Emotions, Thoughts, and Feelings.

Researching for my next book, I was intrigued to understand how our thoughts originate. Do thoughts make us emotional and is that why we sometimes have a low mood because our thoughts were of bad things. Those who have seen my presentations, been to my workshops, or have read my posts, will know that I am big on mantras.

One mantra I continually espouse - "Let's start thinking about what we are thinking about". Is this a valid thing to say and which then has more control of our current mood: our emotions, our thoughts, or the way in which we feel about a particular situation?

Emotions are regulated from inside of our limbic system and are part of our fast-acting automatic survival network. The limbic system contains the thalamus and hypothalamus (hormone regulation) basil ganglia (habits, rewards, movement & learning) and two major parts, the hippocampus (memory centre) and the amygdala (emotional response).

If we are in a certain situation, our automatic risk management system reviews and compares that current situation to either our ingrained or learned memory so that we can respond with the appropriate emotion. Emotions occur unconsciously and mostly happen before the thought or feeling.

A thought is something that we do in our mind, consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously. We just don't know that we are thinking a thought until it becomes conscious. When the emotion occurs first, the thought appears in our conscious mind.

A thought is simply an electrical signal that passes between neurons. Each time these cells communicate, the brain builds a connection to make it easier for them to communicate again in the future. Thus, the continued thought builds a neural pathway. The more that we think about something, the stronger the neural pathway becomes and the harder it is to break away from that particular thought.

Our thoughts are just as important as are our emotions when it comes to how we feel. For example, neuroscience shows us that if we allow our thoughts to wander, as in the case of daydreaming, our thoughts will eventually become negative and our mind will bring us back to reality with a jolt. Our mood will become negative and we will feel low.

If we want to daydream, we should reframe the word 'thought' to 'imagining' and control our imagination in order to avoid the resulting negative thought. Therefore, thoughts are not only our ability to form ideas but they are often the link between our emotions and feelings.

Feelings result from our interpretation of events and sensations, including from our emotions. Hence, feelings are essentially the result of our emotions and thoughts; we feel emotions because they are linked to memories which we think of at the time of the emotion.

Therefore, all three - emotions, thoughts, and feelings - are interconnected with the majority of science saying emotions are of foremost importance in the scale of mood change. However, I propose that we can effectively influence our mood by either controlling our thoughts or by getting involved in an activity that stimulates positive feelings.

I want you to think right now of a positive event in your life such as an enjoyable holiday. As you do so, your limbic system sparks with a positive emotional response which makes you feel happy. Similarly, if we do an activity that we enjoy, we will experience a positive emotion and will feel great because our thoughts become more positive with that connecting emotion.

It makes sense then that changing our thoughts can have a positive effect on our emotions and on our corresponding feelings. But, there is a proviso. According to some studies, how we think about our emotions has a critical impact on our wellbeing. According to a study conducted in 2018 by the University of Toronto, participants who believed that emotions are controllable were better able to efficiently reappraise a situation and were much less depressed. 

Importantly then, it’s the way that we view our emotions and thoughts that is the catalyst for changing how we view events. For example, if we see emotions as simply information for our brain to work with at any given time then we have a greater opportunity to control them.

In sum, emotions often occur first and are unconscious. The thought then results from that emotion which leads us to feeling either happy or sad according to the initial emotion. However, as those of you who took the time when reading this post to think of the enjoyable holiday or event will know, that happy thought engaged your positive emotions and correspondingly lifted your mood.

So, what are you thinking about right now? Make it a positive thought to make a positive change.

Let's talk!

Why Can't Our Suicide Statistics Be Kept Current?

When I started this company six years ago, all of our work was in the customer service industry and focussed on two key areas - de-escalation and personal resilience. As the world evolved, so did the needs of our clients, they wanted a greater focus on emotional support for the wellbeing of their staff.

In the last three years, the focus for our clients moved more and more towards supporting staff and their clients who were facing tougher times. Anxiety, depression, and suicide (sadly) was increasing and becoming a genuine concern. Given my previous role, we were more than happy to assist by providing solutions on ways to manage people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts.

Our fear, given the recent pandemic having an impact on most of us, is that this increasing trend may become a spike in the coming months.

