10 Things That Kept Me Going.

The start to this year has been less than ordinary for me – in just two months I picked up a painful virus, my father passed, our family dog of 15 years died, I had surgery on my foot which is still healing, had a root canal, and ended with a positive test result when screening for bowel cancer. Whew! Oh, and we have our house on the market and also a strict deadline on my book which I am writing. And there's still more but you get the picture.

Why am I airing my personal laundry for the world to read? Well, apart from our brains wanting to make it 'all about us', (and mine loves to do that) I utilised what I coach to keep me from going mad. Here they are;

1.      Focus on one thing – as each life’s hurdles came together, my brain wanted to lump them all together and say “You are under attack, life is bad, you aren’t going to make it.” I focussed on the immediate issue, one at a time, and dealt just with that one thing.

2.     Distract the brain – worrying about something that you have no control over has little positive value. I focussed on what I could control. More importantly, I focussed on my family – how can I support them with whatever they need. And I joked, a lot, using humour to reframe things.

3.     Positive thoughts – I kept telling myself “Everything happens for a reason, what are the benefits of this, how can I make the most of what is happening, keep moving forward.” This one was a bit harder of course because our brains are wired to think negatively.

4.     Work – I threw myself into my work by conducting further research, developing more programs, trying different delivery styles, and promoting my work. This also was a distraction.

5.     Slowed down – A little bit anyway. A normal weekend for me would be to mow the lawns, weed the gardens, wash the cars and assist with the housework. All before lunch. Now, I do the same but take a series of breaks to chat with my wife, play with the grandkids, listen to the birds (and the neighbours), soak up what is around me.

6.     Replaced things – I took antiviral medication, we got a new dog, I followed my doctor’s recommendation on healing after surgery, the tooth was repaired, and the screening result was found to be nothing of significance. We will sell our house before signing a contract on a new one so we don’t have the additional pressure that comes with a house sale and I got someone to help me with my book because I couldn’t unlock all of the stories I wanted to tell. You can never replace a father but you can focus on being a good one yourself.

7.     Exercise less – Not what you would usually hear from me. Previously, I was working out for an hour-and- a-half every day regardless of how much physical activity I undertook during the day. Now, if I have a busy day I don’t work out and I don’t stress about not having done a workout which I always would do.

8.     Talked more – Mostly with my wife, sometimes with my family, on occasion with my close friends. There’s something in the proverb – ‘A problem shared is a problem halved.’

9.     Worried less – I was determined not to worry, so I didn’t. Worry is such a wasted exercise. Worry only exaggerates the negative, causes more pain, and adds to your list of issues. I stopped myself immediately whenever I had negative thoughts and I spent time on social media (FB) posting positive affirmations.

10.  Family first – Tattooed on my ribs (one of the most painful places to get a tattoo by the way) are the words ‘Familia Omnia’. Family is all. And they are everything to me. That is the most important thing that keeps me focussed, keeps me grounded, keeps me honest with myself. And not just immediate family, ‘familia’ includes close friends.

When I look back at my list from 1 to 10 as I finish this post, here in a word is what I have just done – mindfulness. How crazy is that?

Life comes at us hard sometimes and it can be uncomfortable. Don't let life's issues get in the way of living.

Long Term Personal Planning - Is It Worth It?

I have read many books on the benefits of long term planning for your future. And I do agree with some of what is written. However, most of what I have read has no academic researched support. A bold statement to make, perhaps not.  

I am the world's greatest fan of making lists, setting goals and having plans. Lists help to keep us focused, help us to remember things we would otherwise forget, and help us to relax at the end of the day knowing that we have our list ready for tomorrow.

Similarly, goal setting is something that research supports. We are more likely to achieve our goals if we write them down. Doing this lodges the goals into our subconscious and gives us momentum.

Plans are different I believe, particularly long term plans. In my humble opinion, the longer the plan the greater the chance of failure. Why, because things change. I am yet to meet anyone who has stuck to a long term personal plan beyond five years.

Here is what I prefer to do;

1.      Instead of having a detailed long term plan, have a long term goal. Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years?

2.     Break that goal down into chunks – how am I going to achieve my goal by planning the smaller steps.

3.     Make a list each quarter of how you are going to take each smaller step.

Although in theory you have still set a long term plan, you have included the flexibility to change your long term plan as things around you change. Additionally, you won’t be disappointed if you fail to adhere to your original plan.

By all means write lists, set goals, and have a long term plan. Just don’t be surprised if you don’t meet the long term plan as you planned it.  

Three Important Things For You To Do

Having researched practical ways in which to keep ourselves healthy and happy, here are the three things that will help most of us stay in sound body and mind. They are in order of importance;

Socialisation - Maslow knew it, albeit it was third on his hierarchy of needs, socialisation is imperative for your mental wellbeing. Following the ice age, we had to work together to survive. As our brains grew larger and larger, our emotional bond with each other became stronger and stronger.

Socialisation is not just about talking (although that is by far the strongest component of socialisation) it is also about being part of a community, sharing, altruism, caring, and many other factors.

I went to a seminar last year where a scientist set to put an end to the socialisation debate on whether talking would reduce our stress levels. He studied the cortisol levels (cortisol is released into the blood when we become stressed) in two groups; both groups had to record how much conversation they had with other people across each day.  

