"You need to harden up", "Tough people last, tough times don't", "Sometimes you just have to dig it in and things will get better", "What doesn't kill you makes you....". These sayings are no longer valid, more so for those under the age of 35. Our world has changed significantly in the last decade and we humans have also changed.
We have now returned to our past when as a species we survived by caring for each other to overcome our challenges.
The ongoing pandemic has shown us that those countries who looked after their people had fewer deaths than those who put their economy first, with a very few exceptions. Recent election results have also shown us this, those political parties with a caring approach have excelled, those with the old-style hardline approach have failed.
Why is that? Because what once worked for us, no longer does. Covid-19 helped to highlight this. Our frailties were exposed, we became fragile and vulnerable. Our planet was under threat and quickly began to recover when we changed our work practices due to the requirement to stay at home, our people are beginning to do the same and also recover. The way most of us are getting through the pandemic was by connecting with others, openly and honestly.
Those who completely shut themselves away during the pandemic are feeling more isolated, more fragile, and more vulnerable than those who cared for themselves AND cared for others.
Coaching, teaching, managing & leading people are other prime examples of the need for us to change our hardline approach. People in these roles who had a 'toughen up' approach have been moved on because of what is now termed bullying behaviour. Forcing someone to do something in today's world no longer gets the best out of people. Quite the opposite in most cases. Yelling at people or forcing them to do something against their will produces a negative effect by making them feel demeaned and inferior.
If 'hardening up' worked then why do we still need prisons? Numerous studies show that the majority of those in prison are there because of the way in which they were treated growing up as a child and treating them badly as an adult for punishment only adds to their ongoing behaviour. Tough love programmes are diminishing, conversion therapies are cruel and invalid, 'encouraging' children to be at the very top affects them negatively. The list goes on.
However, telling people to harden up, to toughen up, to work through the pain is not what it might have seemed on the face of it. What we were actually doing was encouraging them to dig deep inside of themselves and find their inner strength, to reach their true potential. "Search for the hero inside yourself" the lyrics from M People say. The writer was onto something.
The lyrics start - "Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes. A train arrives but never leaves, It's a shame, Oh life - like love that walks out of the door, Of being rich or being poor, Such a shame. But it's then, then that faith arrives, To make you feel at least alive. And that's why you should keep on aiming high, Just seek yourself and you will shine."
Allowing kids to 'climb a tree' to build their strength failed if we did not also teach them about the risks. We may have actually made them more frightened but they didn't want to let you down, to be seen as a failure in your eyes. If done appropriately, we were teaching them to step outside of their comfort zone, take a measured risk, to feel a little anxious, which will bring enlightenment through experience. To seek themselves and they will shine.
We were, in a sometimes crude way, teaching our children to reach their full potential.
Science does not have all of the answers and science changes over time. Psychology does not have all of the answers and psychology changes over time. So it goes then that people do not have all of the answers and people change over time. Imagine though if we brought them all together - neuroscience, positive psychology and emotional intelligence.
Knowledge and understanding now replaces ignorance and indifference.
So how do we ensure that our species survives, how do we get the best out of people, how do we encourage people to pick themselves up when they are struggling with their mind health? We can get people to connect with others so that we can encourage each other. And, more importantly, we can encourage people to connect with themselves.
We all have an inner strength, something that keeps us going when life gets on top of us. Encouraging those who are struggling to find their true inner strength, a strength that lies dormant in all of us, one that we can only find and know the real value of when we truly connect with it.
Fear is what keeps us safe and alive, and fear is for the most part, learned. Using our fear is the key to survival in today's everchanging and uncertain world. We don't need to 'harden up' or 'toughen up' to overcome fear, we need to embrace it. We learn to use fear by feeling it and working with it. Using the body's natural energy that fear brings - adrenaline and cortisol - to reach inside of ourselves and find our true self. Our real hero.
How do you encourage people to use their natural fear to do better, by showing them the value of their true inner strength, their true self. Not by yelling at them or forcing them, but by sharing knowledge. Ignorance is not bliss, it is harmful and hurtful. Knowledge of the mind, knowledge of the positive aspects of psychology, and knowledge of our emotions.
Forcing people to do something will only cause distress. You can tell someone who are behaving badly to leave, or you can ask them when is a good time for them to come back. Which do you think works best in today's world? If you are thinking the former, examine if it is truly working or is it because they fear, you.
The age of knowledge and understanding through connecting with others is upon us as it once was. Work with it, not against it if you want to survive.
Let's talk!