Is It Just Me?

The more that I interact with others, the more that I present to audiences, the more questions that I am asked, the more research that I carry out, the more studies that I read, the more and more that I realise that we are all so similar.

Yes, there are gender difference, ethnicity differences, generational differences, personality differences, social differences, the list goes on. However, we are all so similar in our thoughts that we can focus on generalisations to help ourselves. And, isn't that what research is, for the majority?

Here's a list of things that you may have thought you were alone in your thinking, and ways to help overcome them;

  1. I am not good/strong enough - Imposter syndrome, you are good enough, you can always do better, that's why you are where you are today.

  2. I need to wait until - Your brain likes to run in patterns of behaviour, habits. There is no waiting, start today, right now, this instant.

  3. He/she is successful because of... - They are successful because they took a risk, they were committed, they worked hard, they had passion, they drove themselves to succeed. You can do the same if you behave the same way.

  4. I wish I could laugh/cry/yell more - You can, but why do you need to? These are simply emotions and emotions are nothing more than information pertaining to a particular situation. Data in a computer as it is often described.

  5. When I get this done I can relax - You will never finish, there's always something else to do, there's another job to do. So, relax in the knowledge that you are working towards being a better person, helping others, and contributing to society.

  6. The person I talk to inside my head is much younger than I am - Yes, we all have a much younger person as our inner guide. Acknowledge him/her, just don't let him/her hold you back. It is an immature you who is afraid to move forward in case you make a mistake.

  7. I am getting old - Reflection comes with age, as does wisdom. Focus on the present, make the most of the time you have, resist the aging process, embrace that the fact that you are currently alive.

  8. Life is passing me by way too fast - It's not, physics tells us this. You are busy, which is a good thing, you simply aren't focussing on the here and now. Bring yourself back to the moment and stop that continuous self-talk.

  9. I wish I had/hadn't - Guilt and regret are designed to remind you of risks/danger and to add to your pile of learning. Instead, reflect on the good that you have done and add to your pile of good things.

  10. Why can't I be like everyone else - You are, in so many ways. There's about 10% difference in all of us, the circumstances into which we were born. The rest is so similar it will reassure you that you are not alone.

How many of these 10 items did you think that you were alone in? At least two I suggest. Socialisation is the key to most things in life, talking with others. Imagine if you told someone what you were thinking, in a nice way of course.

Our brains are hard-wired to socialise. Let's talk!

Should I Be Afraid Or Embarrassed?

No and no! Asking for help when you need it, sharing a story when things seem insurmountable, apologising when you make a mistake. Each of these things are in our nature, hard-wired into our brains, part of our common traits.

There is no doubt that people have become increasingly isolated with the advent of social media, the very thing designed to bring us closer together. The missing part of social media is of course, face-to-face conversations.

Messaging back and forth may work on occasion, talking with someone on a phone is okay, video calls are second best, talking in person is the ultimate method when communicating with others.

'Moderate' users of social media use the service sparingly across the day. 'Regular' users tend to use social media first thing in the morning, maybe during a break, and then last thing in the evening. 'Heavy' users are on social media for a large portion of their day. Research tells us moderate use is the best for us - we enjoy it more, it doesn't dominate our life, we have increased contentment, and we don't become isolated.

The three most important things that you can do for your wellbeing are; socialisation, exercise, and sleep. Get these three simple things right and our lives tend to become more balanced.

Using social media can be a part of the socialisation process, yet an unintended consequence is that, the more we use it the less likely we are to talk with actual people. From that comes increased reluctance to ask for help when we need it most, stemming from fear and/or embarrassment.

There is no shame in falling over, there is no shame in making mistakes, there is no shame in not achieving what you set out to do. The shame is actually not feeling we are able to ask, share, or apologise.

Never ever be afraid to ask for help, never ever be afraid to share your story, never ever be afraid to apologise. Most importantly, never ever be afraid or embarrassed to talk, no matter what the reason.

When we converse with others in person, we are participating in a centuries-old practice - sharing, caring, helping, listening, telling, laughing - the very things that make us who we are as humans.

Let's talk!

Overcoming Complacency

Noel Burch introduced a model in the 1970s outlining the stages of competency. In it he describes the stages of learning that all of us go through when we start a new role;

  • Unconsciously incompetent - we aren't very good in our role and don't know it therefore aren't alert to risk.

