I am stupid, dumb, worthless, a loser who won't amount to much in life.
Although I tried to learn, no matter how hard I tried I was always near the bottom of the class. And so I became comfortable there, near the bottom. I wasn't last in the class so at least I wasn't that stupid, I told myself.
As I went through school I would think to myself - how was I going to succeed, how could I buy a house, how would I be able to live, what is going to happen to me, would I even survive?
It used to keep me awake at night, worrying that I was a failure and wondering if it was all worth it.
I did okay in life as it turned out, I sat a building apprenticeship and eventually became a construction site foreman. That was great but there was still something missing. And then something happened late in my life, at 35 years of age someone showed me how to learn.
From that point, I realised that I wasn't so stupid, so dumb, so worthless, or a complete loser who wouldn't amount to much in life. Studying became like a drug for me, I couldn't get enough of it. I found that I could read and digest eight to ten research papers in an hour, highlighting the important points as I read. As I laid the points out on pages I could visualise where each paragraph would fit, it was crazy and exciting.
The end result, I now have a few qualifications up my sleeve including a couple of Diplomas and a Master of Arts Degree. And I am still studying. So what is the moral of this rant? If I can, anyone can.
Stop telling yourself that you can't do something because you can. No one is stupid, dumb, worthless, or a loser who won't amount to much in life. Each of us has something special to offer the world, we just have to find what it is and how to use it.
I once would make excuses as to why the other person was better than me - they had money, they went to a good school, they had perfect timing, they had lots of support - excuse after excuse.
What I know now is that we can all achieve great things if we put our minds to it.
One person took the time to show me how to study, and for that, I am so very grateful. That was my key, learning how to learn. I encourage you to strive to find your key, it's never too late.
Find it, use it, give it all that you have when using it and watch how life unlocks before you.
How Can I Motivate Myself?
How can I motivate myself?
Motivation is intrinsic, it's about having something to look forward to.
Each of us is different in our desires, and it is about finding the desire, or goal if you prefer, that motivates us enough to produce a shot of dopamine. Dopamine is a powerful positive neurotransmitter that rewards us, motivates us, and is highly addictive. Rather than looking to the future to what we can’t see, if we were to put something there to focus on each day will provide us with ample motivation.
Setting goals and working towards them provides us with the necessary motivation to get up, dress up, and front up. How you find that goal is up to you. Here are a few options you might want to consider:
Is there something that you have always wanted to do and found a way of not doing it?
Has there been something in the back of your mind that says to you “As soon as I have this, I will do such and such?”
Have you ever sat watching TV or reading a magazine and said to yourself “I would love to have a go at that”, or “I would love to visit there?”
Do you find yourself in a bit of a rut that you can’t seem to get out of and wish that there was a way to move forward and change your life for the better?
Is there an organisation that you want to support, or a company that you’ve always wanted to work for, or something that you wanted to build, or perhaps a challenge that seemed out of your reach?
The key to motivation is having the desire to get out of bed in the morning and achieve something. That desire comes from within us but can be something external to focus on. More importantly, that something needs to come from within our hearts to truly inspire us. So, what does your heart tell you?
We tend to hold ourselves back because of fear, subconsciously mostly, fear of what could go wrong rather than what could go right. What if we can swap that negative fear around and use it to encourage us, to see what could actually happen when we succeed?
If your plan doesn't work out the way you thought it might, you haven't failed. What did you learn along the way that you can use again for your next goal? It is far better to say “At least I gave it a go” rather than not trying at all because regret for not doing something can be terribly demotivating.
There is a saying that goes - 'If you do something you’re passionate about you’ll never work a day in your life'. That's not quite true because you will have to work hard towards your goal, and we do all have to work. The harder we work the luckier that we get. And, the work that we find a passion for provides us with enthusiasm, inspiration, and motivation.
Let's talk!
What Can We Do About Anger!
What can we do about anger?
Anger can be triggered by an underlying emotion such as fear, frustration, disgust, sadness, grief, the list seems endless. We are all familiar with anger being a part of the grief cycle, a very vital part of losing a loved one. Anger often occurs as part of our automatic fight-flight-freeze response, being more closely associated with fight.
The good news is that we can learn to control our anger and the more that we do so the better that we feel and the less frequent anger will be used. Here are three steps to take to control our immediate reaction in a situation if anger is our go-to emotion;
Plan for it - Think ahead to situations that are likely to cause you to become angry - shopping, a customer service inquiry, going to meet with your boss - and have a pre-planned reply to what they might say that would anger you. Have a new sentence such as - "I hear what you are saying" followed by your planned reply that is joined with the word "and", not the word "but". "I hear what you are saying and ..."
