Stubborn, Egotistical, and Arrogant.

These three things are clearly linked, stubbornness, egotism and arrogance. And we need them all if we want to succeed in life. It's just how to control them that is important.

In business it is important to be stubborn, to never give up, to persevere, to strive for success. If you want to be the best, you need to have a strong ego. Sometimes a little arrogance produces a lot of confidence.

There is however a fine line between having a little of each of these three important factors to succeed and from being perceived as a total jerk. So how do you know control stubbornness, egotism and arrogance?

In my role as a consultant and coach, the boundary is set for me from honest feedback. In my early years I would ignore feedback on ways to improve my workshops.

"I'll dismiss that comment, what would they know" I would tell myself. And the same negative comment would be made after each session. One day the lights went on and I changed my program. And it worked.

It is said that you should try to avoid the negatives in life, I don't. I now listen to them and use them to my advantage. I change things by embracing the negatives and turning them into positives. The result, a 95% engagement rate.

Humility, a word not often used these days but one that I try as hard as possible to adhere to. By all means remain stubborn, egotistical and arrogant, at least moderate them with a little humility. After all, a little humility goes a long way. 

Think Positive, In Grief, Really?

Having had a less than average week with sorrow, I could have chosen to focus on the negatives but instead chose to think differently. I chose to think positively as ‘they’ say that you should. And it helped me.

‘Chose to’ sounds as though it was easy, it wasn’t. Choosing to feel a particular way in emotional situations isn’t that simple. It takes hard work and the closer the loved one the harder it is.

Those who know my business may be surprised that I would ever consider thinking about the negative. Well, thinking negatively is what our brains are wired to do. It is there to protect us, to see danger, to look negatively so that we are prepared for whatever appears. And in sorrow we really do struggle with positive thoughts.

Grief can be overwhelming and is different for each of us. Some recover quickly while others take some time.

Some say you should remember the good times, remember how they were, remember how you enjoyed their company. And for most of us that works fine but not for me. When I did this I became even sadder knowing I can’t have those wonderful moments again.

What I did instead was focus on the negatives and turned them into positives. "Isn't it lucky their pain and suffering is now over", "It was their time to go", "They had a great/long life", “They wouldn’t want us to be sad”. These are phrases that I focused on.

And I also focused on those who were around me. I watched, listened, laughed and loved those who were close to me – my family and friends. These two things, family and friends who are around you, are what matter most in our lives.

Does that make me hard; I don’t think so. Does that make me look hard; probably. Yet each of us choose how to react, as difficult as it was (and is) I use(d) the losses to move forward.

Don’t get me wrong, I was sad and I cried. I tried to fight back the tears and to be strong but I couldn't and I felt better as a result of expressing myself.

By all means do grieve, do feel sorrow, do cry a lot, and do share your stories. Turn negatives into positives, focus hard on the good things, do whatever helps make you feel better.  

Importantly, embrace the new change in your life. 

Bite Your Tongue

Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something that you may later regret. Most of us have been there; we have something to say, we believe it is important, and our ego can't wait so we have to get it out there.

Recent research tells us that decisions made during meetings aren't always the best decisions because the discussion focuses more on who has the better argument rather than the actual facts. 

I am sure that we have all been in meetings where we have argued a point, not because we thought it was a good one, but because we made it. Our ego got in the way. The next thing that you find is that you are arguing for a point that you don't even believe in. 

Watching people as I love to do, I have found that the most sensible people with a credible argument are those who wait. They listen, they nod, they wait, and then they say something that makes great sense. Not because they waited to hear all sides of the discussion but because it was only at that point that they had something valid to say.

If you want to make an impact in meetings, bite your tongue. Wait until you have something valuable to add then say it with humility. The impact is enormous.

Sleep, Why Can't I Just Sleep?

We all know that sleep is one of the most important things that you need to survive. Sleep improves memory, increases life span, reduces blood pressure, enhances creativity, the list goes on.

If you do not fall asleep within 30 minutes of going to bed, then your circadian rhythm is out of synch. For shift workers, this will always be out.

Sleep operates on three main factors – time, temperature, and light. The cave where you sleep needs to be dark and cold and you need to go to bed at the same time each night.

It is recommended that you get at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night. If you want to know how much sleep you need, on your days off note down the amount of sleep you get over 10 or so days and average the figure – that’s how much sleep you need.

I was once the worst sleeper ever. If I had 4 hours sleep a night I was ecstatic. So I read lots and lots and lots of books and tried lots of different things. Here’s what works for most people I know who had trouble sleeping;

·       Exercise every day – a 30-minute walk is the recommended minimum; I try to get to the gym most days.

·       Restrict coffee to two cups per day and never after 3 pm.

·       Don’t use a smart phone or tablet within three hours of bedtime.

·       Have a hot shower one hour before bed.

·       Have dinner at least four hours before bedtime and don’t eat too much.

·       Have a small piece of protein right on bedtime to help stop you waking at 3 am.

·       Try to go to bed at the same time each night and wake up at the same time each day – this forms a sleep pattern.

·       Get into bed and stay there – don’t get back up if you can’t sleep because you will wake up again (try getting out of bed if you can’t sleep to reset your brain).

·       Think about one thing and one thing only. Concentrate on that one thing – a happy place, an inanimate object, something that stops other thoughts coming into your head.

·       Relax – know that you will get to sleep eventually and that you won’t be as tired the following day as you think you might be.

Try to stick to the same pattern every night. Any changes to your pattern will influence your brain and you will have to restart the pattern.

If you are someone who really struggles with sleep, I have constructed a document that you may find helpful. Go to WARNInternational.com and I will send it to you.

Happy dreams.

Shut Up!

Silence is a tool to use if you want to deescalate an angry person, increase dialogue with someone who is reluctant to talk, or to send a signal that you are wary of what the other person said. 

Angry People

When someone is yelling at you, let them. As long as the person isn’t swearing at you or throwing things, they are just expressing an emotion and once expressed, the emotion is disarmed.

When people get angry there are three stages – yelling, then swearing, followed by violence (throwing objects or punching). If you try to stop someone from yelling they are more likely to start swearing which makes you more determined to stop them which frustrates the other person even more which leads to even greater frustration which leads to….. You get the picture.

Listen to what the person is saying then once they have finished you will probably have all of the information that you require to know how they feel and how to help them.

If you are on the phone with the person, nothing changes. If the caller asks “Are you there”, come back with “Yes I am and this is helpful information” or “Yes, and I am listening.”   

Increase Dialogue

As humans, we dislike silence when we are with others. Inherently we feel the need to communicate hence the reason our good friend Abraham Maslow identified socialisation as a strong human need.

If the other person is reluctant to talk, use long pauses to encourage them to fill the silence. Maintain eye contact with them during the silence to send a signal that you are there and want to listen to what they have to say.

Liars

If you think that someone is being untruthful, leave a 10 second gap in your conversation and then say “This is an important point that you make, I want to make sure that I have got it correct.” “Can you go over that again for me?” This will signal to them that they are being scrutinised.

Another option after the pause is to paraphrase back to them in your words what they have just told you.

If you believe that they are still lying or that you have information that is different to what they have just told you again, say “I have been told/have it recorded as…” and go over what you think is the truth. This again is a chance for the other person to amend what they have told you.

Silence is a powerful tool, use it wisely and everyone will benefit.