Guilt, regret, rumination, catastrophisation. Many of us have done things that we wish we hadn't and we get remined of our mistakes every so often. The greater the emotional attachment to the mistake then the more likely it is that we will continue to beat ourselves up about it.
This is yet another of the many tools each of us have, to a lesser or greater degree, that is designed to keep us safe so that we stay within life's safety barriers. Seldom does this 'risk management' tool work effectively unless we understand how or why it is there.
Looking back on my time as a crisis negotiator with the NZ Police, as someone who spoke with people who stood on the precipice of taking their life, here's a few things that I learned from talking with them, all of whom survived.
Life is never a straight line - as much as we would like it to be, we will all be hit with adversity at some point. Knowing how to manage that adversity and knowing that our response to it is 'normal' will help us work through the recovery process.
It is in our heart, not our head - when adversity hits, the psychological reaction occurs in our head but the physiological reaction is felt in our heart due to our natural emotional response. Managing our thoughts will assist in managing the impact in our heart.
Mistakes can feel like adversity - when we make an error, our inner critic is there to remind us of the need to stay within our safety barriers. There are few of us who truly don't care about anything, despite what they might tell us, there are very few exceptions. The more that we focus on the mistake then the greater it will seem.
Let it go - ha, let it go they say, easier said than done. Yet, we must do so once we have felt the guilt and regret. Languish for a short period, feel the emotions, then set about making amends for your mistake.
You can make amends - it is said that we should make amends by apologising, repairing, or showing penance for our error. They work, but so does promising yourself not to make the same mistake again and working on yourself to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Helping others who find themselves in the same situation as you did also can help you.
Survival is about time - all of us are born with the same basic functions, a set of hardwired rules designed to keep us safe from harm and to survive should we stray outside of the safety rails. Time is what we need: time to feel the hurt; time to reflect on the mistake; time to make amends; time to heal.
You are not alone - whatever normal might be, you are just that, normal. You are not bad, you are not a fool, you are not stupid, you are not the only who made this mistake. Many before you have, and many after you will, make the same mistake as you. Knowing that we are not 'different' provides a degree of comfort.
It's not okay, to not be okay - it is however, okay to say, "I'm not okay". Words do matter, particularly those words that we use when talking with our self. Reach out if you are struggling to work through your mistake, the sooner the better. It takes more courage to reach out than it does to work through it, courage that we are all born with, our natural survival mechanism.
Take action - whilst visualisation works, we must make a plan, visualise that plan succeeding, then take action to achieve our objective. Visualisation comes second to making a plan and will not work by itself, just like you can't work by yourself when struggling.
What if you don't learn from your mistake - sometimes we make mistakes more than once, so what. "What did you learn this time" is what I would ask myself before going through the same process listed above.
If I only knew then what I know now. It is said that the older we are the wiser we are. Maybe so, that's because we have lived for longer therefore have more life experience to reference. They have made more mistakes than younger people.
When you make a mistake look at it for what it is, a mistake. No mistake is so big that you can't move on from it. Feel the emotion, make a plan as to how to move forward, visualise working through the plan and take action on the first step towards your goal. Each time you do this it gets much easier. Mistakes are a part of life and life is never a straight line.
In all situations where you can't help yourself, reach out, we are here to help you through. Love yourself for who you are because we love you still, mistakes and all.
Let's talk!