10 things I learned in my time as a crisis negotiator
1. Never make a promise that you cannot keep - When we break a promise, not only does the person we made it to feel bad but we also feel the same way. Under-promise and over-deliver is a great guide.
2. Be honest - honesty is the most important thing that you can do for yourself and for others.
3. Be the first to give - Always give something first and never ask for anything in return. Why, because generally, the other person will always reciprocate if they have the opportunity to.
4. Listen - We have two ears and one mouth to do twice as much listening as talking.
5. Only speak if you have something to say - as above, silence is the key to listening. Less is more.
6. Make it about them - Focus on the other person's needs, then your own.
7. Be humble - If we take the lower ground, we gain respect. It is so easy to become aggressive if we need to but difficult to retract what we said in anger.
8. Keep an open mind - A closed mind causes friction and is a barrier to understanding.
9. Never leave anything unsaid - just like on a sports field we give everything, the same rule applies in conversations. Say all that you have to say, in particular if expressing emotions. Men often find this one difficult to do.
10. Always finish with an agreement - never leave a conversation on a negative note, always finish on a positive or with an agreement.
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Sticking To Your Goals.
Sometimes we struggle after having decided to make a change in our life, and oftentimes we give up without really knowing that we have given up until we realise that we are back into our old patterns of behaviour.
Often when we're trying to make a change in our life, or perhaps to achieve a goal, we become frustrated that things aren't happening fast enough.
Research is overwhelming, and I don't think we needed research to confirm this, life is getting faster and faster. As the rest of our life is moving faster through technological advances, we expect the same fast result when it comes to our personal endeavours.
Science is now able to tell us a lot more about how our brains process information, how we can influence our behaviour though our thoughts, and how we can make improvements in our lives.
We know that it takes longer than 21 days to change a habit. It is actually 60 to 80 days depending on how ingrained the habit is that you want to change. We also know that when it comes to achieving goals, we shouldn't write down more than five. One is more than enough to make a real impact on our life.
Here's a quick guide on changing habits and setting goals, both of which go together. If you want to achieve a goal you have to change something that you are currently doing. Most often, you are needing to change a lifetime habit;
Identify the one thing you want to change that will make the biggest impact on your life.
Look at all of the factors that are currently contributing to that area of your life you want to change.
Now choose just two of those factors that will give you the fastest improvement with the least amount of effort. Choosing more than two and you will soon find yourself being overwhelmed and giving up.
Identify the way in which you can introduce those two factors into your life with the greatest of ease and without causing frustration.
Mark the date that you start on a calendar, then count out 80 days and place another mark. That is the day that you no longer have to concentrate on introducing the two factors, they will be ingrained into your brain.
You can then repeat the process for the next change in your life. And then again, and then again, and then again.
By taking smaller steps we can achieve larger goals - it is about embedding patterns of behaviour.
If you find yourself falling back into old habits, don't beat yourself up about it, know that that is just part of the process. 50% of who we are is hereditary, it comes from our parents, it's in our DNA if you like. The other 50% is you and what you have done in your life. Therefore, you are able to change at least half of your behaviour because it's yours, it's you.
There is no quick fix when it comes to breaking habits or making changes in our life. Don't get frustrated, get determined, you got this.
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Say No!
Thanks, but I'll have to pass on that.
I'm going to need to say no, but thanks!
I can't make it work this time, sorry.
Not today.
No.
I'm not up for that right now, but I appreciate the invite.
I'm going to have to sit this one out, but thanks for thinking of me
No, thank you.
I'd love to, but I'm swamped right now.
I've got a lot on my plate, so I'll have to decline.
Thanks for the offer, but I'm going to have to pass.
Often we don't want to disappoint, so we tend to say "yes' when asked to do something. Unfortunately, this desire to help, or rather not to disappoint, might be detrimental to our well-being - especially at a time of year when many of our plates (and calendars) are full.
Saying "yes" may be important to you, so keep doing so if you can continue without it impacting on you. Remember that you need downtime to do things to relax. Saying "no" can be difficult, especially if you have got into the habit of saying "yes".
Know that saying "no" can also be exhilarating, and your brain will eventually thank you for it.
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Thank You To Those Who Work In Customer Service
It's that time of the year that most of us enjoy, the holiday season .
A time when we prepare to get together with family and friends to celebrate and to relax. A time when we are so busy that we sometimes forget about others.
Things don't always go the way that they should in the lead-up to holiday times and oftentimes we are in a rush to get things done so that we can relax. In this busy time when things don't go the way that we hoped that they would, we get anxious and may say things that we wouldn't ordinarily say.
The bearer of our immediate response is at times the person who can help us the most, the customer service assistant (CSA).
Those who work in the customer service industry - banks, call centres, shops, restaurants, etc. - do so because they enjoy what they do. They are drawn to their vocation because they want to help others.
It is in these busy times that they work harder than ever with no additional reward. Their reward is simply to help as many people as possible.
Know that the person in front of you or who is on the phone is trying their very best to help you with your issue. They don't want things to go wrong for you, they don't want you to be in distress, they didn't set out to make your life hard, and they may just be as overwhelmed as you are.
When things go wrong in these busy times, spare a thought for those who work in the customer service industry.
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Dealing With Angry People?
With many organisations seeing an increase in angry clients and customers, we are regularly asked the question, "How do we talk to an angry person?"
Often, saying nothing or simply agreeing with how they feel can help reduce conflict.
Here are some other tips for dealing with the angry :
Stand tall with your head up, shoulders back, and hands by your side. This shows that you are open and ready to listen.
Listen to what they are saying. When they have finished their 'vent', paraphrase back to them what they said related to the facts of what they are yelling about. (i.e., you are here to talk about .....).
Reduce your eye contact to half of what you would usually do, 30% instead of 60%.
The person will come at you again, repeat the process. Keep your hand movements to a minimum.
If you can, hold something in your hand such as a notebook or pen. This will help relax your facial muscles and give you the feeling of support. (Try it now, stand up with your hands by your side without anything in your hands and then pick something up. Note how you feel more relaxed yet confident).
If you're able to, invite the person to sit down. This will reduce their anger as they won't have a strong foundation on which to rage.
Go through their issue without taking any notes, this is called free recall. Then ask them to go through it again and tell them that this time you will be taking notes. Going through it twice reduces the tension, clarifies the situation, and allows them to tell their story at least twice to ease built-up tension.
If you can, get them to make notes also. When we write words by forming letters we go to our logic brain rather than remain in our emotional brain.
Throughout the conversation, use words such as important. "I can tell this is important to you." They are in a heightened state because this is important to them, and acknowledging this will support them in feeling acknowledged and validated.
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