How To Help Our Young.

Here's what we can say about the increase in what I refer to as ADS: Anxiety, Depression and Suicide. The marked increase is, in most cases, due to one or all of three things;

Too much information - social media, Google, too many choices causing our brain to work faster. Not to mention, our devices having an impact on our neuro-wiring.

High expectations of ourselves - we strive to be the best, sometimes comparing ourselves to others. We must get the best marks, school reports are like performance appraisals, and perfectionism is increasing.

Social isolation - we don't talk face-to-face across the generations as we once did, we use devices more to communicate, and we listen far too much to the voice inside our head.

It is not necessarily the big things that impact us the most. It can be an accumulation of little things that make us more vulnerable when a big event does happen.

To counter this, introducing a few small changes can make a difference;

Reduce the use of technology - it's a balance between doing practical and tangible things in conjunction with technology.

Spend one hour across the day talking face-to-face with people - not just with friends and family, but also with; teachers, shop assistants, the hairdresser, with people of all generations.

C's gets Degrees - Slightly reducing our expectations, and making a plan to move forward following a disappointment might help mitigate the negative impact when we don't quite reach what we sought.

Get outside - Walk, run, bike, climb - exercise, play, sun, fresh air, each of these make a difference to our wellbeing. Join them together to make a massive difference.

Breathe - There are three breathing techniques we recommend, all done through the nose;

To manage anger - Take a deep breath, hold it while counting to 4 inside your head, breathe out fully, and count to 4 inside your head before breathing in and resuming normal breathing.

To reduce 'thinking' - Breathe in to fully expand our lungs at exactly 6 seconds, breathe out to fully deflate our lungs at exactly 6 seconds. Repeat this for 2 minutes, twice a day.

To sleep - take 9 deep breaths; for the first 3 breaths imagine really cold air going up one nostril (but you are breathing through both nostrils), for the next 3 breaths imagine really cold air is going up the other nostril, and for the last 3 breaths imagine really cold air is going up both nostrils.

The big hurdle as a parent can be getting our children to listen to us. Pushing on people can end up pushing them further away. Do some of the things listed above yourself, and maybe they will follow in time.

If it's the little things that impact us the most, then let's start with the little things - do one small thing daily to make a change.

Negative Self-Talk

Does this sound familiar?

I am not good/strong enough.

I need to wait until...

When I get this done I can relax.

The person I talk to inside my head is much younger than I am.

I am getting old.

Life is passing me by way too fast.

I wish I had/hadn't...

Why can't I be like everyone else?

It's likely you've said or thought at least one of these in your lifetime. Here are a few tips to help you with them:

I am not good/strong enough - Imposter syndrome, you are good enough, you can always do better, and that's why you are where you are today.

I need to wait until - Your brain likes to run in patterns of behaviour, habits that may keep you where you are. There is no waiting, start today, right now, this instant.

When I get this done I can relax - You will never finish, there's always something else to do, there's another job to do. So, relax in the knowledge that you are working towards being a better person, helping others, and contributing to society.

The person I talk to inside my head is much younger than I am - Yes, we all have a much younger person as our inner guide. Acknowledge and validate him/her, just don't let him/her hold you back.

I am getting old - Reflection arrives with age, as does wisdom. Focus on the present, and embrace that you are currently alive by making the most of the time you have.

Life is passing me by way too fast - You are busy, which is a good thing, you simply aren't focussing on the here and now. Bring yourself back to the moment.

I wish I had/hadn't - Guilt and regret are designed to remind you of risks/danger and add to your learning pile. Instead, reflect on the good that you have done and add to your pile of good things.

Why can't I be like everyone else - You are, in many ways. There's about a 10% difference between all of us, the circumstances into which we were born. The rest is very similar, know that you are not alone.

Let's talk!

I Am Stupid!

I am stupid, dumb, worthless, a loser who won't amount to much in life.

Although I tried to learn, no matter how hard I tried I was always near the bottom of the class. And so I became comfortable there, near the bottom. I wasn't last in the class so at least I wasn't that stupid, I told myself.

As I went through school I would think to myself - how was I going to succeed, how could I buy a house, how would I be able to live, what is going to happen to me, would I even survive?

It used to keep me awake at night, worrying that I was a failure and wondering if it was all worth it.

I did okay in life as it turned out, I sat a building apprenticeship and eventually became a construction site foreman. That was great but there was still something missing. And then something happened late in my life, at 35 years of age someone showed me how to learn.

From that point, I realised that I wasn't so stupid, so dumb, so worthless, or a complete loser who wouldn't amount to much in life. Studying became like a drug for me, I couldn't get enough of it. I found that I could read and digest eight to ten research papers in an hour, highlighting the important points as I read. As I laid the points out on pages I could visualise where each paragraph would fit, it was crazy and exciting.

