I want you to be completely honest with yourself - have you ever had an extreme thought pop into your head and wondered where it came from or why you had that thought?
Have you ever stood on the edge of a tall building, bridge, or cliff and thought - I wonder what it would be like to step off, or, perhaps you feel drawn to just falling? When this happens, you jump back with a fright and can't trust yourself to go near the edge again.
Perhaps your thought might be more extreme - I wonder what it would be like to watch someone die or to kill someone?
Just a fleeting thought that comes and goes in an instant so you try to bury (excuse the pun) that thought deeply for fear you might be going crazy. There are other similar thoughts about; religion and wanting to shout out something inappropriate during a church service, opening the door of an aircraft, harming people close to you, hurting animals, and even about your own death.
These are termed 'intrusive thoughts', and they are normal, truly they are. You are not going crazy.
The majority of us have had or will have these thoughts at some point in our lives. As we sit here in the office eating our lunch and discussing this topic, we discover that two out of three of us have had them.
Where do these thoughts come from? For some, it might be genetics, biological, environmental, or a combination of these and many other things. Like everything with the brain, there is no single nor clear answer for each of us.
The best I can come up with, and this is just my opinion, the intrusive thought is a survival mechanism designed to remind us of what is right and what is wrong. Intrusive thoughts can remind us that we are in control of our thoughts, otherwise, we would have acted on them.
So, what should you do about it if you have an intrusive thought?
Acknowledge it, and recognise it for what it is - and then let go of it and know that you are "normal", whatever that means. If you don't do this, that continued thought might eventually take you down. Know this; the more you think about something, the more we might start to believe that thought.
However, if the unwanted thoughts are starting to disrupt your daily life, particularly if they’re impairing your ability to work or to do things you enjoy - perhaps it is time to seek out professional support.
Let's talk!
Should We Sweat The Small Stuff?
With smaller annoyances, we tend to try and dismiss the event as insignificant, trivial, and easily moved on from. We often try to ignore the event or think that we did so, yet later that day/evening the annoyance returns to our thoughts. We also don’t tell anyone about what happened for fear that it won’t mean anything to that person or that they may ridicule us for getting hung-up on such a little thing.
When we hold onto any negative event in our head, the thoughts of it become exaggerated due to something termed as catastrophizing. It’s our brain's way of expanding the danger to bring clarity so that we can fix the issue. Unfortunately, when we catastrophize, we create a reality that doesn't exist.
👉 If the annoyance has been and gone, we are left with only two options; try and dismiss it or talk to someone about the annoyance to bring balance to our thoughts. We know that trying to dismiss something that is playing on our mind generally doesn't work so we are left with talking to someone about it. The problem with doing so is that the person we are telling might say ‘You need to put a bridge over it’, or ‘Just move on’.
👉 There is a third option that you may wish to try - “Run to the fire” - is a mantra I coach. Bring the annoyance to the fore as it occurs. Research suggests that for the majority of us, we should deal
with little annoyances at the time.
The old adage of ‘not sweating the small stuff’ has now been largely dismissed, particularly so if the ‘small stuff’ is playing on our mind.
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Always Reach Out!
In support of World Suicide Prevention Day, the 10th of September.
Taking one's life is definitely not cowardice. More often than not the person is tired.
Tired of struggling with what to them seems like a life filled with negative events, their rational brain hasn't fully developed yet so they are unable to rationalise their negative thoughts when a series of 'life' events hit them. They get tired of fighting, so flight takes over from fight.
In every single case that I have ever been involved in, talked with, read about, watched, investigated, or examined - at the time of suicide the person is never themselves. At the point of suicide, the person changes, their thoughts are no longer theirs and there is no longer any control. What are the common signs that someone might be struggling;
🕯️ They get busy - can't sit still for any length of time, have lots of tasks on the go, stay up late to keep their mind occupied, and are high achievers because they are always busy.
🕯️ They isolate themselves - won't go out to socialise, won't talk with others about their negative thoughts, and push away those who are close to them. Importantly for me, they won't look at you when you talk with them.
🕯️ They become tired - only sleeping intermittently, they become lethargic, don't want to exercise, become messy, and don't care about their hygiene.
