How many times have you said, "Why does this always happen to me?!"
It might be the case that it does, it might be our negativity bias, it might be the emotional attraction, or possibly the way we recall similar events from our past.
As we go through life and negative events happen, our brain places a marker in our memory as a point of reference for the future, mainly so we can avoid similar situations in the future. The problem, the marker doesn't clarify the cause or how we got through the event, it simply records the part of the event where our emotion was at its highest.
Generally, we repeat our behaviours because our brain prefers to stick to patterns of behaviour, known as habits which are based on neural pathways. These pathways are there to keep us safe.
Our brain is a dumb tool designed for simpler times and although our world has developed, our brain hasn't kept pace. Sure, the brain has developed from the basic stem to one now that is more complex, yet, the fundamentals remain since the earliest of times - fight, flight, or freeze.
We learn by doing and, until we have experienced something several times, we might not get things right on the first or second, or even third occasion.
Do we learn from our past, yes, but only if we go back and examine what took place to change it.
A simple technique is to start by looking for similarities:
Write a list of the occasions where the same event has happened.
Next, write down beside each event what was similar about each one and see if you can identify a common theme or single causal factor about them, apart from the fact that you are involved.
Was it a choice that you made, or were you drawn to the similarity for a reason, was your judgement clouded by emotional attraction, is there one common action that you can now learn from and change? This is how we learn; looking back, opening it up, and examining the events.
To complete the process, and this is a very necessary part, look for the differences in each event. These are often more difficult to find because we are all consumed with the commonalities, the 'why me' factor.
It is in the differences with each event that we realise it was not necessarily us that was the cause, it was the situation, the emotion, or it just 'was'.
This is the part of the process that is empowering. You realise that not all events are the same, it's just how our brain recalls them, in clusters.
It is far better to do this technique with someone else, to provide a different perspective.
Coming together with others makes us feel safer knowing that we are all very similar, knowing others have faced similar events, and knowing we are not alone.
It is what it is because it was what it was, it's what you do now that matters - I have this tattooed on my chest as a reminder.
Let's talk!
What Gets Us Through Tough Times?
We have all heard inspirational stories of people who have gone through extraordinarily tough times to overcome adversity. Many will recount being able to find a new level of strength and determination when they thought they had nothing left to give.
Is it courage, is it 'toughening up', or is it the ability to switch off from reality and focus on something else. It is the latter. People who can work through extreme adversity, to put the pain to one side, to find strength at the depths of despair, are all around us.
Last Friday, our Online Education & Events Manager Haley Burdett, undertook what for most would seem like a mammoth task - to complete 13 x F45 fitness classes in a single day. If you have completed one 45F session, then you will know how hard they are.
The event was for charity, KidsCan Charitable Trust, one that is dear to our hearts. Our company has one core value – to give back – more so when it involves supporting children. Haley completed all 13 sessions showing unbelievable strength, courage, and determination across the 12-hours.
What is it that is special about people who can find strength where most of us would give up. Is it in their DNA, is it in their personality, is it a strong mind-set. Maybe they are a little psychotic!
No, they are people like you and me. People who see only one thing and do whatever it takes to achieve it.
Much has been written about the common traits of people who do the seeming impossible - a powerful inner-drive, a tolerance of pain, the ability to visualise a goal, extraordinary self-discipline - and so the list goes.
We all have the ability to tap into any of these traits. For me it is one thing, the ability to focus on our hook. We all have a hook, that one thing that we always think of when times get tough, our sense of purpose, our real strength.
If you focus on your hook – family, faith, fitness, friends, whatever it is for you – when times get tough you will find the ability to gain unbelievable strength. Focussing on our hook stops our mind from wandering, prevents our inner voice from telling us to give up, lets us ignore the present pain.
When we focus on our hook we become energised, driven, numb to the pain. For our hook is in our heart and our heart will always overcome what our inner voice is telling us if we truly believe in our hook.
Do not believe your thoughts when times get tough, for they are just that, thoughts. Challenge every thought you have, is it you or is it your brain taking the easiest route. Our brain has one purpose, to keep us alive, and it will always tell us to give up. Ignore your voice and hold on to what is in your heart.
