Hang On, Help Is On Its Way.

This catchy tune from the Little River Band is one that I enjoyed listening to in the late 1970s, but I never took too much notice of the lyrics. Today, I believe the lyrics are more important than ever before, although I would change a couple of words. Let's look at the first few lines of that song.

"Why are you in so much hurry?" Is it not true that the dynamic world in which we now live has caused us to move much faster than previously. We seem to be in a continual race to try to get to the end, the end which is never there. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Life is a marathon, and while we do still have to run a marathon if we are to achieve our goals, we don't need to run as fast as we would if we were in a sprint.

"Is it really worth the worry?" Worry comes from fear and fear is what keeps us safe, but with our hurried behaviour our fears (worries) have increased significantly. Type 2 stress is detrimental to our wellbeing and is described as chronic worry, the definition of anxiety is worrying thoughts. We do need some worry to keep ourselves safe, however we do not need to worry as much as we once needed to.

"Look around, then slow down." Perfect. To bring ourselves back to the moment, every so often lift your head up, look around you, take a long deep breath, and off you go again. Small rechecks across our day will keep us in the moment, in life.

"What's it like inside the bubble?" Wow, how prophetic a line for this current Covid-filled world that we live in, we are all safe if we stay in our personal bubble. But that's not the bubble they sing about, the reference is about the bubble inside of our heads, our mind. How often do you stop to think about what you are thinking about? If we allow our thoughts to wander they will always end in a negative thought.

"Does your head ever give you trouble? Whose head isn't giving them trouble at the moment. Perhaps you are feeling a little shaky or wobbly, maybe feeling fragile or even vulnerable, a lack of certainty perhaps. Life is never a straight line, it is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Learning to adapt to these changes is how we can maintain our wellbeing.

"It's no sin, trade it in." We must get on top of our worries as soon as possible. It's not a sign of weakness to change our path, to not achieve, to apologise, to ask for help. Its certainly not a sin, it's a sign, a sign of true strength.

"Hang on, help is on its way" In the work that I do, this is one word of the song I would change, replace 'Hang' with 'Hold'. It might be a personal thing, but for me, telling someone who is suicidal to 'hang on' is not the right word. I recall at the end of a long suicide intervention I asked the person to "Jump down" off the ledge of the bridge to my side and they stopped and looked over the high side, my heart sank. They were making a small joke to lighten the moment, a joke I shall never forget.

"I'll be there as fast as I can" It is often difficult to get help, long-term. Despite the many wonderful agencies able to offer immediate support, getting longer term support can be a challenge. It's the long-term help that we all need after being in the mire and it is very important to know that people do care about you. They are most likely swamped. We are here, we want to help, and we will help. If we don't get back to you soon enough, try someone else. Someone is definitely here for you long-term.

"Hang on, a tiny voice did say" That voice inside of our head that keeps us inline, the internal narrative, designed to keep us safe. That voice that often seems so real, the one that comforted us as a child but has now turned on us. It seems so real, that voice, it sounds like it wants to help because it is no longer our voice. It's so strong now, so certain.

It's NOT real. It is nothing more than yourself, talking to yourself, about yourself. But, if it tells you to HOLD on, listen to it.

"From somewhere deep inside the inner man." And inner woman I might suggest, "inside the inner human" might be better. Deep inside of us is our true self, inside of our heart, the real you, the one who cares deeply about you. That's your true self. Listen to your heart and hold on to what you love so dearly. Keep returning to it when your mind wanders.

And so the song goes on. Then comes the real solution to our personal inner turmoil - "Don't you forget who'll take care of you, it don't matter what you do, form a duet, let him (them) sing melody, you'll provide the harmony."

It doesn't matter what you have done, we all make mistakes. Nor does it matter what you are worried about for we all have worries. The best way to deal with life's issues is to talk about them with others. It's not a shame to do so, it's not a sin, it's courageous to talk openly about whatever is troubling us. Each of us is limited to our own experiences therefore we may not find the solution to resolve our worries within our own library of reference material, we must externalise our worry to find an answer in an athenaeum.