The control group were told to hold their usual amount of conversation; the other group were told to at least double their amount of conversation time. The conversation times were compared and the cortisol level in this latter group who spoke the most were at least half that of those who did not talk as much.

Bottom line, talk more, share more, help others and get out into the community. Shutting yourself away and not talking, or worse still conversing on social media, is the worst thing that you can do for your wellbeing.

Exercise – The evidence is irrefutable; the benefits of exercise are enormous. In fact, there is very little negative side-effect of exercise if done properly within the recommended guidelines.

How much exercise should you get? 30-minutes of medium to fast paced walking. This exercise must be completed at the end of the working day. Why – to burn off the accumulation of adrenaline and cortisol in your body from the day’s activities.

Physiologically men train better in the morning, women in the afternoon. Men can still train in the morning but all of us must get our heart rates above the rate it was during the day to have any benefit. If you don’t burn off adrenaline, you will have trouble sleeping.

Sleep – If you have completed the first two things, socialisation and exercise, you will sleep much better. How much sleep do you need, it varies for all of us. To work out how much you need, on the days that you don’t have to wake to an alarm, note the amount of sleep that you got each night over 10 to 12 days. Average it out and that is how much sleep you need.

Your bedroom must be cold – between 15 and 18°, and dark – use both curtains and blinds. You must eat your evening meal at least three hours before bedtime so that your immediate digestion is completed. Remember though to eat a small piece of protein right on bedtime to stop you waking at 3am. Avoid coffee after 3pm.

Regularity is one of the most important factors in sleep. Go to bed at the same time each night and wake up at the same time each day, including the weekends if you are struggling to find regular patterns.

Never be afraid to have a nap during the day and on the weekends if you need to. In my opinion it is better to get sleep whenever you can if you aren’t getting enough at night. Without adequate sleep you won’t function at your best.

These three things – socialisation, exercise and sleep - will help to keep you well. 

True Friends Can Be Found

There have been many posts/blogs on friends and friendships, I am going to add to that long list. I am very lucky to have a great group of close friends who have been together for over 40 years.

The six of us met when working for the same employer, I was just 16. Work acquaintances became work friends became friends outside of work and we have been there for each other ever since, 43 years this January. (Now you know how old I am).

Were possible we went to each other’s engagement and wedding celebrations, sometimes our children's birthday parties. More lately, we go to family funerals to show our on-going support for each other. 

When a couple of the group travelled to live in Australia, others followed. When some returned to live in New Zealand the others followed. Now that one is living in the United States we regularly remain in touch and continue our long distance friendship, meeting up whenever possible.

Why does this friendship work, what makes it so strong, and how is it that each of us is still married to our same wife that we met when we all met as friends?

·        We are all different. Different upbringing, different interests, different backgrounds, and different ideas. That keeps things interesting every time we meet.

·        If we need a hand with anything, we know that we can reach out to any one of our friends or all of them, for help on whatever we need. 

·        We listen, then we ask, then we support, and finally we suggest. And we do so in that order.

·        We meet regularly but not too often. We live quite separate lives and come together every so often to share a meal, tell our stories and often reminisce about the good times and the bad times.

·        We share our stories and we share our ideas. Sometimes we might even share our emotions. Mostly, we laugh. Not at each other but with each other. And we never gossip.

·        If we want to share, if we want to say something that is important to us, if we just want to be ourselves, we can and do so without fear of being judged or ridiculed.

·        Most of all, we are honest with each other and with ourselves. When you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear and you can simply be yourself.

I am truly a lucky man.

Should We Talk About Suicide?

More and more of my work these days is not just about coaching on enhanced communication skills and developing personal resilience techniques - de-escalation, engagement and prevention of the effects of stress - it now involves coaching techniques on engaging with those people who are considering suicide. 

A question often asked, "Should we talk about suicide or ignore it?" We tried the latter technique and it didn't work. So the answer must be to talk about it. I am a huge advocate of talking about suicide. Not about how or why after the event, how and why before people become unwell. 

Education is the key to prevention, it always is. If we know that something is likely to happen if we follow a certain path or that something untoward happens in our life, then we can learn the likely consequences and how to avoid it.

In my humble view, we need to educate people on the causes of suicide before they head down that lonely path to self-destruction. Why, because when the person becomes unwell they no longer function as do you and I. Their thoughts are only of dark places, of negative emotions, of an inability so see a way out of the blackness that envelopes them.

Logic is long gone, their head is full not just of the catalyst to their event but also of every other little bad thing that ever happened to them over their entire lifetime. It is imperative that people know what may happen to them if they do become unwell before it happens so that they can be reminded of what they learned about their current ill-health. 

Education is the key. And education means not only talking about the causes of suicidal thoughts, it also means providing strategies on how to stay healthy. In today’s environment where talking with each other has diminished we need to learn as much about keeping ourselves well as we do about the basics skills of life. Reading, writing, arithmetic and life-skills, these are now our four important educational requirements. 

Footnote: I have purposefully used the terms unwell and ill-health in this post. Why, because in most cases that is all feelings and thoughts of suicide are, the person is simply unwell and can get better if they get the right help at the right time.