For some of us, one of life's pressures is to try and change how we live according to what our family, friends, professionals, society or others say that we should do.
You should eat this.
You shouldn't eat that.
You should exercise more.
You shouldn't exercise like that.
You should stop drinking.
Relax, just have a couple of drinks.
You should be productive.
You shouldn't work so much.
Sure, it's good to be fit, it's good to be mindful of what we eat, it's good not to smoke, it's good to avoid too much alcohol, it's good to have a work/life balance, it's good to keep our minds occupied, and it's good to conform to norms when appropriate.
Whilst well-meaning, the problem that some of us have is we spend too much time trying to change too many things about ourselves at once. Trying to follow a strict regime, to get the work/life balance right, to keep up with all of what others suggest of us.
The classic pressures we put ourselves under relate to our physical health. We need to eat right, drink right, smoke less, eat less, exercise more; the list goes on. Yes, these are all good things to consider, but so is the health of your mind.
Even thinking about doing all of the aforementioned suggestions places us under pressure, pressure that can easily turn to anxiety and stress if we believe we aren't meeting those expectations.
👉 Our brains are wired in such a way that it is often difficult to make changes. Changing a habit takes sixty (60) to eighty (80) days.
Just one, single, solitary habit.
☝️ To reduce this tension that goes on inside of our heads, choose just one thing that you want to change, something that will make a real difference to you, something that you want dearly to achieve. Then, focus on that single thing for eighty days minimum. When this new habit has become instinctive, i.e. a habit you no longer have to think about, pick just one more thing to change.
Each of us is very different, and that is what makes the world an interesting place. There is no such thing as the ultimate person.
Whilst it's important to look after ourselves, to do the right thing as much as you can for your health - slow is smooth, smooth is fast.
Be yourself as you are unique, there is only one of you 💛
Are you in a washing machine, are you in a movie, or are you drowning?
When initially overwhelmed, it often feels like we are in a washing machine, going back and forth, spinning around really fast. There are clothes all around us, some with zips and clips that scratch us every so often. Because there is lots of water (things going on) around us, we start gasping for air. We move faster and faster to try and catch up, to get everything 'washed' so that we can rest at the end of the wash cycle.
But instead, the cycle continues - there are always clothes to wash.
Our brain, recognising that we are in this never-ending cycle, can trick us into thinking nothing is real. We are now in a movie, walking through life without being noticed. It might feel as though if you were to reach out to others, they won't hear you or see you. No one seems to notice that you are there, they don't even look at you. That's what happens in a movie, everything is surreal.
If this is sounding familiar to how you're feeling now, please combat these thoughts and please seek help. Go and see your doctor, a psychologist, or a psychotherapist. Counsellors may also be able to help.
This movie, your movie, sometimes doesn't end well.
It has one of those endings where you are left feeling hollow, disappointed, cheated. We now have feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. We are all-consumed with our thoughts, negative thoughts, thoughts that we begin to believe are real. Logic, what's that? Sleep, what's that? Talking, ha, that stopped a long time ago.
This movie has a tragic ending, if we allow it to.
We are now drowning and there is no one around to help us (or so we think). We've been there before; we don't need help, we can help ourselves, eventually we will pop out of this wave if we keep swimming, won't we? After all, you don't want to seem like an idiot, a failure, a loser. Besides, I don't want to burden others, they have things going on themselves.
You will eventually pop out of the sea if you hold on to what has kept you going, the very things that you love about life. The hook, that's what crisis negotiators call it, the few things that we look forward to each day. The things that give us hope, the things that we come back to every now and then. You see, the heart can rule the brain if you allow it to. So what do you love?
Let's talk!
Is Waking At 5am Good For You?
Should I get up at 5 am?
I have read many books espousing the benefits of getting up early in the morning to get things done. The military does it, high achievers do it, top athletes do it, and many successful people do it - they all wake up early in the morning to get a head start on the day.
I used to get up at 5 am, drive to work to beat the traffic, go to the gym for an hour, and still be at work before everyone else. You can get through a lot of work in a quiet office before the masses arrive.
So is getting up early really that good for you? Here's what we know;
⏰ Numerous studies show that students who wake up early have higher grades than those who don't.
⏰ From 3 am onwards, your brain is in its creative period where ideas flow and problems may be solved more easily.
⏰ Early risers generally have better sleep routines, and sleep more soundly as a consequence.
⏰ Waking earlier eliminates the need to rush around in the morning, reducing the accompanying stress. Plus, you may minimise the stress of being late or getting stuck in traffic.
How do you become an early riser? The answer is slowly - our brains don't like to be surprised too often.
In the evenings, start going to bed 15 minutes earlier each week.
