Be Yourself, It's Much Easier.

One of life's pressures for some of us is to try and change who we are according to what our family, friends, professionals, society or others say that we should do. This can cause anxiety and stress in our lives when we believe that we are not conforming to the expectations of others.

Sure, it's good to be fit, it's good to be mindful of what we eat, it's good not to smoke, it's good to avoid too much alcohol, it's good to have a work/life balance, it's good to keep our minds occupied, and it's good to conform to norms when appropriate.

The problem that some of us have is that we spend far too much time trying to change ourselves, trying to follow a strict regime, trying to get the work/life balance right, trying to conform to what others suggest of us. And this simply increases our stress levels as we try to meet those expectations, expectations of others and of our self.

A classic pressure that we put ourselves under relates to our physical health - we are told that we need to eat right, drink right, smoke less, eat less, exercise more, the list goes on. Yes, these are all good things to consider, but so is your mental health.

Striving to do all of the aforementioned suggestions places us under pressure, pressure that can easily turn to anxiety and stress if we believe we aren't meeting those expectations.

Our brains are wired in such a way that it is often difficult to make changes in our lives because what we want to change is deeply ingrained in or brain. It takes to sixty (60) to eighty (80) days to change a habit. Just one, single, solitary habit.

To reduce this tension that goes on inside of our heads, choose just one thing that you want to change in your life, something that will make a real difference to you, something that you want dearly to achieve. Then, focus on that single thing for eighty days minimum. When this new habit has become instinctive, i.e. a habit you no longer have to think about, pick just one more thing to change.

Over a year, you shouldn't try to change more than three habits, your brain won't like it. If you try to change too much at once your brain will become overloaded and will resist the changes. A conflict will occur inside your head, your brain will begin fighting with your mind, arguing about what is the right thing to do.

Each of us is very different, and that is what makes the world an interesting place. Relax, there is no such thing as the ultimate person.

While it is very important to look after ourselves, and I am an advocate that you should do the right thing as much as you can for your health, don't stress if you aren't or can't.

Be yourself, there is only one of you, you are unique, you are special.

Let's talk.

What NOT To Say!

When we know that someone is struggling, perhaps depressed, maybe they have depression, or worse still are having suicidal thoughts, it is important to support that person as much as possible.

Encouraging them to seek expert help is very important. However, sometimes the person does not want to get that help. The reasons for this are varied - I can fix myself, I am not mad, I just need time, things will get better, I am not as bad as you think I am - all of these thoughts are going through the struggling person's head.

Previously, I have spoken on what to do and say to the person you want to help, this time I will cover what NOT to say;

• "You'll be okay" - Reassure them by all means, but this statement sounds dismissive.

• "I know how you feel" - You may have been through something similar yourself however each of us is different. We can make generalisations but there are always unique differences with each of us.

• "Snap out of it" - Do you not think that they would have done do if it was so simple? Recovery time varies for each of us and it is often so slow that it is almost unrecognisable.

• "Harden up" - This will make most people worse because they will feel like a failure. It won't work for anyone.

• "This has been going on for far too long now" - Maybe it has, so what, they are still with you! It can be a swift dive down into the depths of despair but it is often a long and slow road back.

• "We all have our crosses to bare (tell everyone about)" - I am embarrassed to say that I once was a supporter of this mantra, until I became unwell. Each of us does have a cross or two to bare, we should help each other to carry the burden if we can.

• "I read about this cure" - While well-meaning, people can be overwhelmed by those wanting to help. Know that there is a lot going on inside the head of someone who is struggling, they don't need more information to add to their self-talk.

• "Have you tried..." - Similar to the sentence above, they probably have tried whatever you are going to suggest.

What should you say - "I am here for you for whatever you want or need. You are going through a tough time, I can see that. Please let me know if I can help and how I can do so. Take your time, I'll be here whenever you need me to be. If it's alright with you I will check in with you every now and then, it's no trouble because you mean a lot to us."

Let's talk!

Will I Ever Get Well Again?

On occasion, I am asked the question by those who are either depressed (beaten down from the pressure of life) or have depression (a clinical diagnosis) - "Will I ever get well again?" That's a tough question to answer. No two of us are the same, it depends what caused your illness, how deep down you are, whether you need medication, your current environment, the list goes on.

The important point - if you do nothing then there is little chance of recovery.

Seeing your doctor to get a referral, or go directly to a trained psychologist/psychotherapist is the very first thing that you must do. Without hesitation. You can try other things - mindfulness, meditation, yoga - but without expert help as to which treatment is right for you, you may never recover.

The next step to take is to follow what you have been told. Other people and other things might help, but you have to take action yourself, it won't come to you.

Taking a pill might help, and you should do this if you are advised to, but waiting for a magic pill to work is not enough. The mind, body and soul must be treated together.

Some people get comfortable in the mire, with being depressed or having depression, because it is known to them. They get comfortable waking up each day with the same thoughts, feelings and emotions so there is nothing 'different' to them.

The third thing to do is to believe in yourself, believe that you will get well, believe that you have the strength inside you to fight, believe that you won't go back to where you are now. Inner strength is powerful, more powerful than I ever thought it could be.

The power of the mind is incredible, you can train it to do almost anything if you dig deep enough and persevere.

I was, and still am to a large extent, a skeptic. Believe no one, believe in nothing, believe that life just happens. That's not the case for all things, most things you do have some control over, the greatest control you have is over your thoughts. You can choose them, trust me on this.

The best explanation I have read about the mind, or our thoughts, is that our mind originates from our brains (yes, brains) working in unison to form our thoughts. The mind then operates our brain, apart from the automaton system. Therefore, you have the ability to control your mind, to control your thoughts.

