As humans, we thrive on communication - we love to talk and we love to be heard. We can use silence to get more out of our conversations, say less to learn more.
How can we do this effectively?
👉 The effective pause - An effective pause is a brief moment of silence, strategically placed at the beginning or end of an important statement to emphasize what you're saying. It's like adding verbal bold or underlining to reinforce your message.
This short pause grabs the listener’s attention, making them focus intently on your next words. Just be careful not to pause too long, or the other person may interrupt with a question, and your key point could be lost.
Silence—complete stillness without speaking—is a longer pause.
👉 When someone is speaking rapidly, staying silent allows you to better identify their problem. Letting them continue without interruption helps them maintain their flow of thoughts. Interrupting mid-sentence is like stopping someone in the middle of a sprint; they’ll need to start again slowly, rebuilding momentum.
👉 Silence is also powerful when dealing with dishonesty. After a questionable statement, resist the urge to respond immediately. Your silence signals doubt, often prompting the other person to reveal more or reconsider their position.
If the person is lying and asks if you are listening, respond with “Yes, and I want to ensure I record what you have said accurately”. This is a way of signalling that you disbelieve their last sentence and recording it for future reference.
👉 A further use of silence is when someone is reluctant to talk.
Generally, the less that someone is talking the more we have to talk as this will encourage dialogue. If this doesn’t work however then resort to saying nothing and wait for a response. They will eventually ask if you are still there and you respond with “Yes, and I want to hear what you have to say”.
Let's talk!
Learning To Learn!
Having never been shown how to learn or study, I found school very difficult. I could have asked for help, but that did not come naturally to me.
We are all born with curiosity and if we feed our curiosity with information that we want to learn then learning becomes enjoyable and we learn more.
When I was shown how to learn, how to remember, and how to put words into a logical order - I was hooked on learning, studying, and writing.
In his book How the Brain Learns, David Sousa describes that we get excited when we learn if learning is fun - we enjoy it, we learn faster, we learn more, and our learning lasts much longer.
The alternative to enjoying what we learn is to have a motivator to work towards. My first diploma was in policing, and my motivation when studying was to qualify as a detective and for promotion.
The detective qualifying course is the most difficult academic course undertaken at the Police College. I did not think it was possible to cram so much information into my brain, yet it happened.
Next on my list was a diploma in business studies. When trawling through the many courses on offer at University I was drawn to study about learning, in particular adult learning.
It feels selfish looking back now as it was for me to understand how I learned. Little did I know that would be using this when I started my business to develop programmes for our clients. It was at that point that I became intrigued by the human brain!
Again, being selfish, I chose to undertake a master’s degree in Terrorism, Safety and Security. It was purely to gain promotion within the police and to be an asset. I chose radicalisation as my major, intrigued at how a human brain could be so modified is to want to kill others.
Once more I was able to use that academic achievement in my work today. Despite this qualification being the most challenging of all three I cannot recall a moment where I wished I'd never started.
All the topics within this qualification – how do people communicate in secret, can a radicalised individual make an atomic weapon, do CCTV and body cameras prevent crime – are just a few of the papers undertaken.
The study for this qualification was enthralling, it was like reading a novel, completely captivating. I couldn't tell you how long it took for me to complete each paper, time just flew by.
Interestingly, I can still remember minute detail in every one of the papers written for the masters. If you are considering doing any study, study topics that you become lost in.
Only after completing the qualification might you attempt to work out how you can use the qualification in your current work or business. It may not seem applicable currently, but life has a way of bringing things together at some point.
Now contemplating undertaking another diploma, three sounds like a good number, this one would be positive psychology and wellbeing.
Let's see if that works out and see where it might lead.
Quick Communication Tips
When you think about it, a lot of the stress that we face at work involves difficult communication in some form or another.
We aren’t so worried about how we do things because we all try to be the best we can be in our work. We tend to worry more about how we communicate what we are doing, and what others might think of us if we communicate it poorly.
Whether it is communicating with challenging customers, handling difficult colleagues, running meetings, or presenting to a large audience, these things all involve communicating.
To have good communication skills you not only need reasonable grammatical knowledge and confidence, but you you also need to control your emotions during these conversations.
