I'm not the master of receiving negative feedback but I have learned to deal with it in a different way to what I once did.
Receiving negative feedback can eat away at us, make us feel hurt, and ultimately is not good for our wellbeing.
Previously, I would get angry and respond immediately. Doing anything in the heat of the moment seldom works out well. When we react from the wrong place the wrong thing occurs, further hurt.
I would spend hours if not days going over what the person said and how next time I would come back with a reply to shut them down.
As time moved on and I learned more about myself I realised that I was the one being hurt the most when I reacted immediately.
My reaction to the initial negative feedback and then the reaction to my negative reaction – a double whammy.
These days, knowing a lot more about how we can manage negative thoughts, I deal with it differently.
I now allow negative feedback to sit with me for a day, knowing it may occasionally linger in my thoughts or disrupt my sleep. I accept this as part of how the brain processes negative experiences.
The next day, I revisit the feedback with a clearer mind. Was it really as bad as it seemed the first time? Probably not. Then, I search for something positive — there's always something, even if it's just acknowledging that sometimes the issue lies within them, not me personally.
One piece of negative feedback I received following an online workshop hurt deeply – “As for those weird facial expressions, the presenter needs to take his job seriously”. How could I possibly find something constructive in such a personal and hurtful remark?
The following day I sent a message to the organiser asking if they would like me to change the presentation based on that piece of feedback, we were in our fourth year of working with them. The reply was not to change anything.
Their reply showed that they don't look at the feedback before sending it through. I then replied – “I hope that you are offering this person some support ” – understanding that hurting people inadvertently hurt people!
I now embrace my unique facial expressions as a positive, using them in our workshops to highlight the importance of being authentic—genuine and true to ourselves, as long as we’re not harming others in the process.
However, authenticity shouldn't come from a place that causes hurt. That's our responsibility. It requires self-awareness, self-control, and the ability to adjust our actions when necessary.
Hurting people might inadvertently hurt people however that is not an excuse for poor behaviour. It is just a reason, and not justification.
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Fix Me Quickly!
In today’s busy world we want everything to happen now. Unfortunately when it comes to our wellbeing, it takes time.
So, is there a fast way that I can change my emotional state when I am continually feeling down and having negative thoughts? You bet!
It can take up to 80 days to change a habit, this exercise will take just 20 days to change your negative mood into a happier one.
Now for the small print - if you are really struggling you need to seek professional help.
The 20-20-20 method is a proven technique that works the quickest of all resiliency techniques. Unfortunately, there is a bit of work involved but when you aren't feeling the best I am sure that you will find the time.
💛 Exercise - 20 minutes of exercise every day. A medium to fast-paced continuous walk is enough to get your blood circulating through your plumbing and filters a few times. The heart rate must rise to get the blood pumping. (Physical component)
💛 Look Forward - 20 minutes of thinking about happy events that are coming up in your life or of thinking about your 'happy place'. This need not be continuous. Some people place stickers around their house and every time they look at one they stop for a few minutes and think about happy things. (Psychological component)
💛 Laughter or Smiling - 20 minutes of laughing or smiling creates endorphins. Endorphins affect our brain positively. (Physical and psychological component)
As our brains and bodies are inextricably linked, by combining physical and psychological elements in this exercise you will get a faster result.
That's it, simple. Within 20 days of sticking to this regime you will soon see your mood lift.
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Managing Triggers!
If I were to mention - heart attack, cancer, restructure, divorce, or mental health – one or more of those words would likely take you back to a memory, and your mood would change.
Our brain is wired to retain negative events across our lifetime to keep us alert should the same situation occur again. These are referred to as triggers.
You read a word, the amygdala tagged it with an emotion, and then you went to the hippocampus where memories are stored to think of the person or people associated with that word - meaning you did not connect with the prefrontal cortex where logic sits.
If you did connect with the PFC you would have thought – It's just a word I'm reading so there is no real danger – however, cortisol from the adrenal glands was released to bring full attention because of the reminder of that risk.
Should you ever be in a situation where you get triggered you have two options to reduce the effect. The first is to take a big deep breath and sigh, do it now and as soon as you sigh out try and think of something. Apart from food, it is usually difficult to think of anything.
When we are triggered we short breathe, our alveoli collapse, and we do not get sufficient oxygen into our brain for it to work correctly. When we sigh all the alveoli collapse then fully reinflate to purge the brain of cortisol.
When in front of a person, sighing is not an option - it's likely to have the opposite effect of what you want!
The second option is to breathe out fully as slowly as you can. Try it now, breathe out very slowly. Do you feel calmer?
When we breathe in our heart rate increases, when we breathe out our heart rate decreases.
The faster we breathe, the faster our heart beats, the faster our brain thinks. Breathing out first then breathing in and out slowly will control our rate of thoughts and reduce our negative reactions.
It does take time to practice this because we are working against the hardwiring in our brain, the stem – our natural fight or flight response.
It's taken me some practice, and that practice is ongoing. The more I practice, the better I become - just like anything else.
During a recent presentation with a district council on de-escalation and personal safety, someone said to me – “Why should I listen to an old white man!”