Hold on, that tiny voice did say, somewhere deep inside is our true self. Things can change, they do change, they will change. Hold on, help is on its way, we just might have to look a bit harder to find help. Hold on, help is inside of us all. Our true self, our spiritual self, our inner strength. Our heart. The heart will always overcome the brain when the brain has gone astray.

When conducting a suicide intervention, we always ask the person what has kept them going, the hook we call it. The hook is always linked to the heart.

We are all better than we think we are and we are all stronger than we think we are. We, together, form an even stronger self. Hold on, reach out, we are here for you.

Let's talk!

I Just Want This Madness To End!

Don't most of us want this crazy world that we live in at the moment to stop, or at least to go back to the way it was. It might, one day, but no day soon. Accepting that this is our new normal is a suggested way of getting through the turbulent times that Covid-19 has thrust upon us. For me, that's not enough because it doesn't help me to help myself.

I too want this madness to end, but simply accepting that this is our new normal is impractical. The madness I want to help end is not just for me though, it's also for the way that some of us are reacting to others as we feel the effects of Covid impact on our lives. The vitriol, the scorn, the hurtful comments and negative suggestions, all of these things are hurting others.

Abuse, bullying, harassment, slander, angry or aggressive outbursts, and violence. All of these things have increased markedly in recent weeks. It is said that we hurt the ones that we love, and that is so often the case because they are close to us, physically and figuratively. But, hurting another to make us feel better won't help anyone.

It doesn't need an expert to find the common link, uncertainty. In uncertain times we do uncertain things. Our negative emotions are exacerbated as we look for certainty.

I will make a bold statement, and I do expect (hope) that others will disagree, 'ALL of us are in some way feeling hurt, fragile, or angry at the moment, more so than ever before'. Let me know if you aren't and I will ask you how that is, what are you doing that the rest of us should be doing.

Have you never recently had an outburst of frustration, written a negative comment on a post, or felt as though everything is working against you?

"Be nice" or "Be kind" are rightfully great comments to encourage us to behave positively but comments like this seldom work in times of uncertainty. I note that one business has changed their recent banner from "Stay Nice" to "Stay Safe", a much better mantra in my opinion. At least stay safe is something practical that we can all do.

Why is it a better mantra, because the emotions involved in staying safe are positive ones and are about ourselves.

We are driven by emotions; they let us know how to feel, they keep us safe, they let us know that we are alive. And, if they are positively focusing on us and not others, we will likely follow them.

Emotions are heightened in times of uncertainty because we are on high alert to risk, we are often outside of our comfort zone, we are looking for things that could go wrong, we are looking for what has changed, comparing the way it was with the way it is now. We want to get back on that known and comforting neural pathway, however that pathway is no longer there.

Here's an alternative to the usual tips I provide of - breathing (sigh or 6-second repeating), socialising (talking and connecting), exercising (walking or playing), and sleeping. Ride the waves, again literally and figuratively.

We all go through highs and lows - not just across our lives but also across our days - no one is in a constant Alpha state. For every low there is a high, the lower the low the higher the high, or so it is said. I was once a big believer in pushing hard when feeling low to get back to the high to remain in the positive zone, now I think I might have got that slightly wrong.

Lately, we have all been on a massive roller-coaster of ups and downs, so much so that I wondered if I should even get out of bed on some days. On those days of not feeling like facing the world, I don't bother, not immediately at least. I lay there and think.

I think about how the world has changed, I think about how hard things seem, I think about the vitriol I received the night before on social media, I think about how I made many mistakes in my life, I think about... I languish in the depths for a bit. Then, without prompting, a positive thought will enter my head - what about that email you have to send, that pet you have to feed, that call you have to make, that meeting you have to attend.... - and that's enough to get me out of bed. Next I thing, I'm off again on a high with more energy than before.

That's the key isn't it? To rest when you need to, to be in a slump if you need to, to feel down if that is the emotion you are feeling at the moment. And, when the time is right, - get up, dress up, front up - and get into life once again. It's not okay to not be okay, yet, it is okay to rest to become okay.

Perhaps we could do well to espouse "Be nice to yourself" or "Be kind to yourself" as a new mantra. Maybe then we might not make that nasty comment, may not lash out in a fit of frustration, and may not hurt the ones who we love the most.

