Why Don't They Simply Reach Our For help?

Have you ever wondered why people don't ask for help when they are struggling with nenegative or suicidal thoughts? I do, most of the time. The single answer still eludes me despite researching the topic for decades now. It is that there is no single answer that makes suicide prevention so challenging yet one that we cannot shy away from.

Is it the hardwiring of our brain that stops us from asking for help? For many of us, our default setting is to decline assistance and to go it alone. If I were to ask you when I first greet you "How are you doing?", I bet your first reaction is to say "Good". If I were to ask you if I can give you a hand with something you were working on would your first thought be 'No thanks, I've got this'.

Is it because we are community-oriented creatures, wired to help others? I want you right now to think of one thing that you are grateful for in your personal life, one thing that you are grateful for in your work life and one thing that you are grateful for about yourself. Chances are, the majority of you would answer it is family and/friends for your personal life, your colleagues or those we help for your work life, and you may have to stop and think for a moment ot two about what you are grateful for about yourself. Why didn't we think that 'we are here for those around us' when thinking about ourselves?

Is it because we fear what others might say or do? Fear is what keeps us alive; fear of failure, fear of loss, fear of being hurt, fear of what others might think, fear of.... Fear keeps us in our comfort zone so that we remain safe. Fear is also the reason why we tend to run in patterns of behaviour because it is the known, the unknown makes most of us uncomfortable at best.

Is it because we have made a terrible mistake? Perhaps we made an error of judgement, no matter how small it might seem to others yet to us it is a major error. We think about that error over and over until it becomes completely our fault. All the time, our inner critic beats us up about the error making us feel like we have truly failed.

Is it because we don't want to hurt those around us? As we go through the intense pain, emotional and physical, we are hurting deeply. And, as we look to those around us who ask us what's going on, we don't want to pass that same hurt on to them so we keep it to our self. We love you and don't want you to feel what we are feeling because it is intensely painful.

Is it because of our natural negativity bias? If we haven't learned how to adapt to adversity and to our ever-changing environment then we tend to look more for the danger around us than we do to the positive things.

Is it because we are more empathic than others? Empaths see the pain in others and want to help that person to manage the pain yet by doing so they take on the other person's pain. They care for others so much so that they forget about caring for themself.

Is it because we tend to worry more than others do? Worry is not a wasted energy, it is not needless, it provides us with solutions just as a risk management plan might also do. However, if we worry about the wrong things or allow worry to become our 'go to' default then we only see risk without a solution and miss seeing the positives.

Is it because our brain isn't functioning as it should? Irrational thoughts become rational to us, small issues become insurmountable, what we once held on to for hope we now find none, where we were once able to help ourselves we find we can no longer do so.

How will we truly know why a person doesn't ask for help when they are struggling with suicidal thoughts is to ask them when they are in that dark place, maybe then they will tell us their reason as to why. And, chances are, they will give you an answer that makes no sense. But it does to them.

Asking a rational person how they might behave if faced with an irrational situation has no value because they either have not, or are not, in that exact same place. It is a very different world when we are in 'that place'. Rather than finding out why people don't reach out for help when they are struggling with negative or suicidal thoughts, it might be better to find out how we can identify when people are struggling and how to manage them safely, for you both.

How can you tell if someone is struggling with negative or suicidal thoughts? They isolate themselves, they can't sit still in the early stages as their mind races to find a solution, there is a very noticeable change in their usual behaviour, and they won't look directly at you when you talk with them. That's the first signs.

What do you say to someone who looks to be struggling with negatrive or suicidal thoughts? "You haven't been your usual self, I deeply care about you, what's going on?"

Let's talk!

What To Expact From Here.

As the world continues to evolve through the recent event, what can we expect to see unfold in ourselves in the coming weeks and months? The true answer is that no one really knows so we can only surmise by using comparisons of previous significant events that impacted our lives.

One thing that is certain, most of us will be psychologically impacted in some way, to a greater of lesser degree, following the pandemic. Many will work through this event without much of a lasting impact on them while others will not go unscathed.

For the most part, how we are personally impacted depends on a number of factors.

