If I Only Knew Then, What I Know Now!

Guilt, regret, rumination, catastrophisation. Many of us have done things that we wish we hadn't and we get remined of our mistakes every so often. The greater the emotional attachment to the mistake then the more likely it is that we will continue to beat ourselves up about it.

This is yet another of the many tools each of us have, to a lesser or greater degree, that is designed to keep us safe so that we stay within life's safety barriers. Seldom does this 'risk management' tool work effectively unless we understand how or why it is there.

Looking back on my time as a crisis negotiator with the NZ Police, as someone who spoke with people who stood on the precipice of taking their life, here's a few things that I learned from talking with them, all of whom survived.

  1. Life is never a straight line - as much as we would like it to be, we will all be hit with adversity at some point. Knowing how to manage that adversity and knowing that our response to it is 'normal' will help us work through the recovery process.

  2. It is in our heart, not our head - when adversity hits, the psychological reaction occurs in our head but the physiological reaction is felt in our heart due to our natural emotional response. Managing our thoughts will assist in managing the impact in our heart.

  3. Mistakes can feel like adversity - when we make an error, our inner critic is there to remind us of the need to stay within our safety barriers. There are few of us who truly don't care about anything, despite what they might tell us, there are very few exceptions. The more that we focus on the mistake then the greater it will seem.

  4. Let it go - ha, let it go they say, easier said than done. Yet, we must do so once we have felt the guilt and regret. Languish for a short period, feel the emotions, then set about making amends for your mistake.

  5. You can make amends - it is said that we should make amends by apologising, repairing, or showing penance for our error. They work, but so does promising yourself not to make the same mistake again and working on yourself to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Helping others who find themselves in the same situation as you did also can help you.

  6. Survival is about time - all of us are born with the same basic functions, a set of hardwired rules designed to keep us safe from harm and to survive should we stray outside of the safety rails. Time is what we need: time to feel the hurt; time to reflect on the mistake; time to make amends; time to heal.

  7. You are not alone - whatever normal might be, you are just that, normal. You are not bad, you are not a fool, you are not stupid, you are not the only who made this mistake. Many before you have, and many after you will, make the same mistake as you. Knowing that we are not 'different' provides a degree of comfort.

  8. It's not okay, to not be okay - it is however, okay to say, "I'm not okay". Words do matter, particularly those words that we use when talking with our self. Reach out if you are struggling to work through your mistake, the sooner the better. It takes more courage to reach out than it does to work through it, courage that we are all born with, our natural survival mechanism.

  9. Take action - whilst visualisation works, we must make a plan, visualise that plan succeeding, then take action to achieve our objective. Visualisation comes second to making a plan and will not work by itself, just like you can't work by yourself when struggling.

  10. What if you don't learn from your mistake - sometimes we make mistakes more than once, so what. "What did you learn this time" is what I would ask myself before going through the same process listed above.

If I only knew then what I know now. It is said that the older we are the wiser we are. Maybe so, that's because we have lived for longer therefore have more life experience to reference. They have made more mistakes than younger people.

When you make a mistake look at it for what it is, a mistake. No mistake is so big that you can't move on from it. Feel the emotion, make a plan as to how to move forward, visualise working through the plan and take action on the first step towards your goal. Each time you do this it gets much easier. Mistakes are a part of life and life is never a straight line.

In all situations where you can't help yourself, reach out, we are here to help you through. Love yourself for who you are because we love you still, mistakes and all.

Let's talk!

Visualisation Won't Keep Your Business Going, But It Might Help!

Visualisation is described as 'the formation of a mental image of something', and we are told that it is very helpful in succeeding to achieve a goal. And it is in some situations. However, you must also take some action towards your goal. Visualisation is insufficient by itself.

Currently, many businesses around the world are floundering or folding. It's a damn hard place to be as a business owner to see your life's passion crumbling because of something that you have no control over. You are not just losing a job, you are losing so much more.

We watch as good businesses are crumbling daily through no fault of the owner and the support offered by governments will not keep all businesses going for the foreseeable future. With every business that folds, many jobs go with them. Unemployment is demoralising and impacts on our wellbeing.

Visualising your business continuing through this Covid-crisis won't work, nor will sitting back and waiting for things to unfold. Keeping a business running in times like these takes both visualisation and action on your part.

There are two types of visualisation: outcome visualisation which involves envisioning achieving a goal; and process visualisation which involves envisioning each of the actions necessary to achieve an outcome. It is the latter technique that we can use to help keep our businesses going.