Keep the same ritual everytime before bed. Mine was to have a light snack along with warm milk, have a shower, darken my room, put a glass of water by the bed, listen to the radio for 5 minutes and then head down to sleep. Every day, no matter what, never change the ritual.
As for the mornings, set your alarm clock to wake you up 15 minutes earlier each week. Again, follow a similar ritual each morning – go to the gym, meditate, produce a blog, eat breakfast, have a shower, etc. Do the same things each morning to get yourself into a pattern of behaviour.
While some say it is better to adhere to that same pattern in the weekend, I do not. Weekends are for relaxing, doing what you want to do, and catching up with any lost sleep you might need. You might want to still wake up at 5 am, but you might also want to have an afternoon nap.
You Are Stronger Than You Think You Are.
I was once in the mire, experiencing dark times. While still able to function, life was much like a movie, and I was just an actor playing my part.
Often asked how I got out of the depths of darkness, it was with a little help and lots of determination. While we are all different, and each of us being in the mire differs, recovery is the one thing we all can do.
The most important thing you will ever do, is to follow expert advice when unwell. Some need hospitalisation, some need medication, and some need therapy. Can I encourage you to seek expert help on every occasion, psychotherapy was my expert.
But, here's the kicker - just doing that won't be enough.
You must believe in what you are told to do, and follow the plan made for you. Most of all, you need to believe in yourself.
Self-belief is an incredible tool. You see, taking a pill, doing breathing exercises, visualisation, and the many other things you will be asked to do won't work unless you have belief in yourself.
I went through the motions when I went for expert help. I sat and visualised, medicated (natural remedy), rested, controlled my thoughts, and did all the right things yet I still wasn't getting well.
One day I reached a low point and realised that it was 𝙢𝙚 who had to do something to change. It was in my head and in my heart. I had to take control, to dig really deep and grab hold of myself and drag myself up out of the dark place. It was at that point that things changed.
In days I felt different, literally days.
This post isn't about me, it's about you. You are stronger than you think you are, you must believe that.
I was a weak person, I never had self-belief, and I relied on others to help me. If I took the pills and followed the instructions I would be okay, right? Maybe. Yet if I actually believed I could do it, then perhaps a transformation might occur. It did.
Take it from someone who wondered how people could let themselves get so unwell, who once thought meditation was for weak people, who could not fathom how someone would want to end their life.
You are stronger than you think you are, and that is the key.
TW: Mentions Suicide
TW: Suicide
"Are you thinking about killing yourself?"
This has been promoted as what we should say to someone who we think is suicidal to establish if indeed they are. I have been against saying this sentence for a number of reasons.
Firstly, let's clarify that this sentence is indeed what you should ask someone if you think that they are considering suicide, but only if you are a trained crisis negotiator. It is something crisis negotiators use when intervening in a suicide attempt. Why, because it gets the person's attention.
Often when people are suicidal, they have no idea what they are doing at the time, hence the reason why some will take their life without considering the lives of others while doing so. They are lost in their negative thoughts as part of extreme fight-or-flight.
By asking this question, despite the person obviously considering doing so, crisis negotiators will literally snap the person out of their thoughts and bring them back to their position. However, it is only ever done so as a last resort to get the person's undivided attention. And, it works.
We are then told, that should the person answer "Yes" to 'that' question; we should go on to ask them if they have made a plan yet, what that plan is, and how much preparation have they made.
My concern is the impact on the person asking the question must also be considered.
Currently working in the rural sector where suicide is sadly still common, I know of many people who cannot bring themselves to ask 'that' question and worry about the consequences if they do or don't ask it. It worried one person so much that it partly contributed to going into depression himself.
Additionally, when 'that' question is asked preceded by an apology for needing to ask 'that' question, it may cause feelings of shame and isolation in the person you are trying to help.
So what should you ask? Here are some suggestions that may be helpful, organisations I have worked with are now using them;
💙 For loved ones - "I (we) am so concerned that you might hurt yourself or something even worse. Promise me you aren't thinking of that, I love you too much and will do whatever it takes to help you."
"I care about you, I can see that you are hurting, and I want to make sure that you will talk with me if ever you have thoughts about taking your own life/suicide."
💙 For colleagues - "Are you considering taking some drastic action like taking your own life/suicide."
"When we become overwhelmed, we sometimes have thoughts of suicide, are you having those thoughts, or perhaps had them in the past?"
💙 For both - "Professional counselling/support does help, please let me get some support for you, we can go together if that would help."
Getting expert attention is imperative if you have any concerns that someone is thinking of committing suicide, preferably from a registered psychotherapist/psychologist.
Look after yourself - be selfish to be selfless.