Pressure, Stress, Depressed and Depression.

"Is all of this resiliency stuff that you talk about really that important Lance?" I was asked recently. Of course you would know what my response was, "Yes". If you don't start taking notice of what is happening to you in this busy world that we live in you may be taken down without you even knowing it.

There are a few ways of getting depression, of becoming unwell as I refer to it, the most common one today for leaders and managers is from burnout. Who would have thought that working hard could hurt you? It can and it does. And it is killing people on a daily basis as a result.

In a work context, often the way in which people 'fall over' is when they are placed under too much pressure. Pressure is good for us, it excites us, stimulates us, keeps us focussed and we are often at our best when under pressure. Pressure is usually lots of things to do and not enough time to do them in. Pressure is mostly from an external source. We can all handle a bit of pressure from time to time, in fact we need it to keep us motivated.

However, when pressure becomes relentless, we may become overwhelmed if we aren't looking after ourselves. And that can lead to us thinking that we are under stress. Never ever think that, when you do so there are neurological changes that occur and your body will react accordingly. Stress is internal, it is you telling yourself that you are stressed. No person can make you stressed, or stress you out, it is simply your internal reaction to their external action. Instead, tell yourself that you are "busy" and that you need to slow down. In short, replace the word stress with busy.

If you keep telling yourself that you are stressed, you may become depressed. Being depressed is not the same as depression. Being depressed is generally a low mood from either being too busy or you are in a rut. If someone tells me that they are depressed, I ask them what is making them feel down. People become sullen, unmotivated, lethargic when they have been under lots of pressure and can't see a way out.

At this stage, if you have been under pressure for too long and perhaps telling yourself that you are stressed, you could go into depression. There is usually a catalyst at this point, something unintended, comes out of the blue. Often it is something personal that strikes us in our heart. Negative thoughts flood in, we isolate ourselves from others, become moody, have trouble focussing, start making mistakes, try to keep busy, and worst of all, don't tell anyone as we try to work through it alone.

While this is usually the pattern that we go through when work gets the better of us, there are variables. Know that if you are doing a lot of self-talking, trying to keep yourself busy, not going out as much as you use to, not wanting to talk with others, have lost the urge to do spontaneous things, don't smile as much as you once did, and cannot look others in the eye, then you need to make some changes at work.

Tomorrow I will talk about how to push back when pressure is mounting at work. Pressure is a good thing, too much of it can be detrimental to your wellbeing. Prevention is the key, and this is achieved through balance.

Depression - A Punishment or a Gift?

I went to see a one-man show last night titled - Shot Bro, Confessions of a Depressed Bullet. The writer and performer, New Zealand actor Rob Mokaraka, tells of his personal battle with depression through theatre. A great performance and a very powerful story for those of us who have been to the same dark place as Rob has.

The show also provides an insight into the mind of a depressed person for those who have not been to that unspeakable place. Rob openly admits having to manage himself so that he does not slip back down into the black hole, and I am the same. We both have to watch what we do so that we are not overcome with our busy lives.

You do as well, you need to watch yourself because this stuff sneaks up on you when you least expect it. "It always happens to someone else" was my common response when I heard that someone had fallen over. "They just need to harden up" was another. Worse still, I would say "They are just soft". So life did what life often does in these situations, it gave me a sneak preview of the dark side as a way of enlightening me. Thanks life!

Apart from those who may have an underlying medical condition, most people who have had depression are just like Rob and I, and just like you. Yes, we may be 'soft'. Every person that I have met who has had depression is sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and giving. But they are just ordinary people like Rob, you, and I.

Ordinary people who have got busy, who wanted to please, who wanted to help as much as possible, and who forgot about themselves.

Our work scratches at the armour we hide behind, it weakens the metal plates that protect us, it keeps us moving forward to run away from our thoughts, it leaves us open and vulnerable. And then suddenly out of nowhere 'life' comes and slaps us down. It is often something personal, something that stabs us right in the heart and takes us down. We fight it, but eventually we have to face up to 'life' and we fall into the deep black hole.

