Just Be There For Them.

When we know that someone is struggling, perhaps depressed, maybe they have depression, it is important to support that person as much as possible. Encouraging them to seek expert help is also very important.

Previously, I have spoken on what to do and say to the person you want to help, this time I will cover what NOT to say;

"You'll be okay" - Reassure them by all means, but this statement can sound a little dismissive.

"I know how you feel" - You may have been through something similar yourself however each of us is different. We can make generalisations, but there are always unique differences between each of us.

"Snap out of it" - Recovery time varies for each of us and it is often so slow that it is almost unrecognisable.

"This has been going on for far too long now" - Maybe it has. It can be a swift dive down into the depths of despair but it is often a long and slow road back.

"We all have our crosses to bare (tell everyone about)" - I am embarrassed to say that I once was a supporter of this mantra until I became unwell. Each of us does have a cross or two to bare, and we should help each other to carry the burden if we can.

"I read about this cure" - While well-meaning, people can be overwhelmed by those wanting to help. Know that there is a lot going on inside the head of someone who is struggling, they don't need more information to add to their self-talk.

"Have you tried..." - Similar to the sentence above, they probably have tried whatever you are going to suggest.

Enough of what not to do Lance... what can we say?

👉 "I am here for you for whatever you want or need. You are going through a tough time, I can see that. Please let me know if I can help and how I can do so. Take your time, I'll be here whenever you need me to be. If it's alright with you I will check in with you every now and then, it's no trouble because you mean a lot to us."

👉 A saying used in crisis intervention - 'If you don't know, ask.'

👉 That is my recommendation for you to do when you are trying to help someone who is going through depression - after you have encouraged them to get help of course. Ask them how they are feeling and what they are thinking.

Don't try and fix it, simply be there for them.

Reflecting On My Past As A Crisis Negotiator

Looking back on my time as a crisis negotiator with the NZ Police, as someone who spoke with people who stood on the precipice of taking their life, here are a few things that I learned from talking with them:

Life is never a straight line - as much as we would like it to be, we will all be hit with adversity at some point. Knowing how to manage that adversity and knowing that our response to it is 'normal' will help us work through the recovery process.

It is in our heart, not our head - when adversity hits, the psychological reaction occurs in our head but the physiological reaction is felt in our heart due to our natural emotional response. Managing our thoughts will assist in managing the impact on our hearts.

Mistakes can feel like adversity - when we make an error, our inner critic is there to remind us of the need to stay within our safety barriers. There are few of us who truly don't care about anything, despite what they might tell us, there are very few exceptions. The more that we focus on the mistake then the greater it will seem.

Let it go - ha, let it go they say, easier said than done. Yet, we must do so once we have felt the guilt and regret. Languish for a short period, feel the emotions, and then set about making amends for your mistake.

You can make amends - it is said that we should make amends by apologising, repairing, or showing penance for our errors. They work, but so does promising yourself not to make the same mistake again and working on yourself to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Helping others who find themselves in the same situation as you did also can help you. Sometimes we make mistakes more than once, so what. "What did you learn this time" is what I would ask myself.

Survival is about time - all of us are born with the same basic functions, a set of hardwired rules designed to keep us safe from harm and survive should we stray outside the safety rails. Time is what we need: to feel the pain; to reflect on the mistake; to make amends; to heal.

You are not alone - whatever normal might be, you are just that, normal. You are not bad, you are not a fool, and you are not stupid. Many before you have, and many after you will, make the same mistake as you. Knowing that we are not 'different' provides a degree of comfort.

It is okay to say, "I'm not okay". Reach out if you are struggling to work through your mistake, the sooner the better. It takes more courage to reach out than it does to work through it, courage that we are all born with, our natural survival mechanism.

Take action - we must make a plan, visualise that plan succeeding, and then take action to achieve our objective. Visualisation comes second to making a plan and will not work by itself, just like you can't work by yourself when struggling.