  • Consciously incompetent - we are aware that we aren't very good at our role therefore are guarded to risk.

  • Consciously competent - we are familiar with the role, reasonably good at it, therefore are guarded to risk.

  • Unconsciously competent - we are so good at our role we are doing it without much thought therefore aren't alert to risk.

Accidents and mistakes tend to happen at stages one and four, it is the unconscious state where danger lies. Furthermore, at stage four we become complacent and our mind wanders off onto other things. It is also where our unconscious bias creeps in, things appear to us to be a certain way when they are not.

We have spoken previously about the difference between a routine and ritual, a routine is where we go about our day in an unthinking fashion whereas in a ritual we are doing the very same things and fully alert.

Science tells us that our brains are working harder than they've ever done so before. Baby boomers have between 50 to 70,000 thoughts a day, generation-X have over 90,000 thoughts. We are now overthinking and over worrying way too much. We need to take back control of our wandering mind.

There is a simple technique to remain alert across your entire day, it is used frequently by the military when out on patrol for days and weeks on end. Every so often they stop, look around, and focus on likely areas of risk and danger. They may even say inside their heads "What's different, what's changed, where's the danger?"

Additionally, after they have rested, soldiers refocus their attention by determining what they are going to achieve for the next period and how they going to achieve it. The greatest risk in the workplace is becoming complacent after a break. Those who follow the game of cricket will know that there is a high likelihood of a batter going out immediately following a break.

By employing two simple techniques; 1) Remaining alert - being consciously competent and 2) Refocusing - looking ahead to what you want to achieve following a break, we will reduce overthinking, over worrying, and control our unnecessary thoughts. We will also reduce the risk of harm to ourselves or to others.

Two further techniques you may want to consider adding to your day;

  1. Start your day the way you want it to go - if you are running late and rushing into work, have you noticed how you tend to run all day and never seem to catch up? Set your alarm clock 15 minutes ahead of when you think you should rise in the morning to allow for contingencies so that you won't be running late for work.

  2. Plan and end your day with a briefing/debrief - when you arrive at work, plan out as much as possible what you want to achieve in your day. At the end of your day look back and see what you achieved and ask yourself "What went well, what could I have done better?"

Employing simple techniques helps us to remain alert, aware of danger, makes our day seemed to go much faster and assists us to achieve more. Mindfulness, who would have thought?

Let's talk!

Life Is Different For Us All.

Here are 10 things I learned about people in distress from my time as a crisis negotiator;

  1. Life can be hard - Life is different for all of us. What is challenging for one person is a joy for another. Never disparage how the other person is reacting to a particular situation, for them it is as bad as your worst fear.

  2. It's never one thing - There is always more than one thing going on in our lives, that's the way life is. Chances are if things are going well, there will be lots of good things going on in your life. Conversely, if one bad thing is happening, there's a high possibility that other bad things are happening simultaneously. And, when we are thinking about that one bad thing, we will be reminded of the other bad things which multiply that one thing.

  3. It's always something personal - Ultimately, what tends to take people down is something in their personal life, something that has stabbed them square in the heart, hurting them dearly. That is where the main difference occurs between each of us, what is personal to you may not be so personal to me.

  4. Everything seems insurmountable - It is difficult to envisage how distressed someone is if you have never been there or you are currently in a good place yourself. If you have ever had a frightening experience, regardless of what it was, imagine that same feeling happening to you continuously, without abating. Now double that feeling by thinking of another time when you were afraid. Now add something sad to those feelings.

  5. They are sensitive to the world around them - If I could identify one commonality with those I have spoken with who were in the mire, it is that they are sensitive to life. They feel with greater intensity, they ruminate over mistakes thinking of how they might have hurt someone. When someone shares a personal story with them, they take on the same emotions that the other person is feeling.

  6. It's the hardest thing that they will ever do - moving on from disappointments and from life is the most difficult thing they will ever do. We are asking them to forget their emotions, to bury their feelings, to dismiss everything that they have ever felt, to think logically when logic has long gone, to ignore their life.

  7. We are stronger than we think we are - Have you ever amazed yourself at how well you did when you took on a challenge? Are you in a place now where you had never thought you would ever get to? Do you have something that you never thought you would ever have? We are better than we think we are, we just need to remind ourselves of it. Continually.