Remaining abreast of trends is important for all businesses, none more so than those who are involved in health and wellbeing. Statistics form a major part of identifying trends as we all have seen recently with the response to COVID-19. Governments around the world use, or in some countries stopped using, statistics to guide them with their decision making.

Just as the information that we rely on when making decisions, statistics must be gathered from reputable and validated sources. Most importantly, they must be current if they are to accurately determine trends and assist in finding solutions.

In providing support to organisations who are dealing with suicidal clients and staff, we use both statistics and anecdotal evidence. Why anecdotal evidence, because the accurate statistics are too slow therefore can't determine trends. Prevention requires prediction.

We are being told that businesses must become more agile, learn to pivot, become more nimble, and the many other catch-words used to describe how we should adapt to our changing environment.

Why then, when it comes to suicide statistics, can't our government agencies become more agile, to pivot, or to be nimbler?

Having worked in the Coroner's office, I get it that a formal determination of suicide cannot be made until after the hearing. However, given there can be a lag between the death and the hearing, we are left with a statistical void. The numbers at the time of reading are inaccurate as a result therefore trends will reflect that void. This is unsafe.

I ponder, if the current procedure is to remain, is it possible to have a 'pending' statistic just like we do for the pandemic?

Playing on our minds lately has been the noticeable increase in the number of people reaching out directly who are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Additionally, having just spent the last few weeks reaching out to our clients to see how they have been faring, many share an anecdote of people they are aware of who have committed suicide. Anecdotally, they are business owners.

Searching for statistics to see if this perceived increase in suicide amongst small to medium business owners might be a growing trend has been fruitless as current numbers aren't available!

As small to medium business owners struggle to remain afloat, with unemployment expected to increase, and with an environment of continued uncertainty into the future, the risk factors are high for a spike in suicide. Yet, we have no way of truly knowing without accurate statistics.

If you are reading this post and are in a position where you need help and support, please get in touch with the many services available. If you are truly struggling, I implore you to please seek professional help from your doctor or from a help line. We are also here if you feel that we might be able help you in some way because we stand with you as a small business. And, we will do so at no cost.

Know this, you will get through this and we will get through this. Together.

Let's talk!

Why Don't They Simply Reach Our For help?

Have you ever wondered why people don't ask for help when they are struggling with nenegative or suicidal thoughts? I do, most of the time. The single answer still eludes me despite researching the topic for decades now. It is that there is no single answer that makes suicide prevention so challenging yet one that we cannot shy away from.

Is it the hardwiring of our brain that stops us from asking for help? For many of us, our default setting is to decline assistance and to go it alone. If I were to ask you when I first greet you "How are you doing?", I bet your first reaction is to say "Good". If I were to ask you if I can give you a hand with something you were working on would your first thought be 'No thanks, I've got this'.

Is it because we are community-oriented creatures, wired to help others? I want you right now to think of one thing that you are grateful for in your personal life, one thing that you are grateful for in your work life and one thing that you are grateful for about yourself. Chances are, the majority of you would answer it is family and/friends for your personal life, your colleagues or those we help for your work life, and you may have to stop and think for a moment ot two about what you are grateful for about yourself. Why didn't we think that 'we are here for those around us' when thinking about ourselves?

Is it because we fear what others might say or do? Fear is what keeps us alive; fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of being hurt, fear of what others might think, fear of.... Fear keeps us in our comfort zone so that we remain safe. Fear is also the reason why we tend to run in patterns of behaviour because it is the known, the unknown makes most of us uncomfortable at best.

Is it because we have made a terrible mistake? Perhaps we made an error of judgement, no matter how small it might seem to others yet to us it is a major error. We think about that error over and over until it becomes completely our fault. All the time, our inner critic beats us up about the error making us feel like we have truly failed.

Is it because we don't want to hurt those around us? As we go through the intense pain, emotional and physical, we are hurting deeply. And, as we look to those around us who ask us what's going on, we don't want to pass that same hurt on to them so we keep it to our self. We love you and don't want you to feel what we are feeling because it is intensely painful.

