Negotiating the Non-negotiable

As a crisis negotiator, it is important to quickly engage with those who you are talking with, particularly if they are threatening to take a life. There are some simple techniques that I once used to secure a peaceful end to what seemed like an impassable situation. You can use these when holding a difficult conversation, negotiating in a challenging situation, or simply want to make an impression;

What Have You got That They Need? - There is a reason the other party is talking with you, you have something that they need or want. Work out what it is that you have and they need, and how much you are prepared to give up for providing it. Then double it! If they need it and want it, they can pay for it. Never undersell yourself.

Control Your Body and Your Voice - When we are nervous, we speak louder, faster, and longer. During intense/difficult conversations, over 55% of communication is visual, 35% is HOW we say something, the remainder is the actual words. Holding a pen in the hand that you write with will control your uncontrolled facial micro-expressions and also help to reduce your volume.

Two ears, and one mouth - Encourage the other person to talk twice as much as you do. By doing this you are making it about them, allowing them to tell you everything about what they want, allowing them to vent, and making them feel as though they are in control. Of course, you are the one controlling the conversation by doing this.

Communication Today is HOT - Honesty is the best policy, if you get caught lying you have lost all credibility. Be Open to new ideas and suggestions, listen to what they have to say. Get To the point, no longer do we need to go through extended niceties, get on with it and show them that you are willing to go to the heart of the matter.

Don't Be Afraid - Show confidence with your head up and hold a strong body position. Have a bottom line and stick to it. Provide a reality check if they are suggesting something that is ridiculous or is below your bottom line. Take a time out if you need to regroup, this will show that you are in charge and won't be bullied.

Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last - Humility, honesty, and humour, three H's that are traits others respond to positively. Recognise and acknowledge the other persons skills, be truthful in what you promise, and a joke at your own expense relaxes the other person.

You can negotiate what seems like the non-negotiable, all it takes is a few simple guidelines, being open-minded to suggestions, and compromise. It is the later point that causes us the most challenges in difficult negotiations. Compromise. You don't have to win, let that stuff go, you just have to find an agreed way forward.

Let's talk!

Sleep, An Impossibility For Shift Workers!

Three things in life keep us well - socialisation, exercise, and sleep - the latter being the most important one of all. Evolutionary, our best sleep time is from 11 pm to 7 am. What about shift workers who have to work during this natural sleep period? For one thing, they get unbelievably tired around 3 to 4 am.... I have met people who work permanent night shift yet still struggle with sleep patterns despite their regularity.

It is said that for those who work shift work, it is important to try and adhere as close as possible to the body's natural circadian rhythm, and this is true for most people. However, some of us don't have the ability to do so. As a cop, I would work night shift and come home to look after our children before they went to school, no chance of sticking as close as possible to the natural sleep cycle then.

Here are some simple things that might help those of you who struggle with sleep when working outside of the natural sleep pattern;

  1. Work in the light - try to expose yourself to as much bright lighting as possible over your night shift to keep you awake and alert.

  2. Eat lightly - have a large meal at the start of your shift, not in the middle. Snack on protein and fruit if you get hungry across your shift.

  3. Keep busy - avoid napping to get you through the night, this will only interfere with your sleep patterns.

  4. Avoid caffeine, completely - do not eat or drink any product that contains caffeine while working night shift. Caffeine remains in the body for long periods of time.

  5. Avoid smart technology for the last 3 hours of your shift - the blue light in smart technology mimics the blue light of the sun and you will start to produce melatonin, which is helpful to get to sleep. However, know that it takes 3 hours from the time the sun goes down until melatonin starts to work.

  6. Unwind before bed - spend 30 minutes winding down when you get home before heading off to bed, this will help relax your brain.

  7. Replicate the night - your room should be as cold, dark, and quiet as possible. Our forebears once slept in caves, keep your room under 15 degrees Celsius, use blinds and curtains, double glazing or earplugs will help eliminate noise. (Some people use 'white' noise to mask other sounds).

  8. Split your sleep - get as much sleep as possible in the first instance, then get up. Go back to bed in the early evening and try to catch up on lost sleep.