  8. Only you can help yourself - People can support you, people can encourage you, people can assist you, people can give you ideas, but only you can help you. It is up to you, it is your life.

  9. Talking is not enough - We all have our crosses to bear, and sometimes we need to bare our crosses to help us move forward. Talking about problems does help, research is overwhelming on this fact. Unfortunately, talking is not enough to fix things, to make things right again, the issue will remain unless we do something about it.

  10. Change just one thing - The affected person has to take some form of practical action to start to make a change in their life. One little thing can make a big difference if it is done regularly enough. There is always something that they can do, even if it is burying what has happened by moving forward.

If you are finding yourself in a dark place where everything is overwhelming, change just one thing. Get uncomfortable, get selfish, get going. The sooner the better, trust me on this.

Let's talk.

Men Need To Hug Each Other More...

As technology advances, so does our understanding of the brain. The Mars & Venus differences of the 1990's have now been largely dismissed as we know that men and women think the same way, feel the same way, and process information the same way. It is the way in which we communicated that led us to the Mars and Venus conclusions. We then reinforced the stereotype because it was what we were told was correct so we adhered to that perception.

If you don't believe me, ask a man to tell you truthfully what he is thinking when he sees a puppy, a kitten, or a new-born baby for the first time. I'll tell you what he is thinking - "Isn't that just the cutest thing, gorgeous, beautiful". What comes out of his mouth - "If that dog pees on the carpet I will kick it outside", "That cat better not scratch me", or "Congratulations on your new kid, let's go and celebrate."

Science, through advances in technology, now shows us the true picture of what is taking place inside our brains. And we are mostly all the same, men and women, with just a slight variation being the circumstances into which we were born. Technology can also show us what we are feeling, our emotions. Emotions are something that all of us have, the exception being just a few people who were sadly raised inhumanely.

All of us have the same emotions, five of them in fact, divided into the following categories - joy/love/happiness, fear, grief/sadness, anger, and envy/guilt/regret. Notice how just one of them is positive, joy. The others are all negative which leads us to having a negative bias. This means we all have to work a little harder to remain happy.

So where did the Mars and Venus theory come from? It was the way in which we communicated that gave rise to it. Men communicated mostly from their left brain bringing unemotional logic to the conversation. Additionally, because it was uncomfortable for men to talk about emotions, they often went straight to the solution as a way of quickly end the conversation. Women use all of their brain - left and right - to bring logic (left) and emotions (right) when conversing. Yet we now know, and have always known intuitively, that men and women think the same way.

How did this happen, why did men stick to logic when communicating yet have always felt the same emotions as women? It is my strong belief that men learned to suppress emotions throughout evolution. If men showed emotion thousands of years ago, fear, we were killed by our enemies. If we showed love, we were ridiculed as not being 'manly'. If we showed grief, we were told to harden up.

Furthermore, why is it that women are underrepresented in depression and suicide? Because they talk about their emotions, they are unafraid to say how they feel, they communicate their issues to others. What do men do; they bottle it up, hold back their emotions, dismiss their feelings.

Communication began to change in the 1980's through medium, we no longer needed to talk face-to-face with others, we could send people a text message. This isolated us even further from human contact and made it easier to tell someone how we feel. Today, young men in particular, are unafraid to tell others how they feel. Often it is not done so in person, it is communicated through social media. They vent their feelings to the world only to later regret their actions which adds to their current struggle.

Men and women are so similar today in the way we think, feel, and now communicate. Young men are struggling with this concept of telling others how we feel yet it is a must if we want to overcome our struggles, we should be embracing it.

What else can men learn from women apart from talking about our problems, we can learn to hug. 'Men don't hug men enough' in my humble opinion. We once did thousands of years ago, if only to check to see if the other person had weapons hidden on them. Oxytocin is a strong chemical associated with bonding and is released when we hug, and oxytocin is known to have great physiological and psychological benefits.

So what can men do to help themselves - talk about their problems and hug, more so than they currently do. Men, tell others what you are thinking, tell others what you are feeling, tell others what you are considering. And, hug it out. Give your mate a slap on the back as you hug them if you want to make it ‘manlier’, just ensure that you hug each other more. A talk and a hug can do miracles to relieve your unwanted feelings.

Let's talk (and hug)!

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