Fearless, Is There Truly Such A Thing?

According to most dictionary definitions, the word fearless means 'showing a lack of fear'. That for me is the key, 'showing' a lack of fear. The word itself when you break it down is fear less.

Fear is mostly learned, hence the reason each of fear different things, our levels of fear vary, and we react differently to our fears. An indicator that fear is learned, if a toddler is alone beside a swimming pool then what are the chances of the child going into the water? Very high. Similarly, if a toddler is near a fireplace or stove they must be watched carefully otherwise they will drawn to touch the heat.

Children, for the most part, are born fearless. How many times have you had to warn your child to take care as they approached a dangerous situation?

We are also born with is a desire to be inquisitive which is tempered by a natural desire to survive. If the toddler goes into the water they will naturally want to float, if they touch the heat they will run for help.

Therefore, if fear is learned then it can be unlearned. Or certainly minimised which is where treatments such as immersion therapy, desensitisation, and similar methods come into play. The length of the treatment directly correlates with the strength of the fear.

It takes courage to overcome fear because it is our strongest emotion, fear keeps us safe from harm. I have been fortunate enough to meet many heroes in my line of work. Not one of them did not feel fear when they completed their heroic action. However, what they all had was the ability to push through the fear and use the energy from the adrenaline that came with their fear.

Additionally, our brains are wired to run in neural pathways, patterns of behaviour, a known structure. When events occur that take us out of our comfort zone then fear is introduced to encourage us to get back to the known. We must resist that urge if we want to survive.

Fear is what holds us all back from advancing - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of harm, fear of what others might say, fear of being labelled, fear of.... Worry is nothing more than a fear of the future.

To adapt to our ever-changing world, it is imperative that we face our fears, that we embrace them, that we use fear for what it was designed to do, to manage our risk. For that is what fear truly is, a risk management tool designed to keep us safe from harm.

We will always have fear and we need fear to survive. Yet, you can indeed fear less. And, the more that you fear less, the greater the ability to become fearless.

Today, do that one thing that you feared. Whether it is reaching out to someone who you think might be struggling, whether it is seeking help for yourself, or perhaps it is just getting out of bed. You are a hero for you are still here.

Become a real-life hero and take on your fear, because we are all born to survive. Feel the fear, embrace it, and become fearless. The rewards are incredible.

Let's talk!

Reflection As A Crisis Negotiator On Managing Adversity.

Six years have flown by since resigning from the NZ Police and started my own business. I regularly get asked by attendees at our presentations and workshops, apart from the most common "Can you tell us a few war stories" - "What was it really like as a crisis negotiator?" I am always honest in my reply - "It is much easier than it seems when looking from the outside but the stakes are the highest possible."

It got me thinking, crisis negotiating is much like starting and running a business, and probably just like life itself;

  1. None of us truly know what is ahead of us - We can plan, we can strategise, we can think about exit points, but unexpected things always come along and throw us off course. Both good and bad events happen on our journeys therefore understanding that most things never go exactly as planned provides us with comfort. It happens to us all, not just me.

  2. The single best thing that we can do in life is to connect with others - There are three ways to get things out of our head when we have difficulty resolving our challenges - talk, write, and read - with talking being by far the best option. Why? Because each of us is restricted to what we have done in our own life and talking with others allows us to extend life experiences beyond our own and better resolve our problem.

  3. You are not alone - We often think that no one else has the same problem as us, that others won't understand what we are going through, that we are unique. You are indeed unique but you aren't the only one who has faced seemingly insurmountable challenges in life, all of us have. There is not one person on this planet who has not faced what seemed to them like a mountainous problem which they got through, and so can you too.

  4. We are restricted by ourselves - Richard Branson once famously said “If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!” Our brain is designed to keep us safe, to keep us within our neural pathways, to make us run in known patterns. Hence, we feel overwhelmed when uncertainty or adversity hits. That's normal, whatever normal is for you. Stepping outside of our comfort zone is how we get over life's challenges, running to the fire armed with the necessary tools to put out the flames. Learning how to do it later.

  5. You've got this - Each of us possess strengths that we do not know that we possess until we truly need them. All of us are better and stronger than we think we are. Often, we wait and struggle alone until we are at our lowest until we finally realise this. And, it is in our lowest point that we find how good and how strong that we actually are. It is in the depths of despair that we learn about our self. That is where the magic can happen if we are open to taking on our challenge and move forward. We don't however have to wait until that low point.

  6. Our mind is not set - It does take effort to make changes in our life but not as much effort as you think it might. All it takes is to change our mindset because our mind is not actually set. What a ridiculous term, mindset. It is simply that we to like to run in known patterns and we incorrectly think that things will get better if we stick to our known pattern. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is not insanity, it's how we are programmed, to keep us in the known where it is supposedly safe.

