Dealing With Adversity

Dealing With Adversity.

Having received many questions over the weekend about a programme that we ran last week on dealing with grief, it might be helpful for others if the information was shared to a wider audience.

Grief in particular can be very challenging to move on from, as can many other adverse challenges that we face. The closer the relationship to the person who passed, or the higher the emotion felt during the event that we faced, and the more that we continue to focus on that event, will always result in a downward spiral.

As we replay the event over and over in our mind - the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a relationship breakup, witnessing a horrific incident - the details can become distorted with this repeated replaying which in turn negatively affects our memory of it. If we don't do something about managing these distorted thoughts there is a high chance that we will find it terribly difficult to move forward.

It is said that we go through a recognised cycle when adversity hits, the grief cycle. This cycle is based on a model developed in 1969 by Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who worked for many years with terminally ill people. It remains largely valid today despite us knowing more about the brain than ever before. In fact, that same cycle is a useful model for dealing with all adverse events.

The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - can be felt in various forms, in various order, with no time attached to each stage. We are each the same, yet different.

For me, the cycle is not quite as descriptive as suggested. The is no clear delineation between the stages nor what happens in each stage. In fact, the entire process seems more like a washing machine cycle than a stage by stage recovery process. Here's what many find as they go through the process of dealing with adversity:

Disbelief - shock, horror, and numbness. Similar to denial is a complete disbelief of what occurred. We may have thoughts of; these things always happen to someone else but not me, it must wrong, I am going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay, it is just a bad dream.

Roller coaster - we may experience a complete range of emotions; sadness, anger, anxiety, despair, fear, guilt, regret, the list goes on. Many of us will find ourselves getting angry at the person for dying - how dare they do this to me - all of these emotions are usual (normal).

Negotiating - making promises, deals and pleas with; a higher power, other people, or yourself. "I promise if you get me through this I will or never will...." We look at ways to move forward but reluctant to do so as we don't ever want to forget what has occurred. We do try to bargain to move on, mostly with ourselves.

Exhaustion - in the following days, weeks, or months of heightened emotions we get tired, fragile, and vulnerable. Melancholia (deep sadness) from exhaustion sets in. This is the time to be gentle on ourselves because we are at our most sensitive. It's the time now to reflect on what occurred, the time to forgive us and others, the time to rest, the time to allow ourselves the pleasure of experiencing life again.

Recovery - When we have rested, when we feel the desire to make a change, and only when we are ready and not when others tell us to, it's time to move forward. Know that you will never ever forget what has happened, yet with time the vivid event will lessen its negative impact on our memory and we will remember how strong we are.

Overcoming significant adverse events takes time and the amount of time needed depends. It depends on the emotional connection, it depends on the amount of emotions involved in the event, it depends on how long we have relayed the event in our mind, and it depends also on our upbringing. The smoother our upbringing the greater the chance that we have of a faster recovery. Or so it is said. We are the same yet different.

Give yourself permission to grieve, permission to experience the full range of emotions, permission to negotiate as much as you need to, then give yourself permission to rest, to recover, and to move forward. We are harder on ourselves than others are. Most of us are far more likely to be sensitive and caring to others who have been through the washing machine cycle than we are to ourselves.

If it is grief that we are working through, think about what the person who passed would have wanted you to do. Chances are they would want you to remember them for only the good things, the happy times, and to move on with our lives. Few people would want us to languish in despair.

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