People Come Into Your Life For A Reason

Have you ever met someone through circumstance and wondered why you hadn't met them before, or why they have come into your life at this particular time, or perhaps you spoke with someone in your travels and you have an instant synergy?

I have stopped wondering why this occurs and learnt to enjoy the conversation, to enjoy the moment. I have been fortunate enough to meet many wonderful people out of coincidence, happenstance, or serendipity. There is always a reason to meet them, we just often don't see it at the time.

I met such a person yesterday for the second time and now know why we came together. As a former police crisis negotiator, my specialty was suicide intervention. However, I have never spoken to any of those people I helped since the intervention.

Rob Mokaraka was a young man struggling with his demons a few years ago who chose to end his life through suicide-by-police. He was shot in the chest and should have died, he didn't, he survived. And what a blessing for him and for those around him that he did so. And as it turns out, a blessing for me as well.

As someone involved in crisis intervention, I wanted to know why a person would choose such a method of death and met with Rob briefly one day after he had reached out to me through a mutual friend. There was an instant connection between us and we spent the next hour talking about our respective journeys.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending more time with Rob as filming on 'my story' continued for the New Zealand Television One program 'Sunday'. Rob kindly agreed to put on a show for me about his dive into the darkness. Rob wrote a one-man play called "Shot Bro" to explain what went on inside his head to cause him to take such drastic action.

His artistic talent is beyond belief as he took me on a journey of discovery into his intimate life, laughing and on occasion having me crying as he told his story through the play. The rollercoaster ride of emotions was powerful and draining.

Immediately afterwards we talked, shared, laughed, and got a little deep as we revealed to each other how similar we are. How similar we all are as humans in fact when going through tough times. 

People will come into your life for a reason, sometimes it is not always for good, mostly though it is.

When you are struggling, it is important to talk to someone. Know that someone will come into your life to help you at the right time, you simply have to be open to their approach when they do so.

Judge Yee Not!

How often have we looked at someone and put them into 'that box' only to find that it wasn't quite the right box? Or maybe, we hear a person’s voice on the phone and pictured what they looked like only to find they looked nothing like what we envisaged them to look like?

This is your brain going through an often subconscious process of putting people into categories so that we can deal with them according to those who we have previously met. Your brain thinks that it is looking after your own interests by doing so.

The same thing happens when we try to establish a rapport with someone, we make assumptions about them and try to find something that we have in common to talk about. Don’t do it, it doesn't work that way.

If you want to establish a rapport with someone, to stand alongside them, get to know something about the other person first. How do you do this, you ask them. How simple is that?

Instead, focus on them in their current situation, then find out how they got to where they are now, then you have all the information that you need to establish a rapport and to help them with whatever it is they want help with.

When we prejudge someone who we are meeting for the first time, it can lead us to prejudice, making incorrect assumptions that leads us to treat them differently than we normally would do. 

The words we say are also important when getting to know a person. Rather than say "I understand", (because you often don't), say "This is what it was like for me".

Few people do things to upset others. I am sure that most of us do not do or say these things intentionally to put a barrier in the way. It is human nature to want to help each other.

Know that this stuff is going on subconsciously, for the most part any way.

Just Breathe!

Breathing. Such a simple thing that we all do without any thought, in fact it's what we must do just to stay alive. Yet sometimes we forget how to breathe.

As we get busy each day and the stress of the world pushes down on us our breathing becomes fast and shallow. We don't use the full capacity of our lungs. And because of this, the oxygenated blood doesn't circulate adequately through our body to distribute the healthy and helpful benefits. In particular, to our brain.

When oxygenated blood flows through your brain it washes out any cortisol and allows us to think clearer and to relax more. I was surprised at the immediate benefits that just three long breaths can make.

Try it now - breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose and fill your lungs to their capacity. As you breath in push your stomach out to maximise the oxygen intake. As you slowly let the air it out notice how calm you feel. Isn’t that crazy?

There are variations to breathing as well that you can try. The 3-3-3 method is one I use when faced with an emotional person. Breathe in for three seconds, hold for three seconds, then breathe out for three seconds. In meditation, the 5-5-5 method is used to enhance calmness.

Research suggests that the more we do this deep breathing the less likely we are to go into the fight or flight mode, it reduces the need for the amygdala. I have heard that it may even shrink the amygdala, that little part of your brain that is responsible for all of our stress-related problems.

Who would have imagined that we would forget to breath properly!

Young People, What Are They Thinking?

Have you noticed how young people act differently to the rest of us ‘oldies’? I am talking about the latter half of the millennials (Gen-Y's) and the beginning of the Pluralists (Gen-Zs). What are they thinking? Lots of things as it turns out.

The brain of a person aged 18 to 25 is going flat out, they are thinking of so many things at one time that they often have difficulty slowing their brain down at night time to get to sleep. Their ability to focus on one topic for an extended period is more difficult than earlier generations. They simply have got lots of other things to think about!

Young people also communicate quite differently. Have you noticed the limited facial expressions? Sometimes it is difficult to read their mood given there is often ‘one face for all emotions’. Their sentences are also much shorter, sharp and to the point.

Why? Technology, pure and simple. Because the majority of their communication is conducted through texts, Instagram, snap chat, etc., they have learned the art of saying a lot in a few words. For example, if they don’t like something they will use just two words, the last word being “it”, “you”, or “off”.

I was fascinated to learn that this group often only hear the first 8 to 10 words of your sentence then only selected words thereafter. Since reading this research over a year ago, I have been trying to debunk it – so far I have had no success.

The problem with this type of communication is that it is far too short to allow the natural healing processes of socialisation to occur. They are fighting thousands of years of talking with others for extended periods which is beneficial for the emotional brain. Altruism, spirituality, and mindfulness are all part of socialisation which we all need in order to stay well. Perhaps that is why suicide is so prevalent among this age group.

They have wonderful ideas, have access to more information than any other generation, are sensitive and caring, are environmentally aware, want to save the planet, and have wonderful problem-solving abilities. They just don’t want to tell you about it.  

It is important for those outside of this group to engage in face-to-face dialogue with them. Just do so in short sentences.

Should We Stop Worrying?

Some say that worry is wasted energy, and for most occasions it probably is just that, a waste of time.

However, don't dismiss worry altogether, simply choose what you worry about. Research tells us that around 50% of worry is hereditary, it comes from our parents. The remainder is you, it is a habit that you have formed. 

For most of us, worry is the brain's way of conducting a risk management process to keep us safe. Our brain is looking ahead at what could go wrong so that we are prepared with contingencies. And that is a good thing, you need this. Your brain will come up with creative solutions to problems you never even thought of.

The problem with worry is that our brain tends to exaggerate the risks, it multiplies the risk and makes everything seem overwhelming. That is when worry becomes troublesome.

Have you ever found yourself worrying about one thing and your brain suddenly launches another thing into your mind for you to worry about? It's simply trying to help. Yeah right! 

If you are someone who worries too much and it has become a nuisance to you, there are two techniques that I have found work to stop me from worrying;

1.    Wear an elastic/rubber band on your wrist and flick it each time you catch yourself worrying. The pain sent to your brain disrupts your thought patterns.

2.    Blink your eyes and say either "Stop" or "No", inside your head. This also works to top your brain from over-thinking at night when you go to bed.

Remember it can take between 60 to 80 days to break a habit, not 21 days.

Finally, if you are a 'worrier', stop worrying about things outside of your control and concentrate on things that you can control.