Nighttime can be lonely for those who cannot sleep. Demons tend to come in the dark because of the quiet during the night.
When it seems that everyone else is fast asleep, we lie awake.
I have always been a worrier and never a warrior. I picked it up from my mother, she had a big heart and always worried about everything.
At the age of 16 I hardly slept, barely getting enough sleep to get by. Alcohol and substance abuse to try and get to sleep.
Medication is never the solution; it only adds to the unwanted cycle of worry and despair.
Fast forward 30 years and, once again, sleep evaded me as I dove into depression. Self-medication was the automatic default.
Lying awake at nighttime is desperately lonely, for you are the only one who is suffering. Yet, there are many others who struggle to sleep, you are not as alone as you think.
Fast forward to the present. Sleep still evades me on occasion, particularly when hit by a setback.
Having studied sleep and trialled many ways of getting to sleep, we have put together a document on how to get a better night's sleep. It is yours, available from our website for free!
For me, the number one way of dealing with a sleepless is to accept it, accept that I will have a sleepless night.
With acceptance brings an anchor. The night will be a rollercoaster of high anxiety and, on occasion, calmness. And that is where I find sanctuary.
Remember this, if you are struggling with sleep you will get through the night as it is just your thoughts keeping you awake. Thoughts cannot hurt us unless we allow them to, they are ours to control.
Become a warrior and work through your thoughts to reach the calm.
The sun will come up and you can now work on what's actually worrying you, not what you thought was worrying you.
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Why Do Bad Things Happen At Chrsitmas?
"Why do bad things always happen at Christmas?"
The simple answer is that most of the time, they they don't. It's just that Christmas, and other festive occasions such as birthdays, New Year, etc., act as a marker on which to place the tragedy.
When bad things happen, we they do we look as to why and for a cause we wish we had seen coming.
"If only," we tell ourselves.
Instead of looking for reasons, answers or blame - spend time reflecting on the good memories, or maybe the bad times if that is helpful for your situation.
Bad things happen. Acknowledge it, find out as much as you can about it, help yourself to come to terms with it, and then help others in whatever way you can.
By all means cry, shout, get angry, and express out loud how you feel. That is a good thing to do as suppressing emotions is detrimental to your well-being.
Take as long as you need, don't rush it, and you will know when it is time to move on. When it 'feels' right, start moving forward.
If you have trouble accepting the tragedy or moving forward, ask for help. There is no shame in seeking assistance, it is a sign of strength to do so.
Bad things happen, that is a part of life. Good things also happen which is also a part of life, a bigger part may I suggest. We just don't see the good things when we are sad and down.
Forget the bad things in the past, look to the good things in the future, but always be in the moment.
I wish you and your family the very best for the holiday season, Merry Christmas.
Hurting People, Hurt People!
When we are going through a bad patch, when we have been hit with one of life's challenges, we are in pain. Emotional pain!
As we struggle with the problem our brain runs on self-survival mode. We begin to overthink, we begin to catastrophise, and we begin to feel less of ourselves. And that hurts us.
Everything seems insurmountable with just the smallest additional problem adding fuel to the fire that rages inside of us.
Emotional pain can be triggered by sadness, anger, anxiety, shame and guilt. Emotional pain often results in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as increased alcohol or substance use, compulsive behaviour, change in diet and aggression or violence.
When in a bad place we may lash out at others, and often it is those closest to us that bear the brunt of our hurtful reaction.
Because we are hurting does not justify our hurting others, it is however a reason.
We are told that exercise, socialisation, sleep, reading, writing, and any number of other strategies help us to overcome emotional pain.
There is another way that has a deep more meaningful effect on you and on others. It is known as the kindness ripple effect from altruism.
Altruism is the selfless concern for the well-being of others without care of one's own interests. In other words, doing something positive for someone else without expecting a reward. However, we always do receive a reward.
Decades of research have shown that we benefit when we do something for someone else - oxytocin is produced as part of social bonding connecting us with others, it boosts our self-esteem and self-worth, it enhances our well-being, it facilitates post-traumatic growth and improves physical health by reducing stress and lowering blood pressure.
A study conducted in 2018 concluded that performing small acts of kindness for seven days increases happiness with a positive correlation between the number of kind acts and to increased happiness. Karl Jung knew this back in the 1800’s.
Yet it is wider than what he might have envisaged. Altruism has been shown to have an ongoing effect not just for you and the recipient of your act but for the wider community.
A 2020 study concluded that when someone sees another person doing an act of kindness, they are more likely to do so themselves. This effect is tripled over time!