As we go through significant events in our lives, our brain tightens as it works to make sense of what is occurring to manage the challenge. During this time, all of our energy is brought to the fore and we have complete focus on getting through it. We tend to be much busier than usual because sitting around allows too much time to think about the possible negative consequences.

As we come out of the significant event we start to relax our thoughts which allows our brain to 'untighten' as our minds processes what we have just been through. It is in this twilight period where we need the greatest support for our wellbeing.

How will you know how much of an impact the pandemic has had on you personally?

Research shows that it is the closeness of our personal connection to an event that is the greatest indicator of how much we will be negatively impacted as an individual. Those who have lost a loved one, who have lost their job, or who have worked in an emergency response role will probably be the most affected and will need to look out for the signs of stress in themselves and in their colleagues.

Additionally, those whose physiological needs were impacted in some way - food, water, shelter, air, or sleep - should be also be alert to the signs that things aren't quite right. Lastly, those within close proximity to all of those mentioned above should also look out for signs of weakened wellbeing in themselves from a secondary response more commonly occurring in partners of those with PTSD.

What are the signs that we might expect to see in ourselves and in others as the coming weeks unfold? We may become more anxious, worried, irritable, angry, or lethargic. Our sleep will be disrupted, our mood will drop, we won't have the same sense of purpose, and we will avoid social situations. Our diet will likely change to craving sugar or fat-rich foods, alcohol and/or drug use may increase, we will likely feel that we have less control than previously, and we may relive some of the negative events from the past weeks.

In short, our usual behaviour changes significantly.

What can we do to lessen the oncoming negative impact of this event to help ourselves and those around us?

  1. Connect with others - talk with those around you about what is going on for you, I guarantee others are thinking and feeling the same things as you are. Talk, talk, and talk some more with as many people as you feel the need to. Know that you are not alone, none of us are immune to being psychologically impacted in some way.

  2. Control your thoughts - when your mind wanders to negative things, bring it back to the moment by taking a deep breath and sigh. Then, focus on what is directly in front of you no matter what that might be. We always have one thing that we can control when things seem uncontrollable, ourselves.

  3. Stick to patterns - try and adhere as close as possible to your usual patterns across each day. Timing is indeed everything so wake up, get up, work, eat, rest, exercise, and connect at the usual times. Monitor your diet, your alcohol intake, and your personal hygiene to keep them in check.

  4. Avoid stressful situations - reduce social media use, read and watch only validated facts, be around those who you want to be around, slow yourself down to avoid any unnecessary increase in stress, and do what you want to do not what others suggest that you should (except perhaps for what I am telling you here).

  5. Accept the situation - as much as you can, accept that things are the way that they are and work as much as possible to improve your current situation. Don't rush, recognise what is happening around you, make a plan, and then move forward.

It is what it is because it was what it was, it's what you do now that matters.

As we return to work, expect the unexpected. It will be different, initially. We will all experience a roller coaster of emotions as our brain unravels the past event. 'Be kind' is what we have been told that we should do when dealing with others, and we should be.

More importantly for me is that you 'be kind' to yourself.

As we adapt to our new normal we will learn so much about ourselves. We will learn that we are all better than we think we are and stronger than we think that we are. For we, as humans, are the probably the most adaptable species that there is. We've got this, together.

Let's talk!

Is My Pain Real Or Imaginary?

My heart is breaking, my head feels like it is being crushed, my stomach aches so bad. Emotional stress is felt throughout our body, it is not just limited to our over-worked mind. As people are tragically losing loved ones, losing their job, and losing their sense of control during this pandemic, we can expect them to feel real pain.

It is important to understand that the person who is experiencing this type of physical reaction from any loss is not simply going through a challenging time, for them it is a comprehensive and all-encompassing tragedy. And they are feeling it in every way possible.

There are not making it up, they are not being overly dramatic, they are not being precious or seeking attention. They are truly feeling the loss in every sense. They are fully connected, mind and body, which indicates that they need your help more than ever before.

