The fifth and final post on suicide, how does it all start? For each of us it might be a different reason, but how our brain (mind) processes that reason that takes us down is often the same. It all starts with what we perceive to be a 'loss'.
The loss of a loved one (grief), the loss of a relationship (it's all over after giving so much), the loss of a job (I failed/am a failure), the loss of self-respect (I am worthless), the loss of self-esteem (others put me down or bully me), the loss of personal values (guilt and regret following an indiscretion), the loss of self-control (I can't cope with all that is happening), the loss of health (I have an incurable illness), the loss of a body's function (I will never be the same again), the loss of things being right (perfectionism), the loss of high expectations (I'm not as good as others), the loss of face (I embarrassed myself), the loss of identity (I aren't like them/ don't fit in), the loss of..........
Any loss takes a toll on us, the greater the sense of loss or the number of losses correlates to the greater chance that we will start to overthink the situation, start to repeat the loss, and continue to overthink things. As humans, most of us aren't programmed to tell ourselves that things will be okay, that we will adapt, that all we need is time.
We are programmed to find a solution to what occurred by repeating the event.
The more that we hold negative thoughts inside of our head, the more that we will catastrophise the loss - expand the negative aspect - until we start to blame ourselves and believe that there is no clear way forward.
We become lost in our loss; we have failed.
Here's a simple example of catastrophisation; you leave home and shout out to your partner "See you later", they shout back "Whatever!" You think, I will deal with this when I get home. What do you think about all day, that single word, 'Whatever'. By the time you get home, you are having a divorce, you are breaking up, it's all over. Inside your head that is. You ask your partner "When I left this morning, what did you shout back to me when I said, goodbye?" "Love you forever", what do you think that I said? "Nothing" you reply.
Our brains are continually looking for danger to keep us safe, more so today than any other time in history. Essentially, we have far greater information coming into our brain and more decisions to make than ever before which is making our brain run much faster than previously.
Evolutionarily, when our brains ran fast it meant that there was danger about.
Our brains have simply not adapted to keeping up with rapid advances in our environment, we are in fight-or-flight mode more than ever before in our living history. A fast brain equates to fight-or-flight equates to looking for danger equates to finding danger equates to finding a sense of loss to find the danger as to why our brain is going faster.
The sense of loss also leads us to believe that we have failed.
When we have a loss of any kind, and hold onto our negative thoughts about that loss, the negative aspect of the loss is exaggerated by the fight-or-flight phenomenon. We end up in a downward spiral of increasing and relentless negative thoughts. The negative thoughts forming neural pathways in our brain, superhighways of thoughts, so much so that everything seems to be overwhelming and we cannot seem to change our negative thoughts.
It becomes far easier to travel along the superhighway rather than conduct a U-turn and drive against the flow.
The downward spiral will continue and will take us down regardless of whether it is from worry or from rumination about the loss. If we allow our negative thoughts to take hold and don't stop them early enough, they will continue to the point where we end up with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. There is no way out and I can't control it, I have failed, I am a failure.
Worry, the inner critic, the imposter, the younger self, the voice inside of our head. All of these are the same thing, risk management tools designed to keep us safe from danger. Tools that are now running too fast, so fast that they are now finding danger where danger doesn't exist, tools that have now become our danger. Tools that will now take us down if we allow them too.
How do you stop these spirals? By taking action, by running to the fire, by not allowing our thoughts to take over our brain (mind). You see, physiology (our body) affects psychology (our mind) and psychology affects physiology. Hence, we know that doing something physical will make us feel better and changing our thoughts will empower us to take action. Bring both physiology and psychology together, you have a strong recipe for stopping the spiral.
Our brain never stops working and they are incredibly practical, that's how we have got to where we are today, using our brains to work on problems to come up with practical solutions. We can work at worrying or we can work at working on what is worrying us, our brains don't care which of these we choose to do. The latter is better for us.
Additionally, we are social creatures, our brains are hardwired to talk with others. What might happen if we were to join both socialisation (talking with others) and taking some practical action? The answer, a strong recipe for stopping the downward spiral. Join all three - talking, coming up with a plan of action, and working on that plan - a far stronger recipe for success.
If you identify that a person is struggling with their thoughts, sit and talk with them. Talk about what happened, talk about how they are feeling, talk about what is the most important thing to them right now, and more essentially, talk with them about how they got to where they currently are.
What, how, and why, in that order.
Somewhere in the chat will be the trigger, the thing or things that started or continue to influence the downward spiral. Once the trigger or triggers are identified, list a few tasks that the person could do to move forward, practical activities to keep them focussed and busy. Number the tasks starting with the easiest task first, one that won't take much effort, the lowest hanging fruit, the one that will eventually lead to momentum.
When we succeed at something, we are rewarded with dopamine, a real gamechanger when it comes to chemically influencing our thoughts. It excites our brain.
That will make it a little easier to start on the next activity on the list. When we achieve the next activity, we again get rewarded which makes the next task easier still. Effort and excitement, E2 if you like, is how to break a negative pattern and to move forward.
Self-actualised neuroplasticity - the ability to self-promote an open mind, to complete the U-turn, to drive new neural pathways into our brain against the current flow.
If we keep doing this, something transformational may happen. We start to influence our genetic disposition by masking the genes. Epigenetics - https://www.whatisepigenetics.com/fundamentals/
The way in which suicidal ideations start is with negative thoughts, thoughts about a feeling of loss, negative thoughts leading to thoughts of death.
They are nothing more than thoughts, our thoughts, thoughts that we can change if we know what they are and how to control them. We control them with taking practical action to tell our brain that we are in control. Thoughts, thoughts that we must control as early as possible, if we wait too long then they seem to become someone else's thoughts.
They are our thoughts and only we can change them.
Our brain (mind) is very powerful, so powerful that it can get away on us to our demise. Controlling our thoughts is how we can get through this epidemic of suicide that is spreading around the world like a virus.
Our brain likes to continuously work whether we want them to or not, so let's get them working to our advantage by focussing on practical actions. To keep us safe, like they were originally designed to do.
Let's talk!
Or learn more in our online courses:
The Brain: Emotions and Breathing
Dealing with Emotional People