  9. Have a routine - it is difficult to do, but a must if you want to be consistent in your patterns of sleep. Try as much as you can to have a set ritual before going to bed, the same ritual every time. Mine was to have a light snack along with warm milk, have a shower, darken my room, glass of water by the bed, listen to the radio for 5 minutes then head down to sleep. Every day, no matter what, never change the ritual.

  10. Avoid alcohol, sedatives, or other sleep aids - as with most things, it is the quality not the quantity that matters. you are far better to have three hours of deep relaxing sleep rather than five hours of restless sleep.

Finally, don't stress about it. Easy to say and hard to do, I know. Worrying about how much sleep you need/are getting will only add to your dilemma. If you do need to have a coffee on night shift, do so. If you want to take a sleep aid, go for it. Struggling with strictly adhering to what others say about what you should and shouldn't do will only stress you further.

I got the best sleep when I found out what worked for me, may I suggest you do the same.

Let's talk!

Energise Your Brain Quickly.

It's 3pm, you've had a big day so far, and you have 2 hours until the end of the day. The slump sets is, so you grab a coffee and/or a sugary snack to get you through the longest 2 hours of your life. And the same happens the next day, and the next day.

Often, you aren't tired, your brain has simply run out of fuel. Your tank is empty so the brain reduces its output and you slow down. According to science, our brains run on glucose and can burn up about 120g daily, that's 60% of the entire glucose consumption in your entire body. And that's while resting! Now you know why you crave sugar towards the end of your day.

It once was once thought that fatty acids fuelled your brain, apparently not. Ketone, produced by the liver, fuels the brain also, but only in starvation. (With new technology comes new discoveries and we can now learn more about our bodies and how to look after them.)

So, how can you get past that 3pm slump? Here are five quick fix suggestions on refuelling your brain when you get tired, lethargic, fatigued;

  1. Move it - moving around will produce endorphins, increase oxygen flow, produce neurons in the brain, burn off cortisol, and much more. A 15-minute fast-paced walk at lunchtime will get you through the afternoon.

  2. Hydrate - 80% of your brain consists of water, you need water for your brain to function properly. Pure water, not coffee, tea, sodas, or any other fluid that might contain diuretics which will dehydrate you even further.

  3. Smile - The 'feel good' neurotransmitters dopamine, endorphins and serotonin are all released when we smile. The muscles in your face tell your brain that you are happy. This not only relaxes your body, but it can lower your heart rate and blood pressure.

  4. Look forward to it - Looking forward to good things coming up in the future will generate similar chemicals to those produced when you smile. Look forward to something coming up at the end of the day, in the weekend, a holiday coming up, a significant event, anything that makes you smile when you think about it.

  5. Nap time - a short 15-minute nap allows your brain to rest and recover. This is technique doesn't work for everyone, some people will wake up feeling worse than before they had their nap and may be cranky for the afternoon. Additionally, not all employers will want their staff sleeping on the job...

There you go, simple things to energise your brain. Don't grab that chocolate bar, grab the water bottle instead, and smile while you do so.

Or learn more in our online courses:
The Brain: Emotions and Breathing

How Are We Different?

Following on from my last post where I showed how similar we are in the way we process information and that our thoughts are so similar, there are some variations that make each of us different to each other and can make us believe that we all think differently.

Let's look at some of the major differences;

Gender - Evolutionary, men have learned to suppress most emotions, with the exception of joy/happiness. If they showed fear for example, men were killed by their enemy or by wild animals. Men have taught ourselves to compartmentalise emotions, speak mainly from their logic brain, and to suppress emotions with bravado and humour.

Women on the other hand have always, quite rightly, shown emotion; they had no evolutionary need to suppress emotions, they have always expressed how they feel, they speak from both the logic and the emotional part of their brain, and they openly talk about any concerns they may have.

Age - The older the person, the longer the sentence is a reasonable guide with generations. Technology has greatly influenced the way in which younger people communicate - say it in a photo rather than with words. The way each of the generations react when angry is also different; Traditionalists go quiet, Baby-Boomers express anger by raising their voice, Gen-X's also yell but quickly move on, Gen-Y's express how they feel in two words, the second word being "you" or "off", while Gen-Z's use just one word, "Whatever" and walk away.

