Negotiating the Non-negotiable!
As a crisis negotiator, it's important to quickly engage with those whom you are talking with, particularly if they are threatening to take a life.
There are some simple techniques that I once used to secure a peaceful end to what seemed like an impassable situation. You can use these when holding a difficult conversation, negotiating in a challenging situation, or simply wanting to make an impression;
🎁 What Have You Got That They Need?
There is a reason the other party is talking with you, you have something they need or want. Work out what you have that they need, and how much you are prepared to give up for providing it.
🗣️ Control Your Body and Your Voice
When we are nervous, we speak louder, faster, and longer. Holding a pen in the hand that you write with will control your uncontrolled facial micro-expressions and also help to reduce your volume.
👂 Two ears, and one mouth
Encourage the other person to talk twice as much as you do. By doing so, you are making it about them, allowing them to tell you everything about what they want, allowing them to vent, and making them feel as though they are in control. Of course, you are the one controlling the conversation by doing this.
💥 Communication Today is HOT
Honesty is the best policy, if you get caught lying you have lost all credibility. Be Open to new ideas and suggestions, and listen to what they have to say. Get To the point, no longer do we need to go through extended niceties, get on with it and show them that you are willing to go to the heart of the matter.
🦁 Don't Be Afraid
Show confidence with your head up and hold a strong body position. Have a bottom line and stick to it. Provide a reality check if they are suggesting something that is ridiculous or is below your bottom line. Take a time out if you need to regroup, this will show that you are in charge and won't be bullied.
💙 Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last
The three H's, Humility, honesty, and humour, are three traits others respond to positively. Recognise and acknowledge the other person's skills, be truthful in what you promise, and a joke at your own expense relaxes the other person.
You can negotiate what seems like the non-negotiable, all it takes is a few simple guidelines, being open-minded to suggestions, and compromise. It is the latter point that causes us the most challenges in difficult negotiations. Compromise.
You don't have to win, let that stuff go, you just have to find an agreed way forward.
Let's talk!
So much Self-Talk!
Mind Reading, catastrophising, self-blaming - do you find yourself struggling with any of these?
1) Reading minds - How often have you walked by someone and greeted them with a smile only to have them be short with you, or perhaps give you a funny look? Immediately you start to think "What have I done wrong?"
Most often, you haven't done anything wrong and, most often, the other person has something on their mind that is unrelated to you.
If this happens to you, ask the person if they are okay. That way you will know if it was something that you did or said that has offended them, you have clarified what is going on, and you may just have helped the other person.
2) Catastrophising - You are planning a trip, heading to an interview, or just going to the shops. Next thing you find yourself searching for everything that could go wrong - what if the plane is delayed, what if I say the wrong thing, what if it rains - all of which may or may not happen. Perhaps you have heard that your boss wants to speak to you about something that you did wrong, and you begin to look for everything that you ever did wrong. You meet with your boss, and it turns out you did nothing wrong at all, the message was incorrectly passed to you.
Most of us are wired to think the worst of everything, it is done so to keep us safe.
To stop this, bring yourself back to the moment and deal with what is front of you. By all means, think about what might go wrong so that you have an alternate plan - but if you're going to think about what could go wrong, also allow yourself to think about what could go right.
3) Self-blaming - Something goes wrong and your immediate thought is that you made a mistake, that you should or shouldn't have done something, and that if only you had done something different then this wouldn't have happened.
If you have done something wrong, own it, fix it, and move on. As is often the case 'it's not all about you' so stop blaming yourself. If it involves another person, you could always ask them. Ask, don't assume.
Let's talk!
Vulnerable Customers!
Do you have vulnerable customers?
There is not one amongst us who does not have something significant going on in our life that consumes us - financial hardship, domestic violence, racial bias, bullying, physical health issues, age, even death - all of which take a toll on our mind-health (mental health).
Because of this, we each become vulnerable at some point. Vulnerable to anxiety, depression and major health problems. Statistics state that 1-in-5 of us will have a mind-health challenge in any 12-month period, 1-in-2 of us in our lifetime. The statistics are wrong, in my humble opinion.
It might be the work that we are involved with that brings a bias, but I am yet to speak with a person who has not been, is now, or is on the verge of being in a vulnerable situation. And, it is set to get worse unless we do something about it.
Having spent a lot of time working in contact centres coaching on managing vulnerable customers, it is apparent that more and more of us are becoming vulnerable given the increased volume of calls from such people. The biggest contributor seems to be financial hardship closely followed by health issues, physical and/or emotional.
