When asked to present to the Professional Speakers Association of New Zealand I initially thought it was a bad idea. I'm not trained, I don't follow a script, and I know I talk too fast.
Always up for a challenge though, what was the worst that could happen?
The theme of my talk was how to manage emotions when nervous, and how to drive new business if you are a speaker. Apart from covering how to remain calm in challenging situations, and how to deal with our new world and all of its challenges, I also spoke of how to manage worry.
When it came to professional speaking, here are the key messages I left the audience with:
ℹ️ You can either stun the audience by knowing a lot about one thing, or knowing a little about a lot - you must choose your expertise.
🤝 When negotiating with a client, avoid setting a rigid bottom line—it could cause you to miss valuable opportunities. For example, we started working with one organisation at their agreed fee - and they are now our most valuable client.
⚠️ Never go in too hard with anything - whether it is your fee, your presentation style, or simply wanting to impress.
👀 Never be too relaxed - often we think we've done a great job, and then we relax and say something stupid. Many of us of done this I am sure!
💥 What is your WOW factor - is it your point of difference, is it your expertise or experience? What is one thing they can use immediately, or what will make them want to see you again?
☝️ Contrary to popular belief it is not about the speaker, it is about the audience. Forget the flash introduction about yourself, they are not there to see you - they are there to listen to what you have to say!
🥸 Be yourself - if we practise too much or follow a recognised pattern that most speakers use it could become a robotic presentation.
🎭 Real people want to see real people, you need to be relatable - your message could get lost if you sound too polished. Being professional and having confidence is one thing, putting on a staged show (acting) is quite another.
The techniques above can also be applied in everyday life. Whether you're running a business, managing a team, or simply someone who wants to improve themselves; these strategies can be a helpful guide.
Life is full of challenges—some we anticipate, others take us by surprise. By practising how to handle the challenges we expect, we build the skills needed to tackle the ones we don’t see coming. Strengthening these abilities can make a significant difference when life throws the unexpected our way.
I am still receiving wonderful feedback from the presentation for the PSANZ.
If I can do it, so can you.
Let’s talk!
I Am Sick Of Being Happy!
I have had enough of being happy, I want to make myself sad for a change. Here's what I'm going to do:
🍺 Drink more alcohol - I know that this technique could initially make me happy, but I also know that alcohol is a depressant so if I drink too much I will be sad tomorrow. Work through the happy to become unhappy. Perfect.
🍭 Eat more sugar - Just like alcohol, I am going to feel good while I am eating lots of it, the bonus is that I will feel terrible when I crash.
🗣️ Hang around with negative people - The people who talk about others behind their back, who spread rumours, and those who haven't a good thing to say about anyone or anything.
😊 Avoid happy things and happy people - I don't want to fill my brain with happy things so it's best I avoid anyone happy. Who needs a balanced life anyway?
🌃 Stay up late - Sleep, it's overrated. Eight hours, rubbish. I will stay up late because that will make me less attentive and grumpy tomorrow. Excellent.
🌞 Avoid sunlight - Apparently, sunlight has a vitamin that makes me happy. Nope, absolutely not. Don’t even start on how sunlight helps us produce melatonin needed to get a good night’s sleep.
🏃♀️ Don’t exercise – I know how exercise always makes me feel happy, even a 30-minute walk makes me feel better. Avoid exercise at all costs will be my new mantra!
This negative stuff is easy, I will become unhappy in no time. Or I could do the opposite of what I have listed, and maybe keep myself happy forever?
Let's talk!
Receiving Feedback.
I'm not the master of receiving negative feedback but I have learned to deal with it in a different way to what I once did.
Receiving negative feedback can eat away at us, make us feel hurt, and ultimately is not good for our wellbeing.
Previously, I would get angry and respond immediately. Doing anything in the heat of the moment seldom works out well. When we react from the wrong place the wrong thing occurs, further hurt.
I would spend hours if not days going over what the person said and how next time I would come back with a reply to shut them down.
As time moved on and I learned more about myself I realised that I was the one being hurt the most when I reacted immediately.
My reaction to the initial negative feedback and then the reaction to my negative reaction – a double whammy.
These days, knowing a lot more about how we can manage negative thoughts, I deal with it differently.
I now allow negative feedback to sit with me for a day, knowing it may occasionally linger in my thoughts or disrupt my sleep. I accept this as part of how the brain processes negative experiences.
The next day, I revisit the feedback with a clearer mind. Was it really as bad as it seemed the first time? Probably not. Then, I search for something positive — there's always something, even if it's just acknowledging that sometimes the issue lies within them, not me personally.