Is it because of our natural negativity bias? If we haven't learned how to adapt to adversity and to our ever-changing environment then we tend to look more for the danger around us than we do to the positive things.

Is it because we are more empathic than others? Empaths see the pain in others and want to help that person to manage the pain yet by doing so they take on the other person's pain. They care for others so much so that they forget about caring for themself.

Is it because we tend to worry more than others do? Worry is not a wasted energy, it is not needless, it provides us with solutions just as a risk management plan might also do. However, if we worry about the wrong things or allow worry to become our 'go to' default then we only see risk without a solution and miss seeing the positives.

Is it because our brain isn't functioning as it should? Irrational thoughts become rational to us, small issues become insurmountable, what we once held on to for hope we now find none, where we were once able to help ourselves we find we can no longer do so.

How will we truly know why a person doesn't ask for help when they are struggling with suicidal thoughts is to ask them when they are in that dark place, maybe then they will tell us their reason as to why. And, chances are, they will give you an answer that makes no sense. But it does to them.

Asking a rational person how they might behave if faced with an irrational situation has no value because they either have not, or are not, in that exact same place. It is a very different world when we are in 'that place'. Rather than finding out why people don't reach out for help when they are struggling with negative or suicidal thoughts, it might be better to find out how we can identify when people are struggling and how to manage them safely, for you both.

How can you tell if someone is struggling with negative or suicidal thoughts? They isolate themselves, they can't sit still in the early stages as their mind races to find a solution, there is a very noticeable change in their usual behaviour, and they won't look directly at you when you talk with them. That's the first signs.

What do you say to someone who looks to be struggling with negatrive or suicidal thoughts? "You haven't been your usual self, I deeply care about you, what's going on?"

Let's talk!

What To Expact From Here.

As the world continues to evolve through the recent event, what can we expect to see unfold in ourselves in the coming weeks and months? The true answer is that no one really knows so we can only surmise by using comparisons of previous significant events that impacted our lives.

One thing that is certain, most of us will be psychologically impacted in some way, to a greater of lesser degree, following the pandemic. Many will work through this event without much of a lasting impact on them while others will not go unscathed.

For the most part, how we are personally impacted depends on a number of factors.

As we go through significant events in our lives, our brain tightens as it works to make sense of what is occurring to manage the challenge. During this time, all of our energy is brought to the fore and we have complete focus on getting through it. We tend to be much busier than usual because sitting around allows too much time to think about the possible negative consequences.

As we come out of the significant event we start to relax our thoughts which allows our brain to 'untighten' as our minds processes what we have just been through. It is in this twilight period where we need the greatest support for our wellbeing.

How will you know how much of an impact the pandemic has had on you personally?

Research shows that it is the closeness of our personal connection to an event that is the greatest indicator of how much we will be negatively impacted as an individual. Those who have lost a loved one, who have lost their job, or who have worked in an emergency response role will probably be the most affected and will need to look out for the signs of stress in themselves and in their colleagues.

Additionally, those whose physiological needs were impacted in some way - food, water, shelter, air, or sleep - should be also be alert to the signs that things aren't quite right. Lastly, those within close proximity to all of those mentioned above should also look out for signs of weakened wellbeing in themselves from a secondary response more commonly occurring in partners of those with PTSD.

What are the signs that we might expect to see in ourselves and in others as the coming weeks unfold? We may become more anxious, worried, irritable, angry, or lethargic. Our sleep will be disrupted, our mood will drop, we won't have the same sense of purpose, and we will avoid social situations. Our diet will likely change to craving sugar or fat-rich foods, alcohol and/or drug use may increase, we will likely feel that we have less control than previously, and we may relive some of the negative events from the past weeks.

In short, our usual behaviour changes significantly.

What can we do to lessen the oncoming negative impact of this event to help ourselves and those around us?

  1. Connect with others - talk with those around you about what is going on for you, I guarantee others are thinking and feeling the same things as you are. Talk, talk, and talk some more with as many people as you feel the need to. Know that you are not alone, none of us are immune to being psychologically impacted in some way.

  2. Control your thoughts - when your mind wanders to negative things, bring it back to the moment by taking a deep breath and sigh. Then, focus on what is directly in front of you no matter what that might be. We always have one thing that we can control when things seem uncontrollable, ourselves.