Don't Push It Away - Get Curious!

If we push a negative thought, feeling, or emotion away, our brain can tend to hold onto it more because that is what our subconscious is designed to do. By getting curious and welcoming the thought, feeling, or emotion, our subconscious simply lets it go. We remove the negative attachment, we embrace the fear, and our brain says, "Nothing to see here, let's move on to something else".

Imagine the hay bale in the image below is our negative feeling.

We want to carry on despite there being an obstacle in our path, so we work hard to push the hay bale away so we can keep moving forward. An exhausting process that only leaves us feeling tired and frustrated, with the hay bale still sitting in front of us.

What if instead of trying to push it away - we paused, got curious and explored the hay bale - learning to acknowledge and welcome its presence? Upon doing so - we may find that by stepping around the hay bale - we can pause to acknowledge its presence, and then continue to move forward rather than using our energy to push it away.

Try doing the same with your negative feelings. As that nervous, sickly feeling arrives, get curious about it. Think to yourself - "Hmmm, I wonder why you are back, what are you doing here, what are you trying to tell me?" Why not go further by welcoming it back and focusing completely on the feeling? How does it feel, what part of your stomach are you feeling it in, is it moving around or is it static, is it increasing or diminishing, how long is it here for?

It's Time To Think!

If you have ever said - "How did they ever get that job", this post is for you.

If you have ever thought - "I could definitely do better than them", this post is for you.

If you have ever believed - "What would they know about...", this post is for you.

If you have ever wondered - "How the hell did they rise to that level", this post is for you.

If you have ever joked about someone because of their difference, this post is for you.

If you have ever snubbed someone because 'they don't deserve acknowledgement', this post is for you.

If you have ever had a second thought about saying something hurtful but did so anyway, this post is for you.

If you have ever agreed with someone who used a derogatory term, this post is for you.

If you feel like moving on from this post right now, then this post is definitely for you.

If you are still reading this post after all of the above then the chances are that you are not the one that this post is aimed towards. For you are a thinker, inquisitive, wanting to know where this post is going and how it ends.

For you have an open mind, you are curious, you challenge yourself, your thoughts, your emotions.

If you continued reading to this point then chances are you are doing what all of us should do, think.

I am ashamed to say that I would once fit into the above list. On occasion I catch myself still doing it.

We all have biases - learned from those around us - that we must challenge if the world is to be a more inclusive place. If we can think about our biases and change our actions before saying or doing what we do without thinking, then the world would be a much better place.

The greater the inclusivity, the greater the acceptance of differences, the easier it is for everyone to have some input. This equates to a wider range of knowledge and more ideas will be generated.

We can all change. My desire is to for me to continue to change. I will do so by reading posts that oppose my thoughts, that make me feel uncomfortable, that make me question my ingrained thoughts and actions. I will stumble, I will fall, and I will change.

I hope that this post has made you uncomfortable. That means you are thinking, challenging, and changing.

Let's talk!

The Ongoing Impact of Covid-19 On Our Wellbeing - How To Manage It.

I have been contacted by many people over recent weeks, including over the holiday break, concerned about their own wellbeing or that of a loved one. The most common concerns being mood swings, feeling more anxious, having a sense of being overwhelmed, with some believing they are falling down a dark hole.

Owners of successful businesses are having thoughts of abandoning their business despite having been in business for many years. Media reporters, many who have been reporting for 20+ years say they have never seen the hatred and anger they are now seeing.

Every organisation is facing unique challenges, the greatest challenges being trying to manage so much uncertainty and dealing with people with heightened emotions.

A simple search on the internet will reveal that violence has escalated over 30% globally in countries where lockdown was used to control the virus. Councils, government agencies, corporates, in fact every company we now work with are concerned about the escalation in aggression and violence they are facing and very concerned about staff wellbeing.

The cause - emotions. Emotions are coming out; they have to come out as the brain goes through a rebuilding phase following trauma. So why does this phenomenon happen and what can we do about it?

