Calm Down or Get Out!

Ever find yourself getting angry at little things these days, possibly things that would never have angered you before? What is going on, why is this happening, and what can you do to stop it?

There are plenty of theories around why we are angrier than ever before - the fast-pace of life, frustration from an inability to keep up with advances, a sense of injustice, increased negative media coverage, heightened awareness of political issues, the list goes on.

For me, being a simple man, it's a no-brainer. We aren't talking enough.

Rather than talk about how we feel about something, we either express ourselves on social media or bottle it up inside. Eventually, just like a volcano that can't release a little bit of pressure from time-to-time, we erupt. And we can't stop the explosion of angry words despite hearing ourselves do it.

It is extremely important to talk to others about life's pressures, it relieves the pressure through socialisation.

If we don't talk, our brain stores the negative 'stuff' inside our brain (the hippocampus) and when we are faced with a similar issue that made us angry at another time, it releases this pent-up energy with a flurry of expletives that we can't control.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are about to explode with anger, there's a little trick I learned when undertaking crisis negotiating to keep myself calm;

1. Take a long, deep, quiet breath - fill your lungs fully with air.
2. Hold your breath for at least 3 seconds - this slows your heart rate.
3. Count inside your head as you hold your breath - this overcomes the psychological response of rage by directing your thoughts back to the calmer left brain.
4. Slowly release your breath - oxygen is released into your blood and pushes out the cortisol-infected blood which has been slowing your thought process.

If this technique doesn't work for you, walk away and come back later.

Venting is a good thing when we are angry as it alleviates the pressure and makes us feel calmer. Venting is bad for us when we take it out on someone else - it's not their fault and we will feel guilt and regret once we have calmed.

As we move into the busy season, let's talk more about our frustrations and emotions to let off some steam. Let's not take it out on those who just want to help.

I'm Angry, Help Me Or Else!

There is no doubt that we are unafraid to show our displeasure in these busy times. Ask anyone who works in the customer service industry and they will tell you that they have seen a recognisable upsurge in angry people. And it's across both sexes.

Frustration, confusion and fear are the main drivers of anger in the customer service industry.

Frustration at things not happening as expected or promised, products or services not meeting expectations, or from delays. Confusion arises when we are told different things by those working in the same organisation or their policies are incredibly confusing. Fear from the unknown, we like certainty in our life when it comes to products and services and if we don't know then it can cause anger.

So, who's at fault - the customer or the company? Both.

When dealing with customers, it is imperative that you explain as much as possible about the product or service that you offer. In particular, take some time to go over the negative aspects of the product or service which cause the most complaints.

As a customer, it is imperative that you ask (and listen) to have a clearer picture of what you are purchasing so that you are fully informed and that your expectations aren't set too high.

What if it all goes wrong? Don't get angry, don't get even, get an answer.

When things go wrong don't jump to conclusions, don't take immediate action, and certainly don't get angry. Anger, just like worry, is a wasted emotion. It helps no one.

Instead, take your time. Gather what information you have, put some structure around how you will communicate your concern, and only then should you make contact with the organisation.

Flying off the handle due to the amygdala hijack with only half of the information and no structure will always end badly, for you.

It's often not the fault of the customer service representative with whom you are speaking so don't take your anger out on them. That person will only become defensive and the chances of getting a successful resolution rapidly diminish.

Those in the customer service industry don't go out of their way to annoy you, to hurt you, or to not meet your expectations. Just like you, they would prefer things to go smoothly so that they can also have a stress-free life.

The next time that things don't quite go to plan, don't get angry and take it out on the customer service representative, don't threaten them, and certainly don't abuse them. It is unhelpful and unnecessary.

You get more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

Starting Difficult Conversations at Work.

You have something that you want to say to a co-worker that might offend them, you must deliver bad news to a direct report, or perhaps you simply want to clarify a comment made by a supervisor that you took personally.

Starting difficult conversations can be hard - when is the right time, what do I say, what happens if it all goes wrong - the list goes on. The dilemma for most people is that the longer they leave the conversation, the worse they fear holding it. Conversely, if they start a conversation too soon they may not have thought it all of the way through and fear making a mistake or becoming emotional.

Previously, we would start a conversation by saying something like "Have you got a minute?" Difficult conversations seldom end within 60 seconds. Or we said "Can I interrupt you?" Too late, you already have.

Today we get straight to the point, with a tinge of politeness. "Is now a good time to talk" or "When is a good time to talk" are two sentences that work well for starting most difficult conversations at work. Why? Because you have indicated that you want to talk and you have asked the other person what time they would like to do so. Direct and polite.