It may take a while to get back out, some say twice as long to get out as it does to fall in. "3-to-5" I say, three to five years to climb back to the top of the hole. But the journey is so well worth it. The things that you learn on the long climb out of the hole opens your eyes to many things.

You learn about yourself, about just how strong you really are. And you are very, very strong indeed. Your mind goes to places that few get the opportunity to go to, (and would not want them to go to), and you learn how to live again. It is like being reborn, a second chance at life, a chance to make things right and a chance to help others. Just like Rob is doing now.

I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone, not even for our worst enemies. However, what I learned about life on my journey I could not have learned any other way. And for that I am very grateful. More grateful still to those who stuck by me.

Each of us who have been in the dark hole have a responsibility. A responsibility to help others; to help those who are going through tough times, to provide an insight for those who have not been there nor should ever want to, and to ensure that as few people as possible have to fall into the abyss.

Rob Mokaraka is a brave man, he relives his dark time night after night in his show. He does this to help others. Thank you Rob.

Why am I So Hard On Myself?

Most of us do it - over-think, over-react, over-worry, and over-analyse - and I for one am over it. But I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I teach this stuff and even I can't think positively all of the time. Why is that, what hope do others have if I can't stop myself from doing it?

The truth is we can't stop the negative bias that is hardwired into our brain. I have met many positive people and when asked if they are positive all of the time the answer is always the same, no.

We need that negative bias to keep us safe, to keep us from making the same mistake that got us into trouble last time, to keep us from doing dumb things, to keep us on alert and to keep us at our best.

I challenge anyone to tell me that they have never had a negative thought, never sit and ponder over their mistakes, never have a thought of guilt or regret, and never wondered "What if" or "If only". History (evolution) ensures that we have these thoughts so that we can survive and thrive.

What positive people do is to manage the negative thinking by; making amends, dealing with it in some practical way, looking for the positives, or dismissing it altogether and moving on if none of the first three options are available.

That's the secret in all of this, if you can't fix it then forget it. As the over-thought comes into your head - acknowledge it, apologise or make amends for what occurred, work hard to make it right, look at what you learnt from it, - and then move on as quickly as possible.

Remember that we cannot change 50% of worry, it is hereditary. The other 50% we can change because it has become a habit. And a bad one at that.

Worry, guilt, and regret - these are the things that will take you down if you continue to let them get the better of you. (And that’s all they are, thoughts). The next thing that will happen if you keep thinking this way will be feelings of failure, that you aren't good enough, that you aren't worthy. And then will come the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Stop being so hard on yourself, stop all of those dangerous over-thinking practices that you have become accustomed to, and stop those negative thoughts as much as you can. The more that you practice this the easier it will become.

Break the habit, right now. You are the only you that we have, and the world needs you.

Use Your Brain To Manage STRESS.

As promised, here are some 'brain' (mind) techniques for you to try over the next few weeks and see which one works best for you after you have tried them all.

There are a couple of caveats - if you are very unwell you must seek professional help, not every one of these techniques will work for every person, and you have to work hard at them.

These techniques are not as simple to do as just putting on a pair of running shoes and going for a jog - which of course is very good for you - you have to use your brain to control your mind, or is it your mind to control your brain? Anyway, here they are;

• Stop thinking negatively - the hardest of all techniques to master but one that will give you the maximum benefit if you get it right. Negative self-talk will quickly have you believing that what you are saying inside your head is the truth. It isn't, it's your brain trying to look after you in a weird (wired) way. Rather than doing that, which most of us do by the way, replace negatives with positives to fill the void. Concentrate on what you got right when you made a mistake, always look for one positive when things go wrong, and think about the next step forward rather than dwelling on the negative past.

• Be thankful - similar to the above technique, thinking about what you have and being thankful for these things rather than thinking about what we desire is a great way to make you happier. Studies show that people who practice gratitude, both being thankful for what they have and also offering help to others, are far more relaxed and sleep better than those who do not practice gratitude. Thank someone, offer to help, tell a loved one that you care about them, and only seeing the good in everything are other gratitude techniques for you to try.

