Body Language to De-escalate

Here are some quick tips on how to use your body language to reduce tension in an emotional conversation with someone who is angry;

• Hold eye contact for around 60% of the time. Be careful not to hold direct eye contact for too long with overly aggressive people as they will take this as a sign you are looking for a confrontation.
• If standing, stand straight and tall. This shows that you aren't afraid and is also a neutral position which means it cannot be misread.
• If seated, sit upright. Lean just slightly forward which you will find is actually straight.
• Men - Keep your arms at your sides with your hands open. Do not clench your fists which is what we will want to do.
• Women - Have your arms in front with one hand clutching the wrist of the opposite arm, this is a sign that the other person is safe. You can also move your thumb slowly back and forward as a sign of reassurance.
• Keep the right distance, about 1.5 metres apart. Don't get too close as to crowd the other person or that you are placing yourself in danger.
• Mirror some of their body language when the person has calmed. If you mirror body language when someone is aggressive it has the same effect as glaring at them.

Some other things that you can do at the same time;

• Use their name early in the conversation to show that you are listening and you are an actual person. Plus, we all like to hear our own name being spoken by others.
• Always be polite no matter how rude the other person may be. Words such as “please” and “thank you” will gain you important brownie points when talking with those from the baby boomer generation.
• Respect their point of view. You may disagree but also know that your view may not be right.
• Ask for their permission if you need to go away and do something. This makes the person feel important because you have sought their permission. Ensure that you tell them what you are going to do as they will be suspicious.
• Use the word “important” when appropriate. This plays to their ego.

Grumpy Old Man!

I recently read a book  titled 'The Grumpy Old Gits Guide To Life.' It is a humourous book and fun to read. This got me thinking though about our workplaces. Most companies have them, grumpy old men and grumpy old women. These are what I term the patriarchs and matriarchs. These are important people in your organisation, they can make or break a business.

Here are the 10 signs that you have a patriarch or matriarch in your organisation;

1. They never miss a chance to moan.
2. They sigh a lot or look out the window during training sessions.
3. They always want someone independent with them during performance meetings.
4. They often involve the union, not for support but as a threat.
5. They have been there and done that, with a story for every occasion.
6. They resist change, "why change when things are going fine".
7. They can be found at the water cooler spreading rumours.
8. They never volunteer for anything but will criticise when things go wrong.
9. They have a strong influence over the junior staff.
10. They have their own coffee mug at work.

If you are reading this and can't think of anyone that fits this profile in your company then it may be you who is the patriarch or matriarch! So how do you manage these people? Involve them. Put them on your project committees, here's the reasons why;

1. They have wonderful institutional maturity and knowledge.
2. They have seen many changes and can tell you what worked and what didn't.
3. Although they are grumpy and like to be the centre of attention, they are also don't want to be seen as the 'peacock'. They don't posses the 'look at me' factor, they just do their job despite the grumbles.
4. They will counter group-think by arguing against all suggestions, this will stop the project going down the wrong path.
5. They mitigate strong personalities therefore one or two people won't have all of the say on the project team.
6. Being part of the team will encourage them to support the change.

Remember to only have one matriarch or patriarch on each project team otherwise you may not achieve what you are after.

Value the grumpy old men and grumpy old women in your organisation, they have a lot to offer.

In Businees, Use Adversity as an Advantage

In business we often find ourselves facing adversity. We did not secure the contract we were after, we didn't meet our weekly quota, we were criticised by the media. So what then is a way to use this adversity as an advantage?  Leveraging off the adversity is what sometimes works.

For example, you lost a contract because you failed to deliver on an agreed service level. In a situation like this the first thing we often do is look for blame. Who was responsible, whose at fault, and how can we seek recompense.

An alternative approach is to identify the cause of the adversity and use it as a focal point for your energy. Apportioning blame is wasted energy. In our example, you didn't meet the service agreement so why was that? Was it because you didn't have the right number of staff available, the staff weren't trained adequately, or perhaps it was a managerial error.

