An Open Letter Of Thanks

You may have seen a documentary that aired on the TVNZ Sunday programme last Sunday (31st July) that featured my 'melt-down' to coincide with the release of my book - Behind The Tape. To say that I was apprehensive to undertake the filming would be a massive understatement.

I know that my brain thinks negatively, I know that my brain exaggerates things, I know that only one of my five emotions is positive, I know that I will focus solely on the detractors when I read the feedback. But that doesn't help to reassure me.

What does reassure me is the positive feedback that I have received about my disclosure - I went mad! Well, not mad, I succumbed to what many of us succumb to, being impacted by life. If I was honest, being far too sympathetic and emotional. Being human.

I could go on about the reasons I went into a dark space, and I will do so in due course. The documentary only scratched the surface. What I do want to say is a huge THANK YOU.

On the long drive back from work today, a tear (tears) came to my eye, not from road film or from pollen, from gratitude.

I am so very grateful for all of the positive messages that I have received - from past, current and prospective police colleagues, from complete strangers who either were or knew someone who were struggling, from those who are in the same dark place that I have been, from those have battled for so long to find the light, and more importantly, from those who are still in the mire. 

Thank you to all of you. I will get to your messages of support eventually to personally thank you, until then please accept this open message as my way of appreciating your kindness. Know that I have left the longer messages or those that require my utmost attention until I can truly respond to you from my heart. Please know that I have read your message and you have lifted my spirits beyond belief.

Humanity is alive and well, I am so pleased that of the many messages I have received - FaceBook, LinkedIn and to my email address - not a single one has been negative of critical. I am so humbled and blessed.

Me te aroha nui ki a koutou katoa - Lots of love to you all.

For Those Who Have Been There.

My apologies for the self-promotion; an hour-long documentary will screen this Sunday (31 July) on the TVNZ program, SUNDAY, about my journey into the darkness and back out again. 

Yes, this is about me, but it also about you - those of you who have been down in the depths or may still be there.

My desire is that you will see this documentary as one of hope, which is the intention of putting myself out there. I was lucky, I climbed back out of my deep dark hole, I honestly wish and pray that you can do the same.

The following day, Monday the 1st August, my book will be published – 'Behind the Tape'. It is an insight into policing, into crisis negotiating, and how quickly my life spiralled out of control because I let it. As I now know it was within my control to avoid it, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The appendices in the book are filled with information on what I learned on my journey and ways to avoid the mistakes that I made. If nothing else, please read these.

Thanks you for taking the time to view this post, I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in all that you do. Kia kaha - be strong, keep going.

Guilty As Charged!

I post frequently on ways in which to support our resiliency, in fact I coach on how to be more resilient. And for the most part I follow my own instructions, I use myself as a crash test dummy to see what works and what doesn't. There's no value in not having a vested interest in your product!

I must confess though I still worry. There, I said it. I still worry. And I worried needlessly last night. I let my brain get away on me and that is asking for trouble.

Research tells us that around 50% of worry is hereditary with the remainder being a pattern of behaviour that we have got into. Worry, for a large part, is simply a habit. And for me it has been a lifelong habit that I am starting to gain control of. Perhaps not enough it would seem.

I am not going to go on about the unnecessary nature of worry, you all know that the majority of worry is simply wasted energy. However, we still need to do a bit of worrying to prepare ourselves for the unforeseen. Worry can keep safe, can prepare us, can help us.

When we worry, we use a particular part of the brain that allows us to manage risk, to prepare for attacks, to keep us sharp, to keep us focussed. And through this process we create answers to problems that are likely to arise and we reassure ourselves that we are ready for whatever may come at us. 

On the extreme side, sometimes we forget the actual subject that we are worrying about and we start to exaggerate the worry process. We distort reality and make ‘stuff’ up. And once we have found a defensive strategy to overcome the subject that we are worrying we forget to stop at that point and search for another thing to worry about for that subject.

