What Should We Expect in Return?

I was asked a question recently about what to do or say to a person who you have taken the time to listen to and help, and in return they dismiss you when you want to talk with them about your problem.

When we offer help to another we do so without expectations, at least that's what we should be doing it for. We want to help so we do and we receive the benefit of knowing that we helped someone through altruism, we have grown ourselves, and we have socialised a problem.

It is only natural for us to need help ourselves from time to time. Asking for help is usually a last resort for most of us, more so if it is something personal and/or emotional. The secret (if there is one) is to find the right person to ask for help.

If you are asking the same person for help that you helped and they reject your approach, then that person is not the right one to ask. We may think that this person is being selfish, possibly the case. Most often though it is because that person is still struggling with their own issues and can't take any additional problems to ponder. They are already overwhelmed.

If you feel that this is the right person to help you then you could ask them directly, "Is there a reason that you can’t help me, I came to you because I thought that you could." Or perhaps “I’d be interested in your thoughts about a problem I have”. Your brain will tell you to remind them that they owe you for helping them, resist that temptation. In their heart they will know that already and reminding them we make them feel worse still.

Altruism and humility are things that I am learning more about as I research the benefits of socialisation. Those who have faith already know this message, Matthew 23:12. Look around at great people in history – Martin Luther King Jr, Frederick Douglass, Thomas Edison, Mother Teresa, and Abraham Lincoln to name a few. All were humble people in their own way, they gave of themselves to help others and needed nothing in return. They did not expect recognition or reward.

In short, if you help someone who is struggling with an issue and they reject you when you need help, go to someone else. Going back to the same person and have them ignore of reject you will only add to your own problems.

It’s about learning from the past, being in the moment, and always moving forward. In my humble opinion of course.

The Benefit of Eye Contact, a Smile and a Knowing Nod - For men Only

Sometimes men have difficulty in sharing how we feel with other men, and this can be harmful to our well-being if we keep something held inside for too long. Here's a technique that I used to great success when conducting suicide interventions to connect with the person.

If you know (or have a feeling that) the man you are speaking with has something to share but is reluctant to; smile slightly, look at them directly in the eye, and nod your head twice in a knowing way then look away. You can do the same if the man has told you something personal that they were holding inside.

This indicates without words “I’ve got your back”, “It’s okay if you want to say it”, or “Thanks for telling me this”.  

The technique stems from one of our socialisation protocols, direct eye contact. Men do not use direct eye contact (looking directly into the eye) unless the person is special to them, or they want to fight. Mostly, men simply look at the eyebrows or base of the nose of the person they are talking with.  

When speaking with a man, notice where they are looking. You may think that we are looking at your eyes, often we aren’t. Mostly, our gaze is fixed on one spot or we move our eyes in and out of the conversation. If we look at your eyes, it is actually only one eye. Women look into the both eyes during a conversation, watch as they look from eye to eye.

Men also tend to look at the mouth of the other person so that we can see and hear what the other person is saying. We are reading their facial expressions looking for signs of emotion – happy, sad, or anger.

Ladies, you cannot use the aforementioned technique on a man. When you smile at a man, look them directly in the eyes and nod your head, we misread the message completely.

Body Language to De-escalate Angry People

It is often said that the words we use are the most important thing. This is not that case when we are involved in a conversation with an angry person. A basic guide is that over 50% of communication in emotional situations is visual, body language.

So how should you stand, what should you say and how can you show a person that you interested in what they have to say while they are yelling at you? Know that these quick tips will work in most situations;

1. Always stand tall with your head up, shoulders back, and hands by your side. This shows that you are ready to listen and also indicates that you are not going to be submissive.
2. While the person is yelling at you, say nothing. Do not use verbal minimal encourages (umms and ahhs), large slow nods indicate that you are listening.
3. Listen to what they are saying. When they have finished their 'vent', paraphrase back to them what they said related to the facts of what they are yelling about. (i.e., you are here to talk about .....).
4. Reduce your eye contact to half of what you would usually do, 30% instead of 60%.
5. The person will come at you again, repeat the process. Keep your hand movements to a minimum.
6. If you can, hold something in your hand such as a notebook or pen. This will help relax your facial muscles and give you the feeling of support. (Try it now, stand up with your hands by your side without anything in your hands and then pick something up. Note how you feel more relaxed yet confident).
7. If you can, invite the person to sit down. This will reduce their anger as they wont have a strong foundation on which to rage.
8. Go through their issue without taking any notes, this is called free recall. Ask them to go through it again and tell them that this time you will be taking notes. Going through it twice reduces the tension, clarifies the situation, and allows them to tell their story at least twice to reduce built up tension.
9. If you can, get them to make notes also. When we write words by forming letters we go to our logic brain rather than remain in our emotional brain. Use the word important throughout the conversation, because it is important to them.
10. Mirror their body language when they are calm. If their arms are folded tightly across their chest, sit with your hands in front of you in an open pose. They will soon drop their arms as they calm and then mirror their pose - if their left hand is forward, your right hand is forward - hence the term 'mirror'.