Be nice, be kind, be gentle. Crazy times may not end, crazy behaviour will if we know why it is happening and what to do about it.

Let's talk!

Dealing With Adversity

Dealing With Adversity.

Having received many questions over the weekend about a programme that we ran last week on dealing with grief, it might be helpful for others if the information was shared to a wider audience.

Grief in particular can be very challenging to move on from, as can many other adverse challenges that we face. The closer the relationship to the person who passed, or the higher the emotion felt during the event that we faced, and the more that we continue to focus on that event, will always result in a downward spiral.

As we replay the event over and over in our mind - the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a relationship breakup, witnessing a horrific incident - the details can become distorted with this repeated replaying which in turn negatively affects our memory of it. If we don't do something about managing these distorted thoughts there is a high chance that we will find it terribly difficult to move forward.

It is said that we go through a recognised cycle when adversity hits, the grief cycle. This cycle is based on a model developed in 1969 by Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who worked for many years with terminally ill people. It remains largely valid today despite us knowing more about the brain than ever before. In fact, that same cycle is a useful model for dealing with all adverse events.

The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - can be felt in various forms, in various order, with no time attached to each stage. We are each the same, yet different.

For me, the cycle is not quite as descriptive as suggested. The is no clear delineation between the stages nor what happens in each stage. In fact, the entire process seems more like a washing machine cycle than a stage by stage recovery process. Here's what many find as they go through the process of dealing with adversity:

Disbelief - shock, horror, and numbness. Similar to denial is a complete disbelief of what occurred. We may have thoughts of; these things always happen to someone else but not me, it must wrong, I am going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay, it is just a bad dream.

Roller coaster - we may experience a complete range of emotions; sadness, anger, anxiety, despair, fear, guilt, regret, the list goes on. Many of us will find ourselves getting angry at the person for dying - how dare they do this to me - all of these emotions are usual (normal).

Negotiating - making promises, deals and pleas with; a higher power, other people, or yourself. "I promise if you get me through this I will or never will...." We look at ways to move forward but reluctant to do so as we don't ever want to forget what has occurred. We do try to bargain to move on, mostly with ourselves.

Exhaustion - in the following days, weeks, or months of heightened emotions we get tired, fragile, and vulnerable. Melancholia (deep sadness) from exhaustion sets in. This is the time to be gentle on ourselves because we are at our most sensitive. It's the time now to reflect on what occurred, the time to forgive us and others, the time to rest, the time to allow ourselves the pleasure of experiencing life again.

Recovery - When we have rested, when we feel the desire to make a change, and only when we are ready and not when others tell us to, it's time to move forward. Know that you will never ever forget what has happened, yet with time the vivid event will lessen its negative impact on our memory and we will remember how strong we are.

Overcoming significant adverse events takes time and the amount of time needed depends. It depends on the emotional connection, it depends on the amount of emotions involved in the event, it depends on how long we have relayed the event in our mind, and it depends also on our upbringing. The smoother our upbringing the greater the chance that we have of a faster recovery. Or so it is said. We are the same yet different.

Give yourself permission to grieve, permission to experience the full range of emotions, permission to negotiate as much as you need to, then give yourself permission to rest, to recover, and to move forward. We are harder on ourselves than others are. Most of us are far more likely to be sensitive and caring to others who have been through the washing machine cycle than we are to ourselves.

If it is grief that we are working through, think about what the person who passed would have wanted you to do. Chances are they would want you to remember them for only the good things, the happy times, and to move on with our lives. Few people would want us to languish in despair.

Let's talk!

Am I Okay, Things Seem Uncertain?

Have you noticed yourself feeling uneasy lately, maybe thinking (talking) to yourself more than usual, not recalling things with the same detail that you once did, perhaps unable to get to sleep as fast as usual, and even having the occasional outburst of anger or tears?

These are usual (normal) behaviours that we can expect over the next few months and beyond as we go through the roller coaster of emotions that uncertainty and adversity brings.

In New Zealand, we have gone through the first wave of a pandemic that had a lot of us wound up tighter than ever before as we tried to figure out what was happening. The apocalypse was upon us. Our mind worked overtime which left us tired, and when we fell asleep we had strange dreams as our mind continued to try and rationalise the irrational.