Here is a quick model that may be helpful if your business is struggling. Get with a group of people, some who are business owners and others who know nothing about running a business as they will bring a different lens to find solutions. Each of us is limited in findig new ideas because of our own experiences, having other people assisting extends that experience and knowledge base.

Next, come up with a list of actions to take to keep your business going - diversification of your product or service, seeking a wage subsidy, requesting rent relief, finding an outside investor, collaborating with a similar business, finding a business partner, operating differently - come up with as many ideas as you can.

That's just the start, we now must expand each of these solutions into smaller steps, just as we would when using the process visualisation technique.

Choosing diversification as an example from our list, expand that topic and come up with ideas on how you can diversify your business - expand the product range, go online, look for a gap in the market, change your client base, alter your marketing strategy, offer a range of delivery options - come up with as many opportunities to diversify your business as possible.

Then, look at the next option and go through the same process, repeating for every option on your earlier list.

That's still not enough, we have to make these smaller steps even simpler still which will provide us with a much clearer plan and a greater chance of success at each step. Success is what drives us as humans, as we achieve each step of our plan we get a shot of dopamine as a reward which provides us with further motivation.

Examining the topic of expanding your product range - what products compliment your current range, what products might the market need, which product cost range shall you target, which products are counter to what you offer - again look at each one in closer detail. Then, take another option from your list and expand that one.

As you work through this exercise, you will feel energised and be in a much better position to visualise your plan.

At the conclusion of this expansion, make your plan even clearer by numbering the activities from the easiest to the most difficult. Taking the easiest activity first provides the greater chance of success and gives us the drive to keep going. Self-induced neuroplasticity, driving a new neural pathway, a new way of thinking if you prefer.

There's your new business plan! If you need finance, logistics, or some other support then again go through this same activity-focussed planning method of visualising each step and examining how to make that step work.

Sitting and waiting for things to happen in today's environment is not good business practice at the best of times, nor is visualising continuing in business when the future is uncertain. Taking action is the key, positive action with a firm goal in mind.

If you need assistance or clarification on this technique, I would be happy to assist you. I am a business owner just like you, working hard to stay in business.

Let's talk!

Hang On, Help Is On Its Way.

This catchy tune from the Little River Band is one that I enjoyed listening to in the late 1970s, but I never took too much notice of the lyrics. Today, I believe the lyrics are more important than ever before, although I would change a couple of words. Let's look at the first few lines of that song.

"Why are you in so much hurry?" Is it not true that the dynamic world in which we now live has caused us to move much faster than previously. We seem to be in a continual race to try to get to the end, the end which is never there. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Life is a marathon, and while we do still have to run a marathon if we are to achieve our goals, we don't need to run as fast as we would if we were in a sprint.

"Is it really worth the worry?" Worry comes from fear and fear is what keeps us safe, but with our hurried behaviour our fears (worries) have increased significantly. Type 2 stress is detrimental to our wellbeing and is described as chronic worry, the definition of anxiety is worrying thoughts. We do need some worry to keep ourselves safe, however we do not need to worry as much as we once needed to.

"Look around, then slow down." Perfect. To bring ourselves back to the moment, every so often lift your head up, look around you, take a long deep breath, and off you go again. Small rechecks across our day will keep us in the moment, in life.

"What's it like inside the bubble?" Wow, how prophetic a line for this current Covid-filled world that we live in, we are all safe if we stay in our personal bubble. But that's not the bubble they sing about, the reference is about the bubble inside of our heads, our mind. How often do you stop to think about what you are thinking about? If we allow our thoughts to wander they will always end in a negative thought.

"Does your head ever give you trouble? Whose head isn't giving them trouble at the moment. Perhaps you are feeling a little shaky or wobbly, maybe feeling fragile or even vulnerable, a lack of certainty perhaps. Life is never a straight line, it is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Learning to adapt to these changes is how we can maintain our wellbeing.

"It's no sin, trade it in." We must get on top of our worries as soon as possible. It's not a sign of weakness to change our path, to not achieve, to apologise, to ask for help. Its certainly not a sin, it's a sign, a sign of true strength.

"Hang on, help is on its way" In the work that I do, this is one word of the song I would change, replace 'Hang' with 'Hold'. It might be a personal thing, but for me, telling someone who is suicidal to 'hang on' is not the right word. I recall at the end of a long suicide intervention I asked the person to "Jump down" off the ledge of the bridge to my side and they stopped and looked over the high side, my heart sank. They were making a small joke to lighten the moment, a joke I shall never forget.

"I'll be there as fast as I can" It is often difficult to get help, long-term. Despite the many wonderful agencies able to offer immediate support, getting longer term support can be a challenge. It's the long-term help that we all need after being in the mire and it is very important to know that people do care about you. They are most likely swamped. We are here, we want to help, and we will help. If we don't get back to you soon enough, try someone else. Someone is definitely here for you long-term.