  3. Stick to patterns - try and adhere as close as possible to your usual patterns across each day. Timing is indeed everything so wake up, get up, work, eat, rest, exercise, and connect at the usual times. Monitor your diet, your alcohol intake, and your personal hygiene to keep them in check.

  4. Avoid stressful situations - reduce social media use, read and watch only validated facts, be around those who you want to be around, slow yourself down to avoid any unnecessary increase in stress, and do what you want to do not what others suggest that you should (except perhaps for what I am telling you here).

  5. Accept the situation - as much as you can, accept that things are the way that they are and work as much as possible to improve your current situation. Don't rush, recognise what is happening around you, make a plan, and then move forward.

It is what it is because it was what it was, it's what you do now that matters.

As we return to work, expect the unexpected. It will be different, initially. We will all experience a roller coaster of emotions as our brain unravels the past event. 'Be kind' is what we have been told that we should do when dealing with others, and we should be.

More importantly for me is that you 'be kind' to yourself.

As we adapt to our new normal we will learn so much about ourselves. We will learn that we are all better than we think we are and stronger than we think that we are. For we, as humans, are the probably the most adaptable species that there is. We've got this, together.

Let's talk!

Is My Pain Real Or Imaginary?

My heart is breaking, my head feels like it is being crushed, my stomach aches so bad. Emotional stress is felt throughout our body, it is not just limited to our over-worked mind. As people are tragically losing loved ones, losing their job, and losing their sense of control during this pandemic, we can expect them to feel real pain.

It is important to understand that the person who is experiencing this type of physical reaction from any loss is not simply going through a challenging time, for them it is a comprehensive and all-encompassing tragedy. And they are feeling it in every way possible.

There are not making it up, they are not being overly dramatic, they are not being precious or seeking attention. They are truly feeling the loss in every sense. They are fully connected, mind and body, which indicates that they need your help more than ever before.

Although our brain doesn't process emotional pain and physical pain identically, research on neural pathways suggests there is substantial overlap therefore our reactions to pain are very similar regardless of it being from a physical or emotional cause.

The sensation of physical pain is not imaginary because intense emotions activate the pain centre in our brain close to the limbic system. Pain is received by the thalamus before being sent to the cerebral cortex for processing. This process causes us to feel genuine pain in the same way that we feel pain when we break an arm.

Furthermore, neuroscience demonstrates that negative emotions like anxiety, stress, depression, and anger amplify the pain.

Validation is what psychology suggests works to reduce the emotional state of another person, and it does work extremely well. Validation is unbelievably effective at reducing the emotional impact on another person. In crisis negotiation terms, we call it acknowledgement, acknowledging that what the person is going through is very real.

An emotion that is expressed is disarmed. An emotion that is acknowledged is more so. And, an emotion that is shared is unconditionally disarmed.

Conversely, invalidation can be destructive to the person feeling the physical pain. Telling someone who is feeling physical pain from an emotional experience that: it is all inside their head; they need to snap out of it; there are many worse off than you; or that you aren't willing to discuss it, will only make things worse for the person.

So, what can you do to help someone who feels physical pain from an emotional event? The same things that you would do if you were to help someone who had a physical injury, because that's what they have.

  1. Sit and listen, not sit and talk - let them express how they are feeling and truly listen to their words.

  2. Validate and acknowledge - say that what they are feeling is very real and very normal.

  3. Be there with them - don't just be there for them, also be there with them at every step.

  4. Make a plan - when the time is right, sit and write out a plan of action, their plan in their words, for what they can do to overcome their situation that has caused the loss.

  5. Work at their pace - don't push, don't rush, don't help by doing it. Let them help themselves to provide them with a sense of hope.

Unfortunately, the ongoing repercussions from the pandemic will last longer than we would wish it to. Many of us are going to need genuine support, the support of those around us. We are community creatures who are wired to look after each other, starting from our family, to our friends, to our colleagues, and then to those who we may not know.

If you are feeling the physical pain from an emotional event, know that you are normal and that you aren't making it up. The pain you are feeling is real and all pain is felt the same regardless of the cause.

Let's talk!

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