When we are going through a bad patch, when we have been hit with one of life's challenges, we are in pain. Emotional pain!
As we struggle with the problem our brain runs on self-survival mode. We begin to overthink, we begin to catastrophise, and we begin to feel less of ourselves. And that hurts us.
Everything seems insurmountable with just the smallest additional problem adding fuel to the fire that rages inside of us.
Emotional pain can be triggered by sadness, anger, anxiety, shame and guilt. Emotional pain often results in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as increased alcohol or substance use, compulsive behaviour, change in diet and aggression or violence.
When in a bad place we may lash out at others, and often it is those closest to us that bear the brunt of our hurtful reaction.
Because we are hurting does not justify our hurting others, it is however a reason.
We are told that exercise, socialisation, sleep, reading, writing, and any number of other strategies help us to overcome emotional pain.
There is another way that has a deep more meaningful effect on you and on others. It is known as the kindness ripple effect from altruism.
Altruism is the selfless concern for the well-being of others without care of one's own interests. In other words, doing something positive for someone else without expecting a reward. However, we always do receive a reward.
Decades of research have shown that we benefit when we do something for someone else - oxytocin is produced as part of social bonding connecting us with others, it boosts our self-esteem and self-worth, it enhances our well-being, it facilitates post-traumatic growth and improves physical health by reducing stress and lowering blood pressure.
A study conducted in 2018 concluded that performing small acts of kindness for seven days increases happiness with a positive correlation between the number of kind acts and to increased happiness. Karl Jung knew this back in the 1800’s.
Yet it is wider than what he might have envisaged. Altruism has been shown to have an ongoing effect not just for you and the recipient of your act but for the wider community.
A 2020 study concluded that when someone sees another person doing an act of kindness, they are more likely to do so themselves. This effect is tripled over time!
When feeling hurt, do a small act of kindness for someone – smile, thank them, offer food or clothing, spend time with a friend, write a letter of thanks, hug someone you love, or hold a door open for someone.
If none of these suggestions rock your boat, simply remain silent and say nothing when it feels like someone is hurting you. They might just be hurting you because you are hurting them.
We can change our unwanted behaviour; we just have to be aware of what that unwanted behaviour is and how it affects those around us.
Hurting people hurt people, it is not an excuse it is a reason. And that reason is yours to own.
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What Is Woke?
During a Q&A session in a recent workshop, a person mentioned their frustration at living in a 'woke' world.
The dictionary definition of woke is ‘To be aware of and actively attentive to important societal facts and issues.’ Yet it has become a dismissive comment, and on occasion, used as a derogatory term.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s it was rare to see someone with a disability at school. People were separated according to their specific needs which, whilst well-meaning, meant that people were segregated according to their disability rather than included for their ability.
We have come a long way since then. We now know that as a society if we can be more inclusive, everyone benefits.
An inclusive society strengthens social cohesion, broadens our scope of experiences, promotes a sense of acceptance and belonging, develops meaningful relationships, and encourages innovation and creativity.
Inclusion brings a diversity of beliefs, thoughts, vision, values and much more.
It is important to keep in mind that every person is different, and the greatest difference in every person is our unique experiences. If we segregate according to gender, race, disability, religion and so forth, the world would be divided.
A divided world causes loneliness, amplifies division and undermines trust. Each of us needs to feel valued to be at our very best as a contributing part of society. When we are separated into groups it causes division, it causes bias, it causes derision.
Some of us are unsettled when we see or hear things that don't conform to our own norms, but that is our problem to deal with not for others.
When we push back on the uncomfortable it says more about us than the target of our discomfort. The more we get comfortable with the uncomfortable - the more as a person and as a society we can learn and grow.
When you feel yourself getting uncomfortable in a situation stop and sit with that feeling.
Think for a moment, what is it that you are seeing or hearing that makes it so uncomfortable for you? Is it a genuine threat or is it just something new, different to what you are used to?
We are hardwired to avoid risk, and new things are viewed as a risk to our brain. We must teach our brain to think differently.
Being who we are as an individual, being our natural selves, and being part of society is important for every person. It is important for others to accept who we are so that we can learn and grow together.
‘You be you’ and be proud when doing so.
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I'm Tired!
I'm tired, I have had enough, I'm done. There is nothing left in the tank and each day is a struggle.
It is at this time of year when many people feel exhausted, with the end of the year being the most common time for people to suffer burnout.
It was burnout that started my decline into depression, a major contributor.
For me, it felt like a heavy weight pushing me down when I first woke up. No energy to get out of bed, and yet, I just had to.
There were people waiting for me, there were people needing me, there were people everywhere and I knew they were looking at me.
The self-talk starts – “You always had energy, you could always be relied upon, you were always there when I needed someone. And now where are you? Be a man, harden up, what is wrong with you?”
"I can do this, I can push myself to get out of bed, I can push myself to go back to work, I can push myself however far you need me to be," became my response.