🕯️ They self-medicate - there is an increase in drugs and/or alcohol (they will always gulp when drinking alcohol), an increase in destructive behaviour; gambling, smoking, and self-harm.
🕯️ They start to look pale - when things are getting on top of them, the blood flows from the outer extremities towards the major organs to keep the person alive, the body is going into self-preservation mode.
If you are reading this and you are struggling, reach out. 1737 is the organisation in New Zealand that I endorse. There are great organisations in every country who are there to help, use them. Don't listen to your thoughts, listen to those around you, because your thoughts are no longer yours.
You have been strong enough to keep fighting by yourself and you don't need to do it alone. Show your true strength and reach out.
We’ve got this, together!
Or learn more in our online courses:
The Brain: Emotions and Breathing
Dealing with Emotional People
Managing Emotional Incidents.
Three months ago, I fell awkwardly and badly damaged my shoulder. Following the accident, I found myself replaying the fall in my head, sometimes in the form of dreams that would wake me in the night. Questions began to circulate - why did it happen, what a stupid thing to do, it is all your fault – I am sure you know how it goes.
When something negative happens to us, the brain goes through a process of replaying the event so that we will learn from what occurred. It is designed to help us avoid a future incident or to know what to do should the same incident occur again. This process Is extremely uncomfortable and if left unchecked can lead to Acute Stress Diagnosis (I dislike the word ‘disorder’ so have changed it to diagnosis) and at the extreme end, post-traumatic stress.
I had surgery three days ago to repair two muscles, one fully torn from the bone and the other partially. The pain is managed by a nerve block pump and oral medication. Repairing the physical injury is going to be a long one and require numerous physio sessions over the next 18 months.
Physio is a necessary part of healing the body. It can be painful, intense, emotional, and exhausting.
During our Coping Skills workshops I ask the audience who in the room has ever had physio? Over 90% acknowledge that at some time in their life they have required physio. I then state, “So you've all had therapy then?” The full term for the treatment is physiotherapy!
Why is it then that we struggle to tell others that we require mind (brain) therapy despite both treatments being similar. A physiotherapist will identify the cause of the injury by getting us to talk about what occurred and will generally push hardest on the part that hurts the most to release the blockage to get the blood flowing and reduce the pain. In a similar way, so does a psychotherapist or psychologist, they push hardest on the emotion that is the most painful to release the built-up energy thus reducing the pain.
As we have discussed in previous posts, emotions will come out, they must. They have to come out otherwise they will fester and grow and make it more difficult to repair the memory (injury) in the same way that it's important that we get physio sooner rather than later.
The main difference between the two therapies is that repairing emotional pain requires more effort from the client rather than the specialist doing all of the work. It can be very difficult to go back and relive an incident because the accompanying emotion will be refreshed and become real. However, it is a very necessary part of the healing process.
How am I dealing with the fluctuating emotions accompanying the flashbacks of the incident, by openly talking about them. Telling my confidante what happened, how scared I was when it happened, and how I'm feeling as I go through the repair process of body and mind.
I am learning to show no bravery, to not hide how I was feeling or what I was thinking during the fall to get the emotions out. It works, the flashbacks are reducing. Additionally, when we show our vulnerability to another, the person we are speaking with also finds it easier to open up about how they felt when they found out about the incident and how they feel as they see us go through the repair process. We share our emotions.
Talking about our emotions isn’t about moaning or complaining about what happened, it's acknowledging our true self and what we went through when the incident happened. Expressing an emotion significantly reduces it and if the person we are talking with acknowledges that expression it disarms the emotion so that is no longer as harmful as it might have been.
Talking about mind health should be no different to talking about body health for they are interconnected, both make us who we are, and I would suggest that the mind is more important. Visiting a counselor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist should be no different than visiting a GP or physiotherapist. They are necessary in our recovery.
Let's talk!
Resilience, Coping Skills, Adaptability.
There are many terms used to describe our ability to get through difficult times - resilience, grit, flexibility, perseverance, determination, adaptability - the list is considerable. Our preference at WARN is to use the word adaptability; providing coping skills to enable people to adapt to our busy world.
