Communicating Across The Sexes

I am going to start with a broad statement, all of our communication is influenced by our emotions. For most of our daily interactions, that's true, very much so when we are communicating in emotional situations.

But there are differences in our communication behaviours, the major differences are between the sexes. In case you haven’t noticed, men and women communicate quite differently.

Here are some quick facts on how our brains work differently across the sexes when influenced by emotions and how this is reflected in our communications;

·        The limbic system, where our emotional brain (the amygdala) is housed, influences our emotions and is the driver of our fight or flight reaction. Men have a much larger amygdala than women despite the fact that women have been shown to have greater emotional awareness. 

·        When in an emotional situation, men primarily use their right brain which is the defence side whereas women primarily use their left brain, the logic side.

·        The same happens in the amygdala, women use more of the left side of the amygdala whereas men use more of the right side. This means that women will remember more of the emotional details whereas men will get the gist of what happened.  

·        Women use both brain hemispheres when communicating, men use only one. Similarly, women have thicker 'wires' joining the two hemispheres than do men's brains. Hence women are generally much better at communicating in depth of understanding than men.

·        Girls are verbally more sophisticated than boys when growing up. They use more social interactive skills when communicating such as leaning towards each other, holding eye contact for long periods, and using touch to reinforce their communication. Men consolidate their social skills with physical activity.

·        Men are more matter of fact in what they say, more direct. A woman will ask "Would you like to stop and have a coffee" while out driving. A man will answer "No." What she meant was "I want to stop and have a coffee." 

How does all of this help us? If we want to communicate a little better between the sexes, we need to understand these differences to avoid often unintentional conflict.

Men should try to listen more, talk more about their feelings, ask questions of women when they are unsure of what she said, and stop going straight to problem-solving.

Women should try to be more direct in what they say, know that lack of emotion or eye contact does not mean that the man doesn’t care or is lying, and know that when men problem-solve they are just trying to help.

Or, we could just carry on as we are and enjoy our differences. I prefer this option because life is all about balance. 

Are They Okay?

The second most asked question during my presentations is, "How do you know if someone is suicidal?" Often, the person asking has a friend or loved one who is acting unusual and they are concerned for their safety. 

Two important points to make -  No two of us are exactly the same therefore we behave differently when unwell and if you think someone is unwell it is imperative that you get them urgent specialist help from a qualified psychologist. I cannot stress upon you enough the importance of this second point. Don’t try to ‘fix’ them yourself because you can’t.

There are some generalisations that we can make. In my former role I would speak with people at the extreme end of the suicidal spectrum. Most would have struggled with their emotions for some time and were now seeking to end their unseen pain. 

Their behaviour was always the same - quiet, head down, no eye contact, reluctance to engage in conversation, hunched over. They are quiet because they don’t want to talk, often they can’t talk. Engaging in conversation, looking at someone, and going over what they are going through is the last thing that they want to do. But it is the most important thing for them to do.

Initially, most of us when we are under emotional turmoil will become fidgety, will have restless legs, can’t sit still for more than a minute, and will not be able to focus on a single topic. Our ‘normal’ thoughts will be buried by whatever the catalyst was for our decline.

As the person becomes more unwell, you will notice changes in their;

·       Mood – they become moody, sullen and may snap back at you.

·       Diet – they won’t want to eat and will lose weight.

·       Sleep patterns – these are disrupted (they lie awake at night) and their energy levels decline as a result.

·       Alcohol and drugs – they will try to numb the pain with alcohol and/or drugs.

·       Expressing feelings – They may express feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and not talk about the future. They may even talk about suicide and/or death.

·       Withdrawn – Perhaps the biggest sign of being really unwell is that they will become withdrawn, won’t engage, will sit in their room, isolate themselves.

Essentially, they do everything that they shouldn’t do that would make themselves better as their brain looks for alternative options. The brain isn’t thinking straight, logic has gone, rational behaviour has gone, the fight or flight responses are in full alert.

So what should you do with someone who you suspect is suicidal. Talk. Talk with them and encourage them to get help. If this doesn’t work, you may need to bring someone in to help you or perhaps talk with an expert yourself for guidance.

I could tell you what I would do in my former role but that wouldn’t be of any help to you. Crisis negotiators ‘shake them and take them’. We shake them out of their immediate state and take them to an expert. Sure, what we say to the person would probably work for you, but then what?

Talk to the person who is unwell, ask them if they are okay, tell them you fear for their safety and importantly that you love them dearly. Encourage them to get help, get help for them if they won’t do it for themselves and most of all, just be there for them.

Being there to support the person is the best thing that any of us can do. Let them know that they are not alone, because they will feel as though they are. Alone.