What does burnout feel like? It is lonely, isolating, overwhelming, debilitating, and something you can't just snap out of. You can push as hard as you want but you can never get that energy back.
But still, you have to keep going, that is until something breaks - and you feel powerless.
The biggest contributor to workplace burnout is a feeling of loss of control over your workload which causes chronic stress.
I was told I was unable to take leave due to ‘operational requirements’ -and this continued until I had accrued seven months of annual leave.
The stream of files that needed to be investigated as each one had a victim or victims who rightfully needed an outcome.
The mandated training, the files for court, the covert operations, the special events, the media interviews, the….. and so it goes.
How will you know if you are suffering from burnout? Trust me, you will know.
Common signs of burnout include feelings of no control, difficulty getting out of bed, feeling disengaged and cynical at work, a lack of satisfaction with your job, being less productive, difficulty concentrating for long periods and no energy whatsoever.
Many of us are currently feeling tired which is usual for this time of year.
If you have the opportunity, take a few days off work, do so and see how you feel. Just taking a complete break over the weekend as much as you can, may be helpful.
If resting helps and you are feeling in control, then you might just be fatigued. If you have any of the above signs and are unable to sleep, please speak with a specialist - a GP is a good place to start.
It may seem selfish of you to rest, that's how it felt for me. It is not selfish; rest is a necessary part of revitalisation. We are not robots.
As for work, if you are unable to negotiate your workload with your boss, leave a copy of this post on their desk. I am happy to take their phone call or email.
Let's talk!
Rfelctions of a Former Police Officer.
Reflecting on my years as a Police Officer, here are ten things that I learned;
1. Life can change in an instant - both for good and for bad.
2. The decisions you make as a cop can change lives - both for better and for worse.
3. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people - ultimately bad people have more bad things happen to them than good things because of how they behave.
4. It is all about the numbers - not how many arrests you make or how many people driving drunk that you catch as many may believe. It's about how many lives you save or change for the better.
5. Cops have to live for the rest of their lives with decisions they have had to make in a split second.
6. Cops make mistakes and get it wrong - good cops admit it and work to make it right.
7. Those who work for the police do so because they genuinely want to help others, not because they want a better life for themselves.
8. Rarely do you see good things when policing, and because of that you become cynical which can make you seem hard and uncaring.
9. Police officers have emotions. They feel, they fear, and they cry - they just don’t show it on the outside.
10. Policing damages good people - when they leave the service, every police officer has issues that they must rationalise before moving forward. Some may never rationalise them.
Police officers are only human with human frailties. None set out to offend or to do harm, the opposite is always the case. And they do what they do for you.
Let's talk!
Step Outside Of Our Comfort Zone!
My name is Lance and this is my picture.
There are numerous quotes about the benefits of stepping outside of our comfort zone – It is not as scary as it looks, Growth happens in discomfort, Our comfort zone is in our danger zone, and so it goes.
People told me that taking on my fears would be exciting, that I would learn about myself, that I would grow. That never happened for me as a child!
Doing things outside of my comfort zone made me feel even more inferior to others than I already felt.
Recently, while attending a 6-day course for a Diploma in Positive Psychology and Wellbeing run by the wonderful Dr Denise Quinlan and Sue Langley of the Langley Group, we were asked to draw a picture.
Oh good, I thought, another opportunity to make a fool of myself!
We had just been talking about emotions and how they affect every part of our lives.
Through the work that we do in WARN International, I have learned that if we focus on what we love when stepping into the unknown, it gives us something to hold on to, and helps us reduce our fear.
Another of the many mantras we prescribe to - When times get tough, hold on to what you love. In those tough times go with your heart and not your head because your heart will always know best.
This concept comes from my time as a crisis negotiator. When someone is struggling, we talk to them about what has kept them going to lift their mood. This hook is something that they love dearly.
I chose to draw a heart on my blank canvas, well kind of a heart. Recalling the few times I've been challenged about the concept of the heart overruling the head, I painted a brain beneath the heart to imply our heart is always more important when we are in a dark place.
Within our hearts, there are always dark things, the black dot. Within our brains, there are always bright things, our memories. So, I connected the heart and brain in a circular motion to join the two as happens in our body, with the two connected to our gut.
If we can learn to go with our head for rational decisions, and to go with our heart when our head is overwhelmed with negative emotions then decisions will generally be the right ones.
The yellow in the picture shows that we have far more brightness in our lives than darkness, it is just that the darkness impacts us more deeply than the brightness. The flecks of yellow in the black indicate that there will always be a little brightness within those dark places if we know how to find it.
To take on tough times we must learn to step outside of our comfort zone, to become uncomfortable as we find our way back to true comfort, being connected with our world.
If you think back to the challenges that you have faced and how difficult it seemed at the time, and then compare them to where you are now, the chances are you will see how important it is to always hold onto your heart in those times.
What got you through those tough times? I suggest it was something that you loved dearly.
Let's talk!