"Hang on, a tiny voice did say" That voice inside of our head that keeps us inline, the internal narrative, designed to keep us safe. That voice that often seems so real, the one that comforted us as a child but has now turned on us. It seems so real, that voice, it sounds like it wants to help because it is no longer our voice. It's so strong now, so certain.

It's NOT real. It is nothing more than yourself, talking to yourself, about yourself. But, if it tells you to HOLD on, listen to it.

"From somewhere deep inside the inner man." And inner woman I might suggest, "inside the inner human" might be better. Deep inside of us is our true self, inside of our heart, the real you, the one who cares deeply about you. That's your true self. Listen to your heart and hold on to what you love so dearly. Keep returning to it when your mind wanders.

And so the song goes on. Then comes the real solution to our personal inner turmoil - "Don't you forget who'll take care of you, it don't matter what you do, form a duet, let him (them) sing melody, you'll provide the harmony."

It doesn't matter what you have done, we all make mistakes. Nor does it matter what you are worried about for we all have worries. The best way to deal with life's issues is to talk about them with others. It's not a shame to do so, it's not a sin, it's courageous to talk openly about whatever is troubling us. Each of us is limited to our own experiences therefore we may not find the solution to resolve our worries within our own library of reference material, we must externalise our worry to find an answer in an athenaeum.

Hold on, that tiny voice did say, somewhere deep inside is our true self. Things can change, they do change, they will change. Hold on, help is on its way, we just might have to look a bit harder to find help. Hold on, help is inside of us all. Our true self, our spiritual self, our inner strength. Our heart. The heart will always overcome the brain when the brain has gone astray.

When conducting a suicide intervention, we always ask the person what has kept them going, the hook we call it. The hook is always linked to the heart.

We are all better than we think we are and we are all stronger than we think we are. We, together, form an even stronger self. Hold on, reach out, we are here for you.

Let's talk!

I Just Want This Madness To End!

Don't most of us want this crazy world that we live in at the moment to stop, or at least to go back to the way it was. It might, one day, but no day soon. Accepting that this is our new normal is a suggested way of getting through the turbulent times that Covid-19 has thrust upon us. For me, that's not enough because it doesn't help me to help myself.

I too want this madness to end, but simply accepting that this is our new normal is impractical. The madness I want to help end is not just for me though, it's also for the way that some of us are reacting to others as we feel the effects of Covid impact on our lives. The vitriol, the scorn, the hurtful comments and negative suggestions, all of these things are hurting others.

Abuse, bullying, harassment, slander, angry or aggressive outbursts, and violence. All of these things have increased markedly in recent weeks. It is said that we hurt the ones that we love, and that is so often the case because they are close to us, physically and figuratively. But, hurting another to make us feel better won't help anyone.

It doesn't need an expert to find the common link, uncertainty. In uncertain times we do uncertain things. Our negative emotions are exacerbated as we look for certainty.

I will make a bold statement, and I do expect (hope) that others will disagree, 'ALL of us are in some way feeling hurt, fragile, or angry at the moment, more so than ever before'. Let me know if you aren't and I will ask you how that is, what are you doing that the rest of us should be doing.

Have you never recently had an outburst of frustration, written a negative comment on a post, or felt as though everything is working against you?

"Be nice" or "Be kind" are rightfully great comments to encourage us to behave positively but comments like this seldom work in times of uncertainty. I note that one business has changed their recent banner from "Stay Nice" to "Stay Safe", a much better mantra in my opinion. At least stay safe is something practical that we can all do.

Why is it a better mantra, because the emotions involved in staying safe are positive ones and are about ourselves.

We are driven by emotions; they let us know how to feel, they keep us safe, they let us know that we are alive. And, if they are positively focusing on us and not others, we will likely follow them.

Emotions are heightened in times of uncertainty because we are on high alert to risk, we are often outside of our comfort zone, we are looking for things that could go wrong, we are looking for what has changed, comparing the way it was with the way it is now. We want to get back on that known and comforting neural pathway, however that pathway is no longer there.

Here's an alternative to the usual tips I provide of - breathing (sigh or 6-second repeating), socialising (talking and connecting), exercising (walking or playing), and sleeping. Ride the waves, again literally and figuratively.

We all go through highs and lows - not just across our lives but also across our days - no one is in a constant Alpha state. For every low there is a high, the lower the low the higher the high, or so it is said. I was once a big believer in pushing hard when feeling low to get back to the high to remain in the positive zone, now I think I might have got that slightly wrong.