It was kindly pointed out to me last night by a friend that I wasn't taking note of my own message, that I was worrying about something that hadn't yet happened, that I should ignore the negative things that a few people will no doubt say about my personal story when it is aired. And my friend is right.

I was guilty of worrying about the wrong things, particularly about what people might say about me. If I have to worry, I will find something more productive to worry about. I might have been guilty of worry, guilty of worrying about things I have no control over and are irrelevant. Today that stops. I take back control of my brain and 'unlearn' a bad habit. 

Life is too short to worry about things that aren’t important. If we must worry, let’s worry about something that will keep ourselves safe and will help others.

Take Your Time, There's No Need To Rush.

I have been rushing for most of my life - rushing to grow up, rushing to progress my career, rushing to be the first, rushing to beat others, rushing to get to the top, rush, rush, rush.

And in my rush I have missed so much - missed being a child, missed having fun, missed stopping for a chat, missed savouring the wonderful moments along the way.

Today, our lives are so much busier than when I was growing up, we all know that. And just lately I have been getting busy with work, at home, and in my personal life. But here's the difference - today I stop and wait, I “Crouch and hold”.

If you ask me if I would like to grab a cuppa, you bet I would. If you want to chat, absolutely. If you want a hand with something, yes I can. If you ask me if I have five minutes to spare, sure I do (unless I have a prior engagement of course). If you need me today, possibly not but let’s look at when we can meet.

Since slowing down I have become much calmer - I chat more, learn more, enjoy more, worry less and aren't so stressed as I once was. I no longer fret that I may miss out if I don’t act now, I no longer pack my diary with appointments, I no longer rush to grab that bargain, I take my time and plan. Wow, what a positive difference this makes.

Slow down, smell the roses, take in the day, savour the moment, be in the moment, and live life to the max. By slowing down you will actually achieve more than you ever thought possible and you will be the better for doing so.

If it is meant to be it will be is my new mantra. And by taking my time it always ends for the better, in more ways than one.

More About My Journey Of Discovery.

Having had a brain-break in 1999, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be free of the effects of this event. Will I ever be 'normal' again, will I be free to work as hard as I used to without fear of going 'mad', will I always be worried about what others think and say about me, will I ever be totally ‘free’?

The answer is, as it is with most things, yes and. Or as we say in New Zealand - "Yeah nah!"

I learnt a lot when I went through my event. I learned that I have to look after myself, I learned that I should never have worked 12-hour days continuously for years on end, I learned that the mind is just as fragile as the body and if you mistreat it your brain will break just like the body, and I learned that I am not indestructible after all.

Going through my recovery was one of true discovery. Everything went from dark to light, opaque to clear, hazy to bright, cloudy to sunny. It didn’t happen overnight, it took a few years, three-to-five as they say. But it was a wonderful journey of discovery.

I discovered that the brain is more important than the body, that it never rests, that it makes stuff up, that it exaggerates the negative, that it will get away on me if I let it, and that it is me who ultimately has control of my brain.

I also discovered that I must take care of my brain, I must rest it when it is tired, that I must exercise it when it has been dormant, that I can work as hard as I want provided I don’t do so for years on end, that I must stop (over) reacting to my negative thoughts, that I must trust my gut instinct more, that I must listen to my brain when it is in slow mode and ignore it when it is sprinting flat-out.

I find now that I am more emotional than I ever was, I am more connected with those around me, that I am more caring about what others think and say, that I should try and help others as much as I can, that how I behave impacts on others without me ever knowing it both positively and negatively. I am more sensitive than I would ever have thought a person should or could be, and that’s a good thing.

Mostly what I learned is that I have been to a place that many of us have been to and recovered from, that I am not alone, that what I went through is normal if you don’t look after yourself, that I should have listened to those around me who had ‘been there and done that’, that I am human after all. And I wouldn’t want to change any of the effects for anything, I am living life to the fullest.