When trauma of any sort happens to us, our brain goes immediately into self-survival. It works overtime to help us get through the trauma to return us to certainty, the way it was before the trauma occurred. It does so by relying on our past as a benchmark.

More recent research, including a few studies following the recovery of those caught in the Christchurch earthquake, show that we do recover over time. It takes time. Two to three years before the emotions come out and five to eight years being the norm for the majority of the population to fully recover.

We can expect the feelings described in paragraph one of this post to continue for at least another two years and then a noticeable change to commence as the recovery begins and our brain finds its new certainty. Economists suggest three to five years before we will see any improvement in our financial resilience.

A study conducted in the UK revealed that lockdown had a huge impact on two critical factors to positive wellbeing - eating healthy foods and regular exercise. In the early stages of lockdown physical activity levels decreased, consumption of unhealthy foods increased, and levels of mental distress also increased correspondingly. 

A June 2022 study published by the University of Otago identified a concerning link between ongoing COVID‑19 disruption and worsening mental health for those most at risk. This study further revealed that the lockdowns disrupted people's circadian rhythm meaning that people were no longer getting a good night's sleep.

A further 2022 study on how the pandemic lockdown affected the wellbeing on Aotearoa New Zealand found that; where individuals were traditionally outwardly focused when looking for work comradery, social support, and health care, a change towards inward focussing behaviours occurred. In other words, we weren't socialising outside of our immediate network. Loneliness rose according to this additional NZ study.

In 2019 our world changed forever when the Coronavirus swept the world. It impacted every facet of our lives and our usual predictable patterns of behaviour where we found solace and security were irrevocably disrupted. Our brain went into hyperdrive to find certainty where there was none to be found.

We are currently in the emotional stage where emotions are coming out and will continue to for the foreseeable future.

The recommendation that we at WARN International make to our clients is to focus on Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Maslow did not have fMRI scanning back in 1943 when he developed this model, he simply studied people's behaviour in times of crisis.

If you want to help yourself and those around you, start with the first layer of his hierarchy, our primary physiological needs of - food, water, shelter, air, and sleep - to bring comfort through certainty. Eat natural foods high in serotonin as serotonin is a mood lifter, drink as much water as you require for your particular needs to keep the body hydrated, home is our shelter and sanctuary so focus on getting things right there, diaphragmatically breathe to fully inflate & deflate your lungs, and get six-to-nine hours sleep each night.

If you do all of these things then chances are you will feel safe & secure (our secondary needs), then focussing on your work will be much easier, hence you will then begin to socialise (tertiary needs) with others, which will lift your self-esteem (quaternary needs) and you will be able to become all that you were meant to become (quinary needs).

If I haven't convinced you that Maslow's model is still important for us, have a look at where the brunt of the aggression is falling currently - shops (provide food), those involved in construction (provide shelter) and hospitals (provide healthcare of which rest [sleep] is a large component of recovery).

City councils are bearing the biggest brunt of the aggression for they control the entire bottom layer of the Maslow model in our lives, our primary needs, though their regulatory teams.

Still not convinced; the two industries globally where people struggle the most with suicide - construction (shelter) and farming (food).

How does exercise fit into Maslow's model - in very early times we had to physically hunt & gather our food - now we don't even have to walk to the supermarket today, we can have our food delivered. Exercise is second only to sleep as a critical need for our wellbeing.

Looking back in time can be very helpful as we move into the future for that is what our brain does naturally to predict our safety moving forward. We are in the moment while our brain is looking to the future to ensure our safety, basing its prediction on our past experiences.

The further back we look the more helpful it can be for our wellbeing. For it was in the very early times of humankind that our fight-flight-freeze responses developed and therein lies the answer to much of our wellbeing issues of today. Simplicity in its purest form.

Focus on the simple things to better-manage the complicated ones. Start small, don't push too hard. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. For, “The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” - Confucius.

Let's talk!

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