Be as patient with yourself as you are with those around you and hold on to what you love, your hook. When times get tough always go with your heart and not your head for in times of adversity your heart will always know best.
Let's talk!
Never Be Afraid To....
Never ever be afraid to ask for help.
Never ever be afraid to share your story.
Never ever be afraid to apologise.
Asking for help is a sign of true courage and strength, a true hero. It takes courage to admit that you don't have all the answers and that you need the support of others. Seeking help from a trusted friend, family member, or professional can make all the difference.
Sharing your story can be a powerful way to connect with others. By sharing your experiences, you might just help someone else feel less alone.
Additionally, when we talk, we release the positive hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin is often termed the love hormone, yet it is more than that, it is about the human bonding process. Oxytocin is released when we talk with someone in a deep and meaningful conversation. Oxytocin helps to dissolve cortisol.
Apologising is a crucial part of building and maintaining healthy relationships. We all make mistakes, but owning up to them and taking responsibility shows that you value the other person and their feelings. There is not one person who has never made a mistake, and it's never too late to apologise and make things right.
It is these moments of vulnerability and humility that can help us form stronger connections with those around us. When we converse with others in person, we are participating in a centuries-old practice - sharing, caring, helping, listening, telling, laughing - the very things that make us who we are as humans.
Let's talk!
You Be You
I was sent this photo last week, taken when I was on stage at the Air NZ Health & Safety reps conference. My first thought, what the heck (heck replaces the original word), I look like Mr Bean, I need to start focussing on my facial expressions to be a better presenter.
Having now pondered, I see no need to change, for this is me. I have many uncontrolled facial expressions when I speak, they are natural. I suspect some of them are learned, most are probably due to my over-active mind - the unrelenting voice inside my head.
Having recently discovered that I have AH - Attention Hyperactivity - explains a lot about who I am. Note, for me it is not a ‘Disorder’, nothing is a Disorder, if anything it is simply a ‘Difference’.
Looking back at my report cards from primary school, all of the indications were present - "Disruptive in class", "Needs to focus more", "Has the ability but doesn't use it." ADHD wasn't a known diagnosis back in my day, it was managed by punishment. The strap, the cane, standing outside the principal’s office…
I became the class clown to cover my inability to learn.
It wasn't until the age of 35, when I was at the police college, that a behavioural science instructor showed me how to learn in different ways. She freed me to learn in my own way, not the way that others learned. My method, rote learning. Not in the usual way of repetitive reading, in an active way.
Writing what I needed to learn in a scribble that only I could read - on paper, on whiteboards, on stick-it notes, everywhere. By the time I had finished, the classroom where I studied each night look like a sauvant or weird scientist had been writing formulas over the walls.
With this new discovery, I was fully engaged in education, a new world had opened, one that was fascinating. I was off on a race, quenching the thirst of a curious mind. A Masters, two Diplomas, doing a third Diploma, published author of two best-sellers, writing a third book on managing anxiety, and so it goes.
On reflection, this photo is who I am, me. Natural, normal (who amongst us is truly normal!), authentic. I have no doubt, given the wonderful feedback after each presentation or workshop, that being authentic is the key for me.
Could it be the same for you? Being you, who you truly are, is so liberating. Freeing you to be authentic, to be who you really are, to be at your best.
Looking back can be helpful - to good times, to make amends, to learn, or to see how far we have come - but never look back to regret what occurred. Never, ever look back with regret. "It is what it is, because it was what it was." I have this statement tattooed on my chest to remind me that I am where I am because of my past.
You be you, be proud, stand tall. Ignore those who have a problem with you being you, for they do not know you as you know yourself.
Let's talk!
Let Your Emotions Out.
Show your emotions, proudly - fighting off emotions may only make them worse. Emotions will come out, they must - so let them.
If we push a 'negative' emotion away, our brain can hold onto it more because that is what our subconscious is designed to do. By getting curious and welcoming the thought, feeling, or emotion, our subconscious simply lets it go.
We remove the negative attachment, we embrace the fear, and our brain says, "Nothing to see here, let's move on to something else".