Make Your Brain Happy

There are many ways to help keep yourself physically and mentally well. The problem often is that we overdo it in one area hoping that it will help us in the other. In life, it is all about finding the right balance.

The Chinese talk of Yin and Yang, (sometimes said as Ying and Yang), two principles of which one is dark and negative while the other one is bright and positive. The two work together to complement each other. The mind and body is much the same, the brain focuses on the dark and negative while the body can be kept looking great through exercise which is bright and positive. The mind and body must work together to keep you well.

Because helping our brain requires concentration, we often turn to exercise as an easy option to help us. Exercise will indeed make you ‘feel’ better because endorphins are produced during physical exercise. Unfortunately, it won’t help your brain long-term.

If you have a mentally demanding day you must complete at least 30 minutes of exercise at the end of each workday. If you have a physically demanding day you must then exercise your mind once work is over to balance everything out. Sudoku has been found to give the greatest benefit to your brain, unfortunately for me I have a problem with mathematics so I undertake research for my work instead. I read, a lot.

What are some other things that you can do for your brain? Given that we have five deep emotions, four of which are negative, concentrating on joy (happiness) will provide the greatest benefit for your brain. (The others are anger, worry, fear, and grief). Guilt and jealousy are also emotions but they stem from anger, fear, and worry.

Here are five quick-fix things to do for your brain that are easy to do and take no effort whatsoever;

1.     Smile – when we smile there is a unique muscle in our face that sends a signal to our brain that we are happy.

2.     Think only happy thoughts – easy to say but harder to do. Try thinking about something good coming up in the future, a place you like to visit, a place you would like to go to, anything that makes you feel good inside.

3.     Help someone – I’ll bet you feel good when you have helped someone, we all do. This feeling is linked to altruism which is part of your emotional brain.

4.     Read fiction novels – for some reason this is most helpful for men, possibly because men often find it difficult to meditate. Reading fiction adventure novels lights up the same part of the brain as does meditation.

5.     Socialise – talk more, meet more, get out more. The benefits of talking are found to be as good as, or better than, physical exercise. It doesn’t matter what you talk about, just talk.

A Suggested Change to our Hierarchy of Needs.

I am going to go out on a limb here to see what the reaction is to my assertion that the hierarchy of needs described by Maslow is still relevant but with a few modifications.

Maslow suggests that at the bottom of the pyramid is our physiological needs - food, water, shelter, etc. This has not changed. What has changed in my humble opinion is that the lack of these things does not necessarily motivate people when they are unmet as Maslow suggested.

Additionally, money is now important if we are to meet our physiological needs. Why, because without money it is often hard to achieve our basic needs, particularly with housing. In my work within the customer service industry, the 'angriest' encounters are in those industries associated with money - banks, insurance, accountants, and the like.

The second of Maslow's hierarchy on the pyramid is safety. To a degree that level is also now in the bottom level, if we have the basics right we feel safer, more secure, and we are more stable.

It's the third layer on his pyramid that I am most interested in, our social needs. For me this is the missing link with a lot of issues that we have today, particularly around suicide. Through the introduction of technology, we have lost the art of socialisation, of community spirit, of assisting others, of building relationships and for expressing our feelings.

For thousands of years we talked with each other. We aired, shared, and cared with those around us. If we wanted to know something, we asked. If we wanted to talk with someone we had to do it face to face. If we needed help with anything we would invite people over to assist us.

Instead, what do we do today, we use a so called 'smart' phone to do all that we need in the way of communicating. Younger people have lost the art of socialisation, of talking to a person in front of them. The social skills of your turn my turn, politeness, facial expressions, and togetherness have all but disappeared.

Perhaps I am on the wrong track here. Perhaps there is another reason why the young people of today struggle with expressing their emotions and with communicating how they feel. These two things are important for wellbeing. Now they seem to have been lost, or at least given a lesser priority.

Perhaps I think like this because communication is my business. Or maybe I am just getting older and more cynical. One thing I do know, we need to talk more.