• Maintain a positive attitude - if you think it is going to be hard it will be, if you think it is going to be easy the same will occur. Always have a positive attitude by thinking that you can do it, tell yourself that you've got this and it will go smoothly. Smiling and a tall posture will help your positive mental attitude, a lack of facial expression and hunched shoulders will add to your negative attitude. Stand tall, smile, tell yourself that "I've got this!"

• Face your fears - At work, if you do not like doing something or have difficulty doing something or are afraid of actually doing it, you need to do more of it. Elite soldiers and emergency service workers face a lot of fear in their work, and they run towards their fear. This is how they overcome their natural predisposition to fear, they run towards it with a positive mental attitude and put the energy that fear provides to good use. Do not overthink your fear/s; make a plan, practice it, and put it into action. The more you face your fears the easier it becomes and you will start to look for more things to do that make you afraid.

• Let it go - there is little that you can do to change the past other than to fix what you can as much as possible and apologise to those you have hurt if you can't undo what is done. There is not one person who has never made a mistake. Deal with your past demons as much as possible, without adding to the damage already caused (i.e. by hurting others), and move forward. Dwelling on the past will hold you there, as time moves forward you will be stuck back in time. Put your mistakes into a box and bury them deeply by making new positive memories. "Turn your wounds into wisdom" - Oprah Winfrey.

Next week's posts will be filled with random topics as I take a short break to enhance my coaching programs and update the resiliency techniques on the latest research. See you then.

STRESS Buster For The Emotional Brain - Brain Fitness

The 'emotional brain' is where we feel things such as fear, sadness, disgust (hate), anger, and joy. It is part of the limbic system that also includes memory and few other bits and bobs (a technical term for lots of stuff). This is the part of the brain that we should work on more often if we want to stay well in our head.

So often we focus on our physical body - how fit we are, how much we weigh, how good we look, what fuel we put into our bodies - and we forget that we also have a brain to look after. It is true that if we look after our body there are many benefits for the brain such as the release of feel-good chemicals, growth of neurons, and higher self-esteem. However, our brain controls our body so this should in fact be the first place that we start.

Personally, I didn't do any of this and I became unwell in my head. I got brain sickness. To become well again, I worked on my brain more than on my body. (Some might say I am still a bit crazy!)

Brain fitness, controlling our thoughts, can often be difficult hence we either put it off or we try a little bit of it and it soon becomes too hard so we fall back to our previous negative-thought patterns.

Controlling your thoughts is one of the best things that you can do for your brain. The problem is that we don't start thinking about our thoughts until we become unwell. Your brain has a negative bias, it will try to focus only on the things that it thinks will help you - danger - to keep you safe from harm. If we let it take control, our brain will continue to focus solely on the negative aspects of life, your brain becomes a doom & gloom merchant.

The bad news is that fifty percent of this pattern is hereditary, you can't change it. The good news is that the other fifty percent can be changed, and that is more than enough to keep you well (sane). You can stop thoughts of worry, fear, fretting, anxiousness, and you can learn how to be resilient. Why, because they are just thoughts. You just have to do the hard work to control them.

I am still learning all about this brain stuff myself, and I often forget to do what I teach until I start to feel myself worry and fret more than usual. When I recognise my signs (worrying about everything and expressing these worries like a drama king) I work on changing my thoughts by ignoring the negative ones, looking for positives in what I am ding and focussing completely on what I can control.

That's the first thing that I want you to do until my next post, focus on what you can do not what you can't do or what hasn't yet happened. Our brains are wired to exaggerate negative thoughts, you can control this by being in the moment, in the here-and-now, concentrating on what you can do, and focussing on what you have control over.

If you catch yourself having negative thoughts, say to yourself "No" or "Stop". Keep repeating that mantra to yourself inside your head, not out aloud for obvious reasons.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool to control your emotional brain, and the good news is that you can't overuse it.