Breathe out, not in - When we are angered, our breathing becomes short and shallow therefore we have too much oxygen which causes us to hyperventilate thus increasing our brain activity and increasing our anger. Breathe out completely and hold for 3 seconds before resuming regular breathing. Breathing out reduces our heart rate and a low heart rate decreases our brain activity.
Never say the first thing that comes into your head - When we are angered we go immediately go to our patterned learned reply that is often harsh and hurtful because we feel as though we are under attack. Think about your reply when you pause your breathing and soften the words.
Once you have dealt with the immediate situation then introduce a second strategy to relieve any pent-up anger;
Exercise - Go for a fast walk or run, hit the punch bag, lift some heavy weights, or any form of intense exercise that releases your energy.
Write - Write out how you feel and then destroy what you have written by burning, ripping, crushing, and completely obliterating the piece of paper.
Communicate - Celebrate your success of not getting angry by telling someone about what happened and how well you handled it. We learn by reward, dopamine, and we need to introduce dopamine if we want to reinforce the positive and continue with our new pattern of behaviour.
Emotions must come out, and doing so in a positive way will have a far greater benefit for everyone, particularly you.
Let's talk!
Why Don't They Just Ask For Help?
Why don't they just ask for help?
In a single word, fear.
We often hear, "If you are struggling, please reach out to someone for help" The sentiment is well-meaning and will work if the person is in a lucid period or in the early stages of the mire. However, it can fall on deaf ears if the person is deep in the mire, or completely overwhelmed with 'life'.
Why deaf ears, because when people are all consumed with life, the only voice they hear is their own, and that voice is telling them to ignore the world. That voice, the one that comforted us as a child whenever we were struggling or afraid, has now become our enemy.
So why don't we ask for help, and why does that voice try in vain to comfort us as it did when we were a child? Fear is the answer for most of us.
Fear of burdening you with our issues, fear of what you might say to us, fear that you may scold or scorn us, fear that what you suggest may make things worse, fear of the repercussions of our actions, fear that you may view us as a failure, fear that we will never be seen the same way again, fear that we will never recover, fear of what the future holds if any future at all, fear of the unknown, fear of... The list is endless.
Yes, these fears are irrational, illogical, and often unfounded. But we don't know that, because we aren't thinking rationally or logically.
When overwhelmed, we are unable to think like you, to rationalise like you, to bring clarity to what you are saying. We can't work out why you don't get it, why you can't see what we see, why you aren't listening to us, why you don't understand that we can't simply "snap out of it".
So what should you do to help us when we are overwhelmed?
Take us to get some help if we readily want to go, encourage us to get some help if we won't go for help, listen to us without judging us or trying to fix us, ask us what we are thinking and feeling, or just be there for us.
A warm smile, a kind word, a hug from a loved one can be enough to keep us going. Remind us that we are loved, that we won't be scorned or scolded, that you don't care what we've done. Just be there for us when we need you.
Let's talk!
What Makes A Great Employer?
We've all seen the memes about pizza parties and improving company culture. Although a pizza shout can still be part of that, what makes a great employer? We have been fortunate enough to have worked in many organisations. Here's a few things that we have noticed about the truly great companies;
Ownership - Have clear direction; know where you are going, and how you will get there and communicate this effectively. Provide the tools to allow your staff to do their work and leave them to get on with it. Continue with plenty of informal feedback but try to avoid micro-managing.
Career - Give people something meaningful to work on outside of their day-to-day work. Ideas on work practices and change processes (the way change is implemented) should be from the bottom-up, not the top-down. Vary training practices & encourage movement within your organisation.
Environment - No one likes working in a cramped dark cold cupboard. Have plenty of natural light, provide places to relax and make these places feel like 'home'.
Happiness - happiness keeps people motivated. Value each person; celebrating birthdays and festive events, perhaps this is where the pizza parties do actually play a part.
Fantastic Managers - They genuinely care for their people. They don't refer to them as employees, workers, or staff, they always refer to their 'people'. Regardless of how busy they are with their own work, they are curious and engaged with their team members.
He aha te mea nui? He tangata, he tangata, he tangata. What is the most important thing in the world? It is people, it is people, it is people.