As research has shown, our resilience - the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties - is founded early in life, generally within the first 1000 days. Nevertheless, we can all tap into our resilience reservoir by changing certain thoughts and behaviours.
It is absolutely necessary to have stressors in our lives, it helps us to build the range of tools that we are required when adversity hits. The greatest tool we can have is the ability to manage our emotions. It's always about managing our emotions! There's only one way to learn how to manage emotions, go through something and learn from experience, termed experiential learning. 'Doing' manages our thinking which manages or emotional reaction.
The unfortunate thing about emotions is that they do not fully develop until our mid-twenties, some even say as late as our thirties. Moreover, if we experience too many emotional experiences at an early age it can have a long-lasting impact on our ability to cope later in life.
What does not kill us doesn't necessarily make us stronger, not if we aren't equipped or haven't used the tools necessary to process our emotions as we go through the challenge. And we know that the impact left in our memory is difficult to forget for it will now be a reference marker on our timeline for any future similar event.
To support this latter point, during a recent presentation I gave to a cancer support network, a person burst into tears when he described how hard it was to go through his new treatment following a second diagnosis of cancer. His emotional response was heightened further by having already been through the experience before. He was therefore more fragile this time because his earlier experience.
A helpful way to learn how to cope with 'life' is to expose ourselves to situations that take us out of our comfort zone, to stretch us to do things that we never imagined we could, to possibly frighten us a little. Something to get us to feel our emotional response and learn how to process the feeling and reduce it.
The best time to start learning about managing our stress responses is as early as possible, beyond the first 1000 days when we have grown fully into our limbic system where our emotions are regulated.
There is a balance between empowering our young to prepare them for life's challenges and putting them under too much pressure. Maturity is an important aspect of managing emotions. As discussed, too much pressure at too early an age where the brain hasn't developed adequately may reduce their ability to cope.
Hopefully this is helpful for you as an adult if you believe you aren't as resilient as others appear to be. It's not necessarily our fault, it may have been something that occurred which was outside of our control.
If you want to add to your level of resilience, there are some things that you can do to strengthen your ability to cope and adapt therefor not need to be so resilient. We all know the benefits of having a support network, of believing in yourself, of being optimistic, of managing change. Yet, how do we do that. Experientially is the best way.
Those who follow us know that we are fans of practical techniques. Don't dream it, don't think it, do it! There's certainly nothing wrong with visualisation, but the bottom line is that you still must take action at some point. Try some of these tips to improve your ability to cope with 'life' when life happens to you:
Face your fears - how often have you said, "I could never do that". How would you know if you haven't tried? If you have tried and it didn't go as planned, give it another go and use what you learned from the first experience (experiment). It might be that you need to take small steps, that is certainly better than no steps at all.
Set goals and work to achieve each - goals need not be large nor long-term, we all need something to work towards otherwise we will feel lost. The brain sees the top of the mountain but seldom how to reach the top. A series of small goals is the way, layover points between each goal to rest, and the mountain is yours to conquer.
Start something new - what have you always wanted to try but have been dismissing as unachievable, or perhaps think "I'm too old now". Learning new skills keeps the brain interested, active, and alert. There are wonderful benefits in having a bucket list, remember to keep adding to it as you tick each one off.
Work on problem-solving skills - puzzles, online quizzes, a games night, wordle, whatever it takes to get you thinking. Get involved in community projects where you can utilise problem solving and have the additional benefits of widening your support network and supporting others - altruism.
Do one thing today that is different from yesterday - breaking patterns and habits can make us feel uncomfortable, embrace the change and the feeling that comes with it. Controlled disruption builds new neural pathways.
While doing any or all of the above, please remember to look after yourself . Stop any negative self-talk or self-doubt, prioritise what is important, keep moving forward, and always take a timeout when required. Believe in yourself.
We can become more adaptable, more able to cope with what life sends our way, we become more resilient. We all have the ability to change, this I promise you. For you are reading this post which means that you have got to this point. As someone sent to me last night 'You said to me that this feeling will pass, it did.'
Let's talk!