The Benefit of Eye Contact, a Smile, and a Knowing Nod.

Sometimes men have difficulty in sharing how we feel with other men, and this can be harmful to our well-being if we keep something held inside for too long. Here's a technique that I used to great success when conducting suicide interventions to connect with the person.

If you know (or have a feeling that) the man you are speaking with has something to share but is reluctant to; smile slightly, look at them directly in the eye, and nod your head twice in a knowing way then look away. You can do the same if the man has told you something personal that they were holding inside.

This indicates without words “I’ve got your back”, “It’s okay if you want to say it”, or “Thanks for telling me this”.

The technique stems from one of our socialisation protocols, direct eye contact. Men do not use direct eye contact (looking directly into the eye) unless the person is special to them, or they want to fight. Mostly, men simply look at the eyebrows or base of the nose of the person they are talking with.

When speaking with a man, notice where they are looking. You may think that we are looking at your eyes, often we aren’t. Mostly, our gaze is fixed on one spot or we move our eyes in and out of the conversation. If we look at your eyes, it is actually only one eye. Women look into the both eyes during a conversation, watch as they look from eye to eye.

Men also tend to look at the mouth of the other person so that we can see and hear what the other person is saying. We are reading their facial expressions looking for signs of emotion – happy, sad, or anger.

Ladies, be careful if you use the aforementioned technique on a man. When you smile at a man, look them directly in the eyes and nod your head with a smile, we may misread the message completely.

Let's Talk!

If They Only Knew of The Pain and Guilt.

For many years, I have seen the devastating impact that a successful suicide has on family and friends. Not just from the loss of a dear loved one, but the feelings of guilt, regret, remorse, shame, and wishing that they could just tell their lost loved one how much they miss them.

The victims of a suicide are those left behind, not just the suicider. Often, family and friends will talk at the funeral of "If I had only known, I would have said something, I could have helped". And they most likely could have if they had known. They will then try to look for the signs that their loved one displayed in the days and months leading up to the event. Sometimes there are, sometimes there aren't.

On most occasions, the victims start piecing together individual signs of distress drawn from other people, and a picture begins to emerge.

When we do this, we are left feeling much worse. We may even start to self-blame, tell our self that we should have seen the signs, that we should have done more, that it is our fault for not helping. Don't do that to yourself, it's not your fault nor is it the fault of the suicider.

There are many signs that someone is unwell, the most common ones being an inability to sleep, excessive use of drugs and/or alcohol, expressing feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, an unsuccessful attempt, the list goes on.

For me, the greatest indicator that someone is unwell and may be suicidal is that they won't look at you when you talk with them.

They always look at the floor with their head down. They will mumble, there won't be that usual spark in their voice. As a crisis negotiator, with suicide intervention as a specialty, this is the most common sign I have seen in every single case. And unfortunately, there have been lots of them.

If the person you are talking with is sullen, down, and won't look at you when you talk with them, they need help. As soon as possible. Don't leave them alone, take them to a doctor, psychologist, counsellor, anyone who can help. And stay with them.

Don't try to fix them, just be there with them.

The victims of a suicide are often left questioning "Why didn't they say something to me, why didn't they ask for help?" It is because they can't ask. They often don't know what is going on as their irrational thoughts become rational, they don't want to hurt you, they don't want to trouble you, they don't want to feel like a failure.

In my humble opinion, telling people who are struggling to reach out for help is not the solution to reducing successful suicides, the solution is for us to reach out to them. They are struggling and can't, won't, or don't know how to reach out because of the turmoil going on inside their head.

If those who were considering taking their own life were to think about the devastation that their death is going cause on their family, it probably wouldn't change things. That's a rational thought remember. In fact, they will tell you that they are more likely hurting those around them by being alive, that's how irrational their thoughts are.

The challenge for all of us today is to reach out to someone who we think might be struggling - "Are you okay?" Three simple words that could save a life. Three simple words that do no harm if we may have it wrong.