Lately, we have all been on a massive roller-coaster of ups and downs, so much so that I wondered if I should even get out of bed on some days. On those days of not feeling like facing the world, I don't bother, not immediately at least. I lay there and think.

I think about how the world has changed, I think about how hard things seem, I think about the vitriol I received the night before on social media, I think about how I made many mistakes in my life, I think about... I languish in the depths for a bit. Then, without prompting, a positive thought will enter my head - what about that email you have to send, that pet you have to feed, that call you have to make, that meeting you have to attend.... - and that's enough to get me out of bed. Next I thing, I'm off again on a high with more energy than before.

That's the key isn't it? To rest when you need to, to be in a slump if you need to, to feel down if that is the emotion you are feeling at the moment. And, when the time is right, - get up, dress up, front up - and get into life once again. It's not okay to not be okay, yet, it is okay to rest to become okay.

Perhaps we could do well to espouse "Be nice to yourself" or "Be kind to yourself" as a new mantra. Maybe then we might not make that nasty comment, may not lash out in a fit of frustration, and may not hurt the ones who we love the most.

Be nice, be kind, be gentle. Crazy times may not end, crazy behaviour will if we know why it is happening and what to do about it.

Let's talk!

Dealing With Adversity

Dealing With Adversity.

Having received many questions over the weekend about a programme that we ran last week on dealing with grief, it might be helpful for others if the information was shared to a wider audience.

Grief in particular can be very challenging to move on from, as can many other adverse challenges that we face. The closer the relationship to the person who passed, or the higher the emotion felt during the event that we faced, and the more that we continue to focus on that event, will always result in a downward spiral.

As we replay the event over and over in our mind - the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a relationship breakup, witnessing a horrific incident - the details can become distorted with this repeated replaying which in turn negatively affects our memory of it. If we don't do something about managing these distorted thoughts there is a high chance that we will find it terribly difficult to move forward.

It is said that we go through a recognised cycle when adversity hits, the grief cycle. This cycle is based on a model developed in 1969 by Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who worked for many years with terminally ill people. It remains largely valid today despite us knowing more about the brain than ever before. In fact, that same cycle is a useful model for dealing with all adverse events.

The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - can be felt in various forms, in various order, with no time attached to each stage. We are each the same, yet different.

For me, the cycle is not quite as descriptive as suggested. The is no clear delineation between the stages nor what happens in each stage. In fact, the entire process seems more like a washing machine cycle than a stage by stage recovery process. Here's what many find as they go through the process of dealing with adversity:

Disbelief - shock, horror, and numbness. Similar to denial is a complete disbelief of what occurred. We may have thoughts of; these things always happen to someone else but not me, it must wrong, I am going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay, it is just a bad dream.

Roller coaster - we may experience a complete range of emotions; sadness, anger, anxiety, despair, fear, guilt, regret, the list goes on. Many of us will find ourselves getting angry at the person for dying - how dare they do this to me - all of these emotions are usual (normal).

Negotiating - making promises, deals and pleas with; a higher power, other people, or yourself. "I promise if you get me through this I will or never will...." We look at ways to move forward but reluctant to do so as we don't ever want to forget what has occurred. We do try to bargain to move on, mostly with ourselves.

Exhaustion - in the following days, weeks, or months of heightened emotions we get tired, fragile, and vulnerable. Melancholia (deep sadness) from exhaustion sets in. This is the time to be gentle on ourselves because we are at our most sensitive. It's the time now to reflect on what occurred, the time to forgive us and others, the time to rest, the time to allow ourselves the pleasure of experiencing life again.

Recovery - When we have rested, when we feel the desire to make a change, and only when we are ready and not when others tell us to, it's time to move forward. Know that you will never ever forget what has happened, yet with time the vivid event will lessen its negative impact on our memory and we will remember how strong we are.

Overcoming significant adverse events takes time and the amount of time needed depends. It depends on the emotional connection, it depends on the amount of emotions involved in the event, it depends on how long we have relayed the event in our mind, and it depends also on our upbringing. The smoother our upbringing the greater the chance that we have of a faster recovery. Or so it is said. We are the same yet different.

Give yourself permission to grieve, permission to experience the full range of emotions, permission to negotiate as much as you need to, then give yourself permission to rest, to recover, and to move forward. We are harder on ourselves than others are. Most of us are far more likely to be sensitive and caring to others who have been through the washing machine cycle than we are to ourselves.

If it is grief that we are working through, think about what the person who passed would have wanted you to do. Chances are they would want you to remember them for only the good things, the happy times, and to move on with our lives. Few people would want us to languish in despair.

Let's talk!

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