  7. Take care when making comparisons - We are a species who spend all of our day comparing the future with our past, this is an unconscious action designed to spot any changes that might bring about risk. If our unconscious mind thinks that we should know about the danger ahead then the comparison becomes a conscious one. And, unless we find a solution to the negative thought, we worry. Then we catastrophise - expand the negative aspect to make it easier to fix - then we think about other negative events - because our only reference is our past - then we find ourselves in the worry spiral. Bringing our unconscious to our conscious allows us to readily identify the problem and to rectify it. However, It is simply ourselves taking to ourselves about our self.

  8. Don't make excuses, make changes - When it is time to make changes, the excuses, or rather the reassurance, come to mind. "You've got through worse before", "Let's wait and see what happens", "It's never as bad as you think". We wait, ponder, ruminate, and regurgitate in the hope that things will resolve themselves. They probably won't. For they would have by now if they were ever going to! So, we make excuses. I can't because... and the list is endless. Don't make excuses, make changes. Do the opposite of your thoughts when they try to comfort and reassure you.

  9. We are same but different - As a human species we are very similar in the way that we function. However, it is the environment in which we grow up in, the experiences that we have had, and the people who we have interacted with that provides each of us with differing abilities. And, we are each limited in that regard when it comes to fixing our seemingly unique problems. If we haven't been through the same situation before then we have no reference on our timeline. By talking with others we are extending the experiences, the differences, the solutions. There is a reason that talk therapy has lived as long as breathing itself, because it works to sustain us.

  10. Now, is the right time to take action - Don't wait until a crisis negotiator answers your call for help, reach out now. Take on that challenge as soon as it arrives by talking, reading, then writing. Talk. Speak with others, not the ones who say "Stop worrying", "It's nothing to worry about", "Worry is simply a wasted energy", or the very worst thing they can say "What's the worst that can happen, it can't kill you?". Find someone else, someone who will sit, listen, and support. Read. Go to reputable sites and read about how others overcame their challenges. Write. Make a plan in writing with a pen on paper. It starts today, not tomorrow, for tomorrow is in the future and you are only ever in the present.

Let's talk!

Why Talking With Others Is Imperative.

There has been a lot of research undertaken as to why socialisation, including talking with other people, is so important for our wellbeing. The answers are many - it releases stress, builds relationships, provides support, helps us to grow, provides new pathways in our brain, brings a different perspective - and much more. The overall theme of the research is that talking with other people is very beneficial for us.

Each of us is unique because of what we have done in our lives, our knowledge and experiences, but this uniqueness can also limit our ability to help ourselves when problems are on our mind that we have trouble working through alone.

It is famously said that most often when we have something on our mind that we have difficulty resolving, "It's ourselves, talking to ourselves, about our self".

When we struggle with a negative thought that we cannot find an immediate solution to, we have to get it out of our head to avoid catastrophising and heading down the worry spiral. There are three ways in which to get something out of our head - read, write, and talk. Then, we must take some action to resolve the issue itself.

Reading does not get things out of our head; it simply extends our knowledge base which gives us an opportunity to find a solution. But this can be limiting if we read inappropriate or misleading information. Information to resolve our problem must be from a reputable source because the first piece of information that we read builds a neural pathway that is difficult to modify later.

Writing our thoughts down in a confidential journal or writing a letter and destroying it can be helpful in some situations, however the issue may return if we haven't processed it fully when writing it down. Writing tends to reduce the problem by getting it outside of our head but the problem may come back to our mind from time to time.

Talking is the best option to resolve those problems that we haven't been able to resolve ourselves. Talking with others extends the knowledge and experience needed to find the appropriate resolution strategy. Talking also helps to bring a new perspective to our issue, we can see things through a different lens.

I was once asked "Do we have to go through tough times to become a better person". My answer, "Yes, if it helps to improve ourselves in areas where we are most vulnerable." What I should have clarified further is that we shouldn't have to go through those times alone, we all need support in our tough times.

The person whom you speak with must be the right person. They must be non-judgmental, honest, and trustworthy. The last thing that we want when reaching out to another is for our confidant to make inappropriate comments, to be afraid to tell us what we need to hear, or for them to gossip with others. Moreover, it is extremely unhelpful if our confidant simply tells us "Not to worry!" Good luck with that one.

It is not the number of people that we have in our lives that matters most, it is the depth of those friendships that is of the greatest importance. Having one person whom we can trust to share our problems with is far better than having many people around us who we aren't genuinely connected with.