Am I Stressed?

I am often asked by my audience, "How do you know if you are stressed?" Well, it varies for everyone but there are some generalisations that can be made. Know that if you are feeling stressed then you may need to get some professional help, sooner rather than later.

What is stress? There is a saying 'If you think that you are stressed, you are'. And for most of us that is very true. Stress comes from your internal reaction to continued external pressure. When you become overwhelmed, there is a reaction in your body stemming from your fight or flight response whereby there are physical, mental and emotional changes. The emotional ones are the ones you need to control.

I was once diagnosed with accumulated stress disorder, continually thinking that I was stressed. I even used to say "I am so stressed", a lot. I wasn't stressed. I was under pressure and suffered burn out which lead to dark thoughts and suffering inside my head.

Many other situations can set off the same response - buying a home, a difficult boss, divorce, separation, traffic jams, the fear of something, etc. That is, if you let your thoughts wander down that 'stress' road. 

What are the symptoms of being stressed? There are over 50 of them and include diarrhoea, headaches, constant anxiousness and agitation, quick to react negatively, inability to sleep or to quiet your mind, aches and pains aligned with the spine, etc.

A common misconception is that shingles is a sign of stress. Shingles is a virus that lies dormant in the nervous system after the onset of chickenpox and usually occurs when you are run down or your immunity is low.  

So how do you stop yourself from getting stressed? There are several things that you can do that will ensure that you manage pressure so that is doesn't lead to stress? The three best things that you can do for yourself are;

·       Sleep – 7 to 8 hours is the recommended dose, unaided of course.

·       Exercise – 30-minute medium to fast paced walk every day.

·       Socialisation – Get out and talk to people, in person.

Other things that can also help include;

·       Managing your workload.

·       Resting for 10 minutes every 50 minutes.

·       Eating well – carbos for breakfast and protein every other meal.

·       Avoid sugars and processed food.

·       Control your thoughts, avoid thinking negatively.

What Is The Right Choice?

'Good things come to those who wait', or is it 'Make hay while the sun shines'? Or maybe 'Patience is a virtue', or Good things come to those who wait'. Sayings like this aren't much help when you are pondering a difficult decision.

Most often, you find the correct saying after the event and blame yourself for not following that advice.

When pondering a difficult decision, there are two options to use that work for most people. The first is to write it down. Those who follow me will know that writing something down engages the logic side of your brain, the left side, whereas creativity and worry is on the right side.

Additionally, when we write something down it lodges the thought into our subconscious which keeps working on our problem when we aren't. If you want to, you can also write the pros and cons of the two choices which will increase your logic thought process. If you don't arrive at an answer, forget it, the correct answer will come to you either while you are in the shower or in our creative period, 3 a.m. (That’s one of the reasons why you wake at 3 a.m. by the way).

The second option you have when making choices is to go with gut instinct. This sounds like a weird thing to do but most often it is more accurate than logic if you can get it to work for you. Gut instinct isn't actually your gut, it is a part of your brain that is unaffected by communication (words) and emotion (feelings).

So how do you use it? When we are struggling with a decision there is often two choices to make, one is in the forefront of our mind and appears to be the right thing to do whereas the other sits at the back of our mind niggling at us. It's this one, the niggly one. 

Gut instinct is something that has developed over time. It is innate in us all. Finding it and trusting it is the key to making the right decision. The best saying to follow when struggling to make the right decision is ‘If it feels right, it is’.

I try to follow a simple rule – say what is in your heart and go with your gut. Know that it is actually your head, just not the stupid bit of it.

More Sleep Stuff

Sleep, the one thing that is so important for our wellbeing. Here's a few quick facts that may help you to understand the circadian rhythm and why it is so important to try and maintain regular patterns.

Your body works on a time clock - when it gets light we wake up, when it gets dark we go to sleep. Or so it is supposed to work that way. But your other organs also work on a time clock - your heart, your liver, kidney, stomach, etc. All must have a regular pattern. If you eat at a different time of the day you will change the circadian rhythm.

You should fall asleep within 30 minutes of going to bed. If you don't, it's not the right time for your rhythm. Go to bed 15 minutes later than normal for the first week, then another 15 minutes later the next week until you fall asleep within 30 minutes. That is the start of your sleep cycle. To move it back to the hour that you want to go to sleep, reverse the process.

Here are some more basic rules, courtesy of the latest research;

·       Stick as close as you can to regular patterns. (Shift workers, this is difficult I know)

·       Workout in the morning to boost your serotonin levels – they help you sleep at night.

·       Do most of your thinking at work around mid-morning.

·       Only eat during the day at regular times.

·       Your cave where you sleep needs to be cold and dark, really dark.