Although our brain doesn't process emotional pain and physical pain identically, research on neural pathways suggests there is substantial overlap therefore our reactions to pain are very similar regardless of it being from a physical or emotional cause.

The sensation of physical pain is not imaginary because intense emotions activate the pain centre in our brain close to the limbic system. Pain is received by the thalamus before being sent to the cerebral cortex for processing. This process causes us to feel genuine pain in the same way that we feel pain when we break an arm.

Furthermore, neuroscience demonstrates that negative emotions like anxiety, stress, depression, and anger amplify the pain.

Validation is what psychology suggests works to reduce the emotional state of another person, and it does work extremely well. Validation is unbelievably effective at reducing the emotional impact on another person. In crisis negotiation terms, we call it acknowledgement, acknowledging that what the person is going through is very real.

An emotion that is expressed is disarmed. An emotion that is acknowledged is more so. And, an emotion that is shared is unconditionally disarmed.

Conversely, invalidation can be destructive to the person feeling the physical pain. Telling someone who is feeling physical pain from an emotional experience that: it is all inside their head; they need to snap out of it; there are many worse off than you; or that you aren't willing to discuss it, will only make things worse for the person.

So, what can you do to help someone who feels physical pain from an emotional event? The same things that you would do if you were to help someone who had a physical injury, because that's what they have.

  1. Sit and listen, not sit and talk - let them express how they are feeling and truly listen to their words.

  2. Validate and acknowledge - say that what they are feeling is very real and very normal.

  3. Be there with them - don't just be there for them, also be there with them at every step.

  4. Make a plan - when the time is right, sit and write out a plan of action, their plan in their words, for what they can do to overcome their situation that has caused the loss.

  5. Work at their pace - don't push, don't rush, don't help by doing it. Let them help themselves to provide them with a sense of hope.

Unfortunately, the ongoing repercussions from the pandemic will last longer than we would wish it to. Many of us are going to need genuine support, the support of those around us. We are community creatures who are wired to look after each other, starting from our family, to our friends, to our colleagues, and then to those who we may not know.

If you are feeling the physical pain from an emotional event, know that you are normal and that you aren't making it up. The pain you are feeling is real and all pain is felt the same regardless of the cause.

Let's talk!

Work With The Flow, Not Against It.

As we go through various levels of change in our new world, nothing changes when it comes to our wellbeing. Having seen, read, and researched about wellbeing, we can make predictions about what most of us will be seeing and feeling as we learn to adapt to our ever-changing world.

The rules are very much the same when managing any of life's challenges:

  1. Take your time - as you work through the whatever issue you face, don't make any rash decisions or say things that you might later regret. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

  2. Find the facts - limit where you seek guidance from to just a few reputable sources, and fact check those sources.

  3. Focus on your immediate needs - food, water, shelter, and social connection. Importantly, breathe fully as you go through your day.

  4. Take action - our mind likes to work so get it working on taking positive action.

  5. Seek help - always seek professional help if you are truly struggling with negative thoughts.

Our brain prefers to run in a pattern and may find it discomforting when the pattern is disrupted. Our neural pathways are why we have habits, why we run in patterns, and why we enjoy certainty. These pathways have been described as superhighways, the more that we do something or think about something the larger and stronger the highway becomes.

I prefer to think of neural pathways as rivers. Why?

A superhighway is difficult to get off, you have to force your way through traffic to the side of the highway, remaining highly alert as you do so to avoid having an accident. Then, you have to continue along the highway waiting for an offramp that leads you to who knows where. Fight against the flow of traffic and it is likely that you will cause carnage.

A river on the other hand, can be much easier to get out from. Slowly work your way to the shore using the energy of the water to support and guide you. There is no need to look out for others, just yourself, as you slide off to the side towards the riverbank. You can see where you are heading as you move slowly towards the riverbank and can also see the sanctuary of solid ground on both sides of the river that will provide additional comfort.

Try to fight against a river and it will simply spin you around without too much harm. If you do go under the water take a deep breath knowing that you will always pop back up at some point. Think to yourself, 'for this too shall pass', eventually.

