There are many terms used to describe our ability to get through difficult times - resilience, grit, flexibility, perseverance, determination, adaptability - the list is considerable. Our preference at WARN is to use the word adaptability; providing coping skills to enable people to adapt to our busy world.
As research has shown, our resilience - the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties - is founded early in life, generally within the first 1000 days. Nevertheless, we can all tap into our resilience reservoir by changing certain thoughts and behaviours.
It is absolutely necessary to have stressors in our lives, it helps us to build the range of tools that we are required when adversity hits. The greatest tool we can have is the ability to manage our emotions. It's always about managing our emotions! There's only one way to learn how to manage emotions, go through something and learn from experience, termed experiential learning. 'Doing' manages our thinking which manages or emotional reaction.
The unfortunate thing about emotions is that they do not fully develop until our mid-twenties, some even say as late as our thirties. Moreover, if we experience too many emotional experiences at an early age it can have a long-lasting impact on our ability to cope later in life.
What does not kill us doesn't necessarily make us stronger, not if we aren't equipped or haven't used the tools necessary to process our emotions as we go through the challenge. And we know that the impact left in our memory is difficult to forget for it will now be a reference marker on our timeline for any future similar event.
To support this latter point, during a recent presentation I gave to a cancer support network, a person burst into tears when he described how hard it was to go through his new treatment following a second diagnosis of cancer. His emotional response was heightened further by having already been through the experience before. He was therefore more fragile this time because his earlier experience.
A helpful way to learn how to cope with 'life' is to expose ourselves to situations that take us out of our comfort zone, to stretch us to do things that we never imagined we could, to possibly frighten us a little. Something to get us to feel our emotional response and learn how to process the feeling and reduce it.
The best time to start learning about managing our stress responses is as early as possible, beyond the first 1000 days when we have grown fully into our limbic system where our emotions are regulated.
There is a balance between empowering our young to prepare them for life's challenges and putting them under too much pressure. Maturity is an important aspect of managing emotions. As discussed, too much pressure at too early an age where the brain hasn't developed adequately may reduce their ability to cope.
Hopefully this is helpful for you as an adult if you believe you aren't as resilient as others appear to be. It's not necessarily our fault, it may have been something that occurred which was outside of our control.
If you want to add to your level of resilience, there are some things that you can do to strengthen your ability to cope and adapt therefor not need to be so resilient. We all know the benefits of having a support network, of believing in yourself, of being optimistic, of managing change. Yet, how do we do that. Experientially is the best way.
Those who follow us know that we are fans of practical techniques. Don't dream it, don't think it, do it! There's certainly nothing wrong with visualisation, but the bottom line is that you still must take action at some point. Try some of these tips to improve your ability to cope with 'life' when life happens to you:
Face your fears - how often have you said, "I could never do that". How would you know if you haven't tried? If you have tried and it didn't go as planned, give it another go and use what you learned from the first experience (experiment). It might be that you need to take small steps, that is certainly better than no steps at all.
Set goals and work to achieve each - goals need not be large nor long-term, we all need something to work towards otherwise we will feel lost. The brain sees the top of the mountain but seldom how to reach the top. A series of small goals is the way, layover points between each goal to rest, and the mountain is yours to conquer.
Start something new - what have you always wanted to try but have been dismissing as unachievable, or perhaps think "I'm too old now". Learning new skills keeps the brain interested, active, and alert. There are wonderful benefits in having a bucket list, remember to keep adding to it as you tick each one off.
Work on problem-solving skills - puzzles, online quizzes, a games night, wordle, whatever it takes to get you thinking. Get involved in community projects where you can utilise problem solving and have the additional benefits of widening your support network and supporting others - altruism.
Do one thing today that is different from yesterday - breaking patterns and habits can make us feel uncomfortable, embrace the change and the feeling that comes with it. Controlled disruption builds new neural pathways.
While doing any or all of the above, please remember to look after yourself . Stop any negative self-talk or self-doubt, prioritise what is important, keep moving forward, and always take a timeout when required. Believe in yourself.
We can become more adaptable, more able to cope with what life sends our way, we become more resilient. We all have the ability to change, this I promise you. For you are reading this post which means that you have got to this point. As someone sent to me last night 'You said to me that this feeling will pass, it did.'
Let's talk!