Conversations To Reconnect

Infrequently we will come across a person who we do not get along with no matter how much we try. That's just the way it is. However, sometimes we need to work with that person in our vocation or we just want (need) to reconnect with them following conflict.

If we do not reconnect after a conflict we harbour emotions such as guilt, regret, anger, loathing and sometimes jealousy. These feelings continue to niggle away at us and will exaggerate overtime if left without closure.

One person has to make the first move so why should that person not be you? Our brain will tell us that we are more important than the other person and that is 'them' who should make the first move. Ignore your emotional brain, that's your mind messing with you.

If you feel that you were at fault, simply apologise and move on. In saying that you don't always have to apologise, nor should you if you haven't said or done anything to apologise for.

Here are some sentences that you might want to try which will help to reconnect you with the other person involved in the conflict;

·        "We both have a commitment to ....., and it is important that we work together on it."

·        "Let's look at how we can work together to move forward on ....."

·        "I'd like to hear again what you have to say on...."

·        "I know that we see things differently, let's sit and articulate these differences so that we hear each other’s perspective."

·        "I would appreciate your input into this matter as your view is important."

·        "How would you like to proceed from here?"

Notice that none of the sentences use the word 'why' and the focus is on moving forward. Clarify the differences and move on. 

It's Like A Thorn

Having conducted a number of crisis negotiations over my 15 years as a police negotiator, I have found that a lot of what people say is their immediate issue, actually isn't. There is usually some underlying issue. 

In times of crisis, our brain will go to the most recent event that comes to mind. This is usually the straw that broke the camel’s back and there are always greater reasons at play. The secret is to know how to extract that critical piece to solve your problem.

When we are under stress, it's the small immediate things that set us off. We find ourselves getting angry, yelling at a loved one, or doing silly things that we later regret. Until we acknowledge and deal with the underlying issue, we will never be able to move forward.

To use an analogy, these issues are like a thorn sitting under the skin. The thorn will fester and eventually burst through the skin or worse still, poison our blood. We need to extract the thorn to stop the festering process.

Similarly, if we don't deal with the underlying issue that is in our head, it will come out in the way that we behave adversely or will poison our 'mind'.

So how do we find the underlying reason for our issue? I have found that by continually asking 'so what’ is a way to find the cause. Start with what you think is the immediate issue and ask yourself "so what does this mean", "so what was the cause of this issue", or "so what is the reason for feeling this way".

Then ask yourself, "Therefore I need to find out what happened before that". By working your way backwards like this you may well find the underlying cause of what is troubling you, or maybe what is happening to a loved one. Until you open the wound, the thorn won’t come out and will hurt you.

Why Do I Like Things To Be Simple

It is no secret that our attention span has reduced significantly over recent years. Recent studies suggest that we have the attention span of just eight seconds, one second less than a goldfish. I am doubtful on that particular piece of research.

However, I know from my coaching sessions that most people remain engaged for around two and a half minutes unless I move about, have lots of power-point slides to give them something to look at (instead of my ugly mug) introduce humour to produce endorphins which will make them feel good, and have a variety of interactions.

 A modern day city dweller now takes in as much information during a twenty-four-hour day as the brain of those who lived in medieval Britain would have done in the course of their entire lifetime. Frightening isn't it?

Despite this recent phenomenon, which is from advances in technology, our brains remain hardwired for simplicity hence we can become overwhelmed at times. We often tend to look for simple things displayed in simple ways to reduce the inflow of information that continues to bombard our brain.

A study showed that double the number of people purchased a product that had easy to read typeface on the packaging compared to one with difficult to read typeface. Using big words no longer cuts it for most people.

Have you noticed that websites are starting to become simpler to read (mine is really simple because of the owner) phones are placing less number and much simpler apps on their screens, and cars are returning to plain dashboards.

In simplicity lies beauty. Our brains continue to search for simplicity because technology has filled our world with complexity and our brains haven't quite caught up yet.

If you are a marketer, a presenter, a coach, in fact anyone who interacts with people on a regular basis, you may want to turn back the clock a little and keep it simple. After all, our brains are wired that way. 

Replace 'Why' With 'How'.

As we all know, we should never ask a person why they did something as this is a word that places blame. Rather, we should use the word how instead.

Never say to a person "Why did you do that?" It is accusatory, sounds condescending or arrogant, and makes the other person feel guilty. Ask the same question using the word how. "How did this happen" or if you must "What was the reason for this happening."

Organisations spend most of their time asking questions as to why things happen rather than how they happened when things go wrong in business. When using the word why what they are actually asking is who is to blame.

In a similar vein, we ask ourselves why when things go wrong in our lives. "Why does this always happen to me, why do bad things always happen when I am a good person, and why can't I get what I want."

The reason why the word why is such a negative word comes from our childhood. When we made mistakes as an infant, our parents would always use the word why in a blameful way. "Why did you do that when I told you not to" we would be scorned. 

The word why limits our thoughts and our brain shuts down our creative side due to the negative connotations associated with this word.

The word how on the other hand has positive associations. Returning to the childhood analogy, when our parents asked us how something happened they often did so in a way that was inquiring so that we would learn from our mistakes.

The next time something goes wrong, use the word how.  How did this happen, how can we avoid this again, and most importantly, how can we move forward.