Shame Often Accompanies Guilt!

Following on from our last post on managing guilt, shame often accompanies guilt which can lead to feelings of regret and rumination.

Shame is a maladaptive emotion which means it doesn’t help us deal with our situation. Instead of leading to positive outcomes or a resolution, it tends to make things worse.

Maladaptive emotions interfere with our ability to think clearly, to make decisions, and to engage in healthy behaviours.

Many of our emotions can be adaptive or maladaptive depending on our experiences which form our benchmarks for future reference.

For example, fear can be adaptive when it keeps us safe from danger, but it becomes maladaptive if it prevents us from taking necessary actions or enjoying life.

Similarly, anger can motivate us to address an injustice and it can become maladaptive if it leads to aggressive behaviours or ruin relationships.

Managing shame from a neuroscience perspective involves understanding how the brain and nervous system respond to shame and then using techniques to regulate these responses. Here are some strategies based on neuroscience:

1. Recognise the Autonomic State: When experiencing shame, the brain activates the sympathetic nervous system, which triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response. Recognising this state can help you understand your reactions, it is simply responding to data based on our experiences.

2. Respect the Adaptive Response: Shame is a natural response that has evolved to help us navigate social interactions. Respecting by being aware of this response can help us accept it rather than fight it. Always remember that our brain holds onto what we try to push away!

3. Regulate or Co-Regulate: Techniques like slow deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises (more on these in our next post) can help regulate the nervous system and bring it back to a calmer state. Co-regulation involves seeking support from others to help manage these emotions and feelings.

4. Re-storying: This involves reframing your thoughts about shame, in other words changing the data we feed our brain. Instead of seeing it as a sign of personal failure, try to view it as a signal that something needs attention or to change.

5. Therapeutic Interventions: Working with a therapist trained in shame can be helpful. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) can help address and reprocess shame-based beliefs.

Self-compassion is another powerful tool for managing shame. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend struggling with shame.

Here are some ways to practice self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness: Recognise and accept your emotions without judgment. Instead of trying to suppress or ignore feelings of shame, acknowledge them with a gentle non-critical attitude.

2. Self-Kindness: Instead of harshly criticising yourself for the perceived shortcoming, offer understanding that it was a mistake based on your own benchmark. Remember that making mistakes and facing challenges are part of being human.

3. Common Humanity: Understand that you are not alone in your experiences. Everyone goes through difficult times, makes mistakes, and feels shame. Recognising this shared human experience can help you feel more connected and less isolated.

4. Self-Compassionate Actions: Engage in activities that nurture and care for yourself. This could be spending time with loved ones, engaging in a hobby, or simply taking a moment to rest and relax. Do one thing each day that you love doing.

5. Affirmations: Practice positive self-affirmations to counteract negative self-talk. Phrases like "I am a good person," "I am worthy respect," and "I am doing my best" can help shift your mindset.

Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook or ignoring areas for learning. It's about managing yourself with the same empathy and care that you would offer to others.

Let’s talk!

Guilt, The Emotion That Keeps Giving!

Guilt is one of many emotions that help us and make us human. Emotions help us:

1. Survive: Emotions like fear and anger have evolved to help us respond to threats and challenges.

2. Decision Making: Emotions help us evaluate situations quickly and make choices that align with our values and needs.

3. Communication: Emotions help us express our feelings and understand others, fostering social connections and empathy.

4. Motivation: Emotions drive us to act.

5. Learning and Memory: Strong emotions can enhance our attention and memory.

6. Overall Well-being: Emotions contribute to our overall mental and physical health.

I like to think of guilt as a boundary which guides us to stay within our lane of values. If we stray outside of our lane of values, then guilt will steer us back on track.

Guilt is termed an adaptive emotion that involves responding to emotions in ways that are beneficial and constructive.

Shame and guilt often go hand in hand and we can confuse one for the other.

Shame is termed a maladaptive emotion. It makes us feel bad about ourselves and can be destructive.

Although shame and guilt seem similar, they are very different. Guilt is concerned with the negative evaluation of a specific behaviour violating our moral standards, resulting in a desire to confess, apologise and/or make amends.

Shame relates to the negative evaluation of ourselves, causing a desire to vanish, escape or strike back. In short, guilt is concerned with what you did (the act) whereas shame is concerned with self-esteem and making you feel unworthy (the repercussions).

Overcoming feelings of guilt can be damn hard, but there are several strategies that can help:

1. Acknowledge Your Guilt: Recognise and accept your feelings of guilt instead of ignoring them. Our brain holds onto what we push away so sit with the feelings.

2. Understand the Source: Reflect on what caused your guilt. Ask yourself "Did I really do something wrong, or am I just perceiving I did wrong based on my imposed benchmark?"

3. Make Amends: If possible, take steps to rectify the situation. Apologising or making amends can help alleviate feelings of provided it does not hurt others when doing so.

4. Learn from the Experience: Use your guilt as a learning opportunity, make a self-declaration to never do it again.

5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, that does not define who we are.

6. Seek Support: Talk to someone you trust about your feelings. Sometimes, sharing your thoughts can provide relief and new perspectives.

7. Consider Professional Help: If your guilt is overwhelming or persistent, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional.

It is important to address guilt in a positive way to prevent it from negatively impacting your emotional wellbeing.

Let's talk!