One piece of negative feedback I received following an online workshop hurt deeply – “As for those weird facial expressions, the presenter needs to take his job seriously”. How could I possibly find something constructive in such a personal and hurtful remark?
The following day I sent a message to the organiser asking if they would like me to change the presentation based on that piece of feedback, we were in our fourth year of working with them. The reply was not to change anything.
Their reply showed that they don't look at the feedback before sending it through. I then replied – “I hope that you are offering this person some support ” – understanding that hurting people inadvertently hurt people!
I now embrace my unique facial expressions as a positive, using them in our workshops to highlight the importance of being authentic—genuine and true to ourselves, as long as we’re not harming others in the process.
However, authenticity shouldn't come from a place that causes hurt. That's our responsibility. It requires self-awareness, self-control, and the ability to adjust our actions when necessary.
Hurting people might inadvertently hurt people however that is not an excuse for poor behaviour. It is just a reason, and not justification.
Let's talk!
Fix Me Quickly!
In today’s busy world we want everything to happen now. Unfortunately when it comes to our wellbeing, it takes time.
So, is there a fast way that I can change my emotional state when I am continually feeling down and having negative thoughts? You bet!
It can take up to 80 days to change a habit, this exercise will take just 20 days to change your negative mood into a happier one.
Now for the small print - if you are really struggling you need to seek professional help.
The 20-20-20 method is a proven technique that works the quickest of all resiliency techniques. Unfortunately, there is a bit of work involved but when you aren't feeling the best I am sure that you will find the time.
💛 Exercise - 20 minutes of exercise every day. A medium to fast-paced continuous walk is enough to get your blood circulating through your plumbing and filters a few times. The heart rate must rise to get the blood pumping. (Physical component)
💛 Look Forward - 20 minutes of thinking about happy events that are coming up in your life or of thinking about your 'happy place'. This need not be continuous. Some people place stickers around their house and every time they look at one they stop for a few minutes and think about happy things. (Psychological component)
💛 Laughter or Smiling - 20 minutes of laughing or smiling creates endorphins. Endorphins affect our brain positively. (Physical and psychological component)
As our brains and bodies are inextricably linked, by combining physical and psychological elements in this exercise you will get a faster result.
That's it, simple. Within 20 days of sticking to this regime you will soon see your mood lift.
Let's talk!
Managing Triggers!
If I were to mention - heart attack, cancer, restructure, divorce, or mental health – one or more of those words would likely take you back to a memory, and your mood would change.
Our brain is wired to retain negative events across our lifetime to keep us alert should the same situation occur again. These are referred to as triggers.
You read a word, the amygdala tagged it with an emotion, and then you went to the hippocampus where memories are stored to think of the person or people associated with that word - meaning you did not connect with the prefrontal cortex where logic sits.
If you did connect with the PFC you would have thought – It's just a word I'm reading so there is no real danger – however, cortisol from the adrenal glands was released to bring full attention because of the reminder of that risk.
Should you ever be in a situation where you get triggered you have two options to reduce the effect. The first is to take a big deep breath and sigh, do it now and as soon as you sigh out try and think of something. Apart from food, it is usually difficult to think of anything.
When we are triggered we short breathe, our alveoli collapse, and we do not get sufficient oxygen into our brain for it to work correctly. When we sigh all the alveoli collapse then fully reinflate to purge the brain of cortisol.
When in front of a person, sighing is not an option - it's likely to have the opposite effect of what you want!
The second option is to breathe out fully as slowly as you can. Try it now, breathe out very slowly. Do you feel calmer?
When we breathe in our heart rate increases, when we breathe out our heart rate decreases.
The faster we breathe, the faster our heart beats, the faster our brain thinks. Breathing out first then breathing in and out slowly will control our rate of thoughts and reduce our negative reactions.
It does take time to practice this because we are working against the hardwiring in our brain, the stem – our natural fight or flight response.
It's taken me some practice, and that practice is ongoing. The more I practice, the better I become - just like anything else.
During a recent presentation with a district council on de-escalation and personal safety, someone said to me – “Why should I listen to an old white man!”
I had a lot of answers racing through my head of what I could say. Previously I would get into a long discussion about the type of work I do, and how it is based on current research on what neuroscience provides.
This time I looked away, breathed out slowly, and said – “You don't have to listen to me.” It was the best I could come up with at the time as it was such a surprise.
The person who made the comment then rejoined the conversation and it was one of the best workshops I have run despite being triggered earlier.
Breathing is the only thing we can do to reduce our thoughts in the immediate situation. Thinking comes after exhaling.
If I can do it, you can too. Just breathe out!