Going back to the original question, "Will I ever get well again?" Yes you will, or close to it. You may be weak and vulnerable in some areas, but other areas of your brain will awaken to support the weaknesses or vulnerability.

The bottom line, you won't get well if you do nothing.

Let's talk!

Are We There Yet?

How often have we heard that as parents when we are travelling? Children just want to get there as fast as possible. Eventually we reach our destination, do what it is that we came to do, and then travel back home to the same chorus of, "Are we there yet?"

We never stop travelling on journeys, and while we reach destinations, there are always more journeys to take. Well, maybe at the very end we reach our final destination, if you know what I mean.

I once was an advocate of slowing down, smelling the roses, savouring the journey as we travel. I tried it and disliked it. The fact is, I get bored very easy. I last about an hour if I have nothing to do, I get fidgety when on holiday with just sitting by the beach, I hate not being near shops, travelling on a tour bus is not for me, you get the picture.

Sitting typing this post at the airport while heading home from working overseas, should I be relaxing, some would say so. Would it be enjoyable for me in doing so, not at all? Is that wrong? I don't think so.

Life is a journey with lots of destinations that we spend time at for a short period before moving on to the next. It's what we do as we travel our journey that is important, more important I think than listening to what other people tell us that we must or must not do.

Each of us is very different. I relax by staying on the go. Others relax by reading a book, others by adventure sports, the list goes on. I now say - do what it is that makes you the most relaxed. 'Do one thing a day that makes you smile' is my new mantra.

Research is great, I base all my work on contemporary research. But at the end of the day, research is 'for the majority', not the totality. Research tells us that we should take time out to rest, relax, recuperate. And we should, but it's how we do this that is different for each of us.

Adhering strictly to what others say that you should do may in fact have the reverse effect, it may make you worry that you aren't doing what you should be doing because others said that you should. I knew someone who was told he should exercise more so he took up running. He hated running but drove himself to do it because he was told it would be good for him.

It's just like giving up an unhealthy habit, we know it is bad and that we should stop, this worry simply adds another layer to the unhealthy habit. Do what you believe is right for you, if it feels right then it is. You are unique.

Relax, don't stress, do what you believe is right for you. After all, looking at the roses as you walk by can be just as beneficial as stopping to smell them for some of us.

Let's talk!

Life Is A lot Like Driving Along A Damaged Highway.

Recently, I was asked to travel to a town in New Zealand, named Kaikoura. As I had to be in another town the following day, I had to be back home that evening no matter what. Kaikoura is quite some distance from where I live, it’s a 1.5-hour drive to the airport, a 2-hour plane ride, then a 3.5-hour drive.

Kaikoura suffered large earthquake which caused damage to the town and surrounding roads, leaving it more isolated then it is usually is. To drive from the airport to Kaikoura, I had to take the longer inland road due to major repairs underway on the main arterial routes, this route was also under repair.

I rose at 4.15am to get to get to the airport in time to catch the first flight out. I uplifted a rental car which had kindly been upgraded by the rental company. Along the way I stopped off for a break to ensure that I was fresh when I arrived, not knowing soon after that I was to be continually slowed by roadblocks after this break.

Watching my GPS monitor, I wrongly assumed that it would predict any slow portions of the route. Stopping off was a mistake, these delays meant that I may not get to the venue on time. Two lane bridges were reduced to one lane, the road narrowed in parts so that travelling at the posted limit was far too dangerous, sheep being mustered along the public highway could not have been anticipated, a truck reversing out of a side road, an automatic control system allowing traffic to flow in the opposite direction despite no traffic being there, and a myriad of other distractions and interferences worked against me.

Despite all of this, I arrived well ahead of time and delivered a 3-hour presentation that was well-received.

Because I knew that it was going to be a slow drive back to catch my plane, I decided to change my return flight to a later time. I resigned myself to the fact that I would be late back home and would be tired the following day, nothing unusual there.

On the drive back to the airport from Kaikoura, the roadworks had ceased, the sheep were gone, traffic was flowing in the opposite direction to me, I had no hold-ups whatsoever. However, thinking to myself, I could never catch the earlier flight as I had to fuel the rental car, park it, race inside the terminal, get through security screening, change my airline ticket back to the original flight; the risk of rebooking to the earlier flight and missing it was too much of a risk.

However, after doing all that I needed to do, I got to the airport in plenty of time to make the earlier flight and time to have a quick bite to eat before boarding.

I reflected on my journey a few days later, and likened my trip to life. Here’s what I pondered;

• Planning and preparation is everything – if you want to succeed at anything, planning and preparation provides the greatest chance of success.
• You are going to hit roadblocks – any amount of planning and preparation may not be enough to get what you want, when you want it. Flexibility and perseverance are the keys to reaching your goals.
• Potholes are everywhere - there is bad in everything good, and good in everything bad. Focussing on the good parts of the journey will help us deal better with the bad things along the way.
• No one expects sheep on the road - life has a way of throwing things at us when we least expect it, it’s how we respond that is important.
• Resigning ourselves to the fact that we aren’t going to reach our goal when we expected to can also be an invalid determination – when good fortune comes your way, grab it with both hands without hesitation or looking for reasons as to what could go wrong.
• Despite how advanced we are, technology can never be relied upon – technology has made our lives easier, yet technology has also complicated our life. Additionally, technology is notoriously unreliable.
• Make good use of those around you – if I had stopped to ask a local I may have been able to relax more and enjoy the long journey. Asking for help isn’t a weakness, it is a strength.
• The end result might still be the same - if I had the confidence in my planning abilities I might not have worried so much. After all of the self-imposed stress, the end result was the same as I had originally planned. Trust in yourself.

The most important thing I learned from this 16-hour day, enjoy the journey. I will never get the opportunity to travel that same road again under the same circumstances. I wish that I had enjoyed it more while in the moment.

Let's talk!