Was It Worth It?

Three years ago, I left NZ Police without any regrets. My time was up, 22 years was enough. I joined police so that I could have security of employment and to become a community Constable. I managed to do a little more than that and was so proud to have worked for Police, and still proud of the work they do. Good people doing amazing things and for the most part, unnoticed.

I started a business based on what police had taught me - honesty, determination, and humility. It started with an idea, expanded inside my head, had wonderful support from my family, and guidance from ex-colleagues of NZ police who had gained valuable insight.

Tonight, I reflect on the last three years while on holiday in an amazing place, with my wife. How lucky am I? Yes, it's been hard work, yes I don't know when to slow down, and yes I still make mistakes. But what a fantastic journey.

The pressure from developing new research-based programmes, from ensuring that I cannot be challenged on what I provide, from standing in front of new audiences each day, from being asked to speak to the media about police issues without offending my former colleagues, to providing up to four 2-hour sessions in a single day. Each brings its own challenges.

I still don't know how to provide balance to my life. I teach it, but don't follow it. And I doubt that I ever will. On my headstone will be written "He didn't follow his own rules". What I do enjoy, is helping others. Whether it comes from a genuine desire to help, or to be the centre of attention, is a moot point. I am still helping people, just like when I was in the police.

As I sit with a glass of wine after a great meal following a lovely day, I am feeling so grateful. Grateful for what the police taught me, grateful to those who support me in my work, grateful for the many inspirational messages I receive following my workshops, grateful to my family for supporting me in so many ways.

Why am I writing this post, apart from telling you how grateful I am for my journey from depression to exaltation? Because I never thought that I would be where I am now. I wonder how many of you reading this are in the same place as I was 18 years ago? Treading water trying not to drown.

Life has a way of lifting us up and slapping us down. I have learned one thing in my journey, when things become hopeless, there is always hope. Hope which comes from those around us.

Thank you for reading my rant. I hope it makes sense and might inspire one person to stretch themselves, to reach out, to keep going, to take a chance, to make a difference.

Let's talk!

Write Down Your Goals - With a Pen.

Setting goals has been around for many years, and I often get asked why it is that setting goals works for some people and not for others. There are a few tips that I use which I have found helps me;

1. Always use a pen - humans have been using a stick to draw, paint and write things since the beginning of time. You must write your goals down using a pen which will lodge the goals in your subconscious. Our subconscious brain does not recognise goals that are typed.
2. They don't have to be SMART - personal goals do not have to be framed as Specific, Measurable, Action-Oriented, Realistic, or Time-bound. Your brain likes to be engaged so be as creative as you can without too many constrictions.
3. Actionable - your goals MUST be actionable, you can't write down "I am going to win Lotto". And, buying a ticket for Lotto is not an action. It must be something that you have to get actively involved in and work on over time such as "I am going to pass three university papers before the end of the year".
4. Take action - sitting back and hoping that you will achieve your goals won't work. Keep taking small steps towards your goal. Goals aren't some kind of a magic trick or like the book 'The Secret', once you have written them they won't suddenly appear as completed. Keep referring back to your goals so that you can keep taking small steps towards them.
5. No more than five - as our brains tend to work in 3's and 5's, three is a good number of goals while five is certainly achievable. If you have too many goals your brain will become overwhelmed and you won't achieve as much as you had set yourself.

There's no time like the present, once you have read this post grab a pen and notebook and write down three goals. Then, take some form of action towards each goal. Watch the magic unfold from there.

Three Simple Techniques To Stop Negative Thinking.

Each of us is different, that's what makes the world a fun place. While for the most part our brains are all the same, ask any neuroscientist, the way we process information is slightly different. This is why you will often hear people say "It depends where you fall on the continuum".

Some of us will be more positive than others, some less so.

One thing we know for sure is that each of us worries, each of us catastrophises, each of us talks negatively to ourselves, and each of us over-thinks. It's just the degree to which we do these things that differs for each of us.

Because we have a negative bias, worry is something that we are all programmed to do to keep us safe from harm. As you may know, 50% of worry is hereditary, you can't change it. Fortunately, the other 50% of worry is nothing more than a bad habit, which of course you can change.

When we worry, catastrophise, talk negatively to ourselves, or over-think things, adrenaline and cortisol is released into our bloodstream. It's all part of the fight-or-flight response and is bad for you, unless of course you are getting attacked.

There are many techniques to reduce worry, meditation is probably the best, as is practicing mindfulness. If you have the time to do it that is. I know, exponents of meditation will say that you should make time, and they are absolutely correct. Some of us on the other hand have very busy lives, others of us just can't see ourselves 'meditating'.

For those of us who don't have the time to meditate, or can't picture ourselves doing this, or who might dismiss meditation as nonsense (shame on you), here are some other things that you can do to reduce worry by half;

1. Replace worry with a happy thought - if you have a strong happy memory, usually this will be of a holiday, stop for a second and think about that memory.
2. Mindfulness - bringing yourself back to the present. Some will say that you should focus in great detail on a tree, a bird, the bubbles in a glass of water, or something that you can see in the present. For me, it's reading something on your desk, a few words is enough. The bonus of reading is that we do so from the left side of our brain, the calm side where your logic sits.
3. A practical action combined with a thought - because our fight-or-flight response has a physiological and psychological component, the fastest way to control it is by countering with a physical and psychological action such as; blink your eyes and say 'no' or 'stop' inside your head (to yourself, not out aloud), slap your leg and say to yourself "come on", "let's go", or "move on". The best method is the tried and true - flick a rubber band on your wrist, the psychological part of this action is the pain.

