What I Learned As A Crisis Negotiator

I was fortunate enough to have been involved as a crisis negotiator for over 13 years, having trained in New Zealand, Australia, and with the FBI.

Here are some reflections on things that I learned about communicating which I try to transfer into my personal life;

1.      Never make a promise that you cannot keep - When we break a promise, not only does the person we made it to feel bad but we also feel the same way. Under-promise and over-deliver is a good guide.

2.     Never vindictively tell a lie - Sometimes we need to stretch the truth to make a point, or leave something out of a conversation, perhaps even say something that is untrue – but only if we are doing so as to not hurt someone.

3.     Be the first to give - Always give something first and never ask for anything in return. Why, because the other person will always reciprocate if they have the opportunity to.

4.     Listen - We have two ears and one mouth so that we can do twice as much listening as talking.

5.     Only speak if you have something to say - Silence is the key to listening. Less is more.

6.     Make it about them - Focus on the other person's needs, then your own.  

7.     Be humble - If we take the lower ground, we gain respect. It is so easy to become aggressive if we need to but difficult to retract what we said in anger.

8.     Keep an open mind - A closed mind causes friction and is a barrier to understanding.

9.     Never leave anything unsaid - Just like on a sports field we give everything, the same rule applies in conversations. Say all that you have to say, in particular if expressing emotions. Men often find this one difficult to do. 

10.   Always finish with an agreement - Never leave a conversation on a negative note, always finish on a positive or with an agreement. Otherwise we will harbour animosity, guilt, or regret.

Try Ending With A Positive

In situations where you are to meet with someone to deliver a message that they may not want to hear, try ending your invitational message with a positive statement.

Often we are restricted in what we can do for others through company policies and procedures. When this occurs try these two strategies;

Firstly, we usually break bad news by stating the good stuff first to 'break the ice' so to speak - "I can do some of what you asked of me but you should know that I am restricted in what I can do for you." Structuring the sentence in this way is much easier for the person delivering the message.

Instead, try reversing the sentence to - "I am unable to do everything that I wanted to do for you however there are some things that I can do, let's talk about those when we meet".

This ends with a positive and also replaced the word 'BUT' with the word 'HOWEVER'. The person will meet with you in more of a positive mood knowing that there are some things that you can do for them.

Secondly, when you do meet with the person, explain why you can't do all of what you wanted to do for them. "I am somewhat restricted in what I can do for you due to our policies which are in place for consistency, fairness, or everyone's safety."

It is important to explain why the restrictions are in place, i.e. the purpose of the policy/guidelines. Simply saying "I can't do this because of our policy" may cause the person to say "Well your policies are stupid and you need to change them." 

End your sentences on a positive note, particularly in emotional situations. 

The Secret To Negotiations - Stop Problem-Solving

Want to know the true secret to negotiation and mediation? Stop trying to find a swift resolution.

So often when we are in emotional situations we go straight to problem-solving. Research shows that men are the worst at this, we just want to help you to get on with things and move forward.

Just like a book that has a beginning, middle and end to complete the story, so too do negotiations/mediations. However, the order is different.

Start in the middle, what are you facing you right now? Ask the other person, "So what is important to you right now?" Or perhaps, "Let's look at where we are at this moment." This brings everyone to the same state and focuses on the topic.

The next step is to go back in time to examine how you got to the present point. While it is sometimes good to be in the here and now then move forward, in emotional situations you need to find out the underlying issues. Say "I would like to know more about how we came to this point" or "Tell me what happened prior to this point so that I can get a better understanding of your situation."

By doing this, you allow the other person to explain their situation, they will tell you how they 'feel' about things as the story unfolds, and you allow them to vent. Because they vent as they talk to you, their logic brain will engage.

An acknowledged emotion is disarmed. Therefore, use words such as frustrating, confusing, complicated, annoying, etc. Why, because this is the underlying reason (the cause) of anger and rage. 

The third step is to move on with a mutual agreement. So often we suggest something first and wait for the response. Try asking the other person "So what would you like to see as an outcome?" If you have allowed the other person to vent adequately and have listened through active listening skills, you would by now have gained a rapport.

Furthermore, by asking them to go first you have made it about them and they will feel obliged to allow you to suggest a resolution.

Stop problem solving, allow an open discussion, use the 8 active listening skills strategies, and go back over the past before moving forward.

Your negotiation/mediation will be much easier.

I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now!

How often have we found ourselves saying this reflective comment - "I wish I knew then what I know now". But would that actually make anything different?

We all make mistakes, and we will continue to do so. Personally, I will continue to make mistakes until I die, nothing is more certain than death itself. Here's a few thoughts on why I think this phrase is unhelpful;

·        We learn and grow from things that we have done wrong, or at the very least we try to learn from them.

·        If we had the wisdom then that we have now (i.e. when we were younger) I suggest that we would have made other mistakes.

·        Making mistakes is a way of growing emotionally, about learning our strengths and weaknesses, and is a part of life itself which isn't always fair or just.

·        Mistakes are what make us who and what we are today.

It is not so much about the size or number of mistakes that we make, it is about how we recover from them, how we learn from them, and how we move forward.

It is said that those who have not made mistakes have not made anything at all. I don't believe this is the case. Not making anything is a mistake isn't it?

If you make a mistake, fix it as soon as you can. It you can't fix it, learn from it. If you can't learn from it, move on regardless. That’s an easy thing to say but hard to do, nonetheless it is at least worth trying. 

If we don't move on from our mistakes we will harbour guilt and regret and we know that this will often lead us into dark places. 

What Would A True Friend Do?

Sorry ladies, this post is for men. You are welcome to read it however you already know this stuff so I don’t want to bore you.

We know that men die on average 4 years sooner than women, are over-represented in depression (2 to 1), and are over-represented in suicide (3.5 to 1).  

So why is it that the stats are skewed against men? In my humble opinion, men;

·        don't look after themselves in the same way that women do.

·        go into denial when they are under pressure or unwell.

·        ignore the early tell-tale signs of ill-health.

·        don't like to share how they are 'feeling' inside.

·        don't like to burden others with their problems.

·        believe that they can cope with whatever life throws their way.

Again in my opinion, it all comes down to our wiring. Men's evolutionary brain was wired so that we had to go to work each day regardless of our health, physical and/or mental.

In early times we would hunt, eat, and sleep. Hunting was our main preoccupation which we had to do to provide the essentials for our family. Nothing has changed these days, at least that is what our brain still tells us.

Men need to know that;

·        women are just as capable as men are at providing for their family. 

·        women are surviving longer because they go to the doctor when they are unwell.

·        women talk to their friends when they have a problem without fear of reprisal or of being judged.

·        women listen to their friends, don't try to solve, and offer advice only if it is asked of them.

I would like to think that if a friend came to me with a problem, I would be like a woman about it. I would let him vent, I would listen as he told me how he felt, I would not be afraid or think less of him if he cried, I would listen in silence without judgement, and I would simply be there for him if he needed a confidante.

Importantly, I would share something personal with him. Not to burden him with my troubles, but to have a mutual bond. A 'man bond'.