Reflecting On My Past As A Crisis Negotiator

Looking back on my time as a crisis negotiator with the NZ Police, as someone who spoke with people who stood on the precipice of taking their life, here are a few things that I learned from talking with them:

Life is never a straight line - as much as we would like it to be, we will all be hit with adversity at some point. Knowing how to manage that adversity and knowing that our response to it is 'normal' will help us work through the recovery process.

It is in our heart, not our head - when adversity hits, the psychological reaction occurs in our head but the physiological reaction is felt in our heart due to our natural emotional response. Managing our thoughts will assist in managing the impact on our hearts.

Mistakes can feel like adversity - when we make an error, our inner critic is there to remind us of the need to stay within our safety barriers. There are few of us who truly don't care about anything, despite what they might tell us, there are very few exceptions. The more that we focus on the mistake then the greater it will seem.

Let it go - ha, let it go they say, easier said than done. Yet, we must do so once we have felt the guilt and regret. Languish for a short period, feel the emotions, and then set about making amends for your mistake.

You can make amends - it is said that we should make amends by apologising, repairing, or showing penance for our errors. They work, but so does promising yourself not to make the same mistake again and working on yourself to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Helping others who find themselves in the same situation as you did also can help you. Sometimes we make mistakes more than once, so what. "What did you learn this time" is what I would ask myself.

Survival is about time - all of us are born with the same basic functions, a set of hardwired rules designed to keep us safe from harm and survive should we stray outside the safety rails. Time is what we need: to feel the pain; to reflect on the mistake; to make amends; to heal.

You are not alone - whatever normal might be, you are just that, normal. You are not bad, you are not a fool, and you are not stupid. Many before you have, and many after you will, make the same mistake as you. Knowing that we are not 'different' provides a degree of comfort.

It is okay to say, "I'm not okay". Reach out if you are struggling to work through your mistake, the sooner the better. It takes more courage to reach out than it does to work through it, courage that we are all born with, our natural survival mechanism.

Take action - we must make a plan, visualise that plan succeeding, and then take action to achieve our objective. Visualisation comes second to making a plan and will not work by itself, just like you can't work by yourself when struggling.

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