First Impressions Do Count - So Make Them Strong

Research is mixed on how long it takes for us to make a first impression on those we meet. Most will indicate that when we meet someone for the first time we have around 30 seconds to make an impact - good or bad. 

There is no secret on how to make a positive impression. It's all about your appearance - what you wear, your facial gestures, eye contact and how you sit - and importantly what you first say. 

Here are some easy things that you can do to make a positive impact on others;

Job Interview

·        Dress appropriately for the role that you are going for - it is better to be dressed more formal than casual if you are uncertain.

·        Smile - when you smile, you make other people feel good.

·        Eye contact - at the first greeting ensure that you look into the other person’s eye, then pull your vision back after that to look around the eyes. Direct eye contact is great for the first engagement and then tends to get a bit ‘creepy’ if you continue if to look directly into their eye. Look just above the eyes or just above the nose.

·        Match their speech - if you can, match the other persons speed and length of sentence. This works in a similar way to mirroring body language. 

·        Sit properly in your chair - sit upright, sit forward, show an open body-language and pay attention. This will quickly establish a rapport.

Making a Speech or Presentation

·        Try to move away from the lectern - move around to maintain their attention.

·        If you must use a lectern - don't grip it like you would fall over if you let it go.

·        Keep your head up - look across the top of the heads of the audience and look intermittently at those who are smiling at you. 

·        Change your tone and rhythm - alter your voice to maintain interest and to avoid a monotone.

·        Project calmness - you may be nervous but it is important to at least appear calm.

·        Don't worry about mistakes - if you make a mistake, keep going and perhaps make a joke about it.

Don't be too hung up on trying to 'look' the part or doing the right thing. Smile, show an interest with intermittent eye contact and speak with honesty. These are the three things that we look for in others when we socialise. 

Can Writing Make You Happy?

We have all heard it - "If you are happy you will live a long and enjoyable life". And research supports this, those who are positive live on average four years longer than others. Unfortunately, there are some of us who struggle with being happy.

Just like worry, 50% of happiness is genetic and can't be altered. The good news is that you have 50% to work with. 

Recent research suggests that simply 'thinking' yourself happy is not as effective as first thought because we tend to continually recall the very thing that made us unhappy, thus reinforcing it and working against the happy thoughts.

I have spoken previously about the benefits of smiling so I won't repeat them here except to say if you combine smiling with happy thoughts you have a far greater chance of increasing your happiness. Another option is to write.

Writing provides an intense impact on our brain, more so than just talking. Maintaining a 'positives' diary is one way of using writing to help yourself become much happier.

Some would say that you should write down the thing that made you unhappy so that you can examine that aspect therefore change or avoid it in the future. This may in fact be reinforcing the negatives. Writing down positive things that occur across your day is known to reinforce the positives. Then, reading through the positive list regularly helps to continue that positive reinforcement.

Another option is to write down minute details about an earlier event in your life that made you extremely happy. This has been shown to provide a quick happiness 'fix'. 

Thoughts alone may not help you to become happier, writing these things down will. Mind and body, a thought and an action. 

Imagine It and It Will Be So - Or Will It?

Over previous years, visualisation has been touted as the way to overcome many of life’s hurdles. Think of being happy and you will be, want a million dollars then imagine that you have won the lottery!

For sports competition, or when about to present to an audience, or anything else where an 'action' by you is involved, visualisation has been proven to be effective. Visualisation provides focus as you go through the motions (in your mind) of what you are about to do. A dress rehearsal if you like.

Where visualisation has proved to be ineffective, is where you have no ability to control the outcome - winning the lottery, selling a house, becoming a millionaire, etc. Sorry, those things come down to luck or good marketing.

I read recently where visualisation, when used to imagine a new 'you' is at best ineffective and at worst, harmful. There is no doubt that imagining yourself with a slender body, dating a famous person or living a luxurious lifestyle will indeed make you feel good. That in itself is okay, however, know that you will feel worse when you fall at the first hurdle of achieving that dream.

Research has found that ‘thinking yourself happy’ may also be detrimental to you because you tend to focus on what it is that you are trying to change about yourself. You tend to obsess on the very thing that makes you unhappy. So too yelling into a pillow to reduce anger may make you angrier because you are thinking about the very thing that you are angry about and brainstorming could actually produce less ideas because you are constrained by the ideas that you are hearing around you.