Let's talk!

Why Are Men Reluctant to Talk?

At a presentation yesterday, I suggested that men don't like to talk about their personal issues as much as women might, particularly so when they may be overwhelmed and have suicidal thoughts.

It has long been my contention that men are not programmed to talk about such things, a legacy of our forebears.

In times gone by, men would hunt wild animals, go to battle, and do many other dangerous things out of a need to survive. We know from historical drawings that men would show themselves as conquerors despite the drawings suggesting that their 'enemy' was much larger than they were.

The inference being that men were afraid yet worked through that fear, they just never talked about their fear.

Ask a man if he goes to the doctor when he has an injury or is unwell, or if he rests to recuperate. Most will tell you that they don't, with a high number going for a run or to the gym just to confirm that they are injured or unwell. Again, a legacy of our ancestors from my readings.

In todays world, it has been my experience that men who struggle are often reluctant to talk about their personal issues for several reasons, the main one being they might be seen as weak, as a failure, of no longer being a 'man'.

It was suggested yesterday that it might also be a cultural issue - it is not part of our culture to talk about suicide and depression - or that it is a societal no-no to discuss suicide - let's keep it under the radar and not talk about it for whatever reason. This might be the case in some instances, however for me the problem is that men are reluctant to talk for the aforementioned reasons. We aren't programmed to talk in this way.

It is not perceived as 'manly' to show a weakness let alone talk about it.

As someone who struggled himself, I did not tell my family because I didn't want to trouble them. I didn't tell my friends because what would they think of me. I didn't tell my colleagues because I might lose my job. So, I told no one. And I hid my struggle for as long as I could.

Our irrational thoughts become rational when we are struggling. Unless you have been there yourself, you can never comprehend this explanation.

I wonder what would have happened to me if someone, another man perhaps, had come to me and said "Hey Lance, are you okay?" I probably would have answered, "Yes". Why, because I couldn't talk, it was as if my brain was programmed not to talk about this 'stuff'.

I wanted to hide away and wait for things to get better. They don't get better, they get worse.

I would like to think that if someone had pushed me further and said - "I am struggling myself, I just don't know who to talk to" - that I would have opened up to him or her. Maybe that's what we should do to help overcome this dilemma, whether it is a historical, a societal, or a cultural barrier.

I would like to think that if you see a man, or anyone for that matter, who appears to be struggling, that you would push them to talk. Make it okay for them to do so. How, by first sharing your story if you have one or by letting the struggling person know that it is safe to talk with you. Let them know that what they say will remain with you in confidence, provided of course that they aren't suicidal.

Let them know that they aren't weak, that they are normal, that they're just going through a bad patch and that there is a way out.

Suicidal thoughts are a natural process of the fight or flight response, it's another option of fleeing. Depression and suicide often go hand-in-hand, but not always. Suicidal thoughts may be an instant emotional reaction to an emotional situational.

Reach out, let's talk, let's break down these barriers.

Are Baby Boomers Selfish?

I heard a comment this morning that Baby Boomers are selfish! I wonder if that is the case? Here's my opinion on that comment based on the work that I undertake daily in organisations.

Depending on which website you so to, Baby Boomers (BB's) for the most part were born between 1946 and 1964. Their parents, the Traditionalists born before 1946, had been through tough times in their own upbringing which was reflected in the way they raised their children, the BB's. Tough times meant tough decisions had to be made about what, if any, disposable income should be spent on. Strict discipline was how BB's were kept in line should they stray.

As they were growing up, most Baby Boomers made a silent pact that they would never let their own children go without, as they perceived this was occurring in their own upbringing. Not that they didn't go without, BB's just wanted to give their children more so that they didn't have to work as hard. And not just more, BB's wanted to provide the very best of what was available for their family.

Baby Boomers, for the most part, were workaholics - ask them to work overtime and they said 'Yes' without consulting their partner or considering how it might impact on their family - by working overtime they were being successful and bringing home the food so their family will be happy, wouldn't they? BB's had no hesitation in going to work outside of business hours to catch up when behind in their work or might bring work home with them.