One person is all that we need to share with, or rather we might just want to share our issue the once. 'Shopping around' to find the answer you want to hear is not going to resolve your problem, nor is it helpful to share your problem more than once because you may be reinforcing the problem by building a neural pathway each time you talk about it.

Just the fact of talking with another will be enough to reduce the burden, a problem shared is often a problem reduced, rather than halved. If you feel comfortable, then ask a couple of people to be there when you talk about your problem. By doing so you are extending the knowledge and experience available to help therefore are more likely to find a relatable solution.

Once you have chatted and found a way through your problem then set about fixing it with a practical action. We can 'work at worrying or work on what is worrying us', our brain is going to work regardless of which one we choose to do. Working on our problem gives us something positive to focus on rather than the negative problem.

Sometimes we do have to take some time to process our problem before moving forward because pushing it aside means it will only return later. It might be best to feel the emotional reaction before setting about resolving it. Feeling the negative emotion will remind us about the problem and to avoid it again, plus we will remember that we can get through negative events in our lives if we have felt the emotion. Just don't dwell for too long on any negative emotion, less is best I believe.

So when is the right time to move on for you? Perhaps now is the right time to resolve your problem, before we enter the the Christmas holiday period. What better Christmas present could you receive than to deal with our problem, right now?

Let's talk!

Can I Control My Anger?

Be kind we are advised; people just need to be kind to each other. We most certainly should be kind to everyone, more so in these shifting times. However, how can we be kind when our evolutionary automatic default setting is anger (fight)? And, what about if we have always used anger to get our own way, or that anger is what our parents used against us to get us to do what they wanted from us therefore we learned from them, or perhaps our bucket of negative 'stuff'' is completely full and this latest event is the last straw, or perhaps if we are suddenly surprised or threatened, or....

The reasons for becoming angry are many and they vary according to each one of us. Hence, treating people the way that we would want to be treated is not helpful, our benchmark differs to that of others. Treat people with humanity might be the new measure.

Like most things in life, understanding where our behaviour emanates can be helpful. We each learn from many influencers - from genetics, from the very first thing we tried, from the very first thing that we are told, from those immediately around us, from reading books or watching movies - everything that we have done in our lives forms our behaviour. And for each of us, that is very different.

What makes angry behaviour such a challenge to change, apart from the fact it is closely linked to our strongest emotion of fear, is that we are creatures who like to operate in patterns. If a pattern worked when we first tried it and we continued to use it with success then it will be very difficult to change that pattern. We form a neural pathway.

The most obvious way to change our behaviour when we get angry is to practice, practice, and practice the new pattern. It is said that we have to do something 90 times before our pattern, or neural pathway, is modified.

There are however other ways. For me, I have always been an angry person. It may sound strange to those who know what I do for a job, coaching on de-escalation of tense situations, but honesty is important to me. At my age, changing my pattern is a real challenge, but I am working on it.

Be humble, count to 10, take a deep breathe, show the other cheek, rely on karma, walk away, and a myriad of other methods are things that we can try in order to reduce our anger. Admittedly, I am not as angry as I once was, but the anger often comes out when I am in a rush. Slowing down is another trait that I am working hard on!

Therefore, I am trying a new method to change my pattern of angry outbursts which is working incredibly well to modify my pattern, far greater than any other method I have tried. That method is to stop and thank one person a day who I might not otherwise thank.

It is much more than just being polite or automatically saying thank you, it is deliberately going out of my way to thank someone for doing something that they might not otherwise get thanked for.

While out for a jog last evening, I noticed a young lady about to sit down on a park bench beside an estuary, to have her break. She was wearing an oversized city council raincoat and had just finished cleaning the public toilets where I jog. As I ran past I realised that it was 5 pm on a Saturday when most people were relaxing. She was at work.

Returning to her, I thanked her for what she does. She looked a little surprised at this strange person all covered in sweat and asked "When was this?" "Now and every day you make this place clean for us" was my reply. With an embarrassed smile she said "Oh, thank you so much". "Meri Kirihimete" I replied and jogged off.

I have no idea what she thought nor whether it had an impact on her, her smile said everything. I just hope it made her know that what she was doing was making a difference. Making her feel good is what I wanted. Since then, I have not stopped thinking about how good it felt to make her feel good. There's something in this altruism thing, of that there is no doubt.

Being kind to another does take a little bit of effort when it is outside of our usual pattern and the more we practice it the easier it becomes to the point where it could eventually replace our anger. Eventually. And until it does, think of all the kindness that you have shared to that point.

It is said it takes nothing to be kind, well it does, it takes a little piece of our time. And haven't we all got just a little bit of time to say 'thank you' at the moment?