Culture - Culture is introduced from when we are born and has a strong influence on how we behave, our acts, not on how we think. Culture is more about social norms. Our culture can also have a major impact on our values, what we consider important us and how we behave in various situations.

Personality - This is the main factor that confuses us into believing that we all 'think' differently. Our personality is formed in early childhood and is a combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviour. Personality is how each of us view the world. Two major factors influence our personality - what we inherited from our parents (genetics) and the world around us (our circumstances). Nature and nurture. Twins will have different personalities despite having the same parents and what seems like the same environment. However, many studies have shown that we may not treat our children exactly the same, unconsciously of course, which can impact strongly on personality. Then there is their friends, their schooling, their music......

How often have you sat in a meeting or coaching session and thought of a question to ask but were afraid to ask it and then someone else asked the same question and everyone in the room said, "I was going to ask that", or "Yeah". And you then wished you had asked the question first. Resonating with you?

The majority of us, psychological and medical variations aside, all think the same way. Wouldn't it be fantastic if we all talked about what we are thinking?

Let's talk!

Change Can Be Frustrating, It Needn't Be.

Sometimes we struggle after having decided to make a change in our life, and oftentimes we give up without really knowing that we have given up until we realise that we are back into our old patterns of behaviour. Additionally, when we're trying to make a change in our life, or perhaps to achieve a goal, we become frustrated that things aren't happening fast enough.

Research is overwhelming, and I don't think we needed research to confirm this, life is getting faster and faster. Life is also getting more complicated for some and as a result of that, more frustrating if you are unable to keep up with these advances.

The result, we seem to be angrier and sadder than we have ever been in our lives because of frustration. Or are we?

Those who have been around for a while, baby boomers or older, will know that we aren't actually angrier than we've ever been before. We have always been angry. It's just that these days we are unafraid of verbalising our frustrations whereas previously we tended to keep it to ourselves.

Because the rest of our life is moving faster and faster through technological advances, we expect the same fast result when it comes to our personal endeavours.

Advances in technology, in particular those that have been made in the field of medicine, is fantastic. Science is now able to tell us a lot more about how our brains process information, how we can influence our behaviour though our thoughts, and how we can make improvements in our lives.

For example, we know that it takes longer than 21 days to change a habit. It is actually 60 to 80 days depending on how ingrained the habit is that you want to change. We also know that when it comes to achieving goals, we shouldn't write down more than five. One is more than enough to make a real impact on our life.

Here's a quick guide on changing habits and setting goals, both of which go together. If you want to achieve a goal you have to change something that you are currently doing. Most often, you are needing to change a lifetime habit;

  1. Identify the one thing you want to change that will make the biggest impact on your life.

  2. Look at all of the factors that are currently contributing to that area of your life you want to change.

  3. Now choose just two of those factors that will give you the fastest improvement with the least amount of effort. Choosing more than two and you will soon find yourself being overwhelmed and giving up.

  4. Identify the way in which you can introduce those two factors into your life with the greatest of ease and without causing frustration.

  5. Mark the date that you start on a calendar, then count out 80 days and place another mark. That is the day that you no longer have to concentrate on introducing the two factors, they will be ingrained into your brain.

You can then repeat the process for the next change in your life. And then again, and then again, and then again. By taking smaller steps we can achieve larger goals, it is about embedding patterns of behaviour.

If you find yourself falling back into old habits, don't beat yourself up about it, know that that is just part of the process. 50% of who we are is hereditary, it comes from our parents, it's in our DNA if you like. The other 50% is you and what you have done in your life. Therefore, you are able to change at least half of your behaviour because it's yours, it's you.

There is no quick fix when it comes to breaking habits or making changes in our life. The sooner that we realise this, the easier it is to accept which reduces the frustration that often comes with trying to change a habit or achieve a goal. Don't get frustrated, get determined, you got this.

Let's talk!

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