Funnily enough, and despite bringing work home, work and home were never mixed. BB's left what was happening at home, at home. Never talk to them about their family if it is not part of the conversation or relevant in any way. This was personal. Baby Boomers were, and still are, driven. Success to them was either a promotion at work, a fancy title, monetary bonus, a nice house, or just being able to afford whatever they wanted to. All of this was done in the name of their family and they were proud of their success.

Baby Boomers learned from books called encyclopedias - really big books that were years out of date by the time that they were printed. They didn't have instant access to information therefore had to store their readings inside of their heads for long periods of time. Most BB's did this by rote learning, going over and over the information until it was ingrained in their heads. They have the ability to retain more information than any other generation and will be quick to tell you so.

If BB's had to learn a new skill, they had to first unlearn the old one or slowly modify the way in which they worked to move to the new skill. The way Baby Boomers spoke with each other was also unique, they masked the difficult part of the conversation around nice messages, hence the praise sandwich was born. They also spoke in long sentences because, apart from reading, this is how they passed on information.

Are Baby Boomers selfish, certainly not, they do what they do for their family. Do they want to leave a legacy for their family, mostly they do in the form of property or material items. Do they care about others, you bet, they just won't tell you because they simply get on and do it. Do they want to 'fit in', yes.

In my humble opinion, where BB's need to change is in the way that they communicate and behave. In short, they need to change their seemingly selfish ways.

BB's could stop comparing the way that they were raised with the way children are raised today. BB's could think more about the wider community and not just their own family and circle of friends. BB's could take more cognisance of how the environment is at risk if things continue the way they are. BB's could modify the way that they talk with others, millennials and pluralists don't converse that way. BB's could consider that information today is instant therefore sitting for long periods of time studying is no longer necessary.

Finally, Baby Boomers, Millenials and Pluralists called all learn from the Traditionalists. For the most part, Tradiltionalists were respectful in their communications regardless of what they thought or of their personal views.

And before you Baby Boomers jump on what I have just said, not all of you are the same, I get that. We don't like being lumped into the same group and don't like generalisations. We you ask? Yes, I am a Baby Boomer too.

Three Things We Need To Stop Doing More Of!

You would have heard it said many times, our brain is wired with biases - both unconscious and conscious - to keep us safe.

There are three common things that most of us do that we may or may not be conscious of;

1) Reading minds - How often have you walked by someone and greeted them with a smile only to have them scowl back at you. Immediately you think "What have I done wrong?" Most often, you haven't done anything wrong and, most often, the other person has something on their mind that is unrelated to you.

If this happens to you, ask the person if they are okay. That way you will know if it was something that you did or said that has offended them, you have clarified what is going on, and you may just have helped the other person.

2) Catastrophising - You are planning a trip, heading to an interview, or just going to the shops. Next thing you find yourself searching for everything that could go wrong - what if the plane is delayed, what if I say the wrong thing, what if it rains - all of which may or may not happen. Perhaps you have heard that your boss wants to speak to you about something that you did wrong, you begin to look for everything that you ever did wrong. You meet with your boss and it turns out you did nothing wrong at all, the message was incorrectly passed to you.

Most of us are wired to think the worst of everything, it is done so to keep us safe. To stop this, bring yourself back to the moment and deal with what is front of you. By all means think about what might go wrong so that you have an alternate plan but don't let this overshadow what could go right.

3) Self-blaming - Something goes wrong and your immediate thought is that you made a mistake, that you should or shouldn't have done something, that if only you had done something different then this wouldn't have happened.

If you have done something wrong, own it, fix it, and move on. As is often the case 'it's not all about you' so stop blaming yourself.

Negative thinking will make things worse for you. Negative thinking will wear you down. Negative thinking adds unneeded worry to your already busy life. Stop it!