When the conversation commences, again go straight to the point - 'This what happened, this was the result and this is how it impacted on me'. Or - 'This is what you are doing, this is the consequence, this is what I want you to do from now on'.

In earlier times, we Baby Boomers would use the praise (s*#t) sandwich - 'Say something nice, say something bad, say something nice'. Those days are long gone. Why, because all the receiver hears are the good things, the bad part which we should be focusing on is buried in the conversation.

Rightly or wrongly, conversations have got shorter at work therefore we need to adjust our own conversation style accordingly.

Open, honest, and direct is a reasonable guide when holding conversations at work.

Suicidal Ideations Are Scary.

This will be the last in this series of talking about suicide. I want to dispel a few myths about suicidal ideations, thoughts of killing oneself. If you are feeling this way, I implore you to seek help from an expert. Go and see your doctor, a psychologist, or a psychotherapist. Counsellors may also be able to help.

I had thoughts of killing myself when I was unwell, and it is damn scary. I was lucky, I walked straight out the door to get help and it saved my life.

I have since been researching why we have these thoughts and how to prevent them. The explanations were wide and varied, most explaining that it is a response to the current situation you find yourself in - from depression to bipolar, loss of work and/or relationship, overwhelming feelings of guilt and regret - the list goes on.

For me, I got tired of fighting the dark thoughts and my brain said "Here's a way out of the pain." It was a series of small fleeting thoughts, then I had a massive ideation. Because I was at work, because I knew I was unwell, because I had just become a crisis negotiator and realised what was going on, and because I was lucid enough to know what was happening, I avoided taking action on the thought.

The thought was so real that it seemed like a realistic option.

Research suggests that most adults have experienced at least a glimpse of thinking about killing themselves over their lifetime. Maybe so, but it doesn't help those who are having these thoughts.

It is, in my humble opinion, essentially a reaction to a terrible situation as part of the fight-or-flight response. You are not going crazy, you are simply going through a natural reaction to an intense situation. It's not the end for you, it is merely the bottom and now time for a new beginning.

The good news, it is recoverable and preventable.

If you have been reading my posts regularly, you will know the answer already. Talking. Tell someone, talk about it, seek help. It is that simple. Or maybe not so easy because often when we are unwell we don't know what is going on inside our heads. That's why it is important to seek help.

To use an analogy, if you have a serious medical condition you tell someone, talk to your friends, search the internet, and go and get help. Suicidal ideations are no different to a serious medical condition, go and get help, NOW.

You are normal, you are special, and you are worth it. Don't feel as though you have failed, there are some things that we need help with. This is one of those situations.

Let's talk.

Get Rid Of The Stigma.

Having delivered a presentation on resiliency to a police conference yesterday, speaking about how easy it can be to go into depression and have suicidal thoughts, I was asked a question - "What about the stigma if you speak up about being suicidal?"

I simply replied - "Talk about it to normalise it."

There is no doubt there remains a stigma attached to mental illness, an unfair mark of disgrace should you reveal that you are unwell. I believe the stigma is still real because we have never talked openly about mental illness, it has always been the unspoken 'disease' that we hid away.

Any one of us, given the right circumstances, is susceptible to a mental illness. Indeed, statistics indicate that 1-in-4 people have had a mental illness. I am going to go out on a limb and suggest it is probably double that. The statistics only record 'reported' illnesses, I have met many people who refused to seek professional help for whatever reason which goes unreported.

Using an analogy, if I break my arm and it is set in a cast, people will stop and ask what happened then show genuine concern and empathy for me. If I break my brain, people often aren't so empathetic and may try to avoid talking with me. Why is that?

Mostly, we fear the unknown.

Having been a police officer, isolation was what you could expect if you suggest that you are unwell in your head. Let me tell you, picking up body parts after a horrific road crash, prising a dead baby from her loving mothers arms, entering a house to locate an armed offender, and being assaulted, imprints negatively on your memory forever. And that's just one shift.

Other occupations are no different - soldiers, fire fighters, and ambulance officers to name a few - all undertake work that human brains are not programmed for. Call centre staff also have their fair share of stressful situations that few of us get to see.

In these times when suicide rates are rapidly climbing, we need to take action to reduce this preventable illness. We can't remain ignoring mental illness, doing nothing won't change the situation.

Talking about how mental illness affects and effects people is the way to overcome any stigma and will encourage those who are unwell to seek help.

Let's talk more about mental illness to educate and remove the stigma.