To control your emotions you need to control your thoughts. That is what I learned to do effectively and efficiently as a crisis negotiator. To control my thoughts, which controlled my emotions, so that I could quickly and successfully engage with a person in crisis.
Here are a few quick communication tips that may work for you:
👉 Don't say the first thing that comes into your head when emotional because it will always be wrong.
👉 Take a long, slow, deep, quiet breath to control your adrenaline before meetings and during difficult encounters. Breathing out slowly will also reduce your heart rate.
👉 Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Slow things down so that you remain calm and in control.
👉 Address difficult messages early in conversations. Avoid using the 'praise sandwich' approach, as it can lead to confusion and dilute the impact of important feedback.
👉 Refrain from sending emails when you are emotional. Walk away, grab a glass of water or go for a walk and come back to it when you are feeling calm.
👉 Be quick to apologise if you made an error of judgment in something that you have said or sent.
Let's talk!
Should I Retire?
I often wonder why I keep going, when many people of my age have long since retired.
Am I doing someone out of a job?
What about the younger generation coming through who need a chance?
Why don't I just let someone else have go?
Perhaps more personal...
Am I too old?
Am I too tired?
Am I too slow?
Am I too...?
It would be easy to step back given the many challenges that running a business entails. So many reasons to stop - what if I don't meet the clients’ needs, what if I say the wrong thing, what if what I say is misinterpreted, what if people don't find what I say helpful, what if…
Why should I push myself into uncomfortable situations, is it causing harm by being nervous on a daily basis, is it not better to slip back into a comfortable role or to retire completely?
We can always find reasons to stop what we are doing, but that is the easy option. However, it is the very reasons that we find excuses to stop that actually keep us going.
If we do not stretch our self, certain parts of our brain shrink, the important areas that maintain our cognitive skills.
A study found that when people retired at the age of 66 instead of 65, their mortality rates dropped by 11%. Even when accounting for all of the variables possible, many other studies confirm the same.
Working into our later years has many benefits:
- It provides mental stimulation and problem-solving abilities
- Social engagement is associated with delaying chronic disease
- Physical activity leads to better health and sharper thinking
- Multi-generational teams are better than single-generation teams
So, let's look at my list of reasons to give up.
Am I doing someone out of a job? No.
Should the younger generation have an opportunity to do what I do?Absolutely, and there's nothing stopping them.
I can find new clients through numerous methods with word-of-mouth being the biggest opportunity, I am completing yet another diploma after recently published a third book, and I am highly motivated by the challenge that running a business provides.
Am I too old? That depends on the context, age brings more experiences.
Am I too tired? Sometimes, but that's only because I push myself to the maximum.
Am I too slow? Those who know me know the opposite is true.
Pushing ourselves outside of our perceived limit is where we get the best from ourselves. There is no growth in the comfortable, only stagnancy.
It is so easy to find an excuse not to stretch ourselves beyond our perceived limits. It is so easy to dismiss those things we find hard. It is so easy to put things off until tomorrow for we know that tomorrow never comes!
Find comfort in the uncomfortable, find joy in the nervousness, find solace in the fear. For it is these challenges that keep us going, that make us who we are, that bring out the best in us.
The only way to find that control is within us. We are all better and stronger than we think we are, we just don't know how much until we try.
Let's talk!
Say NO!
Thanks, but I'll have to pass on that.
I'm going to need to say no, but thanks!
I can't make it work this time, sorry.
Not today.
No.
I'm not up for that right now, but I appreciate the invite.
I'm going to have to sit this one out, but thanks for thinking of me
No, thank you.
I'd love to, but I'm swamped right now.
I've got a lot on my plate, so I'll have to decline.
Thanks for the offer, but I'm going to have to pass.
Often we don't want to disappoint, so we tend to say "yes' when asked to do something. Unfortunately, this desire to help, or rather not to disappoint, might be detrimental to our well-being - especially at a time of year when many of our plates (and calendars) are full.
Saying "yes" may be important to you, so keep doing so if you can continue without it impacting on you. Remember that you need downtime to do things to relax. Saying "no" can be difficult, especially if you have got into the habit of saying "yes".
Know that saying "no" can also be exhilarating, and your brain will eventually thank you for it.
Let's talk!