The end result, I now have a few qualifications up my sleeve including a couple of Diplomas and a Master of Arts Degree. And I am still studying. So what is the moral of this rant? If I can, anyone can.

Stop telling yourself that you can't do something because you can. No one is stupid, dumb, worthless, or a loser who won't amount to much in life. Each of us has something special to offer the world, we just have to find what it is and how to use it.

I once would make excuses as to why the other person was better than me - they had money, they went to a good school, they had perfect timing, they had lots of support - excuse after excuse.

What I know now is that we can all achieve great things if we put our minds to it.

One person took the time to show me how to study, and for that, I am so very grateful. That was my key, learning how to learn. I encourage you to strive to find your key, it's never too late.

Find it, use it, give it all that you have when using it and watch how life unlocks before you.

How Can I Motivate Myself?

How can I motivate myself?

Motivation is intrinsic, it's about having something to look forward to.

Each of us is different in our desires, and it is about finding the desire, or goal if you prefer, that motivates us enough to produce a shot of dopamine. Dopamine is a powerful positive neurotransmitter that rewards us, motivates us, and is highly addictive. Rather than looking to the future to what we can’t see, if we were to put something there to focus on each day will provide us with ample motivation.

Setting goals and working towards them provides us with the necessary motivation to get up, dress up, and front up. How you find that goal is up to you. Here are a few options you might want to consider:

Is there something that you have always wanted to do and found a way of not doing it?

Has there been something in the back of your mind that says to you “As soon as I have this, I will do such and such?”

Have you ever sat watching TV or reading a magazine and said to yourself “I would love to have a go at that”, or “I would love to visit there?”

Do you find yourself in a bit of a rut that you can’t seem to get out of and wish that there was a way to move forward and change your life for the better?

Is there an organisation that you want to support, or a company that you’ve always wanted to work for, or something that you wanted to build, or perhaps a challenge that seemed out of your reach?

The key to motivation is having the desire to get out of bed in the morning and achieve something. That desire comes from within us but can be something external to focus on. More importantly, that something needs to come from within our hearts to truly inspire us. So, what does your heart tell you?

We tend to hold ourselves back because of fear, subconsciously mostly, fear of what could go wrong rather than what could go right. What if we can swap that negative fear around and use it to encourage us, to see what could actually happen when we succeed?

If your plan doesn't work out the way you thought it might, you haven't failed. What did you learn along the way that you can use again for your next goal? It is far better to say “At least I gave it a go” rather than not trying at all because regret for not doing something can be terribly demotivating.

There is a saying that goes - 'If you do something you’re passionate about you’ll never work a day in your life'. That's not quite true because you will have to work hard towards your goal, and we do all have to work. The harder we work the luckier that we get. And, the work that we find a passion for provides us with enthusiasm, inspiration, and motivation.

Let's talk!

What Can We Do About Anger!

What can we do about anger?

Anger can be triggered by an underlying emotion such as fear, frustration, disgust, sadness, grief, the list seems endless. We are all familiar with anger being a part of the grief cycle, a very vital part of losing a loved one. Anger often occurs as part of our automatic fight-flight-freeze response, being more closely associated with fight.

The good news is that we can learn to control our anger and the more that we do so the better that we feel and the less frequent anger will be used. Here are three steps to take to control our immediate reaction in a situation if anger is our go-to emotion;

Plan for it - Think ahead to situations that are likely to cause you to become angry - shopping, a customer service inquiry, going to meet with your boss - and have a pre-planned reply to what they might say that would anger you. Have a new sentence such as - "I hear what you are saying" followed by your planned reply that is joined with the word "and", not the word "but". "I hear what you are saying and ..."

Breathe out, not in - When we are angered, our breathing becomes short and shallow therefore we have too much oxygen which causes us to hyperventilate thus increasing our brain activity and increasing our anger. Breathe out completely and hold for 3 seconds before resuming regular breathing. Breathing out reduces our heart rate and a low heart rate decreases our brain activity.

Never say the first thing that comes into your head - When we are angered we go immediately go to our patterned learned reply that is often harsh and hurtful because we feel as though we are under attack. Think about your reply when you pause your breathing and soften the words.

Once you have dealt with the immediate situation then introduce a second strategy to relieve any pent-up anger;

Exercise - Go for a fast walk or run, hit the punch bag, lift some heavy weights, or any form of intense exercise that releases your energy.

Write - Write out how you feel and then destroy what you have written by burning, ripping, crushing, and completely obliterating the piece of paper.

Communicate - Celebrate your success of not getting angry by telling someone about what happened and how well you handled it. We learn by reward, dopamine, and we need to introduce dopamine if we want to reinforce the positive and continue with our new pattern of behaviour.

Emotions must come out, and doing so in a positive way will have a far greater benefit for everyone, particularly you.

Let's talk!