apologise or make amends for what occurred, work hard to make it right, look at what you learnt from it, - and then move on as quickly as possible.
Remember that we cannot change 50% of worry, it is hereditary. The other 50% we can change because it has become a habit. And a bad one at that.
Worry, guilt, and regret - these are the things that will take you down if you continue to let them get the better of you. The next thing that will happen if you keep thinking this way will be feelings of failure, that you aren't good enough, that you aren't worthy. And then will come the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Stop being so hard on yourself. The more that you practice this the easier it will become.
Let's talk!
Connect To Logic To Overcome Uncertainty!
Uncertainty is hard for us all; it causes our pre-conscious (subconscious) to go into overdrive as it tries to figure out what the future holds. This global phenomenon is causing an increase in harm and violence. Why is that?
The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is the 'logic' part of our brain and is located at the front of the frontal lobe, hence its name. It is commonly known as our executive function where problems are solved, where decisions are made, where logic sits and thus provides us with self-control.
The role of the PFC is to moderate our emotional brain, to bring logic to an emotional situation, to bring calm to the storm.
The PFC doesn't fully develop until around our mid-twenties which is when we fully connect with our limbic system, often referred to as our 'emotional brain'. Thus, a teenager who hasn't yet fully developed the PFC-limbic connection may act rashly under stress. Without the full connection, teenagers learn by experiencing (experimenting) rather than thinking things through.
Most of us will behave the way a teenager does when our brain cannot find certainty. In times of uncertainty, the connection between the limbic system and the PFC is broken due to our automatic fight-or-flight (f-or-f) response therefore we remain in our emotional brain where our emotion regulator is found, the amygdala.
Promoting long-term wellbeing often comes back to the very basics, and reconnecting with logic is no different. Three simple activities that we can all do without any cost or major effort to reduce f-or-f (whether conscious or subconscious) and stay connected to our PFC for much longer - walking, writing, and talking.
Walking - Exercise need only be a 20 to 30-minute medium to fast-paced to burn off adrenaline & cortisol, and to reconnect us to our PFC. Plus, we get the bonus of pain-relieving endorphins to make us feel great.
Writing - We place ideas logically while also checking spelling, punctuation, usage, and grammar using fine motor skills. Plus, we get the bonus of getting the issue outside of our head and accessing our preconscious thus controlling its automatic overthinking function.
Talking - In general, the left hemisphere of the brain is responsible for language and speech. We are in part, in our PFC when talking.
Plus, as a bonus and more importantly, when we talk with others many positive things occur;
🗣️ Getting issues out of our heads and into the open stops us from overthinking and catastrophising.
🗣️ We can compare the experience of another person to that of ours, and use it in our own situation.
🗣️ We get to express how we feel - emotions will come out, the sooner they do so the better for us.
🗣️ Connecting with others helps us feel less alone.
Uncertainty is processed as adversity within our brain therefore reconnecting with logic helps us to manage this world of ours which can be filled with so much uncertainty.
Imperatively, let's talk!
"Is This Resiliency Stuff Important?"
"Is all of this resiliency stuff that you talk about really that important Lance?"
Of course, you would know what my response was, "Yes".
There are a few ways of getting depression, of becoming unwell as I refer to it, the most common one today for leaders and managers is from burnout. Who would have thought that working hard could hurt you?
In a work context, often how people 'fall over' is when they are placed under too much pressure. Pressure is good for us, it excites us, stimulates us, keeps us focussed and we are often at our best when under pressure. We can all handle a bit of pressure from time to time, in fact we need it to keep us motivated.
However, when pressure becomes relentless, we may become overwhelmed if we aren't looking after ourselves. And that can lead to us thinking that we are under stress. Stress is internal, it is you telling yourself that you are stressed. No person can make you stressed, or stress you out, it is simply your internal reaction to their external action. Instead, tell yourself that you are "busy" and that you need to slow down.
At this stage, if you have been under pressure for too long and perhaps telling yourself that you are stressed, you could go into depression. People become sullen, unmotivated, and lethargic when they are under lots of pressure and can't see a way out. There is usually a catalyst at this point, something unintended, something that comes out of the blue. Often it is something personal that strikes us in our hearts.
Negative thoughts flood in, we isolate ourselves from others, become moody, have trouble focusing, start making mistakes, try to keep busy, and worst of all, don't tell anyone as we try to work through it alone.
While this is usually the pattern we go through when work gets the better of us, there are variables.
Know that if you are doing a lot of self-talking, trying to keep yourself busy, not going out as much as you used to, not wanting to talk with others, have lost the urge to do spontaneous things, don't smile as much as you once did, and cannot look others in the eye, then you need to make some changes.
Pressure is a good thing, too much of it can be detrimental to your wellbeing. Prevention is the key, and this is achieved through balance.
Let's talk!