The Grief Cycle For Recovery - Is It Truly A Cycle?

It is said that we go through a recognised cycle when adversity hits, the grief cycle.

This cycle is based on a model developed in 1969 by Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who worked for many years with terminally ill people. It remains largely valid today despite us knowing more about the brain than ever before. In fact, that same cycle is a useful model for dealing with all adverse events.

For me, the cycle is not quite as descriptive as suggested. There is no clear delineation between the stages nor what happens in each stage. In fact, the entire process seems more like a washing machine cycle than a stage-by-stage recovery process.

😳 Disbelief - shock, horror, and numbness. Similar to denial is complete disbelief of what occurred. We may have thoughts of; these things always happen to someone else but not me, it must be wrong, I am going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay, it is just a bad dream.

🎢 Anger - or a roller coaster of emotions. We may experience a complete range of emotions; sadness, anger, anxiety, despair, fear, guilt, regret, and the list goes on. Many of us will find ourselves getting angry - how dare this happen to me - all of these emotions are usual (normal).

🤝 Negotiating - making promises, deals and pleas with; a higher power, other people, or yourself. "I promise if you get me through this I will or never will...." We look at ways to move forward but are reluctant to do so as we don't ever want to forget what has occurred. We do try to bargain to move on, mostly with ourselves.

😩 Exhaustion - in the following days, weeks, or months of heightened emotions; we get tired, fragile, and vulnerable. Melancholia (deep sadness) from exhaustion sets in. This is the time to be gentle with ourselves because we are at our most sensitive. It's the time now to reflect on what occurred, the time to forgive us and others, the time to rest, the time to allow ourselves the pleasure of experiencing life again.

❤️‍🩹 Recovery - When we have rested, when we feel the desire to make a change, and only when we are ready and not when others tell us to; it's time to move forward.

Know that you will never forget what has happened, yet with time the vivid event will lessen its negative impact on our memory and we will remember how strong we are.

It Has Been Relentless - You've Got This!

There is no doubt that Aotearoa New Zealand has faced relentless challenges over the recent years. It was first thought that it is simply the media's ability to readily report events that highlights them for us. Partly true. However, looking at the statistics reveals that we have been through a lot!

Two earthquakes in Canterbury, Pike River mine collapse, Kaikoura earthquake, Whakaari White Island eruption, Christchurch Mosque shootings, Covid-19 pandemic, and two extreme weather events in the upper North Island in two weeks. Whew, and those are just the big ones.

A big thank you to everyone who works in the emergency services for responding to these events, putting yourselves in harm's way to selflessly save others while facing the same challenges as we do.

A bigger thank you to the many volunteers and community groups who set aside their own needs for the welfare of others less able to help themselves.

A massive thank you to you! You have been through so much in the last 12 years and you have worked your way through each one.

Now is not the time to reflect, now is the time to continue to work your way through whatever befalls you.

One step at a time, the slower the better, doing one small thing each day towards getting through what's in front of you.

We must all process these events at some point, we have to, otherwise they will appear more and more relentless.

When the time is right, and you will know when, reflect on your achievements. Look at what you faced, look at what you got through, look at how you got through it, and look at who was there to support you through another of life's challenges.

You will get through this, I promise you.

Help yourself, accept help, and help others.

You've got this, we've got this, always together.

Let's talk!

Just Be There For Them.

When we know that someone is struggling, perhaps depressed, maybe they have depression, it is important to support that person as much as possible. Encouraging them to seek expert help is also very important.

Previously, I have spoken on what to do and say to the person you want to help, this time I will cover what NOT to say;

"You'll be okay" - Reassure them by all means, but this statement can sound a little dismissive.

"I know how you feel" - You may have been through something similar yourself however each of us is different. We can make generalisations, but there are always unique differences between each of us.

"Snap out of it" - Recovery time varies for each of us and it is often so slow that it is almost unrecognisable.

"This has been going on for far too long now" - Maybe it has. It can be a swift dive down into the depths of despair but it is often a long and slow road back.

"We all have our crosses to bare (tell everyone about)" - I am embarrassed to say that I once was a supporter of this mantra until I became unwell. Each of us does have a cross or two to bare, and we should help each other to carry the burden if we can.