Furthermore, it's not just their customers, it is the staff who deal with vulnerable customers who are also at risk.
Not only are they managing vulnerable people, but they also have their own personal challenges just like the rest of us. Emotional dissonance is a major issue for the customer service industry, being asked to react in a way that is counter to what we as humans would want to react if we feel attacked or emotionally attached.
What can we do to help those of us who have, are, or maybe on the cusp of becoming vulnerable? Just like my earlier awakening, knowledge is the key to understanding. Understanding what is going on with the majority of us is a great start, and understanding that we can help with empathy without becoming vulnerable ourselves.
The biggest thing we can all do, whether managing a vulnerable customer or when talking with a colleague or friend in a vulnerable situation, is to listen. Listen without fixing.
The next thing we can do is to acknowledge their situation - "Thank you for sharing", "I appreciate you telling me what is going on", "I can only imagine what you are going through", "That must be difficult" - and so it goes.
The third thing that we could do is to share, only if appropriate to do so - "I had something similar happen to me", "You are not alone in what is happening" - to tell the person that they are not alone.
Only if applicable, only if you have established a good rapport, and only if you are genuine, you could ask - "Have you told anyone else", "Are you getting any support", "Would you like me to provide you with details of an organisation who might be able to help".
Leaving a vulnerable person in a vulnerable position without offering support leaves them vulnerable still.
Let's talk!
Ï'm Sorry!
"I'm sorry for the hurt that I have caused, I'm sorry for the bad things I've done, I'm sorry for the pain, the grief, the distrust, and all of the other things that I was responsible for that were wrong."
Without question, all of us have done something that we later regret. A bad word, a hurtful comment, continuing a stream of gossip, maybe something said in the heat of the moment. Aren't we all guilty of an event that we regret at some point in our lives and now we feel guilty about?
Our 'go-to' word when we want to make amends is always sorry. For the most part, it is a word we say because we mean it. If we could take back all of the hurt, grief, distrust, and other negative effects that we caused by our actions, we would. But we can't, it's done, there's nothing more that we can do except use a simple word, sorry.
Or is there?
What if we could do more than just utter a single word, what if we could use two or three words, maybe even a sentence to show how sorry we are. What if we added the words 'so' and 'causing' and 'I'm' and perhaps those other words to describe what we caused by our ill-considered actions? What if we said "I'm so sorry for all of the pain and hurt I caused you", and added another sentence to show that we meant it?
In the end, they are all just words, simple words.
And for some of us, words will never be able to make amends for what we have done. Maybe we need to take action, maybe we need to show the ones who we hurt that we are genuine with the words we now use to apologise and we showed how sorry we were by changing our behaviour. Wouldn't that be something?
There are some things that we would love to say sorry for and to take back or rectify what did or said, but we can't for whatever reason. What then? Well, how about working hard so that others don't make the same mistakes as you by talking about your past mistakes? Is that not another way of saying sorry? Why not do as much good as you can in the world to balance the scales back the other way?
There is always more that we can do than simply saying that we are sorry. Find your way of doing something positive to balance the scales. It will not only help you to make amends, but possibly help you to avoid the self-loathing trap that guilt and regret can bring to us every day.
Remember that you are only human, you have many flaws, and we all do. It's how we deal with those flaws that matters, because we care.
Let's talk!
Don't Worry!
Don't worry! ...If only it was that easy.
Let's start with your brain, what's going on up there?
It is said that we have 70,000 thoughts a day going through our brain. Your brain is wired in such a way so that it is always looking for ways in which to keep you safe. Sometimes it goes too far to the detriment of our well-being. Give your brain half a story and it will make up the rest, in other words, you can guarantee that the end of the story will be a negative one. It is simply looking for perceived threats to keep us safe.
When was the last time that you worried about something and it never eventuated? I bet it happens most times? If it did eventuate, it was never as bad as you thought it would be, or perhaps it was - and here you are today, you got through it.
The first part of resiliency is to understand that your brain is looking at the negative side of life. It is sometimes good to examine the negative things but know that your brain is exaggerating the information.
If you have a worry on your mind, remember that talking is the best option to resolve those problems that we haven't been able to resolve ourselves. Talking with others extends the knowledge and experience needed to find the appropriate resolution strategy. Talking also helps to bring a new perspective to our issue, we can see things through a different lens.
Once you have chatted and found a way through your problem then set about fixing it with a practical action. We can 'work at worrying or work on what is worrying us', our brain is going to work regardless of which one we choose to do.
Working on our problem gives us something positive to focus on rather than the negative problem.
Let's talk!