Let's talk!

Harden Up and Toughen Up Are Thankfully Gone.

"You need to harden up", "Tough people last, tough times don't", "Sometimes you just have to dig it in and things will get better", "What doesn't kill you makes you....". These sayings are no longer valid, more so for those under the age of 35. Our world has changed significantly in the last decade and we humans have also changed.

We have now returned to our past when as a species we survived by caring for each other to overcome our challenges.

The ongoing pandemic has shown us that those countries who looked after their people had fewer deaths than those who put their economy first, with a very few exceptions. Recent election results have also shown us this, those political parties with a caring approach have excelled, those with the old-style hardline approach have failed.

Why is that? Because what once worked for us, no longer does. Covid-19 helped to highlight this. Our frailties were exposed, we became fragile and vulnerable. Our planet was under threat and quickly began to recover when we changed our work practices due to the requirement to stay at home, our people are beginning to do the same and also recover. The way most of us are getting through the pandemic was by connecting with others, openly and honestly.

Those who completely shut themselves away during the pandemic are feeling more isolated, more fragile, and more vulnerable than those who cared for themselves AND cared for others.

Coaching, teaching, managing & leading people are other prime examples of the need for us to change our hardline approach. People in these roles who had a 'toughen up' approach have been moved on because of what is now termed bullying behaviour. Forcing someone to do something in today's world no longer gets the best out of people. Quite the opposite in most cases. Yelling at people or forcing them to do something against their will produces a negative effect by making them feel demeaned and inferior.

If 'hardening up' worked then why do we still need prisons? Numerous studies show that the majority of those in prison are there because of the way in which they were treated growing up as a child and treating them badly as an adult for punishment only adds to their ongoing behaviour. Tough love programmes are diminishing, conversion therapies are cruel and invalid, 'encouraging' children to be at the very top affects them negatively. The list goes on.

However, telling people to harden up, to toughen up, to work through the pain is not what it might have seemed on the face of it. What we were actually doing was encouraging them to dig deep inside of themselves and find their inner strength, to reach their true potential. "Search for the hero inside yourself" the lyrics from M People say. The writer was onto something.

The lyrics start - "Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes. A train arrives but never leaves, It's a shame, Oh life - like love that walks out of the door, Of being rich or being poor, Such a shame. But it's then, then that faith arrives, To make you feel at least alive. And that's why you should keep on aiming high, Just seek yourself and you will shine."

Allowing kids to 'climb a tree' to build their strength failed if we did not also teach them about the risks. We may have actually made them more frightened but they didn't want to let you down, to be seen as a failure in your eyes. If done appropriately, we were teaching them to step outside of their comfort zone, take a measured risk, to feel a little anxious, which will bring enlightenment through experience. To seek themselves and they will shine.

We were, in a sometimes crude way, teaching our children to reach their full potential.

Science does not have all of the answers and science changes over time. Psychology does not have all of the answers and psychology changes over time. So it goes then that people do not have all of the answers and people change over time. Imagine though if we brought them all together - neuroscience, positive psychology and emotional intelligence.

Knowledge and understanding now replaces ignorance and indifference.

So how do we ensure that our species survives, how do we get the best out of people, how do we encourage people to pick themselves up when they are struggling with their mind health? We can get people to connect with others so that we can encourage each other. And, more importantly, we can encourage people to connect with themselves.

We all have an inner strength, something that keeps us going when life gets on top of us. Encouraging those who are struggling to find their true inner strength, a strength that lies dormant in all of us, one that we can only find and know the real value of when we truly connect with it.

Fear is what keeps us safe and alive, and fear is for the most part, learned. Using our fear is the key to survival in today's everchanging and uncertain world. We don't need to 'harden up' or 'toughen up' to overcome fear, we need to embrace it. We learn to use fear by feeling it and working with it. Using the body's natural energy that fear brings - adrenaline and cortisol - to reach inside of ourselves and find our true self. Our real hero.

How do you encourage people to use their natural fear to do better, by showing them the value of their true inner strength, their true self. Not by yelling at them or forcing them, but by sharing knowledge. Ignorance is not bliss, it is harmful and hurtful. Knowledge of the mind, knowledge of the positive aspects of psychology, and knowledge of our emotions.

Forcing people to do something will only cause distress. You can tell someone who are behaving badly to leave, or you can ask them when is a good time for them to come back. Which do you think works best in today's world? If you are thinking the former, examine if it is truly working or is it because they fear, you.

The age of knowledge and understanding through connecting with others is upon us as it once was. Work with it, not against it if you want to survive.

Let's talk!

Our Valued Clients

To see a full list of our clients please click on the images above