"My Best Friend Died." Should I Say Sorry?

In times when a friend tells you some sad news, our first response is to say how sorry we are. That's without question the right thing to say. But what if you don't know the person telling you the sad news, is saying sorry the right thing to say?

The word sorry has an unusual impact on us personally, because it is just that, a personal word. When we use it, our brain tends to recall the event later as we sit and reflect on our day. Think now about the last time you used the word sorry, I suspect that you can and that you remember the circumstances as to why you said it.

The word sorry has also become commonplace, we use it a lot therefore it has lost some of its meaning. For some, the word sorry has become the 'go to' word for every time that they make a mistake and because of this it sounds disingenuous.

So what you should say if a stranger tells you some sad news? If you use the word sorry, then ensure that you finish the sentence off properly with something like "...to hear that has happened to you", or "...to hear that (repeat their message)."

For example, a person who you don't know tells you that their friend died. You could say "I am sorry to hear that your friend has died." Or, "I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you." This sounds a little more genuine and will stop you reflecting on the conversation later on.

I try not to use the word sorry when someone who I don't know tells me sad news. The reason is simple, I do not know the person therefore saying sorry may sound trite. It may also provoke anger in the other person as they retort "You shouldn't be sorry, you don't know me or who I'm talking about."

Instead, I will try to say something like "I can't imagine what that must be like", or "That must be terribly difficult", or "The loss of someone is never easy is it", or "Are you coping okay with everything?" Then I leave a gap and wait for the other person to talk.

On most occasions, the other person will respond by telling me how they feel. They may even shed a tear or two, and that is a good thing. If they do cry, say to them "Take your time". They will usually take a breath and regain control and be able to move on.

It is important to acknowledge an emotion in our daily conversations. There is a saying in crisis negotiating - 'Acknowledging an emotion disarms it' - and it does. It helps the other person having someone acknowledge the situation and/or emotion that they find themselves stuck in. And, it also helps you by making you feel good about being able to help someone in their difficult time.

We are humans and for most of us, it's all about our emotions.

I Can't Do This, It's All Too Hard!

I still hear people saying how difficult it is to change their thinking from negative to positive. And I admit that it is difficult to do, in fact you can never be totally positive because of the wiring in your brain.

Because your brain has a negative bias, it thinks and remembers mostly negative information. It does so to help keep you out of danger. When something bad happens to you, there is a marker placed in your long-term memory so that the next time something similar happens to you, your brain will retrieve this memory as a reference point,

This action then becomes a pattern of behaviour if you let it become so or if you are at a low point in your life. This habit can be changed but it takes time, at least 60 to 80 days in fact. There is no quick fix for your brain except maybe for a headache!

There are several techniques that you can try which will stop your negative thinking;

• Punishment - wear a rubber band on your wrist and flick it on the inside of your wrist to produce pain each time you catch yourself having a negative thought.
• Diversion - immediately think of; a happy thought, a place that you like to go to, a movie that you have seen, a holiday you went to, anything positive that diverts the negative thought.
• Let it go - this technique has been around for a while and works for a lot of people. Rather than 'fight' to push the thought away, acknowledge it and then let it gently leave your thought process. If it comes back again do the same thing until eventually the thought no longer returns.
• Affirmation - have a 'go to' positive mantra that you keep repeating in your head.
• Stop talking negative - if you are noticing that you are talking negatively, change it. For example, we have a tendency to identify the bad stuff if someone asks us how our day was, instead tell them what was good about your day.
• Smile & laugh - force yourself to smile as much as possible, this tells your brain that you are happy.
• Stop looking back - negative thinking can be due to feelings of guilt and regret from past mistakes. Be in the here and now when this occurs by focussing intently on what you are doing.
• Be around positive people - negative people are destructive so exclude them from your circle of friends. Be around happy people and those you want to be around.
• Journal positive events - write down one or two positive things that happen to you each day and read the list at the conclusion of the week or when you are overcome with negative feelings.
• Read positive quotes - studies have shown that reading positive quotes can help to change your thoughts. (I post four of these each evening on my personal FB site https://www.facebook.com/lance.burdett.5/)

Choose any one of the techniques from above and keep using that technique for at least a week. If you haven't noticed a change then try another technique for the same period. Some of you may want to try using a combination of techniques to get a faster result.

Finally, you must keep reminding yourself that it's all just a thought. Often when we think of something so intently all the time it becomes part of us and we start believe that it is reality. It's not, it's just a thought.

The Top Five Workplace Stressors.

Overwork, without a doubt, has the biggest negative impact on us all. However, 'burnout' caused from overwork is not a workplace stressor, that is a life-stressor. There have been many articles written on how to streamline our workload to become more efficient and these are great but all that seems to happen is that we end up doing more work in our day!

If we are going to spend hours and hours at work, I am more interested in what happens across our day that aggravates us or adds to our bucket of stress. Skill Boosters, a leading training provider on the workplace in the United Kingdom, have identified the top five triggers for stress in the workplace;

Insufficient Breaks - We need at least a five to ten minute break every hour, particularly if we sit at a desk and/or use a computer for most of the day. Eating lunch at our desk is another habit that we should break.

Working When Sick - Some of us feel guilty if we don't turn up for work every day, regardless of whether we are ill. By doing this we simply extend our recovery time and our work is often poor as a result of being unwell. Additionally, our colleagues won't thank us for spreading our germs.