Final Thoughts For 2024

With the last day of 2024, the last reflection before moving forward into 2025 with more determination and energy than the previous year.

I once thought that burnout was something to survive. Now I know it's something to learn from.

Burnout isn't just a workplace problem—it's a human experience. And after 22 years as a police crisis negotiator, I've learned that our most challenging moments often become our most profound teachers.

Three insights that transformed my understanding this year:

• **Burnout is a Universal Language** In my post "I'm Done: The Struggle with Burnout", I shared a raw truth: burnout feels "lonely, isolating, overwhelming, debilitating." It's not weakness—it's a signal that something needs to change.

• **Every Decision Carries Weight** Reflecting on my police years, I realised that "Those who work for the police do so because they genuinely want to help others." The same is true for mental health work—it's about genuine human connection.

• **Impostor Syndrome Meets Reality** We must "Accept that we are as good as others say we are and that we got to where we are because of who we are." This isn't arrogance—it's acknowledging our true worth.

This year brought significant milestones: publishing "Anxiety is a Worry", expanding WARN International's training programmes, and continuing my work with Life Education Trust, Look Good Feel Better, Tango Kilo Mike, Save The Brave and Volunteer Fire Brigades.

But the real achievement? Helping people understand that mind (mental) health isn't a destination—it's a journey.

In 2025, we're diving deeper. More practical tools, more real conversations, more understanding that personal resilience isn't about being unbreakable—it's about learning how to cope and rebuild when we stumble.

Let's talk!

New Year's Day, A Good Place To Start Or Just Another Day?

New Year's Resolutions!

Much has been written about the value, or otherwise, of New Year’s resolutions.

Some say they are great, others that they are a waste of time. It comes down to YOU!

For me, New Year is a time for rejuvenation and reinvigoration. It is a launching pad that has a definitive starting point to begin the year.

There are plenty of firsts in our lives and they always leave a meaningful impact. The first day of each school year, the first dance, the first kiss, the first day of work, the first... We all can remember our firsts.

I love the start of a new year; it is the first part of each year that sets the scene for the direction I want to head for the remainder of the year. The first day, not necessarily.

For me, the place to start is at the beginning of the first full week of January. New Year’s day is a holiday after all.

I always write a list of goals, targets to aim for. I am, however, not a fan of goals fitting the SMART framework - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound.

My goals are nothing more than a single sentence without constraints.

I don’t know about you but when others put rules around how I should do something it feels restrictive. For me, rules like the SMART guide go against my natural flow.

My goals are always Specific though and start with the word 'To'. This year one of my goals is ‘To get back into Australia with our work’.

I always set five goals, not sure why that is or where it came from, it just feels right for me.

The only Measure I set myself is; did I get there or close to it at the end of the year.

How do we know if our goal is Achievable until we have worked on it? I would rather see where my goal led me, often it is never where I thought it would be and is always better than I could imagine.

My goals are Relevant to me, not necessarily to the business or for anyone else, for it is my goal. Never do I set a Timeframe, only that I will try and get there as soon as possible.

My goals fit the SR guide – Specific and Relevant – and that works for me.

Once written out with a pen on paper I tend not to look at my goals until halfway through the year. I sometimes wonder whether I achieved any goals, if I am heading in the general direction and to remind myself that I did have a direction at the start of the year.

Do I achieve my goals, absolutely. Well, sometimes. Maybe. Mostly, if I am honest!

If I have not achieved all my goals mid-year, I adjust them to suit the direction I now wish to head.

Most often, what I have achieved is always way beyond where I envisaged that I would be. It blows my mind how this technique always works for me.

It is also at this time, the end of the year, where I look back and reflect to see what we actually achieved. Never exactly as planned yet always rewarding.

We all need a sense of direction, a target to aim for, one that we set ourselves according to our own desires. And, we all need a place to start, the date when you first set your goals.

My advice if you are considering whether to write New Year’s resolutions? Don't listen to what others say about them, nor should you listen to me, listen to yourself.

It need not be the start of the year, but why not then?

When do you want to start your new year with an impactful direction, it might be right after you have read this post.

Let's talk!

Thrive In 2025.

Our posts always focus on the positives, nothing will change this year.
What you might notice this year is that we will be offering a wider selection of strategies to help you through life's challenges.

Each year since 2020 there has been a mantra with last year being “Survive to 2025”.

Given that we are all different, that we live differently, that we have different experiences and that we have different priorities, we need your help to provide exactly what you want.

If you have something going on in your life that you're finding particularly challenging, there will always be others going through the same thing.

We could continue to post on what we think is relevant but that's just about us, we would prefer our posts to be about you.

I welcome you to get in touch and let me know about what you're finding particularly troublesome, and I will offer a range of suggestions based on validated research.

Our work is grounded in three facets - neuroscience (brain imaging), positive psychology (focusing on strengths and positive experiences) and emotional intelligence (ability to perceive, understand and manage our own emotions and relationships).

You can text or leave a voicemail to 0211105547, email lance@warninternational.com or direct message me on any of our social media platforms.

Please know that any personal information that you share, as well as your name or any other identifying factor, will be held in the strictest confidence and your message deleted immediately.

‘Helping people to help themselves’ has always been our aim and this will also continue.

We learn from each other, therefore if you read a post of ours please add your contribution in the comments which will add to our knowledge.

Let us all contribute so that we can “Thrive in 2025”.

Let's talk!