As psychology evolves, we are learning more and more about these long-held beliefs and changing things for the better. Achieving goals, no matter what they are, is about having control and taking action. The ‘universe’ won’t provide for you unless you take some form of action yourself. That is why visualisation works for athletes, actors, and keynote speakers – they take action after the visualisation to achieve what they want.

In sum, by all means visualise what you want but then you must take practical steps to achieve them.

The Long Lonely Walk, Are You Ready For It?

As a crisis negotiator, there is possibly no worse feeling than walking towards a person who is standing on a high structure contemplating suicide. As you walk towards the person, your mind begins to race - "What shall I say?", "How will I start the conversation?", "What if I say the wrong thing?", "What if they jump?"

My stomach would tighten, I would start to feel slightly ill, my palms would sweat, sometimes my knees would weaken and time always seemed to slow down. It was a terrible experience and certainly wasn't a solid platform upon which to undertake a negotiation from.

I still get that same feeling now before presenting in front of people, not to the same extent of course, nevertheless the nerves are engaged and the senses are heightened. And there is always that nervous feeling in the stomach to deal with. To an extent, we all have that same feeling before undertaking something that we are uncomfortable undertaking - public speaking, a job interview, or presenting to colleagues.

I learned a quick way to control my nerves which might be helpful for you. Breath in, count, and exhale.

When we get nervous, our fight or flight response kicks in which immediately activates a number of reactions - our breathing becomes short and shallow, our heart rate rises, our mind goes to the right side of our brain where creativity sits, adrenalin and cortisol is pumped into our blood. And there is much more going on so it is no wonder that we have trouble focussing.

Because the fight or flight response is both a physical and psychological reaction, it makes sense that you need to engage the same responses to control it. Here are the three steps that worked for me and for others I have shown it to;

1.      Take a very long, deep, slow, (quiet), breath. Breathe deeply into your stomach so that you completely fill your lungs with much needed oxygen. We only use a third of your lung’s capacity in the fight or flight response so it is important to fill your lungs completely.

2.     Hold your breath for at least 3 seconds, 4 is better. Holding our breath slows our heart rate and reduces slightly our blood pressure as a consequence.

3.     As you hold your breath, count to three in your head. This is the part that really works. Counting in your head introduces the psychological element, it directs your brain back to the left side where logic is waiting.

Slowly release your breathe. As you do so you will feel more relaxed as oxygen goes into your blood and up into your brain allowing it to work more efficiently. Plus, you have slowed things down to better control the situation.

Some say that you should count to 10, others that you should take a deep breath. Both are right but only if you combine the two strategies. The 4-4-4 technique (breath in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, and breath out for 4 seconds) works well provided you remember to count to 4 inside your head while holding your breath.

Next time you get nervous, try it and see for yourself. 

Are They Lying, Debunking Body Language.

Having studied and coached on body language techniques for some time now, I am often asked if you can tell if someone is lying by reading their body language. The answer is 'Yes' and 'No'.

Language (our verbal actions), originates from the left side of the brain. Body language (our visual actions) comes from the right side of the brain. Add to this that the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and vice versa, sometimes what we say is not reflected in our body language when we lie.

Hence, the saying "You are a down right liar" comes for the fact that sometimes when we lie our eyes dart down to the right as our thoughts go to the right side of our brain, our creative side, to make up a story. However, this also happens when we recall an emotional event.

Research suggests that as much of 90% of lies we tell produce tell-tale verbal and visual clues. We can learn to pick up on those little signs, more so if we know the person well. Generally, women read body language better than men. Women also use both sides of their brain when communicating whereas men mainly use their left brain - the logic part.

The secret of reading body language is to first know the other person’s base-line behaviour - how they would usually react in the same situation - and compare that to their current behaviour. 

There is no single gesture to indicate if a person is lying. Here are some well-known common indicators with a cautionary note on each;

·        Eye contact is reduced - also happens when we are distracted or feeling low.

·        Hand-to-face gestures - this is also displayed when we are nervous.

·        Biting of lips - again this can also occur when we are anxious or sad.

·        Excessive lip licking – they may also have dry lips.

·        Rubbing of nose - known as the 'Pinocchio effect', this can also mean an itchy nose or the person has a cold.

So how do you tell by body language if someone is lying. With great caution, you could look for these visual clues;

·        Excessive hand gestures such as hand-wringing.

·        Fiddling with an object to distract themselves as they lie.

·        Shuffling of the feet when standing or ankles crossed tightly when seated.

Of course the main way to tell if someone is lying is by what they say, we will look more closely at this tomorrow.