"I read about this cure" - While well-meaning, people can be overwhelmed by those wanting to help. Know that there is a lot going on inside the head of someone who is struggling, they don't need more information to add to their self-talk.

"Have you tried..." - Similar to the sentence above, they probably have tried whatever you are going to suggest.

Enough of what not to do Lance... what can we say?

👉 "I am here for you for whatever you want or need. You are going through a tough time, I can see that. Please let me know if I can help and how I can do so. Take your time, I'll be here whenever you need me to be. If it's alright with you I will check in with you every now and then, it's no trouble because you mean a lot to us."

👉 A saying used in crisis intervention - 'If you don't know, ask.'

👉 That is my recommendation for you to do when you are trying to help someone who is going through depression - after you have encouraged them to get help of course. Ask them how they are feeling and what they are thinking.

Don't try and fix it, simply be there for them.

Reflecting On My Past As A Crisis Negotiator

Looking back on my time as a crisis negotiator with the NZ Police, as someone who spoke with people who stood on the precipice of taking their life, here are a few things that I learned from talking with them:

Life is never a straight line - as much as we would like it to be, we will all be hit with adversity at some point. Knowing how to manage that adversity and knowing that our response to it is 'normal' will help us work through the recovery process.

It is in our heart, not our head - when adversity hits, the psychological reaction occurs in our head but the physiological reaction is felt in our heart due to our natural emotional response. Managing our thoughts will assist in managing the impact on our hearts.

Mistakes can feel like adversity - when we make an error, our inner critic is there to remind us of the need to stay within our safety barriers. There are few of us who truly don't care about anything, despite what they might tell us, there are very few exceptions. The more that we focus on the mistake then the greater it will seem.

Let it go - ha, let it go they say, easier said than done. Yet, we must do so once we have felt the guilt and regret. Languish for a short period, feel the emotions, and then set about making amends for your mistake.

You can make amends - it is said that we should make amends by apologising, repairing, or showing penance for our errors. They work, but so does promising yourself not to make the same mistake again and working on yourself to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Helping others who find themselves in the same situation as you did also can help you. Sometimes we make mistakes more than once, so what. "What did you learn this time" is what I would ask myself.

Survival is about time - all of us are born with the same basic functions, a set of hardwired rules designed to keep us safe from harm and survive should we stray outside the safety rails. Time is what we need: to feel the pain; to reflect on the mistake; to make amends; to heal.

You are not alone - whatever normal might be, you are just that, normal. You are not bad, you are not a fool, and you are not stupid. Many before you have, and many after you will, make the same mistake as you. Knowing that we are not 'different' provides a degree of comfort.

It is okay to say, "I'm not okay". Reach out if you are struggling to work through your mistake, the sooner the better. It takes more courage to reach out than it does to work through it, courage that we are all born with, our natural survival mechanism.

Take action - we must make a plan, visualise that plan succeeding, and then take action to achieve our objective. Visualisation comes second to making a plan and will not work by itself, just like you can't work by yourself when struggling.

Don't Push It Away - Get Curious!

If we push a negative thought, feeling, or emotion away, our brain can tend to hold onto it more because that is what our subconscious is designed to do. By getting curious and welcoming the thought, feeling, or emotion, our subconscious simply lets it go. We remove the negative attachment, we embrace the fear, and our brain says, "Nothing to see here, let's move on to something else".

Imagine the hay bale in the image below is our negative feeling.

We want to carry on despite there being an obstacle in our path, so we work hard to push the hay bale away so we can keep moving forward. An exhausting process that only leaves us feeling tired and frustrated, with the hay bale still sitting in front of us.

What if instead of trying to push it away - we paused, got curious and explored the hay bale - learning to acknowledge and welcome its presence? Upon doing so - we may find that by stepping around the hay bale - we can pause to acknowledge its presence, and then continue to move forward rather than using our energy to push it away.

Try doing the same with your negative feelings. As that nervous, sickly feeling arrives, get curious about it. Think to yourself - "Hmmm, I wonder why you are back, what are you doing here, what are you trying to tell me?" Why not go further by welcoming it back and focusing completely on the feeling? How does it feel, what part of your stomach are you feeling it in, is it moving around or is it static, is it increasing or diminishing, how long is it here for?

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