When feeling hurt, do a small act of kindness for someone – smile, thank them, offer food or clothing, spend time with a friend, write a letter of thanks, hug someone you love, or hold a door open for someone.
If none of these suggestions rock your boat, simply remain silent and say nothing when it feels like someone is hurting you. They might just be hurting you because you are hurting them.
We can change our unwanted behaviour; we just have to be aware of what that unwanted behaviour is and how it affects those around us.
Hurting people hurt people, it is not an excuse it is a reason. And that reason is yours to own.
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What Is Woke?
During a Q&A session in a recent workshop, a person mentioned their frustration at living in a 'woke' world.
The dictionary definition of woke is ‘To be aware of and actively attentive to important societal facts and issues.’ Yet it has become a dismissive comment, and on occasion, used as a derogatory term.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s it was rare to see someone with a disability at school. People were separated according to their specific needs which, whilst well-meaning, meant that people were segregated according to their disability rather than included for their ability.
We have come a long way since then. We now know that as a society if we can be more inclusive, everyone benefits.
An inclusive society strengthens social cohesion, broadens our scope of experiences, promotes a sense of acceptance and belonging, develops meaningful relationships, and encourages innovation and creativity.
Inclusion brings a diversity of beliefs, thoughts, vision, values and much more.
It is important to keep in mind that every person is different, and the greatest difference in every person is our unique experiences. If we segregate according to gender, race, disability, religion and so forth, the world would be divided.
A divided world causes loneliness, amplifies division and undermines trust. Each of us needs to feel valued to be at our very best as a contributing part of society. When we are separated into groups it causes division, it causes bias, it causes derision.
Some of us are unsettled when we see or hear things that don't conform to our own norms, but that is our problem to deal with not for others.
When we push back on the uncomfortable it says more about us than the target of our discomfort. The more we get comfortable with the uncomfortable - the more as a person and as a society we can learn and grow.
When you feel yourself getting uncomfortable in a situation stop and sit with that feeling.
Think for a moment, what is it that you are seeing or hearing that makes it so uncomfortable for you? Is it a genuine threat or is it just something new, different to what you are used to?
We are hardwired to avoid risk, and new things are viewed as a risk to our brain. We must teach our brain to think differently.
Being who we are as an individual, being our natural selves, and being part of society is important for every person. It is important for others to accept who we are so that we can learn and grow together.
‘You be you’ and be proud when doing so.
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I'm Tired!
I'm tired, I have had enough, I'm done. There is nothing left in the tank and each day is a struggle.
It is at this time of year when many people feel exhausted, with the end of the year being the most common time for people to suffer burnout.
It was burnout that started my decline into depression, a major contributor.
For me, it felt like a heavy weight pushing me down when I first woke up. No energy to get out of bed, and yet, I just had to.
There were people waiting for me, there were people needing me, there were people everywhere and I knew they were looking at me.
The self-talk starts – “You always had energy, you could always be relied upon, you were always there when I needed someone. And now where are you? Be a man, harden up, what is wrong with you?”
"I can do this, I can push myself to get out of bed, I can push myself to go back to work, I can push myself however far you need me to be," became my response.
What does burnout feel like? It is lonely, isolating, overwhelming, debilitating, and something you can't just snap out of. You can push as hard as you want but you can never get that energy back.
But still, you have to keep going, that is until something breaks - and you feel powerless.
The biggest contributor to workplace burnout is a feeling of loss of control over your workload which causes chronic stress.
I was told I was unable to take leave due to ‘operational requirements’ -and this continued until I had accrued seven months of annual leave.
The stream of files that needed to be investigated as each one had a victim or victims who rightfully needed an outcome.
The mandated training, the files for court, the covert operations, the special events, the media interviews, the….. and so it goes.
How will you know if you are suffering from burnout? Trust me, you will know.
Common signs of burnout include feelings of no control, difficulty getting out of bed, feeling disengaged and cynical at work, a lack of satisfaction with your job, being less productive, difficulty concentrating for long periods and no energy whatsoever.
Many of us are currently feeling tired which is usual for this time of year.
If you have the opportunity, take a few days off work, do so and see how you feel. Just taking a complete break over the weekend as much as you can, may be helpful.
If resting helps and you are feeling in control, then you might just be fatigued. If you have any of the above signs and are unable to sleep, please speak with a specialist - a GP is a good place to start.
It may seem selfish of you to rest, that's how it felt for me. It is not selfish; rest is a necessary part of revitalisation. We are not robots.
As for work, if you are unable to negotiate your workload with your boss, leave a copy of this post on their desk. I am happy to take their phone call or email.
Let's talk!