When struggling with negative thoughts, use the energy around you rather than fight against it. Take small steps rather than large ones, relax in the flow when you need to, watch the direction of the current to see where you are heading, focus solely on staying afloat, and shout out to a lifeguard if ever you need one.

The flow of the river will always take you close to shore at each bend, keep working your way towards the shore and climb out of the river when the time is right for you, not when there is a predetermined offramp.

For those of you who might be thinking that a river is not a good analogy because rivers can be too strong to climb out from, reduce the size of your river by focussing on what is directly in front of you in the knowledge that you can form a new river by digging at the side of the bank of the fast-flowing river to form a tributary. Change one small thing each week.

It is far too difficult to change the flow of a superhighway, for it is fixed in place.

Let's talk!

Freeze, Rather Than Fight or Flee.

On occasion, when threatened with immediate and intense danger, we may freeze rather than go into our automatic fight-or-flight mode. We become temporarily paralysed, frozen to the spot.

Those in high-risk occupations know that, regardless of how much training they undertake, often in threatening situations they will revert back to the primary instincts of fight-or-flight briefly before returning to their training - generally to fight. Our evolutionary automatic nervous system response is so strong that we have trouble overpowering it.

When faced with most dangers, we make a decision within a millisecond based on what we perceive to be danger. If it appears that we might be able to overcome the danger, our sympathetic nervous system kicks in and we get a rush of adrenaline and cortisol to provide instant energy to fight. If it seems that the danger is greater than our ability to overcome it we will have a similar response so that we can run.

As with fight-or-flight, the freeze response is part of our autonomic nervous system, it occurs outside of our conscious control. The difference being on this occasion that our freeze mode occurs when we can't make the decision to fight or to flee, our parasympathetic system engages and our heart rate decreases rather than increases as it does with fight-or-flight.

These three automatic responses tend to occur in the order of fight, flight, then freeze depending upon our perceived ability compared with the level of danger. If we think that we can overcome the danger we will fight, if we think that the danger is greater than our ability we will run, and if it appears the danger is insurmountable we will freeze whilst the situation unfolds to allow us time to process what is occurring.

Additionally, in freeze mode our brain has the ability to shut out the danger altogether. (Warning, graphic detail). As a former police officer, entering a room where a person was in the process of dismembering another, when I looked at what was occuring I did not see all of the horrific details. My brain stopped processing the information to protect me, my thoughts froze.

Therefore, freeze can be a positive response when we are faced with an immediate high-risk situation where we need to stay safe until we can make a clearer determination. An emergency response process that many organisations promote is the STAR technique - Stop, Think, Act, and Review. It uses our freeze mode as the first response.

Stop what you are doing, Think about your action, Act on the action, then Review your action once the danger is over. In our practice, we use the same technique in a modified form. Stop and Think are conducted simultaneously by taking a deep breath to clear our thoughts, then Act by either 'staying' (fight) or 'going' (flight).

There is ever-increasing physiological evidence connecting our breathing patterns with the brain regions that control our mood and emotion therefore our response to danger. We can overcome, or certainly reduce, our automatic fight-or-flight response through controlled breathing to engage our parasympathetic system and thus utilise our freeze mode.

Furthermore, research conducted at the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania found that our olfactory system neurons, our sense of smell, appears to play a greater role in the connection between rhythmic breathing and our emotional regulation. This is confirmation that all breathing should be undertaken through the nose rather than through the mouth for swifter control of our automatic response. 

Freeze is an option that we might want to consider as we start to emerge from our lockdown resulting from COVID-19. Our brain has been under constant strain over the last few weeks processing loads of information and will be tense and tired. As we go into a new level of freedom, close to one that we once knew, our brain will begin to unwind and rest.

Yet, as we learn to adapt, we will again begin to process loads of information meaning our brain will become tense once again as our mind tries to figure out how to keep us safe. As we move to our next level, we can expect emotions to be heightened, in ourselves and in others.

Therefore, when uncertain, when worried, when anxious, or when feeling overwhelmed, engage your parasympathetic system by taking a long, slow, deep diaphragmatic breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Breathing, such a simple tool yet one that is so powerful.

Let's talk!

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