The pandemic also brought us closer together as those who were already struggling with negative thoughts before the pandemic were able to help those around them who found the level 4 lock-down unnerving. Many extroverts found it really challenging working from home, gym-goers had difficulty staying active, shoppers weren't able to go out and shop, and so it goes.

Some of us had great plans to read all of the books on our shelves, binge-watch our favourite series, or tackle that pesky task that we never had time to do before now. Did you do any of those things or did you find yourself making excuses that there was too many other more important things to do? If you did do those things, do you remember doing them or the content?

Now that we are through the 'full focus' mode of Level 4, our mind will want to rest and recover, as happens with any traumatic event. This period is often more challenging than the event itself as our mind begins to unwind and work through what just occurred.

Right now, some of us will be finding it truly difficult to settle into our new normal. We are already seeing a spike in people struggling with negative thinking, becoming even more vulnerable, more fragile.

The closeness we felt during the lockdown has become an even wider gap for those who were struggling prior to the lockdown. The level playing field of lockdown has gone and now even more of us are struggling.

How can you help yourself and those around you when establishing our new normal after any adversity. Simply, connecting with each other. Openly discussing with each other how we are feeling, what we are going through, our challenges, and how we are getting through each day. You may be surprised at how many of us are going through exactly the same as you.

Next, find your new normal by adhering as much as possible to your previous rituals, (routines) but, do one thing each day that challenges you. One thing that beaks the pattern, one thing that takes you out of your comfort zone, one thing that scares you just a little bit.

For some of us, that one thing is just getting through the day. And, that's okay.

We should never try to change too many things when we are down, that's the time to focus on just getting through the day. Changes in our life should be made when we are at our best, our strongest, when we usually enjoy the high before the next low comes.

Comfort yourself that this is our new normal, uncertainty. The sooner that we accept it and adapt to it, the easier it will become.

So what are you going to do today, other than talk with others, that takes you out of your comfort zone and that you can celebrate? Even if it is just getting through the day, that's worth celebrating. Then, look to tomorrow for the next exciting adventure. We've got this, together.

Let's talk!

The Real Life Heroes.

When we think of real life heroes, what immediately comes to mind - military, police, fire, ambulance - all of whom do amazing work. It might be - doctors, nurses, teachers, caregivers - again all doing incredible things. Then there are those who often go unnoticed - mothers, fathers, siblings - always there when you need them.

For me, real heroes are also those who struggle with getting through what a lot of us take for granted, daily life. Those who get out of bed each day despite the desire to hide under the blankets. Those who have a shower and put on clean clothes despite the fact that they aren't leaving their homes. Those who take their medication or undergo medical treatment despite the desire to cease.

It takes a lot of effort to keep moving forward when you can see no reason to. It takes even more effort to focus on routine daily tasks when you cannot see the need to. It takes amazing willpower to keep going when all you want to do is to stop.

To those in continual pain, to those in the depths of anxiety or depression, to those who have lost a loved one, to those who can't find a reason to keep going but still do, you are all genuine real life heroes.

Celebrate the fact that you got up, got showered, got dressed. Celebrate that got a can of food and ate it, that you walked to your letterbox, that you went to the shops, that you simply got moving.

We tend not to want to celebrate our small victories when we feel it isn't one. Most people do these things every day right? But, they are not where you are so don't compare yourself with them. You are you, not them.

It is a massive victory for you to do these small tasks, regardless of what others do. Celebrate your achievements no matter how small they might seem to others, it is you that matters. You are what counts. You are the hero.

Plus, you also have an obligation to keep going. That's right, an obligation. You are obliged to help others who might be n the same situation as you. Because you are going through a really tough time, you have an obligation not just to celebrate but also to share. To share your journey so that others can learn from you. You are now a teacher, a leader, someone to look up to.

Heroes became heroes not just for what they have done, they became real heroes because they were able to tell people about what they learned from their experience. They are heroes because they are there to support others who are in the same position as you. And together, you will learn, grow, and recover.

You are a real hero, you must know that. We are all stronger than we think we are, you have the strength like no other has. Go, right now, and celebrate your victory. Go, right now, and share your story. Become an even greater hero. A legend.

Let's talk!

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