Once you have identified the cause,  work quickly to rectify it then use this new impetus to promote your business positively. In a marketing campaign you might say "Because we are committed to our clients, we undertook a robust recruitment drive and trained our team to the highest standard so that we could meet the increasing demands on our business". This statement says that you failed but immediately fixed the problem so that it won't happen again.

People like honesty. We all make mistakes and it is the brave who acknowledge it. People also like to know that you have learned from the mistake. History is littered with examples of companies and people who failed. All learned from their mistakes and used the mistake to gain success. “Failure is success if we learn from it.” - Malcolm Forbes.

Facing Down Adversity

I have read many articles encouraging others to use adversity as a springboard for the future, of the need to get back on the horse immediately after you fall, that many of those who have failed went on to become successful. I am also one who writes posts expressing the same view, of the need to carry on regardless of the situation.

What I have not read much about is how to do this. How do you use adversity as a springboard, how do you get back on that horse, how do you simply carry on when you have failed in your own eyes? I am one of those who did fall, not as heavily as others, but enough to slow me down for a few years.

Here's a way that worked for me. Everything. Because our brain is a complicated beast it needs support and stimulation in many and varied ways. So I read lots of books, tried lots of mind-changing techniques (some of which are on my website), viewed lots of videos, got myself fit, and most importantly I kept moving forward. That was the secret for me, to keep moving forward and find new ways to repair myself.

If I had given up when I fell down I would not have become a crisis negotiator, nor gone to the FBI Academy, nor to the Australian counter terrorist negotiators course, nor to the Delhi Commonwealth Games and London Olympics, I would not have achieved a Master of Arts Degree and double Diplomas, the list goes on. I say this not to show off but to inspire others.

Picking yourself up after a fall is not easy, in fact some never can without continued support from something or someone. Finding a way back up is different for us all, the common ground is that you need to keep going. Keep reading, keep trying, work hard to find the various techniques that will work for you.

No longer is there a negative stigma attached to brain sickness (mental illness) as there once was. And that is a good thing, a great thing in fact. The more that we talk and share our personal stories the more we can understand brain sickness for what it actually is, another of life's adversities. As we tell our story it also becomes easier to accept that we fell.

Worker Vs Leader Vs Manager

Which is the most important role in a company, the worker, the leader or the manager? Can one do without the other, can the roles be combined, and is it important to differentiate the roles? In this discussion a leader is the front-line supervisor who in-turn is supervised by a manager.

I once heard a discussion between a bricklayer and his labourer.  The labourer wanted more money and was pushing his point by saying that without him loading the bricks, mixing the mortar, and building the scaffold the bricklayer couldn't lay the bricks.

The bricklayer countered that he was the tradesman, the person who had trained for four years so that he was able to lay the bricks properly.  He followed with "If I don't lay the bricks neither of us will get paid." A good point. The labourer came back with "But you couldn't lay the bricks without the bricks and mortar." It was a circular argument.

Never one to sit back quietly and listen to a discussion without wanting to add something myself so I expressed that the bricklayer could mix the mortar and load the bricks himself but he could never lay as many bricks. Likewise, the labourer could do the same but the bricks wouldn't be laid as fast and perhaps not as decorous. Then we must think of the site manager without whom you wouldn't know when and where to start laying the bricks.

The answer was of course that all relied on each other to perform at their best. Organisations are the same. You need good managers to manage the business so that team leaders can supervise staff, and the staff have to be good at their work to achieve the organisations goals. At the top you could also have a person who is a strong manager and an inspirational leader but that isn't the purpose of this discussion.

Is there a more important role, the worker, the leader, the manager? For me the answer is no. Is there a more important title, for me it is yes because we can all become one regardless of our role.  A leader.  Leaders aren't just those who have the word in their title or job description, they lead in whatever part of the organisation they work in.

To me a leader is a person who shows others what to do, one who leads by setting a positive example. And that person can be at any level in the organisation. No matter what your role may be, become a leader and positively influence those around you. The rewards of doing so will be returned to you.