I had a lot of answers racing through my head of what I could say. Previously I would get into a long discussion about the type of work I do, and how it is based on current research on what neuroscience provides.
This time I looked away, breathed out slowly, and said – “You don't have to listen to me.” It was the best I could come up with at the time as it was such a surprise.
The person who made the comment then rejoined the conversation and it was one of the best workshops I have run despite being triggered earlier.
Breathing is the only thing we can do to reduce our thoughts in the immediate situation. Thinking comes after exhaling.
If I can do it, you can too. Just breathe out!
Do I Need A Specialist?
Regularly our posts mention techniques on how we can help ourselves. Helping ourselves empowers us, gives us a sense of control, and keeps us engaged in the process of overcoming our challenges.
There are numerous online tests to see if you have certain traits or conditions. I mentioned in a recent post about my undertaking an online ADHD test through the ADHD New Zealand website to see if I had ADHD for my last book on managing anxiety.
ADHD New Zealand is a verified website with validated information that is unlikely to publish inaccurate content. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean the test is an accurate measure, nor should I not seek expert assistance.
I choose not to have a formal diagnosis because I have lived my entire life knowing that I was different and I'm okay with it. I've learned to manage my traits.
What it did for me was give me a sense of certainty that I was not dumb, stupid, lacked focus, or many of the other suggestions made by people about me as I grew up.
It also provided me with something to focus on if I wanted to improve myself. It did not give me the right to suggest that online tests are accurate, online tests are nothing more than a guide.
All of us have some traits of many kinds and it is important to understand what these are so that we can be at our best.
A former colleague and now friend reminded me of the need to include a caveat when talking about diagnoses. I thanked him sincerely for the reminder and appreciated him reaching out. Good friends always have your back!
We all need to talk to a specialist when we suspect we might have any health issue. As I heard recently – specialists know a lot about a little which is preferable to knowing a little about a lot.
In the same way that writing down what happened to us when we have a setback can be beneficial, it will never replace speaking with a person. Well, not currently anyway!
Online tests are only meant as a guide and if you find comfort in them and are happy with the outcome then that is your choice. However, we must always seek expert help from a qualified professional who has the academic and experience to provide a formal diagnosis and support for your unique needs.
I came across a great description of our brain as described by ‘AI’:
"Remember, brains are like snowflakes—no two are exactly alike. 🧊These conditions often coexist, intertwine, and create a symphony of quirks and strengths. If you suspect any of these are doing the cha-cha in your mind, consider chatting with a friendly professional. They’ll help you sort out the dance steps! 💃🕺
And hey, if your brain ever feels like a crowded party, just remember: You’re not alone on the dance floor. We’re all figuring out our moves together! 🎶✨
Now, tell me—have you ever tried to organise your sock drawer while simultaneously composing a mental grocery list? Or perhaps you’ve perfected the art of daydreaming during important meetings? Let’s swap stories!😄"
Let’s talk!
Challenge Your Challenges!
I can't remember my first keynote presentation, it was all a blur. I paced the stage going through a presentation by simply following the slides. Apparently, it went okay - but I could not tell.
I got off stage thinking “How do people do this for a living?” And then the rush of adrenaline wore off, replaced by dopamine and endorphins which left me feeling elated.
Having always challenged myself to overcome my fears I saw it now as a challenge to continue keynote speaking alongside the workshops we were running for businesses.
We know now it is important to overcome our fears, or at least do our best to.
I had a fear of heights which, ironically, led me to take up skydiving. While it didn’t cure my fear, it was an extreme experience that taught me a lot about myself.
Perhaps it was the near-death experience of hurtling towards earth when all you can think about is pulling the ripcord that brings clarity to every sense.
As a crisis negotiator, undertaking suicide interventions was another fear I had to overcome. How will I start the conversation, how will I keep the conversation going, what if I say the wrong thing, what if they jump!
Fortunately, no one ever jumped, and I again learned a lot about myself and about others and how to hold a conversation no matter how intense it might be.
Keynote speaking hasn’t come naturally to me. Even after 11 years of speaking, I still get butterflies before every keynote. So why do I keep doing it?
Why do I keep putting myself up on stage under pressure, why don't I just focus on presenting our workshops in a controlled environment?
It is the challenge to overcome my fears that motivates me.
My largest audience to date for a keynote was over 2000 people where I was the opening address at a conference. I was told I was the opener just before going onstage. Awesome, that little rush of fear produced an amazing presentation.
These days I am often asked to open or close a conference which is truly an honour. I also love the most difficult time for keynotes, the first speaker after lunch! I refer to that slot as the graveyard shift, as most people are recovering from lunch.
There was a time early on when I decided to stop being a keynote presenter. I viewed the nerves as stress rather than what I should have viewed it as – being at my best to overcome the challenge.
As soon as I saw it differently it became easier. Excitement and anxiety are processed in the same part of the brain and share the same physical symptoms. Perhaps I was simply seeing it wrong.
Whilst I still get nervous before every keynote - it is those nerves that keep me focused, at my best and provide me with humility.
Stepping out of our comfort zone to overcome our fears is a powerful experience, seeing it differently can be even more powerful.
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