Difficult People - We all have them at work, people who are just pains in the butt because of their behaviour. Most are surly, sullen, negative people who can't help but tell everyone what they think and have an inability to see the negative impact of their behaviour. They are usually aged from 55 to 65 years and have a high level of narcissism. They attract the highest level of complaints against them, from both outside and inside the organisation. These people need to be clearly shown the problems that they are causing and highly-managed to try and change their negative behaviour.

Lack of Control - Micro-management, working in a void, not knowing what is happening, and having no control over what occurs in the workplace will fester an unhappy (and possibly hostile) workplace. Change management and culture change is bottom up, not top down. Have confidence that you employed the best person for the job therefore show that confidence by allowing staff to control their work.

Poor Environment - Too much noise and insufficient natural light are the main environmental factors impacting on our wellbeing today. Open plan offices can be distracting and there are studies that show a decrease in productivity by as much as 20% when open plan offices are introduced. We all need natural light as part of our circadian rhythm to manage sleep patterns. If your workplace doesn't provide natural light and there are no plans to open up walls to let the light into the office, you should go outside during your breaks.

If we are spending more time at work then work needs to be as least stressful as possible. Ultimately, I believe, you have to ask yourself if working longer and harder is really worth it for your health and wellness. I am not an advocate of taking work home but being at home and working rather than working late in the office is possibly the less of two evils.

As you know, there have been very few people laying on their deathbed wishing that they had spent more time at work.

How To Say 'No' To Reduce Pressure.

Often we find it difficult to say 'no' - to push back on additional work, to tell our boss that we have too much on without adding more work to the pile, to reduce the pressure coming down on us from above.

Try some of these methods of saying "No" to receiving more work;

• Say 'Yes' followed by a rider - "Yes I can, let's look at what else I have on and see where I can fit it in." or "Yes, although it might take me a little while to get to it given the other priorities that I have at the moment." or "Yes of course I can, is the end of the week okay?" All of these sentences are subtle ways of saying that you have lots to do already.
• Say 'No', followed by a maybe - "No I can't at this time however if you leave it with me I will get to it as soon as I can." or "No, not right now, how urgent is it?" or "No, but there may be a chance later in the week."
• Say 'No' without a maybe - "No I can't I'm afraid as I simply have too much on at the moment and I do not want to rush and make a mistake."
• Offer a solution - "I am snowed under at the moment, have you asked...." or "I am unable to help right now, are there other options that you have considered to get this done?"
• Thank them - "Thank you for bringing this to me, you know that I like to assist whenever I can. I was going to catch up on other work first if that is okay?"

There are a couple of rules to adhere to when saying 'No':

1. Be polite - Rude people get treated rudely, no one wins.
2. Learn how to say 'no' - The more that you say 'no' the easier it becomes.
3. Don't always say 'no' - be careful not to fall into the trap of alienating yourself from others because you always say 'no' to everything or being seen as negative person.
4. 'No' is a negative word - take care that you do not use 'no' for everything as 'no' is a negative word and your brain will register the negativity and begin to 'think' that way.
5. Soften the word if you can - because the word 'no' is short and sharp, it can often sound abrupt. Try adding words with a similar meaning such as 'unable to' or 'cannot at the moment' or 'not right now'.

Say 'no' only if you really have to, helping others is a form of altruism and the benefits of doing so are beneficial to your wellbeing.

Pushing Back on Targets, Goals, Quotas and Pressure.

I am often asked about what to do or say if your boss is putting you under too much pressure to meet targets. My answer "It depends".

Let's get the 'depend' out of the way - the first thing to look at is you. Look at yourself in comparison to those around you. If you have the same goals and targets as everyone else and you aren't meeting yours while everyone else is, then you may need to change something.

Assuming that it is not you, that it is your boss who is being unfair, then they need to change. You would know that goals should be in the SMART format - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time Bound. There are many variations of this acronym however all have it expressed somewhere that the goal has to be realistic.

The problem with setting goals is that they are either set so high that people give up, or, once achieved the work rate drops off.

Research now suggests that, while targets are a good way of motivating employees, this only works if the goals are agreed upon by both parties and that the goal is a range rather than a set mark.

So how do you push back on too much work and what do you say if you aren't meeting your targets?

The first one is relatively simple and often works if done appropriately. When your boss gives you more work - agree with them that you can take on more work, then show them your list of current work and ask "How do you want me to prioritise this list?" They may not be aware of how much work you actually have so this a good way of showing them. If you don't want to tell your boss face-to-face, send your list of tasks in an email and ask your boss to number the tasks in the order that they would like them to be completed.

Targets are different. If you aren't meeting your targets and you have looked at yourself first, the next step is to establish why you aren't meeting them. It is unfair of organisations to berate you if you aren't meeting a target in one area yet excelling in another. Write down where you are doing well and show how this balances out the lack of achievement in another area. Often when setting targets, we aren't comparing like-for-like nor taking into account individual strengths and weaknesses.

If you cannot persuade your boss to set a range of targets as the goal then ask for additional support or resources to assist you, such as training or mentoring. If they are unmoved or being a 'dick' (a technical term for a bully) about it, go back and read my post on dealing with bullies.

You might want to consider asking them to read this post and point them to the latest research!

It is important to have pressure in our lives, it keeps us motivated, enthused and vibrant. However, it becomes detrimental to our health when we are under relentless pressure and see no clear way forward.