All of these suggestions are about distracting us from our negative thinking, breaking patterns of behaviour.

It takes 60 to 80 days to change a habit, not 21 days. At 21 days your brain will tell you that you got this and encourage you to stop. It's lying, ignore it and keep going.

If you persevere, you will prevail. Perseverance is the key, as is talking to others about our worries.

Let's talk!

It's Just A Thought!

"Who do you talk to the most across your day?" I pose this question during my communication and resiliency coaching sessions. There are varying replies - my partner, our customers, my friend - only a few come up with the correct answer.

You talk more to yourself than every other person combined.

Talking to yourself can be expressed as; a thought, an idea, rationalising a situation, a voice inside our head, and many other descriptions. They all have the same meaning, it is best described I think as self-talk. You are doing it right now as you read this post - some of you will be agreeing and may even be nodding your head as you read, others will be disagreeing and may stop reading now because you don't like what I am saying.

When you 'think' about something, you are too a large extent, talking to yourself.

Hence, it is very important to firstly be aware of your thoughts. You may have heard the saying, "You are what you think you are", or "You can do anything you put your mind to", or maybe "If you think you can or you think you can't you are right".

The mind is a powerful tool, you can use it to achieve wonderful things - overcome fears, control pain, change unwanted habits, reach goals, and even to dive down into depression. I bet you didn't see that coming, now what are you thinking right now? How's the self-talk?

When we let our thoughts get away on us, it will often focus on the negative. Your brain has a negative bias which means that you focus for a lot of your day on what could go wrong rather than what went right. Your brain is wired to look after you by searching for danger and to admonish you when you do something wrong.

As you search for danger, you talk to yourself. When you do something wrong, you may later be filled with guilt and regret. That's your negative bias at work.

We have over 70,000 thoughts each day, isn't that crazy? That's why it is important to be aware of your thoughts and to stop them when they go down the negative stream. Why, because your brain also is wired to exaggerate the negative, to catastrophise. It is also designed to over-think, to predict, to self-blame, there's apparently 50 of them.

Think back to the last time you worried about something, the longer you pondered over it, the worse it seemed. And did what you were worried about eventuate, no. If it did, it was never as bad as you thought. Am I right? It's not magic, it's human behaviour.

It's more than just a thought, self-talk can change your life, for better or for worse.

Next week I will give you some simple tips on how to identify your thoughts, how to stop over-thinking, how to stop worrying, how to change your habit, and how to use your thoughts in a positive way.

Let's talk!

Stop Comparing Across The Generations Because We Are Different, Or Are We?

It seems to me that we spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others as a way of defining how well we are doing or how different we are. Comparisons like this cause us stress, angst and unnecessary concerns.

In my work, I am interested in the way generations interact, particularly the Baby Boomers (BBs) and Millennials (Ms).

As a general guide - BBs were born from 1946 to 1964, Ms were born from 1980 to 2000. These dates aren't fixed in time and there will also be variations to these dates depending upon what website you go to. (Just to clarify, Ms are part of Gen-Ys who were born from mid 1970s to 1995, today they are lumped under the same banner).

BBs are sometimes labelled as self-centred - they received a free education, have a lack of community awareness, don't care about the environment, couldn't care less about others, hold grudges for years, and are bullies.

Ms are said to be narcissistic, entitled, uncommunicative, consumerist, privileged, community oriented and environmentally aware.

I have difficulty with these statements, not because they are incorrect or a generalisation, because both generations are the same to a large extent. More importantly, Ms are the children of BBs.

Let's look at the comparisons and why they might actually be the same;

• BBs are self-centred, but isn't that also what a narcissism is? Moreover, BBs want the very best for their family which makes them seem self-centred. MMs simply take a wider view of what the word 'family' means, they include the community as part of their family.
• While BBs did receive free education, who funds Ms education? Often the parents do in one way or another, either directly or through taxes.
• BBs do care about the environment, it is this very generation who run (and fund) major organisations involved in environmental issues. Ms certainly have a better understanding of the environment because they were taught it in schools, by BBs.
• BBs care about their families and work hard to maintain a lifestyle that they never had themselves. Incidentally, BBs created consumerists in Ms by giving them as much as they could.
• Ms aren't as communicative with BBs as with their own generation, but weren't BBs the same? Yes, BBs did talk to their parents more than Ms talk to their parents, but BBs were never honest with their parents and only talked to get them off their backs. Plus, BBs didn't have the technology to talk with others as Ms now do.
• BBs often say that they started with nothing, "I lived on a mattress in an empty rented house and worked my way up to what I have now over 30 years". True, but BBs parents didn't have that, most of them lived in homes supplied by their employer or the state. And you didn't hear BBs parents saying that BBs expectations were too high, did you?

I could go on but I am sure you get the picture. For me, misunderstandings arise across generations when one generation compares themselves to the other. Things are not as they once were and things will always be different moving forward. But for the most part we are all the same.

BBs, stop comparing your generation to Ms because things will always seem different when comparing the past to the present.

Today, the way we talk is different, the method in which we communicate with others is different and the way we live is different. The way BBs spoke to each other is no longer appropriate, we can now communicate across the world in an instant in many different ways, and we now have the ability to live better than we once did.

MMs, you need to talk more with your parents. Sending electronic messages is not talking nor is using two or three word sentences. No-one can read minds.

Let's talk!